eyeswideshut Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ok. i am a lost cause. I worked myself all this time, to stay away while his wife was gone, but lo and behold. All my friends were right, I did cave in. Now i feel like the boy who cried wolf, so i don't expect any sympathy from anyone. He phoned last week for those of you who followed my posts. He apologized and said he had no right to invite himself over, and he knew it made me uncomfortable.. blablabla. so I didn't hear from him except for some questions on Thursday through email to know how this roller coaster really affected me (he had no idea). The reason he had no idea, was because our relationship has started off really slowly. Since Oct. since the death in his family, I was mostly a "friend". So we didn't really get the chance to get into a full blown deal at all. And when he decided a divorce was too much to handle in March, I was okay to end it there before we got too close. Alright. Fast forward to now. He phoned Saturday.I was so happy to hear from him because my night was botched. Italy didn't win the soccer game, so all my friends and I were just in a slow mood all night. i ended up coming back at 11:30. He phoned. I answered. We had mind-blowing sex. Now, we only talked 'deeply' the next day. he began by telling me how he couldn't believe that this affected me so much, he was actually so pleased, because he said he was going crazy, and wrote me a bunch of dramatic emails he never sent, because he only got a "cold front" from me, so he didn't realize I had deep feelings for him. I asked him how things were going. He said: fine. Then I had to swallow my pride and say: well I mean with your wife. I said: are you just testing me out to see how long the lust will last, and then when it fades, you'll just go back to your marriage? and he smiled (i dont know why) and then he said: it's not lust. He said: This is how it is. Whenever I'm with you, I love every moment. When I'm with her, i'm comfortable. I don't have any desire left for her. I am not sleeping with her. but i've known her for 7 years and it's my regular routine life. And I said: well you know this can't go on forever until someone makes a decision. and he said: I know. This is not the ideal situation. And I said: well then, do you want me to be your mistress? and he said: yes. Then, he took it back and said he didn't like the term, that I was more than that. Then we talked some more. About the death of his only sibling, and he hasn't faced that yet. he's still in therapy. and marriage counseling. Then before he left, he said: I love you. Ok. I know some of you have been through this before. We're at that moment in the A, where we both acknowledge our mutual true feelings for one another. (before, it was just the chase) so now what? I would love to have him as a lover only, (I can't get over how incredible he is in bed, sorry), and if I would give him the green light, he would not feel guilty about coming over. (he's only come over three times since March) But the thing is, if this whole thing is hopeless, there is no way in hell I would even consider it. I'm beginning to wonder if we are only perfect "because" we are not together. By the way, his wife and he are rarely together, but they are not fighting as much anymore either. He actually says they have some good times. Arghh! am i totally blind? and before, I didn't want him to leave the wife, now I do!!!! I feel I am becoming such a heartless b****! Before all this I was the most innocent, sweet, faithful, strong woman. Now I can't believe what I am writing. Oh yeah. BTW. last time he came over, I was a basket case when he left. Now, I'm all fine. Like I am safe, knowing he will be back soon...
lovernotafighter Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 EWS wow..we did the exact same stuff at the same time...dear lord,I've been eating crow since Saturday when we went all out and I was indeed walking on a cloud...it was amazing..he must have told me that 5 times in a row aswell. anyway..we have past the point your asking about and really for me..when we told each other we loved one another that's really when the affair went in the toilet...you start to think your on the same page,and that you know he wants the same as you...and it hurts when he still has all the same lines as before. I was exactly where you are...confused because I was the one in my affair who pushed him to work on his marriage,I was the one who told him to stop telling me he wants to be with me,I even told him I was very content with things "as they are" while he asked "how is that possible?". it's seems to me in my relationship as soon as I finally told him I love him and invited him to be with me..he flip flopped everything he had been saying..and now I'm the one leaving my marriage and he has his cake and is eating to. I wish I had good advice but I don't even have any for myself
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 lover! I was wondering how you'd been doing? I just saw The Asphalt Jungle (w/Marilyn, I believe her first role) and thought, there is LOVER!!!! hahaha Yeah. The thing is, he had been going crazy because I wasn't really responding to anything. emails, etc. I took his calls, but I was always very "friendly" on the phone not romantic at all. Well this weekend, i don't know what got into me, I pulled the "mistress" card. I was insane! he was telling me: I know this is wrong. I was like: get into bed now. he was like: are you okay with this? I was like: pull down you pants. Well, you get the idea. Then he told me he loved me and I said: I love your legs. I treated him as an object all night, then the next morning I was back to innocent friend mode. all whistling and humming and making breakfast. (BTW, I usually am a disaster in the kitchen and he knows this, he's a chef, and I am just a smoke ring away from the firetrucks) So, there I was cooking up a storm, he was really surprised. I mean what man in his right mind would not come back to that?? I was so "easy". but i was acting, and he knows this, because he knows me from my childhood. however, he was entertained. the thing is, two things clicked when we were talking. (Besides knowing he's married.) 1)when I told him we hadn't talked yet, he sort of turned his head, trying to avoid the subject. then well, for his own good, opened up a conversation. I mean, I know this of men who are not into you, when they try to avoid the talk. My ex fiance (yes, he's my point of reference to every man because he loved me to death) whenever I said we need to talk he would always give me his full attention no matter how busy he was he'd stop everything and say: go ahead sweetie, i have all the time in the world. 2) and when he explained the difference between me and her is that with me it's amazing blablabla, and with her, he's comfortable, it's something he knows. oh yeah. and then he whined about hating to make decisions. any guy who wants to get on board and give his two cents please do, I think I'm being played.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 LNF, what does the expression "eating crow" mean??
Art_Critic Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 LNF, what does the expression "eating crow" mean?? Being forced to admit a humiliating mistake
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 He said: This is how it is. Whenever I'm with you, I love every moment. When I'm with her, i'm comfortable. I don't have any desire left for her. I am not sleeping with her. but i've known her for 7 years and it's my regular routine life. And I said: well you know this can't go on forever until someone makes a decision. and he said: I know. This is not the ideal situation. And I said: well then, do you want me to be your mistress? and he said: yes. Then, he took it back and said he didn't like the term, that I was more than that. Then we talked some more. About the death of his only sibling, and he hasn't faced that yet. he's still in therapy. and marriage counseling. Then before he left, he said: I love you. You will always be the OW. He is still lying...To you and to his wife. DO NOT BELIEVE FOR A SECOND that he hasn't made love to her. Pure bulls***! If you believe that, you're fooling yourself. Ofcourse he's had sex with her! They're trying to fix things and going to marriage counselling. He loves her. If he didn't he'd be divorced by now and with you. Sorry to rain on your happiness here, but this big mistake you let happen is going to come back and haunt you. He's gonna balk. He's gonna feel guilty when his wife comes back home...Then you're going to have to do NC all over again. Tell him it's over and to call you IF he gets divorced. Otherwise you WILL be the OW forever in his life. Is that what you really want? As good as the sex is, is it worth giving up your dreams of being married and/or having kids someday?? Good luck EWS. I feel for you because your heart is gonna get broken so bad...But you also are doing this to yourself.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 i WANT you to rain on my happiness. i don't want this to go on forever. Yes, I know it will hurt. and I know i have to end it all now, because it's only going to become a habit i never wanted. When he told me in March he was going back to her, i thought it was because he "tried it out" with me and didn't like me enough. So then of course I was thrilled when he kept coming back even after I told him i was going to let him go. So yes, I was probably trying to sink my hooks into him. But now, it's getting pathetic. I wrote in my journal back in march that I was sure he would leave her by June 24th ( gave myself a rational deadline) well, he's not closer to leaving her now. and now I KNOW it's an Affair. Before, he was 'broken up'. Now they both told the families they were reconciling. so now, it's my own fault if I get hurt because i am continuing after knowing the facts. i told him he needed space, and if I was a real friend I would give it to him. and he said he didn't need space. that my leaving in july will be too much space as it is. Well, I am taking a trip before my trip and going home at the end of June. and i think i won't tell him. I can't tell him now because i have to think things through. (as in, if I say NC i have to be ready for that or else he will never believe me) but i welcome all negative thoughts about this, because i have to get on with my life. I am getting so pathetic. my best friend (who is a MM) used to tell me he was certain he'd leave his wife for me. When I told him about Saturday, he said: he's not a nice person. that was stupid of him to say those things to you. remember, i had all the support from my friend the MM. Now he's telling me I have to run for the hills. i think I have to start running. Don't worry. I will be fine. I don't need 'his' love. I've got a lot of love coming from all sorts of places in my life right now. i think this is why i was so fearless about this affair. RC: I am curious to know how your affair is going since you have taken him back with you acceptance of the terms. because i see myself a lot in your posts. except for the fact that i "feel responsible" because i know his wife (met her once)and his and her entire circle of friends.
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 You want some tough love huh?? Okay...(I mean this all nicely with respect, and abit of humour.) I'm smacking you across the head and pulling a Cher! "SNAP OUT OF IT!" He's using you. His wife is out of Town so he thought he'd get his ego feed. He isn't INLOVE with you, he's INLUST. He wanted hot sex and you gave it to him on a silver platter. Nothing has changed...NOTHING. (Caps are emphasis, not yelling...Just so you know...) He isn't certain of anything. He changes his mind with the wind. He wants his wife when he's with her...And he wants you when he's with you. He wants BOTH OF YOU in his life...He's gotten used to that and is spoiled. He can't be happy with JUST one woman now, he HAS to have both of you so HE can feel good. Remember this. When he tells you "I love you, only you..." He tells his wife those very same words. HOW THE HECK CAN YOU TRUST HIS WORD? He may not be lying malciously or meanly...He's just thinking with his cock and not thinking about the consquences of anything right now. He can't promise anything and he shouldn't be saying ANYTHING to you about the future. Okay, I hope you tell him to get lost...As much as you love him, he's just hurting you. You are hurting you.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 yes you are right. you are SOOOOO right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg. i can't believe it. but yes. i can. he is such a cake eater, now I know why he was put into my path. I knew he was there for a reason. 1) i have to write a book. now i've got plenty of material 2) i needed to be treated with as much uncertainty as I treated my ex fiance (law of karma) 3) i needed to meet a total jerk at least once in my life, because i kept meeting really good guys who wanted to marry me, and then i'd keep breaking it off with them. now i'll be all experienced. 4) everything the psychic said was wrong. i needed to stop spending my money on psychics. yes yes yes yes yes!!! i am totally over him! bastard! are you freaking kidding me? there are men just waiting around the corner for me. i swear to god! just last Saturday some nice young man who met me Monday wanted my phone number and did this whole thing to try to get it. He first asked me, I said, oh I'll be here on Saturday, we'll see each other then. then we saw each other again, and he asked my friend for her number because he wanted to buy Madonna tickets off her at double price (because he knew i was going) then he phoned her and asked for my number. (she didn't give it) but man, he's trying! well he's not my type, but at least he's there wanting some attention. how DARE my exMM think it's safe for me to walk the streets while he putters around "thinking" and "whining" about having to make a decision. like that joke I read somewhere. where the woman says to her husband, there will be sex every night at 7 oclock. and he says, what if I'm not home at that time. and she says: there will be sex every night at seven o'clock. ha. f*** this. I need a MAN!!!!!!! can't wait to tell him NC. CANNOT WAIT. I will see him at the cafe he hangs out and ask if i can talk to him. and say: i'm not doing this anymore.
movinon05 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 EWS, He just handed you the very reason you need to stop this never ending circle: And I said: well then, do you want me to be your mistress? and he said: yes. THAT should tell you everything you needed to know.
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 You're saying the words...And that's what you want. Now comes the hard part. ... Putting it into action and living by your words. You know you can't SLIP like you did again with him. If you do, he knows he has you...Waiting and wanting him. So, make that little trip to bed the last time you have sex with him.
Jessie61 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 EWS, He just handed you the very reason you need to stop this never ending circle: And I said: well then, do you want me to be your mistress? and he said: yes. THAT should tell you everything you needed to know. I am sorry, EWS, but I agree with MO.... This is all you need to know.
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