Patricia Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I don't tell my friends that this man who has moved in and out with me four times is back in my life, living with me. I already know how they feel about him, so I've been avoiding their phone calls and emails. Its only been eight weeks since he asked for one more chance to prove he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. But last Jan, he was here for ten weeks, then he left. I know alot of it was because I was so untrusting and kept asking him when he was going to walk out again. He left end of March when I wasn't home. I am trying not to bring up the past. I'm trying not to question him about her unless he brings her up. He has told me about several things that have happened since he came back. She has gone back to the man she was seeing earlier this year when MM left her. Last time she never called him to ask him back. She told me on the phone when he was there with her, that he forced his way back that time, that she had moved on. This time even tho she has started up with the same man, she still calls MM and begs him to come back. When he dropped his three kids off last weekend, she was there and started crying and asking him to come back. MM says even his kids started telling her to move on. He told her he wasn't coming back. The reason I'm posting is because I am making myself sick, especially when we're at work, believing that he'll leave and move out again while I'm at work. You see, one day after he returned, she called him (he told me all this) and practically demanded that he leave work, pack his things and come back, that she would come and get him and drive him to my place herself. He has done everything to show me he loves me. I wish I could stop being so scared that he'll leave again. He has promised that he wouldn't leave again, (but he's said that before). He wants me to put everything he has done to hurt me, behind me so we can make this work. And I have been doing all I can not to remind him of the past. Here's is why I'm so scared. He's always told me where he stands financially. And by getting a divorce, he will be hurting financially. He has so much credit card debt its scary. He didn't have to worry while married, but now he'll be paying child support and alimony. He's even asked me to wait a few months before he can do his part in sharing rent and expenses. And I told him that would be okay. He's afraid of so much financially. He knows he'll owe alot of taxes being single each year, with no house or kids to deduct. Even married with three kids, their combined income had them still paying taxes at the end of the year in the thousands. He admits that he doesn't like to "face" problems. He will take the easy way out first. I've seen how he reacts when she tells him she needs an extra $600 for oldest son to play sports. His oldest son finally agreed to come visit him along with the other two, only if he would buy him a new suit for graduation. Now these are kids that have always gotten what they've wanted from their parents. It hurts MM inside, I can see it on his face. He has tried to tell all three that he doesn't have alot extra now. He tells them to ask their mother for money. I opened up my home to his three kids, his brother and a friend from out of state visiting. I felt like I was an outsider. MM tries really hard to make sure I'm part of everything. But the point is that my condo is small, I've lived alone for years, everything I have I take care of. I know I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. It helps to get this out. I have no one else to talk with. My mom keeps asking me if I'm alright. She doesn't even know. Next week monday MM has a date at court. I believe its a meeting to decide who gets what. She has the lawyer, he doesn't. Can't afford one. Two years ago when he first left her, divorce was started, but before that happened, she told him to quit claim their house to her so she could get payments lowered. And he did. Now he's nervous about all that he'll lose in this divorce. And I'm a nervous mess just waiting to see if he decides I'm not worth it after all. I keep reminding myself that he always shows me how much he loves me in so many ways, besides telling me. His desire for me is amazing, I've never felt so wanted by anyone before. He always asks me first what I want to do, and he happily does it with me. He is really a manly man, yet he wants to be with me all the time, even when I have my nails and hair done, he patiently sits and waits. He has never changed that way from the very first time he came to be with me. Please understand, I've been alone for a long time, I've always done what I've wanted, and when. Guess I got pretty independent and I can do for myself with alot of things. It was different to hand over little things like letting him take the trash out, etc. So he is everything I want in a man and more. I just can't get this horrible ache inside to go away. I'm even afraid to have dinner with a girlfriend, thinking he'll be gone when I get home. Even though he's not acted in any way like that. Its just that I've seen first hand how he changes his mind so quickly. How can I let go of this feeling? Does anyone have any inputs?
Iwanttohope Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 You will drive yourself crazy if you choose to live like this. I'm not sure if you'll ever feel "safe" with him in light of how many times he has come and gone. I do understand the stress of the finances, the children, pending divorce, etc. but try to look at his character. Irregardless of his present circumstances, what character strengths can you say he possesses? It would hurt terribly to give him up, I know, but is it worth being hurt repeatedly? Its different for everyone. Only you can decide when you've had enough of living in fear that he'll leave again. In answer to your question of how to let go of this feeling-- you could muster up some denial and try to convince yourself he'll be true to his word or you can get into counseling and work through why you are willing to continue to let him do this to you. I know it's a horrible position to be in and it will hurt to choose the harder road, but the harder road is good for YOU, not self destructive. Talk to your friends...if they are your friends they will love you through this even if its tough love. Don't isolate yourself. You need the accountability to get through this.
movinon05 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Patricia, I wish you would come back and respond to us when you post. You keep disappearing when we try to help you out. If you don't want our help just to be able to talk things through, I understand. But you have been going round in circles like this for months. I really think you need to see a therapist to help you. We can only do so much. Your fear of him leaving, although understandable, is eating you up inside.
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