Is there something wrong with me???

[Doody&Boo]

First post so I ask please, no sarcasm but honest opinions. Somewhat long so I will give no great details unless needed later on.

 

Been married for 12 years, no kids and moved out of state for his job right after marrying. Met a couple and become good friends with them, did everything together - her and I became Best Friends. After a 17 yr marriage, she is divorcing (as of Oct 05), doesn't regret it but her heart aches for her 16 & 10 year old. We were always together but I made a point to include her in ALL of my plans after this started - had my H and my BF with me at all times. Unfortunately my H started calling her to see how she was doing, what the latest was without me knowing or telling me. Began to email her - I felt as if "something" was up but not sure what, I did a horrible thing and went into her personal email and saw emails sent from him to her checked cell phone bill and saw numberous calls to her cell, home and from her cell and home to him. The emails were him telling her she is the most incredible, beautiful woman he has ever know, he loves her, she has opened his eyes over the past few months........... Devastated, I confronted him and we had it out - he got defensive (as usual), told me that I had no right going into her email, I had no right checking up on him and we separated for a little over a month. Was made to feel as if I did this terrible thing by going into her personal stuff (by both). Slowly started coming home (at first sleeping in one of the guest rooms) and told me that I need not hate her because she never replied, did not initiate things and that I needed to make things right with her because of how close we are and what we meant to each other. Listening to him, I did - her and I worked real hard and seemed to be getting better just as him and I were - he didn't spend that much time with us and swore to me that he no longer has any contact with her. I did my best to keep the relationships separate at times all three of us did do stuff together but not like it was. Some reason I felt the need to go back into her email the beginning of June on a Monday and I saw where he sent her a song that Sunday and said 'listen to every word baby' - no response from her. Furious, I called him and again we were not nice to one another - he left that night. I called her and was flat out natsy to her - one of my biggest issues with her is that she AGAIN didn't tell me that he had done something like that. He cld me the next day around 4:15 we talked (I cried), he said it wasn't going to work, he didn't want to be married to me any longer and we could get together later and decide who was getting what. Having somewhat accepting it earlier that day I went and bought a 'Do It Yourself' Divorce kit and thought the exact same thing - why give money to an attorney when we have no kids, only debt a house and I can do the math and split up the money and assets. Got a call from him at 7:10 same night, said he was coming home - got home around 7:40 and sat and cried together. I believe it is over between them because he sent her an email from his Blackberry at 7:15 that night telling her it was over but he still loves her, needs me, will miss her, the love he should of found 20 years ago, will be forever jealous when he sees her with another but him and I have been through a lot and we have a history together. She forwarded it to me the next day and said "never meant to hurt you - hope this puts your mind at ease' is the only reason I know he sent it and what it said. I love him I swear I do but I can honeestly say I have lost some respect for him. How dare he do this to me and with my BF - although nothing sexual ever happened (what I'm told and I believe them) it was still lying, cheating, having an "affair" behind my back. So now here is where I am - he's back and I am trying as hard as I can but i will admit I have my moments, I no longer have my BF in my life due to his actions (NOT saying she did nothing wrong but HE started this) and while he does his work on his car on the weekends, I go to the beach by myself - he's out of town an entire week, I sit at home and do nothing (clean or laundry, yippee!). I'm finding it easier to forgive her more than him (I do not like to hold any grudges toward anyone) and the reason I think is because although she crushed my heart as well he stood in front of God and family 12 years ago married me and made a commitment to me. I can make excuses for everything - he lost his job, was with 6 months of turning 40 (mid-life crisis), she was vulnerable and he was saying nice things to her but the fact remains I am the one that is hurt in the end. I am so angry with him, have lost my BF, feel like I am the one that has caused all of this, I constantly asked him to do things for her, made sure all of us were with each other day in and day out. I hate the fact that I will no longer have her in my life and I know I will forever have the pain of what he did to me, will forever kinda doubt what he tells me, where he's been, what he's been doing - this sux! So, am I crazy for just wanting to close my eyes, wish as if nothing ever happened, open them and continue my relationships??? Already been told by him that I needed to make a choice, frustrates me because he did this but now I have to make a choice. He lied and treated our commitment like it meant nothing but is laying things down like that to me? He refuses to talk about anything, won't go to counseling (went at the beginning of the year a few times and we got nothing out of it) and says if our marriage hinges on counseling we need to draw up the papers because he is NOT going - maybe I need to go but not him. I made a comment to him that it is going to take work on both parts but more from him, he disagrees. I'm hurting and would like any feedback.

Thanks

[onlyhuman]

Wow, I'm sorry for the pain your going through.

You must move on away from these people.

To have been stabbed in the back by two people you loved and betrayed like this is horrible.

Don't even think about staying or even acknowledging her existance.

I'm so sorry for you.

[silktricks]

First, I feel so terribly bad for you. But since you've asked for feedback, I'd like to do my best to give you honest feedback. (You've had more than your fair share of lies.)

 

I have some questions. You've been married 12 years. Has anything remotely like this happened before?

 

Is your husband at all contrite about what happened? Does he take any responsibility for his actions, or is he simply blaming you?

 

You said he refuses counseling, does he also refuse to discuss the issues in your marriage? Does he talk to you about what he felt your relationship was missing? Have you asked him if he still loves the OW? What does he say?

 

Is a short separation in the cards, or are the only choices "forget about the EA (emotional affair) or get divorced?"

 

Now, for my honest opinion. Yes, you can get by this. The problem is that it will take help from your husband, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to give it at this point. It took me about a year and a half to get over the EA my H had (and that wasn't with my BF), but he put himself through hell to help me.

 

The guilt you feel is very normal. You should have heard the guilt that went on in my mind constantly. I'm not going to say here that none of it is your fault, because there is always a shared responsibility for things. If you decide to stay with your husband, you need to find out what is missing from your relationship from HIS perspective. Something is or he wouldn't have done what he did.

 

Now, the OW (your BF). You are letting her off scott free in this thing, and I'm sorry, but she's got some real culpability. Having been divorced, I know what happens, and there is some (a huge) desire to feel attractive. She used your husband (and you) to make herself feel better. Not a friend.

 

When push comes to shove, it's your choice about what to do. Do you love him enough to forgive him? Does he love you enough to help you?

 

Don't forget though, forgive means forgive. It doesn't mean "I'll make nice now, but everytime I get angry with you this gets thrown back in your face."

 

I hope the best for both you and your husband. You've got some healing to do.

[catgirl1927]

I am so sorry this happened to you. No, there is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with you. You are not to blame for any of this. How dare he attack you for snooping when he was trying to initiate an affair!

 

Only you can know what is the best thing for you to do at this point. There are people on here who have moved on after an affair and had good marriages, they can give you advice about that.

 

Even if he won't go to counseling, I would suggest that YOU go, because you are in a very delicate state right now. You've had the two people who meant the most in the world to you stab you in the back and betray you in a way that from what you've posted seems pretty callous and uncaring, and they don't seem to have any remorse about it. This is a lot to go through alone, please don't hesitate to get some help.

[NoIDidn't]

An emotional affair hurts as much if not more so than a physical one for most women. I know personally. If he is not going to help you heal from this and take responsibility for his actions, your marriage is in the pooper. You may not divorce, but you certainly will never know real happiness and intimacy with the elephant in your living room, if you know what I mean. He is probably thinking that because they did not have sex, that it wasn't an affair and that you should just get over it. But you know you can't just get over it. You don't necessarily need counselling if he is willing to be an open book and help you revive and reform your marriage.

 

And that friend of yours. My H has many female friends - that I made him get rid of following his EA. Most of them were women that I knew, but he was telling them horrible things about me that were none of their business. When someone has an EA, me thinks that they have done this sort of thing before.

[Doody&Boo]

Thank you all for your feedback - this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. To answer a few questions - No, he won't talk to me about the issue. Thinks it's in the past and that's where it should stay. We don't talk to each other anymore, we argue nonstop and I know a lot of it is my fault but it is coming from deep down inside and what he did to me. I know I need to let go of this and the anger but I can't seem to just yet (this all just happened within the past 8 months or so). He's said to me that I need to get over this, I think he thinks I should be able to just forget about things and move on - I need help in doing so. I am going to see a counselor next week - for myself and hopefully this will be a start for me. I do love him but a lot of my feelings are gone simply because of what I have/am going through. I've talked to his Mom and one of his sisters, they are very supportative of me and are very mad with him BUT he is their son and brother. I have not talked to my family because I do not want them hating him, he's not a horrible person just a person that has made a horrible mistake. I am however going to talk to my Dad, sent him an email the other day telling him I wanted to talk to him alone (my Mother would drvie me nuts over this - sorry to the Moms but you guys are CRAZY for your kids!) Anyway, it a daily chore just getting up knowing that him and I will argue over something, he will get defensive and then I will get pissed off - i don't want it to end but and fearing that we are at the beginning of the end and it truly breaks my heart.