SweetAndKinky Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Scenario: Long time friend turns into lover. In the beginning the woman makes it clear to the man that if he wants to continue to date other women, that he should do so. He says that he is not interested in dating anyone else. He cares about her and he only wants to be with her. When he asks her if she wants to date other men she tells him she doesn't but, since the "lovers" part of the relationship seemed to happen so quickly she didn't want him to feel obligated to just seeing her. So they agree to be exclusive. The relationship is like any other in the beginning "honeymoon" phase. The sex was amazing. Dates were enjoyable and sweet. Man is a wonderful gentleman, opening doors, paying for everything. Man plans a special birthday for the woman. They don't spend every day together because of family and job commitments plans with friends, involvement in playing sports, etc., but get together a few times a week and on the weekends. They talk on the phone every day and send each other sweet messages either via text message or email every day. They talk about everything together, as they always have. Past marriages, relationships, what's important to each of them, children, work, life, family, etc. They have never had an argument or disagreement. When the woman goes out of town for a few days the man calls her to tell her that he misses her and calls her or texts her on her drive back to the city to see how her drive is going as it is very late at night. The following day he comes to her house and mows the lawn and does some other chores, etc. around the house. The man and woman are very attentive to each other and at the as he is leaving she says she will see him later he says "Oh, are you coming over?" (Both are divorced; man has children every other week - during which the woman would come over once or twice after the children were asleep and spend the night - getting up early to go to work before they would see her). Woman, having just gotten back from long trip, having worked all day, and just finished doing yard work with this man say's "Probably not until tomorrow." Man says "Okay, well, give me a call if you change your mind." The woman spends her evening doing the normal things, eating dinner, watching tv, takes a shower and goes to bed. The following day the woman calls the man and confirms that she will be coming over that evening and the man is happy and looking forward to it. During the evening, the woman does what she always does and then gets ready to go to his house. She waits for his call to tell her that the children are asleep, but the call doesn't come. The woman, for some reason, starts to feel odd about this and finally calls the man and tells him that she is tired and is going to go to bed. He acts as if nothing is different and asks her if everything is okay. She says it's fine and he says okay and tells her to sleep good. And they hang up. This is approximately 6 weeks into the being lovers phase of the relationship. This is the first time the woman is feeling insecure about the relationship and she doesn't understand why, because the prior day was like all the others and they were very happy together. He had even recently told her that all of his friends and family were commenting on how much more he is smiling these days, etc. The next morning she calls him, but he doesn't answer. A bit later he telephones her and tells her that they need to talk. She asks what's wrong and he tells her that he thinks they should cool things off for awhile, but that he still wanted to be friends. She asked him why and he said he just didn't want a serious relationship. She asked him why he was telling her this on the telephone at the beginning of her work day and he said that he'd been thinking about it for a few days and he was planning on telling her when she came over the night before, but she never called. Okay, so now that you have the scenario. Here are the questions: 1. Since he told her on Wednesday am that he had been thinking about cooling things off "for a couple of days" why did he bother to come mow her lawn; and why didn't he tell her while he was there? 2. Why would he be happy on the telephone on Tuesday when she called to confirm their plans for that evening if he was planning on telling her that he wanted to cool it. Since he was obviously okay with telling her on the telephone on Wednesday, why not tell her on Tuesday when she called to confirm? There is more to the story, but I will wait for some replies and then continue on with what has happened since that point. Thanks so much for your help.
Author SweetAndKinky Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Wow, is this break up scenario SO UNUSUAL that none of the 50+ people who read it had any thoughts or ideas???
LN8840K Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Do I get a prize if I guess correctly ? he's met another woman and feels bad, 1. because he said he would mow the lawn, did not tell her directly because he is too afraid of confrontation. 2.because he was to afraid do I win ?
Author SweetAndKinky Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Let me challenge your answers... If it he met another woman...and didn't want confrontation...why didn't he call her on the phone on Tuesday...before she was supposed to come over, or on the phone tuesday night when she called to tell him she was going to bed, rather than wait for Wednesday morning? Could have done it without confrontation for two days... Hmmmmm........My first reaction was the same as yours.....met another woman scenario - but, it's not a perfect fit. If there is such a thing.
Bullgator Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Sounds like he's ambivalent. He's not sure what he wants. IMO, she should play it cool and see what happens. Let the relationship evolve naturally. He may or may not come back -- He needs to work through these feelings. If she pursues him now, it may drive him away. Or if it did make him come back, the ambivalence would just pop up again if he's not yet dealt with it. JMHO
crazy_grl Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 There's not really any way to know why he did that with so little information. It could be any number of things. He could have just gotten scared of the relationship. He could have met another woman Wed and lied about having been thinking about it for a couple days. The ghost of his grandmother may have appeared to him Tues night and told him to dump her... Without hearing some kind of explanation from him, it's impossible to know what's going on in his head.
scrybe74 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hmmm.....I would guess that when he saw you he was still trying to figure out what's going on inside himself. Something caused him to doubt the relationship. It could be another woman, it could be that he was doing a lot of things to make you happy but wasn't being his true self. It could be that he did something that would hurt you and wanted to get out before you found out. The waiting 2 days though probably just has to do with the fact that he was scared of confrontation with you or/and he just wasn't ready to 'go there' with you until he was sure of his feelings. As far as him acting normal - probably when he is near you he still has feelings for you but in absence something is bothering him about the relationship. I would put my money on this though: He thought you were THE ONE and went full steam ahead without thinking things through and now is freaking out because he's not sure if you're THE ONE anymore and probably would like to 'start over' and slow things down. It sounds like you two are practically married (mowing your lawn, etc.) and he probably fell into an old pattern he recognized from previous relationships.
Rossco Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Oh girlfriend... you got it bad! I can SOOOOOOO relate!
Author SweetAndKinky Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 She's an aries, he's a gemini. These are good replies though. And you're right, there's no real way of knowing...but was kind of hoping if someone had done this to someone they would understand why he might have done this. I've never had my feelings for someone change so drastically overnight, so I can't figure it out. Not sure what goes through someone's mind. I think I'm just very different. I either like you or I don't, and there is no inbetween for me.
rkman Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I either like you or I don't, and there is no inbetween for me. It's usually fear that keeps people on the fence
The slayer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Maybe he felt paranoid and irrationally rejected that you cancelled the sleepover, panicked and ended it as he was scared of being hurt or rejected? Who knows? You should ask him....
MarnieGirl Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Who knows? You should ask him.... that's an A+ idea.
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I thought you said there was more to the story. Are you going to share that? Did you ask him for an explanation for why he'd been thinking about breaking it off?
Author SweetAndKinky Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Yes, I did ask him. All he would tell me is that he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I asked him if I did anything wrong and he said no, it was him. Whenever I would ask him anything else about the relationship he said he just wouldn't answer me. I told him that for as long as we had been friends I thought I deserved better...but he just ignored me. So, I just quit contacting him altogether. I didn't know what to do. Then, out of the blue I get a text message that says "Happy Mother's Day" - So, I text him back a "Thank you" and told him I hoped his mom was having a nice mother's day, too (she had lost a son when he was just 17, so it's a hard day for her). After that he contacted me again and we were just talking about casual stuff and it turned to my ex's girlfriend being pregnant now. I told my guy that he'd better be careful now so that doesn't happen to him...use a condom...kind of thing. And he said he didn't think he was ever going to have sex again. I told him that would be a terrible waste of talent and he replied "Let me know when you want a little of that talent". In my head I'm thinking..."WH WHA WHAT?" Where did that come from? So I said to him "We already tried that once, it didn't work out so well!" He said that there was nothing wrong with helping each other out a little bit. I was floored. In my head I'm thinking..."If he can just throw out the 'booty call' just like that now, why didn't he do it in the beginning instead of leading me on to think it was something more." Well, I nipped that in the bud, he caught me so off guard. I thought we were just going to put our friendship back where it was and move on. I was not expecting this comment from me. He had always put me on this pedestal and had never, ever talked to me like that, ever. So, I waited a couple of days and sent him an email telling him that he made me feel like I was nothing but a "F*ckhole" and that I decided against hooking up with him again. I heard nothing back. A few days later, missing him again...I sent him an email that basically said "please tell me that it's the circumstances that are making you seem like such a different person that who I've always know. I miss the old "name" I used to know. He wrote back telling me that one minute I'm telling him he's an a-hole and the next minute I'm telling him I miss him. Told me to never contact him again. Shocked again. . . yah, MY mixed messages were upsetting to him! Hello? So, I wrote him back and said that of course my messages are mixed, I'm confused by his actions and I'm responding to what he is saying/doing. I heard nothing back. I sent him an email on his b-day that said Happy B-day. And I heard nothing. About three weeks later I sent him an email telling him "Quit being a weenie and just love me, you know you want to" And he writes back "So are your 'toys' not cutting it?" Happy he had calmed down enough to respond I joked that the vibrator never wants to cuddle afterwards and it always makes me get up to get the drink of water. He wrote back "So what are you saying? You want to come over for a bootie call?" I said "No, I'm saying I want to fix our friendship. If sex happens to be a part of that at some time, well so be it, but I miss having you in my life as a friend." So, now we are talking a little bit here and there. Not a whole lot. It's not at all the same friendship as before, I'm not sure if that takes time or if I should even care. His ex wife cheated on him and I know he's emotionally scared, which is why I thought we were perfect for each other - but everything seems so messed up now that I don't know how to fix it and get our TRUE friendship back. He still continues to bring up getting together for sex. I haven't exactly given him a definite "no" , I just keep being busy. It's not that I don't want to, but I feel like it will only make matters worse, not better. But, man do we have chemistry...earth shattering sexual chemistry. I hate depriving myself of that. But, the friendship with the guy I thought he was is more important than 5 or 6 hours of sheer physical pleasure...(I think ). He called late one night last week and I asked him why he was still up and he said he was listening to good music and doing some deep thinking about too many things. I said "sounds like you're enjoying yourself then" and he said "Yes and No." - I'm not sure if he was trying to get me to ask more questions or not, but I didn't. I figure if he can't be man enough to say what he wants to say, then I'm not going to beg it out of him. Then I didn't hear from him again until today when he sent a quick text message asking me if I sold my house yet...as it went on the market today. I'm thinking...for someone who is basically treating me like a booty call right now, why would he bother to contact me about that? So, my head is still trying to get a grip on what this is and what I should do with it. Part of me is just tired and wants to tell him to hit the road. And then at other times, I really miss his friendship and I don't want to sever our ties completely. And then I get horney and REALLY want to call him and have him come take care of it...but I think that will just make him lose whatever respect he might still have for me...unless he never had any respect for me anyway...which is possible if he was just playing a big game with me because his wife killed his ego. By the way, I've also know his wife for the past zillion years and she would DIE if she had any idea that we had gotten together. Part of me wonders if he was just spending time with me and playing that whole game to make sure she found out about it because he was so hurt for her cheating on him and he knew I would be the perfect way to get back at her. He also knows my ex husband, he used to work with him, and hated him. And I'm beginning to wonder if he just used to me to get back at him, too. I don't know. The whole thing makes me need a nap anymore. I'm actually getting tired of putting any energy into it. What friendship I used to believe we had may have all been a lie for all I know. But man....do we have chemistry! lol Did I already say that once? Oh, twice? Sorry...lol.
crazy_grl Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Dang. Talk about confusing! Him I mean him, not you. Before you can decide what to do about him, you need to decide exactly what you want from him. Do you want to be just friends? Do you want sex? Do you want a relationship again? From the sounds of it, all he wants is sex. MAYBE he's trying to use it as a means to reel you back to him because he realizes he made a mistake, but it's not likely. Even then, you shouldn't go for it, because if he wants to be with you he should have the balls to admit his mistake and say so directly. If this were me, I wouldn't get involved with him sexually again unless we both decided to start a relationship. With all the mixed messages and unreasonable behavior he's shown in the past, you can be sure he'll act that way again. I wouldn't risk dealing with all that drama just for a little pleasure. To have any kind of friendship at all, he has to be honest and not act like a jerk when you ask for something reasonable like an explanation for dumping you. The next time he brought up sex, I would tell him that I've decided I'm not interested and I'd appreciate it if he didn't talk to me that way anymore. He might get upset at that, but if he does, I'd know his true motivations and then I'd be done with him.
overseas2004 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 The one thing I kept thinking while reading your post was what a jerk you have for an ex. I dont think I would have thought the sms about the vibrator was funny. It actually would have hurt me. I am going through something simiilar now and its way way too painful. I think that if he is going to come back he will no matter what you do. So wouldnt it be better if you saved yourself the drama?
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