RealBroken Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Ok, all these poor buggers gettin dumped because they are nice. i'm one of them! I am a nurturer by nature, and i like nothing better to see my girl smiling so by nature i treat them really well. I do understand this is working against me. Should I/we change? Women seem to like an arse. Or is it that, there are girls out there that like what we are. My mother says i'd make the perfect husband to someone. Maybe the nice guy attitude is only working in womens older years??? Should we change? To keep the girl of our dreams should we really pretend? is that what you really need to do, or wait til someone comes along that appreciates who u are?
the_alchemyst Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 You should never pretend to be someone you are not. If someone falls in love with the self you have made up, then they have not fallen in love with you, and if they are not in love with you, it will never work. Pretense can only last for so long; it's an illusion that should never be created. BUT, I do hear where you're coming from: I would consider myself more a nurturer. I LOVED to do things for my exbf, to the point where I seemed to be a little too domesticated. I just cannot explain how much I loved doing things for him, whatever they may have been. In fact, it pleased me more to do things for him that it did to have him to things for me. The way I saw it was that the happiness that resulted from my doing things for him was more meaningful that the glee I felt from him doing things for me. I was more happied when knowing that I had made him happy. I remember that he used to call me "mummy," whenever I called him "baybee," which always made me laugh. But the fact is that he left. Why? I still don't really know. All I DO know, however, is that he probably feels that there is someone out there better suited for him--namely, a "bad girl." So, it does go both ways. I would not change the way I am, though. I wouldn't force myself to be a party/bad girl for a guy because that's not who I am. I know who I am and even though I sometimes blame my personality for the break up, I would not change it: in the long run, nice girls have more to offer than bad girls: it's an eternal battle between love and lust, it seems. So, no: don't change. Why would you want to? Would you pretend to be someone you are not just to be with someone? Why? They would merely be in love with the self that you made up--a fantasy, and not you--the reality. It's not worth it, my friend. Just don't think you are alone; nice girls have the exact same problem. I guess us nice people need to attract one another instead of attaching to the bad boys/girls.
Pink Amulet Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I went out with an 'arse'. Now I want a nice guy. He still needs to be emotionally strong, but I want him to treat me nicely. It will be a nice change, when I find him!
Author RealBroken Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Can you describe emotionally strong...... and whats attractive about it. Thanks
Pink Amulet Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Well, I don't want my boyrfriend to be a cold, thoughtless jerk, but tears, and "I can't live with out you" doesn't do it for me either. I would like to know my partner could live without me, like I could live without him. I mean when you think about it, we were fully functioning members of society, capable of making decisions based on logic before we met. For example, as much as I understand this is a place to grieve the loss of love etc. I am a little bit put off by some of the comments otherwise intelligent, and I am sure masculine men have been making on this site. I have also ended a relationship with a man who I loved for five years, he was my first love, and the first and only man I have ever been with. But, I realise now we were not meant to be together and I am looking forward to a much happier life without him. We loved, we learnt, we had good times, but it didn't work, so lets move on... Although, he is now begging and pleading it is sickening to me. I love tenderness, and sweet words, but only when they are said for no other reason than love. No agenda, no plee for forgiveness, I think these acts are petty. I am a big believer in balance, I believe I can be an attractive, feminine and sexual being while still possessing intelligence, strength and a thirst for knowledge (traditionally masculine qualities). So, I believe there is a balance when it comes to men. Arrogance is not an attractive personality trait, but neither is a lack of self confidence. Eg. I went out on the weekend to a bar with some girlfriends, I was approached by far too many men for my liking :/ and the only one I wanted to meet was the one who was ignoring me?!?! Perhaps it was his stand offish nature, or perhaps it was the fact that he had too much self respect too sink to his friends level! But in the end I approached him, and he was charming and sweet BUT he also offered to buy me a drink and physically defended me when a man reached for my breasts. SO although we like nice guys in touch with SOME feminine qualities, we also want to know they can protect and look after us (even if we don't really need it).
Author RealBroken Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Hmmm, ok so i didnt cry at the breakup. I did ask for her back, but never begged. You had to ask though really dont yah ha ha. She got tenderness and nice words everyday we were together, Iam the nice guy...... and I KNOW and SHE knew that i was more than capable of protecting her. Has put my mind at ease a bit I guess. Maybe she still saw me as weak, i dunno. I dont think there was anything wrong with being a bit upset over a breakup. of course ya gonna be if u love someone. hope she doesnt see me as weak. I haven't contacted her for 5 weeks. Found out tonight she jumped straight into a relationship with someone else she knew while we were to gether.... yeah, quite pissed off and hurt over that one. But all ive done is email her tonigh, hi, i need my stuff back please, please post it. I hope that shows her im not actually a quivering mess. I think that some gilrs almost hope that you are. I'm too pissed off for that now, stil hurt, but oh so pissed off. Feels like everything we had was nothing right now. Well, I don't want my boyrfriend to be a cold, thoughtless jerk, but tears, and "I can't live with out you" doesn't do it for me either. I would like to know my partner could live without me, like I could live without him. I mean when you think about it, we were fully functioning members of society, capable of making decisions based on logic before we met. For example, as much as I understand this is a place to grieve the loss of love etc. I am a little bit put off by some of the comments otherwise intelligent, and I am sure masculine men have been making on this site. I have also ended a relationship with a man who I loved for five years, he was my first love, and the first and only man I have ever been with. But, I realise now we were not meant to be together and I am looking forward to a much happier life without him. We loved, we learnt, we had good times, but it didn't work, so lets move on... Although, he is now begging and pleading it is sickening to me. I love tenderness, and sweet words, but only when they are said for no other reason than love. No agenda, no plee for forgiveness, I think these acts are petty. I am a big believer in balance, I believe I can be an attractive, feminine and sexual being while still possessing intelligence, strength and a thirst for knowledge (traditionally masculine qualities). So, I believe there is a balance when it comes to men. Arrogance is not an attractive personality trait, but neither is a lack of self confidence. Eg. I went out on the weekend to a bar with some girlfriends, I was approached by far too many men for my liking :/ and the only one I wanted to meet was the one who was ignoring me?!?! Perhaps it was his stand offish nature, or perhaps it was the fact that he had too much self respect too sink to his friends level! But in the end I approached him, and he was charming and sweet BUT he also offered to buy me a drink and physically defended me when a man reached for my breasts. SO although we like nice guys in touch with SOME feminine qualities, we also want to know they can protect and look after us (even if we don't really need it).
Poboy Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Always be yourself no matter what happens , be natural . What you can do is learn from the situations where you think it was you who did something wrong and try to improve yourself next time around. Dating and relationships is a learning process ,you might have to go through a lot of women or if your lucky , just a few to find your kind and there are a lot of girls who dig nice guys
rkman Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 ...capable of making decisions based on logic... Now this is what I need in a girl. To the OP. Don't change. You just need to find someone who is a tad bitter, those are the ones who have seen the good, the bad and the ugly and have a clue what life is about. Just learn the situations where being nice might be bad for the growth of your partner and partnership, but be yourself and be a good guy.
kitten chick Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Yes, please turn into an a**h***. There certainly aren't enough of those in the world. I bet you're not as much of a nice guy as you think you are so just don't change and you'll be fine.
Bex_23 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 In my opinion each realtionship that doesn't work out helps you to focus more on understanding what it really is we are looking for and also how to function better in a relationship ourselves when we get there. I behaved in ways, responded to things in ways in earlier relationships that I simply wouldn't now. I think it takes quite some time to work out what it really is we need form a relationship. And even longer to be honest with ourselves about the difference between what we want and need. Don't change, just dont expect everyone you love to turn out to be the right one for you
alphamale Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Women seem to like an arse. give the women what they want...you do want to keep 'em happy, after all.
Guitar Wizard Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 give the women what they want...you do want to keep 'em happy, after all. lol.... I prefer to find girls that like me for who I am, not some pathetic outer a**h*** layer I would project to get in their pants. In all honesty, that kind of life devoid of emotional attachment and pure lust seems empty, for me anyways. Im usually always nice, unless my good nature gets taken advantage of. Nice guys don’t need to change, they just need to know when it’s right to put your foot down if your kind will is being mistreated. Some nice guys lack the backbone to tell the girl they’ve fallen for what they really feel, and if you get to the point to where your afraid of losing you SO just for saying what you really feel, what kind of relationship is that? Anyway, everyone should just be who the are, and never try to bury their own personality under the crushing weight of the persona they think they "Should" have. If someone doesn’t like you for who you are, then they aren’t right for you. So, the point is, never stop being nice, being nice is what will save the world. Just... don’t let being nice turn into being controlled, because that existence is far worse then anything else I can imagine. Freedom to express your true self is what a good relationship is all about.
gfto Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 There's a third kind of guy that no one is talking about: the "gentleman." He's not a jerk, but he's not a "nice guy" either. He gives his gf respect, romance and affection, but he tells her "no" from time to time and doesn't take crap from her or anyone else. The problem with a "nice guy" is that he NEVER puts his foot down or says "no" under any circumstances. The "nice guy" is too happy to be with his girlfriend, so he'll take any crap she throws at him. Thus, she has no respect for him, and he gets dumped. Gentlemen finish first. Jerks come in second. Nice guys finish dead last.
Pink Amulet Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 gtfo check out my post. I refer to this type of male being ideal...
gfto Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 You most certainly did Pink. I would like to know my partner could live without me, like I could live without him. I mean when you think about it, we were fully functioning members of society, capable of making decisions based on logic before we met. This, straight from a woman's mouth guys. Read it and memorize it.
Pink Amulet Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I didn't realise this was such an unusual statement for a female to make? Hmmm... *flutters eyelashes* ...I figured I should do something typically feminine to redeem myself
allina Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I will never date an a**h***, and I will not let a guy treat me like crap or disrespect me, I love nice guys. Now, a nice guy is not the same as a back bone lacking pushover, thats not very attractive. I don't understand women that go after total dicks then cry about how bad the relationship is, it's like, well no s***, isn't this what you were going after?
daphne Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Never change. I love nice guys with an edge. That is, a nice guy who has enough self esteem to stand up to me if I go too far. I usually don't but it can happen. Otherwise, nice guys are much better in relationships.
gman123 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 But in the end I approached him, LOL if only it were that simple....don't muster up the courage to go talk to the beautiful girl and she will come over to you instead!
scrybe74 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I'm just echoing what GFTO and Pink Amulet have to say. I am a recovering 'nice guy'. I've been that way all through highschool and part of college. I got treated pretty bad by the opposite sex and never seem to find my self in a good situation. I met a girl in college and fell head over heals in love with her and would do anything for her. Long story short we got married - she ruled my life and kicked me around most of the time. I started to get a little backbone and she freaked out. We went our separate ways. For 2 years afterwards I was the 'a**h***' guy and I was getting laid left and right. Never had problems with women because everything was on my terms - but in the end it wasn't me and I wasn't happy being a dick even if the women I dated seemed to want that. Over time I learned to be the third kinda guy - the guy who's nice and respectful and thoughtful but really has a grasp on who he is and what he wants and isn't afraid to say no and more importantly isn't afraid of being alone because of it. Be who you are, respect yourself and set boundaries on what you are and are not willing to sacfrifice/compromise. Know that you are a good match for some lucky lady out there and when you meet her make it true. Keep in mind that even the best of women will push you on your boundaries and to simply give in means that you have no selfrespect so why would she respect you? It's not games -it's just human nature. Forget this girl and don't worry about what she thinks. She may or may not come around but you need to really not care at this point and work on getting your self together for the next beautiful, intelligent and sexy lady to cross your path. Good luck!
Guest Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Should we change? To keep the girl of our dreams should we really pretend? is that what you really need to do, or wait til someone comes along that appreciates who u are? The answer is that you remain TRUE to who YOU are. Just always remember that "breathing room" and some "independence" is necessary in a relationship -- especially early in the relationship. You have to let "love" happen slowly, one delicate step at a time. Always be real, honest, trustworthy, and keep respect between one another. These ingredients will carry you far.
Pink Amulet Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 LOL if only it were that simple....don't muster up the courage to go talk to the beautiful girl and she will come over to you instead! Haha, well it works in theory! I know I will only humour a guy who tries to 'chat me up' in a bar. They are usually arrogant, and full of themselves... I see an end to that pretty damn quickly. I am usually turned on by their friends shaking their head behind them at the ridiculous behaviour, the nice guys essentially. But to correlate to my previous statement about them having to have a bit of balls too... I would suggest at this stage walking past, on the way to 'the bathroom' and apologise for his behaviour, and keep on walking... damn that's so hot I might be tempted to follow!
Diver012 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I used to consider myself a nice guy. Most girl friends back in the day did as well. I wore my heart on my sleeve so to speek. Big mistake. I woke up one morning after another I want and I need her session over a woman who recognized me for who I was and backed off, and "Woke up". I dropped teh matter entirely. I didnt talk with her. I wasnt upset over her. I dropped it. 3 months later she came chasing back after me and was all over it. I was emotionally done with her at this point and basically dropped it. I had no interest. Even though I loved my recent Ex very deeply, I havent asked her back once. I fought with telling her how I felt, but changed my mind even on that level. She turned and left. I wont stand here with my heart opened up when shes not interested. I put it away for another time Thats what it means to me to Not be a nice Guy. Take your licks like a man and walk away with your Pride. She passed up on you, her loss.
The slayer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Nice guys are best.....although I seem magnetically drawn to bad boys, it never works out!
donpepot Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Well, I don't want my boyrfriend to be a cold, thoughtless jerk, but tears, and "I can't live with out you" doesn't do it for me either. I would like to know my partner could live without me, like I could live without him. I mean when you think about it, we were fully functioning members of society, capable of making decisions based on logic before we met. For example, as much as I understand this is a place to grieve the loss of love etc. I am a little bit put off by some of the comments otherwise intelligent, and I am sure masculine men have been making on this site. I have also ended a relationship with a man who I loved for five years, he was my first love, and the first and only man I have ever been with. But, I realise now we were not meant to be together and I am looking forward to a much happier life without him. We loved, we learnt, we had good times, but it didn't work, so lets move on... Although, he is now begging and pleading it is sickening to me. I love tenderness, and sweet words, but only when they are said for no other reason than love. No agenda, no plee for forgiveness, I think these acts are petty. I am a big believer in balance, I believe I can be an attractive, feminine and sexual being while still possessing intelligence, strength and a thirst for knowledge (traditionally masculine qualities). So, I believe there is a balance when it comes to men. Arrogance is not an attractive personality trait, but neither is a lack of self confidence. Eg. I went out on the weekend to a bar with some girlfriends, I was approached by far too many men for my liking :/ and the only one I wanted to meet was the one who was ignoring me?!?! Perhaps it was his stand offish nature, or perhaps it was the fact that he had too much self respect too sink to his friends level! But in the end I approached him, and he was charming and sweet BUT he also offered to buy me a drink and physically defended me when a man reached for my breasts. SO although we like nice guys in touch with SOME feminine qualities, we also want to know they can protect and look after us (even if we don't really need it). super damn exactly!!!! this girl said it all.....no furher explanation chit chat needed..
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