cuckolded husband Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Seem like I give into my wife after a fight. She always brings up all the things that I've done wrong she has had many years to gether up things that I've done and tells me that she has forgiven me and I should get over what she has done. When I try to talk to her about her EA<PA, she changes the fight about how she has forgiven me and how I hurt her and I should get over it. I would love to be able to turn a switch and just forget it but I CAN NOT AT THIS TIME!!!!!! She tells me that 8 months has been pleny of time to get over it. I see pictures of around that time and I think of the bad things. Its just hard to cope with this whole thing. She tells me that I dwell on it to much and I want to. This is the farest from the truth. I say that if you do the crime you got to do the time, seems like when I did something wrong I had to be the one who had to do the giving.. She has the PA and it come back to me to do the giving that SUCKSSSSSSS... I like to say SCREW IT ALL!!!!!!!!! but what do you??? It looks like I'm undergunned I'm not very good with word fights she kicks my ass every time she knows how to turn everything around to make me look like an smuck. But she is the one who F__Ked UP not me I've payed for my mistakes, time and time again. Sometimes I don't want to live at all. Just wish I could get over it.
Bryanp Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Your message indicates that you are in an abusive relationship and your wife is the emotional abuser. The fact that you think of not living says it all. Your wife betrayed your wedding vows, screwed another man for a period of time and put your health at great risk for STD's. Ask yourself is this how you wish to live the rest of your life. The problem with being in an abusive relationship is that the person being abused rarely understands that it is an abusive relationship. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. Decide if you wish to stay married and change the dynamics of your marriage. What has been the consequences of your wife having this sexual affair? My guess is that your wife engaged in it knowing that you would accept all of this pain of betrayal and that there would be no consequences to her actions. It also sounds like she has little respect for you. Again if you don't respect yourself then who will? Ask yourself are you better living with her or without her? I would strongly suggest that you seek individual counseling to understand why you feel the need to accept such abuse in your life.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I'm curious to know what your past "mistakes" were. If you mean that you cheated in the past, that's one thing. If you mean that you worked too hard for awhile, or neglected the lawn sometimes, or left the kitchen in a mess after dinner, or preferred to be a bit of a homebody while she was a social butterfly, then she is completely full of s*** about "forgiving you". However much she may twist things, wedding vows don't contain any verbiage to cover stuff like that. However, most vows do contain a vow of fidelity and loyalty. Which she breached by f***ing somebody else. So... what, exactly, do you have to apologize for?
jmargel Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 If you are not good with words then don't use them. Write a letter and perfect it before giving it to her. Write down all your feelings, emotions, how you felt when it happened and how you feel now. Towards the end of the letter tell her you are going to counseling and you want her to go with you. If she doesn't agree right away, then go by yourself. It will help you tremendously. You don't have to go through this yourself. One of the main reasons why IMO I think she is acting this way is that she is very immature emotionally. You can't reason with a person like this and like you said she knows how to turn things around to make HER feel better. She's not looking out for you or the marriage. It's like a brother/sister relationship. You getting into a fight w/ your sister and she tells mom about everything YOU did to HER. You probably don't feel like you are being understood by her and how you feel, so your emotions just get more upset which then reflects onto her. She then reflects back with more of her same old story. The only way to be able to communicate better is marriage counseling. You have nothing to lose and I would suggest you look for a licensed MC today. There is NO excuse to cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right. However when you are dealing with someone who is not emotionally mature you have a big problem on your hands. Only a counselor / psychologist is trained to deal with such people.
Chump64 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 She is not fighting fairly. She has no right to bring up your past "wrongs" when you are discussing her infidelity. She has no right to tell you to 'get over it.' You are on your own timeline for recovery, and she outta be kissing your a$$ and helping you inch along. It sounds like you two need to learn how to discuss things better. Have you looked at any relationship books, for example? Don't let a discussion turn into a fight where past 'wrongs' are brought into it. Ask her to stay focused. When she bring up other topics, steer her back to the discussion and suggest that you talk about that topic separately, in a few moments.
johnlucas Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Seem like I give into my wife after a fight. She always brings up all the things that I've done wrong she has had many years to gether up things that I've done and tells me that she has forgiven me and I should get over what she has done. When I try to talk to her about her EA<PA, she changes the fight about how she has forgiven me and how I hurt her and I should get over it. I would love to be able to turn a switch and just forget it but I CAN NOT AT THIS TIME!!!!!! She tells me that 8 months has been pleny of time to get over it. I see pictures of around that time and I think of the bad things. Its just hard to cope with this whole thing. She tells me that I dwell on it to much and I want to. This is the farest from the truth. I say that if you do the crime you got to do the time, seems like when I did something wrong I had to be the one who had to do the giving.. She has the PA and it come back to me to do the giving that SUCKSSSSSSS... I like to say SCREW IT ALL!!!!!!!!! but what do you??? It looks like I'm undergunned I'm not very good with word fights she kicks my ass every time she knows how to turn everything around to make me look like an smuck. But she is the one who F__Ked UP not me I've payed for my mistakes, time and time again. Sometimes I don't want to live at all. Just wish I could get over it. You wanna know where to start? Look at your screenname here at LoveShack.org. "cuckolded husband" You have identified yourself as & bought into the notion that you are a cuckold. A helpless defenseless cuckold. As long as you continue to ascribe that type of adjective to your being that is pretty much how you're gonna be. A clue to changing behavior is to take conscious notice of the type of language you use. What type of words are most common in your stream of consciousness & what context & syntax does it have. "Cuckolded". "Cuckolded Husband". See right there in itself you absolve yourself of your own power. I HAVE BEEN Cuckolded by such & such. She has Cuckolded me. Her lover has Cuckolded me. You put yourself UNDER the power of another who you then ALLOW to place their actions (verb) against/on you. Now if you say like THIS: I Cuckolded myself. I became a Cuckold, I Cuckolded, after she blah blah blah. I Cuckolded as a result of her lover etc. etc. HERE you recognize that YOU had the power to become this caricature. Whether in the aftermath of someone's actions or not YOU took it upon yourSELF to become cuckolded. Egoshift. I mentioned it in another of my posts. The betrayed & played always sees the other as more important. While the betrayer & player always sees himself/herself more important. To the betrayed the betrayer is the focus. To the betrayer the betrayer is the focus. You don't know how to stand up for yourself anymore. You have given away all of your power to her. And you keep waiting on her to reward you with what is already yours. In these feeble attempts to reclaim what is yours you come up empty because you are acting out of character. You don't WANT to play the role of one who stands up for himself. You try for awhile psyched up from the words from people here on the forum but you are fearful because you still at the core believe her to have the rights to your power. And it comes out from within after you put on your show. You are still the cuckold only ACTING Tough & Bold. You gotta put it in your core first before you can put it on the surface. And to DO that you gotta change how you see yourself. You have to take notice of your language usage & shift the whole formation of the words. Not just on paper & in audio but in the mind. Your internal thoughts must reflect this too. You must hear these new assertive words in your head on a constant basis. Like a priming. The internal thought is the yodeler on the mountains & the expressed words & verbals are the echoes. Mind: Yodel-ay-HEE-hoooooo! Mouth: (((Yodel-ay-HEE-hoooooo!)))(((yodel-ay-HEE-hoooooo!))) Until you get back the reality that you own your self-respect & self-worth you will continue to give in. And she will basically do whatever to you because she can. Like 'why does a dog etc. etc.?' Because he can. I'll at least give you the first step. Quit thinking of yourself as "cuckolded husband" & "cuckold" in general. Unless this is a lifestyle choice you've chosen I'd delete this notion with the quickness. I'd suggest an ID like "Betrayed Nevermore" or "The Overcomer". Just throwing something out there. the husband: "But she is the one who F__Ked UP not me" Remember that & proceed accordingly. She has no leg to stand on here so quit acting like she does. Reread your post history here at LoveShack.org... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=27278 ...and see if you don't see where you can start making some changes. Quit being a Victim & start being a Victor. And no I'm not talking about the one from the soap operas either. John Lucas
Kenyth Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 If you think you're going to make her become remorseful through the power of your righteousness, you can think again. You have power over the way YOU think, not the way SHE thinks. You have little control over her save providing consequences for her actions. Buddy, grow some balls here! You don't need this crap! It doesn't matter how good she is with words. (Most women are anyway, but it only matters if you let it.) When you draw the line, you draw the line and no amount of talk can make you back down if you don't want to. You want shock factor? Next time she dismisses your feelings, tell her you can't talk to her, pack a bag, and go somewhere. Give her a one finger salute if appropriate. Clear out the account or move it to your name only. Let her talk to the walls for a while and see how far it gets her. You need to put a little fear in her. She's entirely too used to dominating you. Do you have kids? If not, I say leave all this s*** behind and get out while the gettings good. Even if you do start standing up for yourself, it's liable to make things worse before they get better. I don't think you've yet got the kind of stamina it will take to ride this thing out successfully to your happiness.
Sup Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Seem like I give into my wife after a fight. She always brings up all the things that I've done wrong she has had many years to gether up things that I've done and tells me that she has forgiven me and I should get over what she has done. When I try to talk to her about her EA<PA, she changes the fight about how she has forgiven me and how I hurt her and I should get over it. I would love to be able to turn a switch and just forget it but I CAN NOT AT THIS TIME!!!!!! She tells me that 8 months has been pleny of time to get over it. I see pictures of around that time and I think of the bad things. Its just hard to cope with this whole thing. She tells me that I dwell on it to much and I want to. This is the farest from the truth. I say that if you do the crime you got to do the time, seems like when I did something wrong I had to be the one who had to do the giving.. She has the PA and it come back to me to do the giving that SUCKSSSSSSS... I like to say SCREW IT ALL!!!!!!!!! but what do you??? It looks like I'm undergunned I'm not very good with word fights she kicks my ass every time she knows how to turn everything around to make me look like an smuck. But she is the one who F__Ked UP not me I've payed for my mistakes, time and time again. Sometimes I don't want to live at all. Just wish I could get over it. The next time SHE does this you had better tell HER that what SHE did was a BILLION times WORSE than anything you have done, even combined, also I say talk to a lawyer find out about YOUR rights, and Divorce HER sorry BUTT. She's not taking responsiblity for HER actions, so YOU take responsiblity for BOTH of you and LEAVE her in the dust! See how FAST she turns around then, and if not, oh well, you're better off.
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Thanks You see to hear her tell it I have all the power and that she needs me except when we fight I stand my ground but I always give in at the end. JL your off just a little but thanks for the info you gave me alot to think about. Keep it coming. "Overcomer" I like that.
sylviaguardian Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I think that fact that your wife is turning every conversation round to what you did wrong, signals that she has not yet accepted responsibility for her actions. At the end of the day, no matter what you did or didn't do (and I am presuming that you didn't cheat, hit her or whatever) she made a CHOICE and the choice was hers alone. I agree with the poster who said maybe you should pack a bag. She needs to start taking responsibility for her actions instead of blaming you. Or maybe you could listen, acknowledge what she says but keep calm and stick to your guns. E.g.: W: You never paid me any attention! I feel so insignificant! H: I understand that you might have some issues that we can work on at a later date but right now the issue that we are addressing is your choice to be unfaithful to me. If she keeps turning it around, terminated the conversation and tell her you will resume it once she is able to accept responsibility for her choices. I am sure there is something in a book about exactly this (blaming the WS?) Anybody help me out?
sylviaguardian Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 By the way, changing your name is a great idea. How about Takenomores***?
Mz. Pixie Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I think that fact that your wife is turning every conversation round to what you did wrong, signals that she has not yet accepted responsibility for her actions. At the end of the day, no matter what you did or didn't do (and I am presuming that you didn't cheat, hit her or whatever) she made a CHOICE and the choice was hers alone. I agree with the poster who said maybe you should pack a bag. She needs to start taking responsibility for her actions instead of blaming you. Or maybe you could listen, acknowledge what she says but keep calm and stick to your guns. E.g.: W: You never paid me any attention! I feel so insignificant! H: I understand that you might have some issues that we can work on at a later date but right now the issue that we are addressing is your choice to be unfaithful to me. If she keeps turning it around, terminated the conversation and tell her you will resume it once she is able to accept responsibility for her choices. I am sure there is something in a book about exactly this (blaming the WS?) Anybody help me out? This is defensive communication she's doing with you. She brings up what you've done to take the focus off of her actions. Sylvia is right- she isn't taking responsibility. She is also right that you should steer her back to the original subject. Everyone has the tendency to use defensive communication. For example, "Honey, you didn't take out the trash when I needed you to" spouse replies "Yeah, but you didn't load the dishwasher when you said you would" She's just taking it to another level. How I handle this with my spouse is to say "This is my time to discuss my issues- you can pick your time to discuss your issues with what I've done at another time- when you bring it up- not in relation to any of my comments about your actions" In another words- if you're talking to her about her infidelity- you have the floor. Then, at another time of her choosing- she is welcome to discuss what she thinks you've done.
Sup Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 You don't want to leave YOUR home, it could be used against you as abandonment.
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks again I hate to fight because of where it leads, I'm no p--sy or anything and I tend to say what needs to be said but seems like I always give in and try to make-up. There are times that I know that the wife is really sorry also I'm not implying that she is heartless or a Bitch. She is very good at arguments should have been a lawyer she is that good. Have seen her take down so many people but she said that I can't Comm. with her very good the truth is it easy not to, because she can turn things around slicker than snot. When she get me frustrated it is hard to focus and I get mad then I have got to walk away. How can a person ask two questions and expect the answer in the same answer? Anyone have a similar problem like that? Just a gift she has, Just wish I could trust her again, Everyone keeps telling to grow some balls thats not it. I have got to keep my cool.
Bryanp Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Your wife betrays her wedding vows, sexuallly cheats on you with another man over an extended period, puts your health at great risk for STD's, humiliates and disrespects you in the worst possible way, and then tries to turn it around on you and tells you to get over it. Do you really wish to settle for this in your life? If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting as she wants you to be? My question is why you would wish to be with such a person? If you knew then what you know now, would you have still wished to marry her again? Think about it.
Kenyth Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks again I hate to fight because of where it leads, I'm no p--sy or anything and I tend to say what needs to be said but seems like I always give in and try to make-up. There are times that I know that the wife is really sorry also I'm not implying that she is heartless or a Bitch. She is very good at arguments should have been a lawyer she is that good. Have seen her take down so many people but she said that I can't Comm. with her very good the truth is it easy not to, because she can turn things around slicker than snot. When she get me frustrated it is hard to focus and I get mad then I have got to walk away. How can a person ask two questions and expect the answer in the same answer? Anyone have a similar problem like that? Just a gift she has, Just wish I could trust her again, Everyone keeps telling to grow some balls thats not it. I have got to keep my cool. Bud, you've got it wrong. You've got to GET MAD! Anger is a tool that the creatures of this planet have been using to set boundaries since time immemorial. Don't get me wrong, being reasonable is great. It's just that you can't let yourself get screwed with slick double talk undermining your resolve. Set your boundary, (ie. "It's NOT my fault that she f#$%^d someone else!", "It's my RIGHT to be upset about this as long as it takes to heal!", "I DO have the right to treat her with mistrust until the trust is rebuilt.", etc.) When she runs into that boundary, nail her ass to the wall with a very simple, yet powerful word, "NO!" She either accepts that boundary, or (after numerous attempts at breaking it) you walk! Make it that simple. In certain matters of great importance, you have to make it clear that the other persons opinion or wish is of no consequence to you. You feel very strongly about it and either they will accept it and act accordingly or you will leave. This won't make her change how she feels, but it will cut through all the bulls*** and force things to a head. After using this technique, it can become addictive. Be careful not to overuse it (as I did). It can cause just as many problems as it fixes.
silktricks Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks again I hate to fight because of where it leads, I'm no p--sy or anything and I tend to say what needs to be said but seems like I always give in and try to make-up. There are times that I know that the wife is really sorry also I'm not implying that she is heartless or a Bitch. She is very good at arguments should have been a lawyer she is that good. Have seen her take down so many people but she said that I can't Comm. with her very good the truth is it easy not to, because she can turn things around slicker than snot. When she get me frustrated it is hard to focus and I get mad then I have got to walk away. How can a person ask two questions and expect the answer in the same answer? Anyone have a similar problem like that? Just a gift she has, Just wish I could trust her again, Everyone keeps telling to grow some balls thats not it. I have got to keep my cool. You guys need counseling. It sounds like you've both decided to try to work things out after her A, but she's not playing fair. (And she's certainly not fighting fair.) She expects you to forgive her for a PA within 8 months? Trust me on this - that's not gonna happen. It took me a year and a half for an EA!! You ought to sit down with your wife and tell her that you love her very much. (If you didn't you wouldn't be trying to work this out, right?) And that you are trying very hard to put the past into the past, but sometimes it's simply not possible. During those times you need to feel safe in your love, but if she get's angry with you when you feel unsafe it just makes everything worse!! You don't want to fight, you don't want to argue, you just want to feel right in your relationship again. Or not, I'm not a man and maybe that would be just impossible for a man to say. But it seems like it's probably the truth. Anyway - good luck.
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