CantCutitOff Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Hello all- I haven't posted in awhile but I've recently thought about this a lot in my situation and thought I'd bounce it off some of you. I didn't see another thread on this anywhere -- my apologies if it's out there. Have those of you who have "moved on" from your OW/OM status found that your previous relationship with a MM/MW has been a "deal breaker" in the relationships that follow? I've was an "OW" for about 5 months (and am working on truly cutting that status). I'm starting to become closer with a SINGLE male friend of mine.... and am thinking that our friendship (still in its early stages) could potentially become romantic. However, I worry that he would be done with me if he found out that I was ever involved with a MM. Does this come up later on? How have you guys dealt with that? I believe in honesty as the best policy... but I'm scared of what I could lose (in this situation and the potential others that would follow). THoughts?
RealityCheck Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Hello all- I haven't posted in awhile but I've recently thought about this a lot in my situation and thought I'd bounce it off some of you. I didn't see another thread on this anywhere -- my apologies if it's out there. Have those of you who have "moved on" from your OW/OM status found that your previous relationship with a MM/MW has been a "deal breaker" in the relationships that follow? I've was an "OW" for about 5 months (and am working on truly cutting that status). I'm starting to become closer with a SINGLE male friend of mine.... and am thinking that our friendship (still in its early stages) could potentially become romantic. However, I worry that he would be done with me if he found out that I was ever involved with a MM. Does this come up later on? How have you guys dealt with that? I believe in honesty as the best policy... but I'm scared of what I could lose (in this situation and the potential others that would follow). THoughts? Well, if this post doesn't contain a little a ray of sunshine... You don't have to be honest with your past EVER! Past is past and the new BF has no right to know something that did not involve him! I believe in honestly! However whatever you have done prior to him in your life has no room for your new relationship. Listen Dolly, sometimes silence is golden and in this case, its 18kt! I'm so happy for you. Enjoy your new found companion!
movinon05 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Aw geez, here I thought I was going to sleep, but I'm gonna post now so I can get some sleep! lol! I've been dating for awhile now, post A. There is no reason to just spill your guts to this guy at first. Start fresh. Just because you made mistakes in your life does not mean you have to put a scarlett letter on your chest and hope someone will not notice! Get to know this guy as normally as possible. If the subject of past relationships come up, you can give generalities. But unless this kind of "cheating" subject comes up, there's no reason to do this now. If it does come up and he says he is vehemently opposed to cheaters, then its best to know that then. And that might be the time to tell him, because there's no point in pursuing a relationship with someone who is not in sync with your feelings and not accepting of you as a person sans mistakes. Otherwise, allow him to care for you as he learns all the wonderful things about you. Maybe he'll be more accepting of the fact if its necessary to bring it up at some point. If not, you'll find out soon enough. You are not some kind of cattle that needs to be branded! You are a human being. Give yourself a break.
zarathustra Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Hello all- I haven't posted in awhile but I've recently thought about this a lot in my situation and thought I'd bounce it off some of you. I didn't see another thread on this anywhere -- my apologies if it's out there. Have those of you who have "moved on" from your OW/OM status found that your previous relationship with a MM/MW has been a "deal breaker" in the relationships that follow? I've was an "OW" for about 5 months (and am working on truly cutting that status). I'm starting to become closer with a SINGLE male friend of mine.... and am thinking that our friendship (still in its early stages) could potentially become romantic. However, I worry that he would be done with me if he found out that I was ever involved with a MM. Does this come up later on? How have you guys dealt with that? I believe in honesty as the best policy... but I'm scared of what I could lose (in this situation and the potential others that would follow). THoughts? I told about the men that came and went in my life. Including xMM. I think honesty is a good policy. My H, on the other hand has never told me anything about his xgf until I told him that I felt like he had things to hid because he never did. He finally told me but he said that it was a long time ago and really has no bearing on our relationship. I would tell this person about your relationship with your xMM only if you think that he is truly interested in you. I think that its important that people recognize that one is only human and will sometimes take the wrong path. If someone loves you, then they will not judge you and accept that you are who you are based on the life experiences that you have had. Congrats on the single guy!! Great news!
RealityCheck Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Leave the past in the past. JMHO. Totally agree!
Outcast Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I think if someone has made a mistake and regrets it, they should be both honest and forgiven. However if someone had an affair, or multiple affairs, and was unrepentant, then that would be another story.
Author CantCutitOff Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Thanks for the words of wisdom guys... this new situation has definitely been a ray of sunshine, although MM isn't TOTALLY out of the picture. But we've been talking fairly regularly -- including 2+ hours tonight! Who knows if it will amount to anything romantic, but at the very least I'm enjoying becoming closer to this man in a platonic way. I DID try to feel him out a little in the context of another morality-type (non-relationship though) conversation we were having... and he said there that as long as someone could recognize that they had made bad decisions in the past, learned from those decisions, and corrected them, then he could deal with that and appreciate the growth in the person. So thats a good sign in case it ever would come up, right? (don't get me wrong - certainly not anxious to bring it up).
Jessie61 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 CantCut ItOff, Does the fact that you were an OW "once upon a time" prevent you for all eternity from having a good loving relationship with someone else??? Of course not!!! Enjoy it instead!!!! Nobody is perfect, and I am sure that your new "friend" ( ;) ) has done things in his past that he is not proud of. And so what??? The past is the past. Like your new guy says, you learn from it and move on... Should you tell him? I don't know. Sometimes these things develop with time. You have to decide for yourself if you feel comfortable enough with him in due course to tell him. (Like I said, he might have his own "skeletons in the closet" that he might tell you about....) And by his own comments about previous mistakes, he might well be OK with it, IF and when you tell him... But I will say something, get your MM out of the picture immediately! He will not let you develop a relationship with someone else. Once he finds out (or realises that this new R might be serious) he will throw you curved balls about "leaving his W" so that you will get distracted and get your hopes up again. Don't let him do that to you or you will never get rid of him! Also, never mind having an affair in the past, it is entirely different to continue to have MM in your life while you are starting a new R. Your new guy deserves to be "the only kid on YOUR block"! On a more personal note, I am so delighted to see that you HAVE met someone else who might become "the One" for you! I do wish you all the best and I hope that fall madly in love and live happily ever after!!! (Yes, I am a romantic fool underneath it all!!!) We do need to hear about these stories here on LS....
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 he said there that as long as someone could recognize that they had made bad decisions in the past, learned from those decisions, and corrected them, then he could deal with that and appreciate the growth in the person. So thats a good sign in case it ever would come up, right? It could be. Except that until you've actually ended your relationship with the MM, it's still a part of your present and not something you've put behind you in the past. That's were the wording might get tricky should the new guy learn he's been deliberately left out of the loop concerning this one important detail. There might be a lot less explaining to do later on if you find the strength to extricate yourself from the other relationship now. Whether this new friendship develops into something more or not, it would still ultimately be the best decision you could make for yourself in the long run. Good luck with finally moving up and on!
SoleMate Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 But I will say something, get your MM out of the picture immediately! He will not let you develop a relationship with someone else. Once he finds out (or realises that this new R might be serious) he will throw you curved balls about "leaving his W" so that you will get distracted and get your hopes up again. Don't let him do that to you or you will never get rid of him! Great advice! Never understimate the panicked clinginess and manipulation you will get from a MM who is afraid of losing access to his OW. Many men can overlook something in your past...so as other have said, put this in your past starting NOW! Just think...instead of hanging your head down low and whispering, "I am an OW", you can some day (soon I hope) hold your head up high and say "I am an independent woman with a great boyfriend who is for me and only me."
zarathustra Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Great advice! Never understimate the panicked clinginess and manipulation you will get from a MM who is afraid of losing access to his OW. Many men can overlook something in your past...so as other have said, put this in your past starting NOW! Just think...instead of hanging your head down low and whispering, "I am an OW", you can some day (soon I hope) hold your head up high and say "I am an independent woman with a great boyfriend who is for me and only me." I agree with you SoleMate... Put this the MM in your past. He is not your ex right now. You even said that this new man in your life says that people make mistakes and if the lesson is learned then there's nothing to hold against you. But right now, you are in a situation where you are still repeating the same process over and over with your MM. Cut him out of your life. Be proud that you can say that he is your past and continue living your life. Its not easy but it needs to be done. Good luck!
Blind Illusion Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Why should it be a deal-breaker or even this big long discussion with another person. You found yourself in a relationship that was wrong for you & didn't work out. Period. Unless the other party you are now embracing is 14, I am to assume that he was in relationships that were wrong for him as well. Who among us hasn't been in a relationship that wasn't right or good in the long run? Only the particulars differ.
cuddlycuddlebum Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 It would be a dealbreaker for me. Someone willing to be a OM/OW would not have the consideration for others' feelings that is vital in a relationship. I am not into selfish men.
zarathustra Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Why should it be a deal-breaker or even this big long discussion with another person. You found yourself in a relationship that was wrong for you & didn't work out. Period. Unless the other party you are now embracing is 14, I am to assume that he was in relationships that were wrong for him as well. Who among us hasn't been in a relationship that wasn't right or good in the long run? Only the particulars differ. I can't agree with you more on that, BI!!
Author CantCutitOff Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks for the advice guys. I'm lucky enough that the MM (who, some of you may recall, I work with) is going on a 2-week vacation at the end of the week. And I know him - I don't have to worry about him calling or anything like that while he's away. So that'll get him out of my immediate vicinity for awhile. I haven't spoken to him for almost a week now as it is. I guess I'll just see how this new situation with this new person develops... I have a feeling this would be a "dealbreaker" with him at this stage so there's no need to bring it up now. And while he's not 14.. he has a little bit of an unusual relationship history so BI -- while I would normally agree with you 100% -- i don't think i can with this one.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Dead weight. Eventually that's how you're going to have to view this go-nowhere relationship with the married man so that you can finally cut him loose. It's holding you back. Even if he's not implemented tactics to keep you beholding to him (yet); in your own mind (and in the mind of any single available guy you might meet) … this married man has already become a costly liability to your future happiness. And worst of all, it is eroding your sense of self-worth … leaving you to wonder if (because of it) you are even worthy enough to entertain the idea of entering into a new relationship. The saddest part is that it has brought you to a place where you feel the only way you can gain love and acceptance from another man is to hide a part of who you really are. Unfortunately, that will only work in the short-term. If you can't be loved and accepted by someone for ALL of who you are (past and all), then it won't be genuine and therefore may not survive the truth should it ever surface later on. In the end, it will only further erode your confidence and sense of self-worth. For your own good, I hope you find the inner strength to cut loose the dead weight while there is still a shred of yourself left. YOU are absolutely worth it!
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