Guest Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I have a question. Let me state at the onset that I'm here as a "guest" because I'm afraid of some of the responses I may get. If that equates to being a coward then I'll be a coward. Here is the situation. Your husband has been caught in an EA that progressed to a PA. You separate for a time. He begs forgiveness, gets in counseling and tries to "salvage the marriage". Your husband and the OW have had strict NC for six weeks. At the end of the six weeks your husband sends a message through another person to the OW stating... "tell her I love her and I miss her"... In your opinion, is this an honest effort at trying to salvage the marriage?
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 That is breaking the NC rule! He isn't putting in a 100% honest effort if he is still contacting the OW through a friend. He should go to one on one therapy so HE can get rid of his feelings for the OW. As hard as that may be for you to hear, it's obvious that he did have feelings for her, so he needs some time to deal with that aspect of letting go. I'm sure that isn't easy on you at all and I commend you for sticking with it. Make sure he knows you know that he made an attempt to contact the OW and that you know about the message. (How did you find out? Did he tell you or somebody else?) From now on he MUST not contact her at all. Any more stupid moves like that just ruins your initial start in trying to trust him again! The flipside, I'm sure the OW is trying to get on with her life - So for her, NC is important so she can move on with her life. If he is contacting her, it makes her have 'hope' for them to start up the affair or even get her hopes up that he's going to end the marriage. You're not a coward! Even if I know who you are, I wouldn't ever think that of someone. The whole point of posting on LS (or other forums) is to get help, so try not to worry about what others may think or feel - Can't control that anyway.
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 That is breaking the NC rule! He isn't putting in a 100% honest effort if he is still contacting the OW through a friend. He should go to one on one therapy so HE can get rid of his feelings for the OW. As hard as that may be for you to hear, it's obvious that he did have feelings for her, so he needs some time to deal with that aspect of letting go. I'm sure that isn't easy on you at all and I commend you for sticking with it. Make sure he knows you know that he made an attempt to contact the OW and that you know about the message. (How did you find out? Did he tell you or somebody else?) From now on he MUST not contact her at all. Any more stupid moves like that just ruins your initial start in trying to trust him again! The flipside, I'm sure the OW is trying to get on with her life - So for her, NC is important so she can move on with her life. If he is contacting her, it makes her have 'hope' for them to start up the affair or even get her hopes up that he's going to end the marriage. You're not a coward! Even if I know who you are, I wouldn't ever think that of someone. The whole point of posting on LS (or other forums) is to get help, so try not to worry about what others may think or feel - Can't control that anyway. He is going to one on one therapy and MC and has been ever since his wife found out. He went back "he says" because in his view he is a failure if he leaves his children. And...I am the OW, hence, the reason I'm a little afraid to post here. I have very diligently and strictly abided by NC and am an advocate of him trying to salvage his M. The wreckage has been immense. I am doing EVERYTHING I can to go on with my life. I am, however, puzzled by his message to me. He is the one that ended things with me and I am the one that said I completely understood and wished him a very blessed life. I do love this man deeply and respect his decision. I will not contact him in any way even after his message to me--what is there to say anyway? He knew how I felt about him and certainly doesn't need affirmation of that. It set me back in my healing to say the least. My reason for asking about this is because I didn't know if this was a natural course in dealing with recovery. I would think that sending a message like that serves no other purpose than to prove that the reparation isn't going very well.
lovernotafighter Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 being the OW and having been on the other side of the fence as well then after 6 weeks if I didn't hear from my MM then get this message it would appear to me that he is trying to keep hope in my heart that he will return to me...there is no reason for him to send her that message...it's wrong to you and to the ow.
movinon05 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I'm not so sure you are the OW or the W from this post. However, in my situation, the MM instituted his own NC. I never heard a peep for well over a year. Suddenly he's dropping off gifts to me and then more recently, sent a message through a mutual friend. (And I still have not seen him nor spoken to him). Not only did this throw me for a loop after all this time, but it actually angered me more than anything. I've been trying to move on with my life and then this stuff is happening out of nowhere. It really pisses me off that he's doing this. And, yes, it did put a bit of hope back in my mind. NC is NC. Period. It is very necessary for both parties to move on or just to accomplish ending the A. And I don't know about his salvaging the marriage but no, it is not "an honest effort" to his W.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 He probably feels bad and just wants you to know that he's still thinking of you. Don't get your hopes up. The best thing you can do is move on because if you don't, you know you'll be back into the pingpong game of emotions. Also, him sending you that note could also mean he just needs to know "if you love and miss him too" kinda like an ego boost. (don't mean that harshly.)
movinon05 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I'm sorry. I completely missed your second post when I responded. I don't know how that happened. But I was right in thinking you might be the OW. You now know how my situation is similar. And it does sound like the reparation is not going well, but it is a time consuming thing, a work in progress, that perhaps he has still not come to terms with. But don't let that get your hopes up either.
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 My only response is ... what does "I love you and miss you" mean when there is absolutely no action behind it? No, I wasn't tempted to respond. My literal thought was, ok, that and $5.00 will get me a venti non-fat caramel latte. Gee, what a feather in my cap. Then my next 1000 thoughts were to try to analyze exactly what it could mean. What a complete waste of time! I don't think he means to intentionally cause me pain, but I do think that human beings on the whole want to be "wanted" and not forgotten.
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 being the OW and having been on the other side of the fence as well then after 6 weeks if I didn't hear from my MM then get this message it would appear to me that he is trying to keep hope in my heart that he will return to me...there is no reason for him to send her that message...it's wrong to you and to the ow. Do you think six weeks is enough time for him to even know if things will work out? Some have said it takes at least six months to tell--the WS is either still trying very hard or they've reverted back to the status quo. Why in the world would he want to keep hope in my heart?
Chump64 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Here is the situation. Your husband has been caught in an EA that progressed to a PA. You separate for a time. He begs forgiveness, gets in counseling and tries to "salvage the marriage". Your husband and the OW have had strict NC for six weeks. At the end of the six weeks your husband sends a message through another person to the OW stating... "tell her I love her and I miss her"... In your opinion, is this an honest effort at trying to salvage the marriage? It's an honest effort at trying to re-open the door to the OW. It is probably happening at the same time he is making an honest effort to save his marriage. He misses being the cake man and wants his old lifestyle back. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to save his marriage. It just means he hasn't yet grown up to become a man. He wants what he had before. If he wanted only you, he'd leave the wife. And who wouldn't want two women to love him? You've done a good job ignoring his contact. Keep up the good work! I will tell you this, though. If I found out my husband did this (and he is busting his butt to make amends), I think I'd drop kick him.
lovernotafighter Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Do you think six weeks is enough time for him to even know if things will work out? Some have said it takes at least six months to tell--the WS is either still trying very hard or they've reverted back to the status quo. Why in the world would he want to keep hope in my heart? his lifes better with you in it, I'm sure he has feelings for you and would like you there to catch him on the bounce back.
Guest Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I will tell you this, though. If I found out my husband did this (and he is busting his butt to make amends), I think I'd drop kick him. His W has no idea and she would drop kick him as well, but not out of the house. She would punish him and make his life hell, but she would not leave him. The first time it happened she said if this ever happens again, that's it....the second time it happened she said if this ever happens again, I really mean it this time, that's it....this is their third attempt at "salvage and restoration".
Guest Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 his lifes better with you in it, I'm sure he has feelings for you and would like you there to catch him on the bounce back. Doesn't love mean doing anything he can NOT to give me hope since he's made the choice to work on his marriage?? You would think it would thrill me, but what it does is make me sad. I don't want to believe that he may be so selfish that he would string me along in the hopes that I would catch him on the bounce back. At least he didn't contact me himself--I'm not sure I could've handled it.
Chump64 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I think my husband's OW was trying to leave the door open on the last day he spoke to her / established NC. She said, "I still love you," and he (allegedly) said "I know," and left it at that.
Chump64 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Do you think six weeks is enough time for him to even know if things will work out? Some have said it takes at least six months to tell--the WS is either still trying very hard or they've reverted back to the status quo. Why in the world would he want to keep hope in my heart? He wants to keep hope in HIS heart, as well as yours. He wants things back the way they were. He wants two women at his beck and call, two women who will care about him and love him and screw him. And again, who wouldn't? He wants the best of both worlds b/c he is selfish & immature. If you two re-establish a relationship, it will go even further underground and be even more secretive and difficult to maintain, as he'll live in constant fear of his wife kicking his butt out the door this time. And six weeks is not nearly enough time. Six weeks after I confronted my spouse, I had not begun to feel the gamut of emotions and had not worked through much of anything, due to the initial shock (though this may be different for the wayward spouses). Don't fall for it.
Trimmer Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Guest - I think you should register and give yourself a screen name - it's still just as anonymous as you wish it to be, but we get to associate a kind of an identity with you. I don't think you have any reason to think you would be called a coward. Quite the contrary - I think you are showing a great deal of strength and respect. You made a decision and are sticking to it with commitment. He is the one that ended things with me and I am the one that said I completely understood and wished him a very blessed life. I do love this man deeply and respect his decision. I will not contact him in any way even after his message to me--what is there to say anyway? You see, I believe that you "get it." And the fact that he sent the message, you ask what does it mean? It means that he still doesn't get it yet. It was insensitive of him towards you, as he has to realize that it would only make things more difficult for you to move on. But good for you, move on you will. And, if he really is trying to make things work with his marriage, it doesn't sound like he is truly, fully committed to that yet. Put it this way: during this time when they are trying to work on their relationship, rebuild what is broken and build new bonds, what do you think his wife would think if she knew he had sent that message? And the fact that he sent it through an intermediary? Was this so he could, by the 'letter of the law' claim that he has not been in contact with you? If I were the BS in this position, would I consider that the truth, or a lie? I would consider it an intentional deception, at the very least, and a very disrespectful move. Anyway, you won't hear me calling you a coward. Good for you.
Chump64 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Tell your intermediary person that the next time the MM sends you a message, you will call his wife. That might make him shut the hayell up.
sylviaguardian Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 He is a cakeman and he has never grown up enough to leave that mindset behind. He is trying to keep both you and his wife reeled in. To be honest, this man sounds like pure poison.
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