dax8603 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Oh, where to start? I am in love with a mm. We’ve had an emotional thing for almost 2 ½ years and have been physical for about 4 months. I know little on his marriage or how rocky it is other than from phone calls and the few times I’ve seen him with his wife. She is very possessive and controlling along with not the brightest in the world, and I don’t mean to put her down in any way, we all have faults. I know they argue a lot, generally because she is asking for him 24/7 or he’s done something as simple as buying a new food item with out asking first. He’s always been very tender and loving towards me, but he can’t make up his mind and always contradicts himself. He says we could have a future together, but then he says if only he were single things would be different. He never explains any of his statements. He worries constantly about being caught, he’s worried about losing his job since we work together and his wife taking over with their boys (1 and 3.) His boys are his entire world and they seem to be what is holding him to his marriage. I quit being his partner at work to keep his wife from freaking, but she’s starting to piece things together and sometimes I think he’s sabotaging his own marriage so he won’t have to start a divorce. His new partner confronted me on if we were having an affair and when I said yes he couldn’t believe mm won’t leave his wife. MM’s new partner knows more about mm’s wife than I do, but still doesn’t know what he’ll do. I sent mm a letter today saying I need to know where he stands and where I stand in all of this, maybe that was bad. MM is bad about hiding from things and he definitely doesn’t like change and has a giant fear of the unknown. People comment all the time about how similar we are and people think we’re married when they first see us together. I grew up in a house where affairs were common and I know the aftermath, so I feel guilty about this and mm is starting to feel guilty too. He’s unhappy somewhere or he wouldn’t have cheated, but I don’t know what’s wrong. He’s worried too about how people would see us, I’m 18(look about 23 and act 40), he’s 31, he’s been married 8 yrs, we work together, and I’m totally opposite his wife in appearances ( she’s very heavy and not all that attractive.) He’s so afraid of hurting people and I think I just got through to him that there is no easy way out and someone if not everyone will get hurt. We quit seeing each other for 5 weeks and he came back to me. I just don’t know anymore. I know this is a book I’ve wrote, but please any answers from ya’ll would be nice. I can give more info too if needed.
babydoll_mimi Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Ok, I'm in a similar situation b/c my MM is going to be 32 this yr and I'm barely turning 21 this summer. But, I need to know more, like how private he keeps his A w/ you... And, I know we liketo think as ourselves as "grown up" by 16, but how did this EA come about when you were 16? If you tell us details, or at least think to yourself, it might help to know if he just fell for you, or if he was some perv who was hitting on a hot 16 y/o till she became legal enough to f***. Sorry for being so frank, but it's the truth. Also, what's the problem w/ his M. Obviously, there's a problem, otherwise he wouldn't stray, so do you know what it is? How is his W, what type of person is she?
Author dax8603 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 i don't have a real idea of what the problem is with his marriage. I know he and his wife don't really connect, they don't have converations or chat about things. He's a real big history buff and likes to talk about religions etc. I enjoy having converations like that and that's kind of how we started to know each other. I graduated HS at 16 and did an internship at his PD is how we met and we were partners for the last year in the reserve police academy. He has generally always told me what is going on like his wife is nagging or something and I've heard their phone conversations. I think they just got married b/c it seemed right at the time. They don't seem to be right for each other. They married while he was in the marines and now he's been a cop 5 yrs and has changed so much. We've just always gotten along b/c we are so much alike. We finnidh each other's sentences etc
stillhere Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 He says we could have a future together, but then he says if only he were single things would be different. My MM told me this as well. But not in the sense that you are thinking. Before he got married, things probably would have been different, but it wouldn't have been or couldn't have been with you. You were only 10 years old at the time. I'm not taking a stab at his age, my MM is 13 years older than me as well. Anyways, i don't think he is going to leave. Why would he risk everything to be with someone just out of highschool? I know i'm sounding pretty harsh here, but it's the truth. And if he did, are you more than willing to take on the responsibility for 2 kids that aren't yours, and lose what freedom and youth you do have?
Author dax8603 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 i know I may only be 18, but I've already got 2 years of college anlived on my own since I was 15. Yes I am willing to take on the responsibility of children. I already watch them sometimes while he's at work. I've had a miscarriage and aren't able to have kids which makes them even more prescious to me.
movinon05 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Your thread is called "Thoughts on whether he will leave her". There are no guarantees about that. At least half of us (if not more) thought our MM's would leave. They rarely leave. Your MM doesn't know which end is up. He wants one thing then says another. They all do. Yes, you are young. You need to move on and give yourself the chance to find an available guy. If he wants you, he needs to fix things and get out, but MOST men don't. Please don't count on it!
stillhere Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 You've got an awful lot of time invested in this guy, and i can see how hard it would be to just walk away, but you are clearly not happy with the situation, or you wouldn't have gone NC for 5 weeks. IMHO, i do not think he will leave her. He can not tell you that he is going to. If he was willing to leave her for you, he would not be doing this dance with you. He would just do it. Most people don't like change, i'm one of them. My MM is as well. He told me that it's not that he "wouldn't" leave her for me, it's that he "can't". Either way i look at it, the outcome is the same in the end. He "isn't" leaving her for me. I know he's not leaving his W for me, and yet i'm still here, waiting for that little ray of hope. I know he's not going to be mine, but from where i am, i can deal with the pain. At least for right now. Right now, i'd rather hurt while i'm with him, than hurt without him. Someday i will change my mind, i'm too young for this crap. I need to go find someone who will love only me. You should do it as well, but i can understand too if you aren't willing to give him up just yet.
Jessie61 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 He says we could have a future together, but then he says if only he were single things would be different. His boys are his entire world and they seem to be what is holding him to his marriage. .......sometimes I think he’s sabotaging his own marriage so he won’t have to start a divorce. MM ............ definitely doesn’t like change and has a giant fear of the unknown. He’s worried too about how people would see us, I’m 18(look about 23 and act 40), he’s 31, he’s been married 8 yrs, we work together, and I’m totally opposite his wife in appearances ( she’s very heavy and not all that attractive.) He’s so afraid of hurting people and I think I just got through to him that there is no easy way out and someone if not everyone will get hurt. We quit seeing each other for 5 weeks and he came back to me. Dax, I few things popped out when I read your post. To me they spell that he WON'T leave his wife. Certainly no time soon... He says things would be different if he was single. Well, he isn't single so it is completely irrelevant. Wishing he was single, doesn't make him single and he has to face this situation as it is, not as he wished it were. Yes, he could MAKE himself single again, but "sabotaging his own M" is not a guarantee that it would work; it is leaving the control of the situation to his W... She may NEVER start a divorce. It is also a bit cowardly, I think... He doesn't like change and he is worried about how people will look at him (and the two of you as a couple). He doesn't like to hurt people. Those are pretty big obstacles if he is going to leave. All these things are unavoidable if he ever left his W. Again, there is no point wishing things were different. They are not. He also talks about his children. I do appreciate this point. But if he in his own mind had made his kids and you mutually exclusive (ie. ", the kids would be irreparably damaged by a divorce, he could never hurt them, and if he left they would hate him forever" etc..., then he will NOT leave. OK, the fact that he came back to you after 5 weeks of NC is NOT a sign that he would leave his W for you. He probably loves you and he missed you during those 5 weeks etc, but that is all that it means.... I am sorry if this feels like a bucket of ice cold water over your head, especially if you really love him and hope for a future together. I have poured the same bucket of ice cold water over MY head more than once.... I do realise that I could be wrong, and I have to admit that I don't actually know a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g about how this will end. But I strongly believe that you will not find out anytime soon either, unless you impose a policy of strict NC in some shape or form; he has to realise what he is missing and what he will loose (ie. you!) before he will change any of his thought patterns. "Do I really care what my friends think, I am loosing (put in your own name)???" "A change in my life will be a change for the better, because I am now loosing (....)". "I cannot wait for my W to take the initiative, because I am loosing (....)" I think you catch my drift? Having said that, NC is no guarantee that he will leave either. He might stay. But isn't it better that you find out sooner rather than years later, so that you can move on with your life? That is really the only advice I can give you. I also think you should look up Old Europe's posts. They are absolutely brilliant. All of this is difficult and you do have our full support. These situations are never easy. Doing something about it is HARD. Doing nothing is equally HARD. You just have to decide for yourself what is right for YOU.
yesmaybe Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Here is a good way to figure out where he really stands with you - do NC. When a man realizes you don't need him, and you can be happy especially dating other men, they start to reasses everything. Men need almost crises to take action. When I started dating other guys, happily, I was ready to move on with my life. And MM, of course, freaked out. When he asked me to stop seeing these guys and only see him, I was able to tell him, "um...single guy who I'm dating, who is hot and I could be so happy with him...versus you, a married man. If you want me, you gotta start the road to divorce." He had no choice but to do so if he wanted me. Point is, NC is a great way to weed out cake men from the men who are truly in love but are scared, weak but truly want to be with you. Once you've established where they stand, then you can take the next steps.
RealityCheck Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Here is a good way to figure out where he really stands with you - do NC. When a man realizes you don't need him, and you can be happy especially dating other men, they start to reasses everything. Men need almost crises to take action. When I started dating other guys, happily, I was ready to move on with my life. And MM, of course, freaked out. When he asked me to stop seeing these guys and only see him, I was able to tell him, "um...single guy who I'm dating, who is hot and I could be so happy with him...versus you, a married man. If you want me, you gotta start the road to divorce." He had no choice but to do so if he wanted me. Point is, NC is a great way to weed out cake men from the men who are truly in love but are scared, weak but truly want to be with you. Once you've established where they stand, then you can take the next steps. Agreed with this post! It can happen, most times NOT! NC is indeed the way to finding out exactly where you stand in his life.
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