dax8603 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Oh, where to start? I am in love with a mm. We’ve had an emotional thing for almost 2 ½ years and have been physical for about 4 months. I know little on his marriage or how rocky it is other than from phone calls and the few times I’ve seen him with his wife. She is very possessive and controlling along with not the brightest in the world, and I don’t mean to put her down in any way, we all have faults. I know they argue a lot, generally because she is asking for him 24/7 or he’s done something as simple as buying a new food item with out asking first. He’s always been very tender and loving towards me, but he can’t make up his mind and always contradicts himself. He says we could have a future together, but then he says if only he were single things would be different. He never explains any of his statements. He worries constantly about being caught, he’s worried about losing his job since we work together and his wife taking over with their boys (1 and 3.) His boys are his entire world and they seem to be what is holding him to his marriage. I quit being his partner at work to keep his wife from freaking, but she’s starting to piece things together and sometimes I think he’s sabotaging his own marriage so he won’t have to start a divorce. His new partner confronted me on if we were having an affair and when I said yes he couldn’t believe mm won’t leave his wife. MM’s new partner knows more about mm’s wife than I do, but still doesn’t know what he’ll do. I sent mm a letter today saying I need to know where he stands and where I stand in all of this, maybe that was bad. MM is bad about hiding from things and he definitely doesn’t like change and has a giant fear of the unknown. People comment all the time about how similar we are and people think we’re married when they first see us together. I grew up in a house where affairs were common and I know the aftermath, so I feel guilty about this and mm is starting to feel guilty too. He’s unhappy somewhere or he wouldn’t have cheated, but I don’t know what’s wrong. He’s worried too about how people would see us, I’m 18(look about 23 and act 40), he’s 31, he’s been married 8 yrs, we work together, and I’m totally opposite his wife in appearances ( she’s very heavy and not all that attractive.) He’s so afraid of hurting people and I think I just got through to him that there is no easy way out and someone if not everyone will get hurt. We quit seeing each other for 5 weeks and he came back to me. I just don’t know anymore. I know this is a book I’ve wrote, but please any answers from ya’ll would be nice. I can give more info too if needed.
Toranaga Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Difficult to say for sure but I'd venture to say he'll probably not leave her if he thinks he would lose his kids in the process. If he is a good father, he will do anything to stay with them. Of course I am only guessing. What do you want from this relationship? Is it the same thing he wants?
AManWithTroubles Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Lucky man. Ha, jk. Hey, you won't be 18 forever either. I say stay away, and let him decide on his marriage without an outside influence. If you have an ounce of decency in you, respect their marriage. Stay away. If he leaves his wife, then he is available, but not until then. Got it?
Trimmer Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 As you point out, given the path you've travelled down, pretty much everyone is going to get hurt one way or another. Some people would look at that situation and say, "well, then, I'd better take what I can for myself." Other people would look at it and say "well, then, I'd better do the right thing." Which person are you? Incidentally, strictly from the perspective of your own self-interest, I would point out to you that you haven't really described very much that attracts you to this man, but you sure have displayed a bunch of red flags about getting involved with him long term. he can’t make up his mind and always contradicts himself.... He never explains any of his statements.... sometimes I think he’s sabotaging his own marriage so he won’t have to start a divorce.... MM is bad about hiding from things and he definitely doesn’t like change and has a giant fear of the unknown. And the big one for me: he's been involved with you for 2-1/2 years, and he's just now "starting" to feel guilty? Are you ready to commit long-term to a guy with these characteristics? How much weight will it carry if he finally says that he will commit his life to you? But no, with you, he'll be different, right? Once you two are together, he will change, right? Your post makes you sound like a fairly passive participant in this affair. You haven't said what, if anything, you are asking him for... Your letter to him asked for his opinion on where he stands and where you stand, but you haven't told us what you want. Are you pretty much a passive actor here, accepting what you can get from him, waiting for him to decide what to do, and wondering what will happen? Just like he doesn't want to take action within his marriage out of fear, are you afraid to take a stand in this affair, also out of fear? Letting things "just happen" as they will? Are you afraid that taking a stand would eventually lead you to question yourself as to what is right and what is wrong? What behavior you expect of yourself? What you can live with? Have you asked yourself these questions? How did you come to the decision not to see each other for 5 weeks? Who initiated this idea? Sorry, I know you didn't ask for all of this soul searching - your real question was "will he leave her?" My money is on "no", but even if he does, doesn't this just look like a train wreck waiting to happen? Do you have any hope that his leaving her would actually be a good thing for you? You're 18, and I don't mean this in an unkind way, but, is this the first time a man has shown you significant romantic attention? Wait a minute - you said you've been emotionally involved for 2-1/2 years? So he started an "emotional thing" with you when his first child was in diapers, and you were 15 or 16? Oh man, if you really do "look about 23 and act 40", then I think it would benefit you to start "thinking 40": someone with that perspective and experience would really take a step back, have an objective look at the situation, and ask (and then answer herself honestly) if you are headed for a big wipeout here... Oh, I could go on and on, but I'd better just end it here. (Hmmm, maybe you should consider saying that about this affair...)
Author dax8603 Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 i have thought about how a life would be with him if he left her. I've thought about if he would cheat again or something of that nature. I've thought about what it would be like to take care of his boys and run a house hold. I've lived on my own for the last 3 yrs with out family help or anything. I got into college two years ago and no he's not my first serious relationship. He is the first person I've ever been able to completely open up to and feel connected enough to not really worry. The problem is now I'm so connected I fear I'll do something and lose him. I know that is very bad and I'm working on it. In the letters I sent to him they basically state my feelings/needs/wants and that he needs to let me know how he feels on all of this and if he's willing to leave her or not. He's suposed to get the letters tonight actually, so until then I'm scared to death on how he'll react.
lovernotafighter Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 don't be afraid of how he will react..you have every right to have some desire to be more happy with your relationship and he should be aware of it, however if he reacts badly if will certainly have to make you think differently on how to proceed with your relationship with MM. I wish you luck
RealityCheck Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 i have thought about how a life would be with him if he left her. I've thought about if he would cheat again or something of that nature. I've thought about what it would be like to take care of his boys and run a house hold. I've lived on my own for the last 3 yrs with out family help or anything. I got into college two years ago and no he's not my first serious relationship. He is the first person I've ever been able to completely open up to and feel connected enough to not really worry. The problem is now I'm so connected I fear I'll do something and lose him. I know that is very bad and I'm working on it. In the letters I sent to him they basically state my feelings/needs/wants and that he needs to let me know how he feels on all of this and if he's willing to leave her or not. He's suposed to get the letters tonight actually, so until then I'm scared to death on how he'll react. Any person worth loosing, is definately not worth having. As a Mother, I do question motives behind a grown man who has an interest in a teenager.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 To be honest, if he really loved you and thought it would work out, he would leave his wife. A man who falls deeply inlove with someone else while still married, WILL leave. He is telling you in his own way that he isn't going to leave. If you two had met when he was single, I'm sure you'd two would be together. But, that didn't happen! The timing is all wrong...He's married and has kids. Built a life already with someone. So, in one sense, it's not fair to try to take him away from his family and in the other sense he's an idiot for having an affair and leading you on... I know you probably won't, but the best outcome here would be for you to break up with him and make your own life with someone single and special who will love ONLY you.
crazy_grl Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Here's the thing. All 18 years old think they're wiser and more mature than they really are. I don't doubt that you're more mature than the average 18 year old. You certainly sound like you are, but don't fool yourself into thinking that because you're more level headed than most your age that you're not making a horrible mistake and being taken advantage of by someone who's got much more experience at this than you. You have so much to look forward to in your life. Why do you want to get tangled up with a married man and potentially ruin all that with the drama that's going to come if/when your relationship becomes public? Why do you want him to leave his wife? Are you hoping to marry him? Also I find it deeply disturbing that a 31 year old man, much less a married one, would be taking an interest in a 15-16 year old. Please be careful and don't believe everything this MM tells you. I suggest you read some of the threads in this section if you haven't yet. Edit: Oh yeah, I forgot to answer the main question. No, I don't believe he'll leave her. Men often use the children as an excuse, but if they separated, he would be able to have joint custody. People stay in relationships because there's something there that they want/need, even if it's not healthy for them.
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