vickithewestielover Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I am trying to make sense of what has happened to me in the last two days, not to mention the last two years. I have had a man I met through my brother in law living with me for about two years. We have been talking about marriage next year. He had a lot of physical pain from injuries he sustained in Vietnam when he stepped on a land mine, and a big scar on his chest from being shot there. Then there was the steel in his right leg from falling through a roof during a fire (he was a volunteer firefighter, so the story fit). He had an anger control problem but I chalked it up to PTSD from Vietnam and he said he was going to therapy. 2 days ago, I found out through another sister in law, that he was never even in Vietnam. In fact, he had been in prison twice, once for armed robbery, again for 13 years for rape, kidnapping, binding to commit a crime, indecent liberties, and assault with a weapon with intent to kill. During the time he was supposedly in the Marines and in Vietnam. then the whole situation unraveled. I found out that just about everything he had told me about his past and current life were lies. He would lie for no apparent reason that I could see about ridiculous things. He created this huge ex-Marine, firefighter persona, working as an EMT, owning his own company, seemed like a hard worker to me..... I am in pain, shock, and ANGRY at myself that I did not see this. Vicki
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 In your mind, why would he lie? Don't blame yourself! He is a narcissist, and a compulsive liar. Some of those types are good and take a long time to be caught/figured out. I only wish you'd known the truth 2 years ago so you wouldn't be in so much confusion, anger and pain. Dump his ass and move on, don't look back.
crazy_grl Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Wow. That's serious stuff. The kinda thing that makes you consider doing a background check on everyone you date. Don't beat yourself up over it, and don't be angry at yourself, be angry at the person who lied to you. Have you done any checks to make sure what the sister in law told you was accurate? You said he's living with you right? If I were you I'd kick him out, but I'd make sure I had someone there with me for protection (like the police if possible) when I did it and make him move his things out right then. If he's prone to violence in the past you don't know what he'll do when confronted. I'd also look into what it takes to get a restraigning order. (From what I know, I don't think you can get one unless someone has threatened you though.) Or if you don't have to stay at the place you live, I'd pack up all my things while he was out and move without telling him where I was going. I'd just leave a not telling him why I left. He doesn't deserve anything more than that.
Author vickithewestielover Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 I thoroughly checked everything out. After all, isn't that one of the first stages of grief ??? To deny that it is happening. I called the prison system in Connecticut. Verified, couldn't get details about the incidents. Talked to the parole system here in Dallas, verified that he was on parole here. talked to his ex-wife, who it turned out met him through correspondence WHILE he was in prison. All the rest about the Marines, firefighter, etc, etc, the ex-wife told me and he later confirmed....except, he STILL has the strange compulsion to say he was injured in Vietnam to me, after he knows that I know the truth. What diagnosis is there for this??? paranoid schizophrenic? sociopath? con man? a**h***? He is out of the house. I have told him that if he does anything to me, my family, my dogs, my car,my neighbor (who he hated), anybody in my life, I would call the police and I will let everyone in his world know the truth about him. I did not get a restraining order as of yet. I did have the locks changed. But mostly, I feel drained and very sad about the whole thing.
BeFree Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I am so sorry this has happened to you. But I am proud of you for your actions to protect yourself since you uncovered this. I do think you should move forward with the restraint order. Now that you have protected yourself, you will need to go through the grieving process. Know that this is NOT your fault. Also, be glad that you found out before you married him. Take a lot of time for yourself, read up on others who have had this happen before. Good luck and I wish you the best.
j.carsey Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 again for 13 years for rape, kidnapping Run, don't walk away. Especially if he has ever tried to do anything violent or forceful to you. Count your lucky stars you found out right now. You are lucky
Stunner Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Don't blame yourself! I had a very similar experience but he wasn't a convict...he said his wife and son were dead (they weren't)...said he still worked for the military (didn't)...then after I dumped him and went personally to apologize to his very much alive wife (she was wonderful, BTW) two years later he tried to keep me in his life for whatever scraps I would throw by saying he had cancer...he went so far as to lose weight and shave off his body hair....(sociopath, I think is what they call this). Cut him off, get rid of him like dead weight....and move on quickly...this guy was nothing more than smoke and mirrors! You did the right thing...I wouldn't even give it the effort to look up any more information about him..just be careful, watch your back and consider yourself lucky you found out now rather than later. Big hugs, sista...I know exactly what you are going through!
Author vickithewestielover Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 to BEFREE... I am not sure how I would find out about how this may have happened to other women....do ex-cons do this on a regular basis ???? I went to my first CODA meeting last night. If I had trusted my intuition, my gut was constantly telling me to get away from this man but I would always rationalize his behavior as being from Vietnam and so injured there. I thought it was my responsibility (I was a social worker for over 20 years) to be patient and guide him to therapy that I KNEW would help him. This has been such a wake up call and I think it is time to work on my codependent behavior that allowed me to get into this potentially dangerous situation. Now, I had the locks changed. He hasn't physically ever done anything to me except grab my coat and my wrist once when he was trying to talk me into letting him back in after an arguement. I'm not sure if I would be granted a restraining order, although I know that I AM fearful he will figure out a way to get into the house.I really do not want to destroy him and his career...he really IS an EMT(one of the few truthful things he told me)...I just want him to stay away from me and my family.
misslady7 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Oh my God I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can imagine the hurt and pain you are feeling right now. Please get the restraining order, and make sure you be careful. Keep us posted and let us know that you are ok. This is so crazy, why would someone want to lie like that. Although the truth hurts it's better to know the truth than to find out someone was lying. Please be careful out there.
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