AJ8 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I am 30...she is 26. We had been dating for 9 months and everything had been going great. We were close, got along very well, had so much in common and enjoyed each other's company very much. While neither of us had reached the "in love" stage, we cared about each other very much. Halfway through the relationship, she decided to return to school which I supported her 100% on this decision. Once school began, it took up alot of the time we use to be able to spend together. Due to demands with school and her career, it began to stress her out very much. While it was tough to watch, I was always there to encourage her and help her in any way I could. Many times volunteering to give up time we were suppose to spend together so she could concentrate on her school work or career. As time passed, I soon began to notice that our relationship was no longer a priority in her eyes. She became very distant and the encouragement and support I would give her was now frustrating her. As a result, I decided to back away (not walk away) and give her some space. A couple of weeks later, she told me that she no longer wanted a relationship and wanted to just be friends. I took this news very hard. Not only was I now not a priority to her, this relationship was not important to her enough for us to make it through this together. Every decision I made was to support her as I knew what her career and getting this degree meant to her. For some reason, everything that I had done that was meant to be postive and done with the best of intentions was taken to be totally negative in her eyes. As a result, I walked away and left everything in God's hands. I did not contact her for 2 months. During this time, I decided to move on with my life. I slowly got over the sadness and dissapointment and began dating again. Interesting enough, she got word that I was dating and contacted me. We decided to meet to talk. I told her that I knew the decision that she made was not the right one but that I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her realize that. I told her she would have to realize that on her own. She seemed confused but continue to say that she just did not want a relationship at this point in her life and that she was happy. I did not beg and did not make any attempt to get her back nor will I. I know we should be together but for some reason, she does not see that. I told her that I would always be here for her but that I was moving on with my life as there is a chance she may never see what a good thing she had....what we both had. I am continuing to date, have fun and pray for my ex daily. I still do no plan to contact her as all it would do is push her further away. It hurts to know that someone could sacrifice so much, support someone so much, treat someone so well to have them give up on that. I am confused. Can anyone help me see this different and make me understand? What should I do now? Thanks in advance for helping me! Andrew
Pink Amulet Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 These women that you are dating have some stiff competition. God can not give us what we deserve if there is something else in the way. You need to focus on finding a new love, a new relationship. Otherwise, you may be so concerned with 'hoping your ex will see the light and even 'moving on' from your ex that you might miss what is standing right in front of you.
Author AJ8 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks.....at this point, I am just really trying to understand how she could walk away from this and so easily as I am totally confused. Do you feel she totally lost interest in me or is it the events in her life that are more important than anything I can offer? It also scares me wondering if I treat her so well and I am treated this way in return, how could I honestly ever make her happy? I just don't want to have to go through this again with her or anyone. It hurt too much.
gfto Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Do you feel she totally lost interest in me or is it the events in her life that are more important than anything I can offer? She lost interest. The woman's interest level cuts through everything, including being very busy with school. My girlfriend is swamped with school work, but everything is great. I seriously doubt your ex's school work had anything to do with your breakup.
Pink Amulet Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I am only just recovering from a painful episode of cancer, assualt, losing my job, as well as the first year of my double degree. I needed my boyfriend more than ever, I know some people are different. Some people pull away in stressful times, but they are the minority. Most people turn to those who love them for support and comfort. From my perspective, it seems she has lost interest. Fallen out of love for whatever reason. Perhaps she has met new people who have made her feel as though you were dragging her down. I know you were being supportive, but maybe too supportive, and not tough enough. Nothing turns women off more than a overlly sensitive and seemingly weak man. Maybe her feelings for you just began to fade. Maybe she has been given hope that she can 'do better'. I don't think she will though. You sound just perfect to me! Whatever the case you need to delete her from your life radar (a concept I just created as I was typing ) and start focusing on the new prospectives in your life. You were never meant to be with someone who walked away.
Bloke Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 It hurts to know that someone could sacrifice so much, support someone so much, treat someone so well to have them give up on that. I am confused. Can anyone help me see this different and make me understand? What should I do now? Thanks in advance for helping me! Andrew I empathise with you. My 'girlfriend' (25) definitely does not view me as a priority, and I just learned that the hard way. Luckily I'm not so invested in this relationship, so its not so painful, although we had known each other closely for a while. I put it down to her being a selfish bitch and me just being me. I will always invest time (and other things) in relationships but if it isn't reciprocated, I'll back off and exit. Best wishes, Bloke from the UK
Author AJ8 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks to all for the help and support!! I can tell you the people that know us best thing she is crazy and feel when things slow down for her, she will realize what a great thing she has given up. Problem is, I am not sure I could walk back in that ennvironment. A lot of people have noticed a change in her since the stress level has risen. She perceived me as not being supportive when I backed away to give her space when whatever I tried to do was frustrating her. Deep down, she really is a good person but I never saw this coming. Thanks for at least helping understand why this may have happened. Not sure there was anything I could have done different but happy to know there is someone out there that will appreciate what I have to give.
daphne Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 You were never meant to be with someone who walked away. So so true. PA, I hope you're doing better. That's an awful lot of crap to deal with altogether.
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Sorry to be so harsh, but basically she is too immature for you. Honestly, I've been there. You two are simply at different points in your life. One day, she will grow up and at that point she's gonna regret it. But that point is too far away for you to sacrifice your happiness. I dateda girla few years younger than me, put up wiht all her I'm young crap only to get ditched cause she needed her selfish space. Use this opportunity to see if perhaps you want a woman, and not a girl. Don't settle for being a set of training wheels, find someone who isn't selfish and knows what they want.
RealBroken Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 So....... do these nice guys that lose out all the time because they "appear weak"....... eventually in older years do better. Or is the nice guy thing OUT for everyone? By nature, im a nurturer, and I treat my women well. I like to see them smile. I understand this is working against me....... they'd rather have an arse. Should I change???
Author AJ8 Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 For what it is worth RB, I don't feel I am the one with the problem. I am being myself....that is who I am. If supporting, encouraging, being understanding, caring, etc, etc is viewed as being a negative or is viewed as being weak, so be it. To me, that is not a problem. Those are characteristics that any partner deserves. Being controling, abusive (mentally, physically, verbally, emotionally, etc), insensitive, etc is a problem. If I felt I had a problem that needed attention, I would be open to change but to have characteristics as I do, I would only be lowering myself as a person. Surely there is a lady out there that appreciates such characteristics. If not, I will always be alone. RB, just be yourself.
Guest Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I got a similar response from my partner AFTER he finished all his schooling (2 post graduate degrees) I was too supportive; too nurturing; too helpful; too understanding..he said I gave too much....oops sorry...so he left me for some woman at work that wasn't into relationships...I don't think it is an immature thing (he is 36)..I think some people are just plain selfish --sorry a bit bitter this evening
RealBroken Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hmmmm, I sometimes wonder if its a guilt thing. My girlfriend/ex would feel guilty and get upset claiming she was a bad girlfriend and can she give me what i deserve. She'd get quite emotional if i just wanted to talk about something i wasnt happy with. Always tried to be gentle, but boom she'd get crying and say "why are you even with me" Maybe she felt I gave her too much love and she felt bad for not being able to "return that". She always said she was "in love" and wanted to spend her life with me because i was perfect for her........ maybe it was too much in the end. Could have been the age gap i guess. She was only 21, im 27
RealBroken Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 BUT!......... At the same time i would often feel guilty because she was so good to me. But really i loved it. She was very motherly. Always wanted to cook etc. i would try to pitch in and help but i would get demanded to sit down. She'd always jump out of bed in the morning and make breakfast in bed etc. I would try but she always insisted,.... she enjoyed it. But it was never something i'd LEAVE HER FOR!!!! Ha ha quite the opposite. oh I will never find a girl that will do that again. ha ha. She was special indeed.
Author AJ8 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 That is exactly the same thing I went through RB. She would feel/feels guilty and would get upset claiming she was a bad girlfriend and can't she give me what i deserved. That I deserved to be happy. Gee, I was happy and she walked away thinking it would make me happy???? Hello? I don't feel she could not give me what I deserved but that she would not give me what I deserved. It all boiled down to priorities and for some reason I was not one. She would get quite emotional/frustrated if i just wanted to talk about something that was bothering me. I was always understanding and supportive. I just don't understand why she would contact me when she found out I was dating again only to tell me that she does not want a relationship and only wants to be friends. She tried to convince me of that but you could clearly see there were doubts and confusion. I told her I would always be there for her and that if it is a friend she wants, that is what I will be.......however, I am back on NC and we have not talked in a week. I probably will never understand.
Recommended Posts