What women want

[j.carsey]

Wow... sometimes I just can't win.

 

On one hand there are a whole bunch of girls out there who just want attention (no matter their age... teenager or 30s, even older?). Some women just crave having guys chasing after them, makes them feel so attractive and pretty and desirable. They might tease men sexually and everything, even guys who they have no interest in. It's insanity!

 

Alternatively I run into mature women who know that just seeking attention gets you nowhere, they are no-nonsense. Now they like me but see me as the kind of guy they would want to settle down with ONCE they are ready to commit to something like that, but they aren't yet of course. Because often they just want to have fun and refuse to believe I'm as shallow as I claim

 

So I get jerked around by attention whores who have no interest in me, then I get jerked around by non-nonsense women who actually are attracted to me on several levels (physically, intellectually) because for some reason I'm not on the same page as them. Or they're too afraid to do something they want.

 

By the end of it I've been jerked around a ton but I just can't grasp WHAT women want. Dammit if you aren't attracted to me don't waste my time find a guy you are attracted to. If you are attracted to me just stop overanalyzing and hesitating so much, let's have a good time and take it one day at a time.

 

More than once, I've been heavily flirting with someone and there is a mutual major attraction. They stop me in my tracks. "You really don't want me to?" I ask. "Stop", they tell me. Then later on I hear "you really shouldn't have stopped, that was so hot... I totally hook up with other guys who have me in that situaton"

 

Anyone know what I mean or is this some kind of a curse I carry?

[j.carsey]

More than once, I've been heavily flirting with someone and there is a mutual major attraction. They stop me in my tracks. "You really don't want me to?" I ask. "Stop", they tell me. Then later on I hear "you really shouldn't have stopped, that was so hot... I totally hook up with other guys who have me in that situaton"

 

By the way I'm not even paraphrasing, this exact thing happened to me last night. With a girl I've been flirting with for months, I crept into her bed in the middle of the night (complicated logistics, suffice to say I took some major risks getting in there). She didn't kick me out, asked me to stay. And than exactly this conversation took place.

 

Can somebody please tell me, why she would say to me "I totally hook up with other guys in that situation" but not ME. She has told me she desires me. Am I just forming too close a bond with a girl who really wants to be more casual? Is she afraid of crossing a line into 'seriousness'?

[Stunner]

You sound like my disappearing potential boyfriend...almost word for word...are you SURE you are in Canada?! Wants to take it one day and a time, let's me lead sexually so he's not 'inconsiderate guy' or 'pushy guy' then when he gets what he wants...someone who wants to take it day by day and enjoy ourselves he pulls a friggin' Houdini! Everyone else wants to marry me. I can't seem to win.

 

I can only speak for myself. I want what you want...most other women I know either seem desperate to me or immature. I can be pretty judgemental when it comes to my own sex....sometimes I am embarassed by being in their ranks. The users really get to me.

 

I think there is always a grey area...that mysterious in between realm where the intangible feelings meets erotica. Something along those lines. I think that is where some women get confused. The old 'good girl' syndrome. Too soon/ no stop/ no go/ gee I really liked that but now I feel guilty.

 

I think I'm a little different here. When the moment came at dinner with my Houdini he flat out said it would be up to me to 'take it to the next level'....perfect opening...so I did! I knew what I wanted, knew he wanted it and we had already agreed we weren't going to rush things...as in labeling or defining...just see what happens. What more could we both want, right?

 

Then, I haven't heard his voice in fourteen days. What is that about?

 

I get jerked around too. Your points ALL make perfect sense to me...define what you want and go seek it. If it doesn't fit don't TRY to make it fit...move on. Then when people like you and I find what we want why does the OTHER change their mind or 'get scared'. Who the hell loses interest when they find what they want?! Gorgeous woman who wants a non-committed sexual relationship? Self sufficient, funny, smart blah blah blah....and then whammo...disappear. *blink, blink*

 

It's maddening.....I don't know if any of this rubbish helped you....I think we all carry the curse!

 

Let me know if you are able to find some magic solution, voodoo, whatever!

[Sapiens]

By the way I'm not even paraphrasing, this exact thing happened to me last night. With a girl I've been flirting with for months, I crept into her bed in the middle of the night (complicated logistics, suffice to say I took some major risks getting in there). She didn't kick me out, asked me to stay. And than exactly this conversation took place.

 

Can somebody please tell me, why she would say to me "I totally hook up with other guys in that situation" but not ME. She has told me she desires me. Am I just forming too close a bond with a girl who really wants to be more casual? Is she afraid of crossing a line into 'seriousness'?

 

 

I will tell you something that will get me flamed but here goes anyways.

 

Don't worry about what they want, worry about what you want.

 

You lead, they follow. It is as simple as that.

 

If you are making out and she tells you to stop, then look at her in the eye and say, "If you want me to stop, get up an leave." If she doesn't get up and leave, take that as your cue.

 

I have never had a woman get up and leave.

 

-Sapiens

[johan]

Alternatively I run into mature women who know that just seeking attention gets you nowhere, they are no-nonsense. Now they like me but see me as the kind of guy they would want to settle down with ONCE they are ready to commit to something like that, but they aren't yet of course. Because often they just want to have fun and refuse to believe I'm as shallow as I claim

 

What Sapiens said is ok if you want to act like that. I've done that a few times, but it doesn't fit every situation. Blatant arrogance has it's good points, but if you don't have what it takes to back it up, you risk looking like a serious ass. I sometimes have what it takes, but otherwise I don't try it if I don't really mean it.

 

Regarding what I quoted: that's bunk. Any decent woman will beg to settle down when she finds a guy who makes her feel "that way" whatever that is. "Not ready to settle down" is a myth. It's not a comment on you, it's just that that's an easy thing to say. Those women dig the attention as much as the others or they wouldn't even bother spending time with someone they weren't serious about.

 

I think the best way to take this is to quit trying to be serious yourself. Of course it's what you want. But take it from a woman who offers it to you. Don't try to extract it from a woman who doesn't. Just figure if she wants you, she'll make it crystal clear to you. If she isn't making it clear, then she doesn't want you.

[j.carsey]

Sapiens, I hear you. But you have to be very careful and I was very confused, so I aired on the side of caution.

 

She invites me into HER BED and talks dirty but says she will scream if I touch her. I ask if I should leave, she says no please stay. But the screaming thing... well my intention isn't to come in here and rape my friend. Now when she says she'll scream, is she serious or is this all a part of the fantasy and dirty talk. Without a doubt, there is an element of fantasy in here and she told me she fantasizes about rape. She also said this exact situation with a friend coming in uninvited happened before and she really enjoyed it (that guy did not ask for permission, from what I understand)

 

When very confused like this, I would rather be safe than sorry. Our resident feminist will like this, what I learned from the feminists at university is to always ask for permission. "MAY I touch you, dear?" She says no, so I don't.

 

I'm curious about other comments from women, about this kind of situation. What I'm pretty sure most women would say is of course you have to ask permission like that, while some secretly wish a guy would just take her in that situation. Or am I totally wrong about the permission thing when there are mixed messages, am I being a pussy?

[Tim'sAngel]

Sapiens, I hear you. But you have to be very careful and I was very confused, so I aired on the side of caution.

 

She tells me to stay IN HER BED and talk dirty but says she will scream if I touch her. Well my intention isn't to come in here and rape my friend. Now when she says she'll scream, is she serious or is this all a part of the fantasy and dirty talk. Without a doubt, there is an element of fantasy in here and she told me she fantasies about rape. She was totally sober by the way, that was never an issue.

 

Ok, first of all, this chic you are describing here sounds seriously psychotic. And BTW, if you just snuck in my bed, unless we were seeing each other and becoming a couple, I'd kick your ass out. For me at least, it is about respect. If I feel like you actually respect me as a women, then I'll be more likely to want you. If I feel disrespected as a women, you might as well hang it up and sow my pussy with a needle and thread because your not getting any.

 

When very confused like this, I would rather be safe than sorry. Our resident feminist will like this, what I learned from the feminists at university is to always ask for permission. "MAY I touch you, dear?" She says no, so I don't.

 

If you asked me "May I touch you, dear?" I'd laugh so hard I'd cry. It is about mutual feelings. You should know by that point whether or not a women truely wants you and if you don't, you sure as hell shouldn't be in her bed. How old are you? What age of women are you dating? It sounds to me like the women you are dating are not very compatible with you. Maybe I'm a rare breed, but I can tell within minutes of talking to a man if I will be compatible with him or not. Maybe that is just a women's intuition, but if I don't feel I am, I will politely walk away because I am wasting both of our time.

 

I've never had a man ask me "TA, May I please take your clothes off and bang you until your body is numb", and hope I will never have to hear that. Again, it isn't about asking permission, it is about a mutual understanding. At least in mature women, she will let you know by her body language and words that she is ready to take things to another level. I don't know about silly little high school girls, I'm sure it is a different story. Like a previous poster stated, be yourself. You can't try to act like something you are not and expect to find the right women for you.

 

I was unclear while reading your post if you are looking for a relationship or just sex.

[j.carsey]

If you asked me "May I touch you' date=' dear?" I'd laugh so hard I'd cry.[/quote']

 

That's good to know, thanks This isn't the first time the feminists have made a fool out of me. "Sex education" was even worse, what a load of bulls*** that was.

 

It is about mutual feelings. You should know by that point whether or not a women truely wants you and if you don't, you sure as hell shouldn't be in her bed.

 

We're not dating, just have been flirting plus a lot of explicit talk. What can I say I wanted to try something risky. But you're right this is an abnormal situation, normally I would have a better sense of if she wants me.

 

I'm in my early 20s and somewhat inexperienced, started dating late and definitely still don't get many things. Nearly all the women I'm dating or flirting with are a bit older than me, say mid-late 20s.

 

I was unclear while reading your post if you are looking for a relationship or just sex.

 

In this case, sex. I really wanted to fool around with her and she knows that.

[amerikajin]

So I get jerked around by attention whores who have no interest in me, then I get jerked around by non-nonsense women who actually are attracted to me on several levels (physically, intellectually) because for some reason I'm not on the same page as them. Or they're too afraid to do something they want.

 

Women do and say things in a relationship based on how they feel at any given point in time. They can't help it, it's just nature.

 

In the early stages of a relationship, a woman is in control - you are completely at her mercy. She is the one who makes the decisions as to whether or not the relationship will go any further than where it stands now. Until she starts developing feelings for you, it's nothing more than just passing attraction, and that can come and go.

 

It seems to me like you keep getting stuck at this point - you get some attention but nothing develops beyond that.

 

The way you develop those feelings is by simply allowing them to develop on their own.

 

Understand interest level and the signs of interest - know what to look for. If she just smiles and says you're a nice guy, that's not enough to go on. If she smiles, touches you, laughs at your humor and suggests getting together in the future, you're in - don't wait a moment to get the digits.

 

Trust - This is paramount in the beginning. Act like you are having a good time around her, but that you otherwise don't really seem too concerned about whether or not you get laid - in fact, NEVER bring up the topic of sex until she does. Doing that allows her to let her guard down, and make her feel safe around you. You build trust.

 

Interest - Obviously if there's a spark there's at least some interest in the beginning. But it's a marathon, not a dash. You've got to keep building that interest, making things more interesting. One good technique is simply to let her do all the talking - and be sure to be doing the LISTENING! I mean really listen not just nodding at what she says. She'll test you later. Fail it, and you might be done. A lot of guys screw up on this part, so be different in this regard.

 

Now, here's where it really gets tough -- you build some interest, maybe even start making out with her a few times or even have sex once or twice by that point. She might still have some reservations about whether to commit to you. At this point, you need to be a little more disciplined than the average guy.

 

1. Lay down the law - by this point, probably toward the end of the first month (give or take a week or two) she will test you in some way, and many times it can be by accident although she will always remember how you respond, accident or not, and her future behavior will depend a lot upon how you measure up on this test. She might be late - like really late. She may cancel a date altogether. She may insult you or how you look. She may just be an outright b!tch on a date. Point is, you've got to take command and let her know that you're not the one to be messed with. You're a nice guy and all, but you're not gonna take any s*** from the likes of her, and if she can't handle that, she's gotta find someone else. One word of warning: you have to actually mean it and stick to your guns on this one. Don't be afraid to let her know the score, and if she can't deal with it, let her go.

 

2. Communicate with actions and control your emotions - When she lays her emotional baggage on your doorstep, you should control your emotions. If she's just being insecure and is anxious about something, listen to her and reassure her that you're there for her. But if she's starting to push you around in the relationship, push right back - just be sure to do it in a way that makes you look like you're in control. By that I mean that you SHOULD start pulling back a little bit in the relationship, making her understand that at any time you could actually leave her if she doesn't treat you with respect. That does NOT mean ignore her, but it means giving yourself space and letting her know that you will only reward her with time together if she treats you with respect. At least initially, I would do this rather than talking about your problems with her. I would NOT complain or lecture about what it is you don't like in the relationship - that will not get a response. More than likely, she will be the one to talk to you about how she sees your behavior, and that would be the time to talk to her about her preceeding behavior in a very calm, cool collected manner. Never, ever let her see you get angry (I've learned this one the hard way).

 

3. Make her feel good all over - of course, none of the above will work if she doesn't have some positive reinforcement to look forward to. If the sex is missing, then there's nothing to keep her motivated to stay in the relationship. Learn the art of going down on a woman. Understand that if you can be a sensitive lover, touch her all over her body and make a woman feel really good 'down there', she will become your slave assuming you can stick to the above and she doesn't see you as some kind of wimp.

[timidity99]

Ok, first of all, this chic you are describing here sounds seriously psychotic. And BTW, if you just snuck in my bed, unless we were seeing each other and becoming a couple, I'd kick your ass out. For me at least, it is about respect. If I feel like you actually respect me as a women, then I'll be more likely to want you. If I feel disrespected as a women, you might as well hang it up and sow my pussy with a needle and thread because your not getting any.

 

 

 

If you asked me "May I touch you, dear?" I'd laugh so hard I'd cry. It is about mutual feelings. You should know by that point whether or not a women truely wants you and if you don't, you sure as hell shouldn't be in her bed. How old are you? What age of women are you dating? It sounds to me like the women you are dating are not very compatible with you. Maybe I'm a rare breed, but I can tell within minutes of talking to a man if I will be compatible with him or not. Maybe that is just a women's intuition, but if I don't feel I am, I will politely walk away because I am wasting both of our time.

 

I've never had a man ask me "TA, May I please take your clothes off and bang you until your body is numb", and hope I will never have to hear that. Again, it isn't about asking permission, it is about a mutual understanding. At least in mature women, she will let you know by her body language and words that she is ready to take things to another level. I don't know about silly little high school girls, I'm sure it is a different story. Like a previous poster stated, be yourself. You can't try to act like something you are not and expect to find the right women for you.

 

I was unclear while reading your post if you are looking for a relationship or just sex.

 

What's wrong with asking permission to touch her? I mean I think it's polite instead of looking for signs that she wants me to touch her. I'd rather her just tell me directly.

[Mary3]

What's wrong with asking permission to touch her? I mean I think it's polite instead of looking for signs that she wants me to touch her. I'd rather her just tell me directly.

 

N-n-n-n-o-o-o-o ! It does not work like that. We accept the first kiss. We like and want you to kiss us again. If we don't like it we act shy and uncomfortable.

 

Look if she DOES allow you to kiss her and lets you put your arms around her and a warm BIG smile comes over her face and she leans into you and puts her head on your chest then : YOU ARE IN !

 

From there as you do other manuevers ( slowly ) she smiles and accepts each one . From caresses to more intimate touching.

 

If she does NOT want you touching her , she will move away from you and look like a mouse in a cat den.

 

You don't ask her :" Hey can I touch your magnificant DD rounded breasts ? "

[Tim'sAngel]

N-n-n-n-o-o-o-o ! It does not work like that. We accept the first kiss. We like and want you to kiss us again. If we don't like it we act shy and uncomfortable.

 

Look if she DOES allow you to kiss her and lets you put your arms around her and a warm BIG smile comes over her face and she leans into you and puts her head on your chest then : YOU ARE IN !

 

From there as you do other manuevers ( slowly ) she smiles and accepts each one . From caresses to more intimate touching.

 

If she does NOT want you touching her , she will move away from you and look like a mouse in a cat den.

 

You don't ask her :" Hey can I touch your magnificant DD rounded breasts ? "

 

I think that about sums it up Timid. You must not have been with many women because I doubt you would get very far with "Dear, may I please touch you titties?" and "Dear, may I lick you little kitty?" or "Dear, would it be ok to stick my throbbing cock inside your vagine?" Come on!!! If you are not intelligent enough to know when you get the green light on your own, then you don't have any business being in anyones bed!!

[Sapiens]

"Dear' date=' [b']would it be ok to stick my throbbing cock inside your vagine?"[/b] Come on!!! If you are not intelligent enough to know when you get the green light on your own, then you don't have any business being in anyones bed!!

 

Actually I have gotten away with this one quite a few times, LOL! The mood had to be right though...

 

-Sapiens

[Tim'sAngel]

Actually I have gotten away with this one quite a few times, LOL! The mood had to be right though...

 

-Sapiens

 

Well if it's dirty talk thats one thing, but if you are really so clueless as to sit with your hands folded like a little boy and ask permission to do something as a means of seeing how far you can get with a women, then most likely she is going to either laugh at you or leave your ass becuase obviously you are... well, clueless. Unless of course, you are role playing a young student and a teacher!!

[Sapiens]

What Sapiens said is ok if you want to act like that. I've done that a few times, but it doesn't fit every situation. Blatant arrogance has it's good points, but if you don't have what it takes to back it up, you risk looking like a serious ass. I sometimes have what it takes, but otherwise I don't try it if I don't really mean it.

 

I didn't say to be arrogant, yet I do mean it. Why? Because if she really means no, it is no.

 

No point in making her do something she does not want to do. There are plenty of women that want a man in them anyways.

 

-Sapiens

[Mary3]

Actually I have gotten away with this one quite a few times, LOL! The mood had to be right though...

 

-Sapiens

 

Thats so Hot

[timidity99]

I think that about sums it up Timid. You must not have been with many women because I doubt you would get very far with "Dear' date=' may I please touch you titties?" and "Dear, may I lick you little kitty?" or "Dear, would it be ok to stick my throbbing cock inside your vagine?" Come on!!! If you are not intelligent enough to know when you get the green light on your own, then you don't have any business being in anyones bed!![/quote']

 

I've been with 4 women in my life. I don't see anything wrong with asking her permission to kiss her. I think it's just general politeness. I would want a girl to get approval from me first before kissing me the first time. I'm not wired like most people. I believe in getting approval first instead of analyzing her body language.

 

In the first place I wouldn't let a woman touch me the first time without permission. Nobody has a right to make physical contact without asking for permission.

[Mary3]

I've been with 4 women in my life. I don't see anything wrong with asking her permission to kiss her. I think it's just general politeness. I would want a girl to get approval from me first before kissing me the first time. I'm not wired like most people. I believe in getting approval first instead of analyzing her body language.

 

In the first place I wouldn't let a woman touch me the first time without permission. Nobody has a right to make physical contact without asking for permission.

 

I've never said " May I touch your penis, sir ? " In the foreplay zone it goes without question that a man at some point is breathing heavy and very much wants you to take his penis in your hands......no rocket science there

[magichands]

I've never said " May I touch your penis, sir ? " In the foreplay zone it goes without question that a man at some point is breathing heavy and very much wants you to take his penis in your hands......no rocket science there

 

Maybe we're looking at this the wrong way - instead of asking for "permission," what about asking for directions?

 

Simon(e) says, ....

 

And make sure she says please. Manners are important.

[Toni_no12002]

I think if someone asked to kiss me it would make me feel uncomfortable and probably put me off.If your gonna do it do it, dont ask.If you move in to kiss someone and they lean forward your in, if they dont move in then she doesnt want to.Simple.

[riobikini]

I've been *asked* "May I kiss you?" -but it has a different flavor when he *says* " I want to kiss you ".

 

And then he does, -*without* waiting for an answer.

 

You have a few seconds to stop anyone you do not want to kiss.

 

It's more natural -and nicer- when no one has to *say* anything.

 

Same goes for any further progression.

 

-Rio

[Walk]

The girl you're talking about sounds like a ball of conflicting signals. She wanted you, but would scream if you touched her? Uhm... crazy.

 

As far as asking if you can touch a woman... From my view point, if you're in my bed and I haven't hit you or grabbed the phone and dialed 911, then you probably don't have to ask persmission. HOWEVER. If I say no, then stop whatever you're doing. Doesn't mean I hate you, or want you to leave, but maybe whatever you were trying was not working, made me uncomfortable, or I had some other kind of problem with it. But if the girl is saying one thing, and acting the opposite way, then it might be good to take a step back. Take things out of the physical for a bit and bring it back to the talking stage. Take it back to a level she's comfortable with. (assuming she is giving conflicting signals, not if it's just No.) Basically slow things down for a bit until she starts giving the signals that she's feeling more relaxed/comfortable, and "slowly" progress it again.

 

Or completely stop, and tell her you want to wait until shes ready. That you like and respect her and want to make sure that she is comfortable with it. Then tell her you can't possibly stay in the same bed with her because it's driving you crazy with desire, and start getting up. If she lets you walk out the door, then she probably wasn't ready. If she stops you, then take things a little slower until you can tell she's comfortable with it.

(This can be very manipulative if you don't have good intentions, so don't do it if you don't mean what you say.)

 

I like men who are straight forward about what they want. There are ways you can ask permission without having to break the mood. Like Rio was saying. Using "I want to kiss you" instead of "may I kiss you". It gives me the opportunity to stop you before you do it, but I don't have to actually say the word yes. Besides, if you're close enough to kiss me, then you're already in my personal space. If I was didn't want you to touch me, then I keep the personal space. That's just me though... Don't know if other women see it the same way.

[timidity99]

I think if someone asked to kiss me it would make me feel uncomfortable and probably put me off.If your gonna do it do it, dont ask.If you move in to kiss someone and they lean forward your in, if they dont move in then she doesnt want to.Simple.

 

It actually makes me feel uncomfortable when a girl kisses me for the first time without warning. My ex gf made the first move on me when we first got together. To be real honest I wish she had asked permission before kissing me. I never told her that though. I like to have everything planned out. I don't like being spontaneous when it comes to kissing.

 

Besides if I kiss a girl and she does not try to stop me it could mean that she just does not want to hurt my feelings. Not everyone who does not want to be kissed is going to react in the same way in terms of body language.

[IWalkAlone]

Hey Alphamale! Care to comment on whether "no" always means "no"?

[ashnicole]

I don't think you can get one answer as to "what women want" because we're all different, on all sorts of levels. This is a question you would need to be asking to the women who are "jerking you around."