misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Right now my boyfriend is at my house, while I am on my mom's computer typing this thread. He unhooked my computer because he has his computer here to play this game that he loves to play. He's been playing this game since we woke up this morning which was around 11am. This is something I always go through with him, if he's not playing the game on the computer, he's playing his psp, playing pacman on my phone, or if I am it his house he stays up all night gambling with his friends. I talked to him about these a few times, but according to him I'm always complaining so I promised I would be more understanding. But I mean come on every now and then a woman needs attention from her boyfriend right, it's like I have to go through so much just to get it, or just sit and wait until he gets tired of playing but by that time I'm already in bed sleeping. I haven't said anything to him today about it, but right now I wish he could just attend to me right now. I know I said I was going to be understanding, but what can I do to get him to understand where I am coming from? Honestly it really bothers me because he pays more attention to playing games then he does me, he spends countless hours playing these games all day and night. I am not saying he has to stop but can he squeeze in a little time for me? Am I overreacting? What do you guys think?
Bullgator Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Misslady, Worst case scenario? He's addicted to video games and possibly gambling. Best case scenario? He's laying down habits which will lead to such an addiction if they are not addressed. Believe it or not, video game addiction can be as destructive to an intimate relationship as addiction to drugs or pornography. I know this from personal experience, as it is one of the more difficult storms my marriage has survived. You are not, repeat not, overreacting.
Author misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks! I just don't want to force him to do something obviously he doesn't feel like doing which is giving me a bit of attention. I would like for him to do it willingly you know? Now he's lying down, while the game is paused so he will either fall asleep in a few or he will go back onto the computer to play the game. I tried talking, I mean what else can I really do when I know deep down inside that I am bothered and I think that he should take what I feel into consideration. I am the one who always expresses feelings while he is the one that listens or tells me I overreact and complain.
Author misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 And just like I thought now he's falling to sleep. I want to say something, but I dislike talking and him not understanding where I am coming from.
Bullgator Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Yes, he *should* willingly pursue you and give you some attention. But right now, his mind is totally spent from the adrenaline and endorphins of the gaming experience. So, misslady, is this how you want to be treated? Obviously not, or you wouldn't be posting here. I can't tell you exactly what to say or do. But know this, if you say nothing, he will have no incentive to change this behavior.
Author misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 I have brought this to his attention countless times and he just doesn't get it. And because he makes comments that I complain all the time I try to be more understanding and not say anything. As I sit there while he sleeps I just want to say something, but what is it that I can say for it to get through to him? I just wish it didn't bother me like it does.
Author misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Perhaps I should just be satisfied that he is here at my house. According to him he likes the feeling of knowing that after he's done I am still here. When he stays up all night playing his games, he likes to know that when it's all done he has me there waiting for him to come to bed. But the question is, is that something I should just accept. I mean come on I have needs as well.
johan Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I have a theory that video games encourage obsessive tendencies. They offer somewhat difficult, short-term challenges that can always be overcome with a few more tries. Each effort builds on the previous with minor improvements until some level of perfection is reached and you move on to the next achievement. It's the instantaneous feedback that hooks people, and they automatically indulge any perfectionistic tendency they have. If he's meticulous, obsessive, perfectionistic in other areas of life, then this makes sense to me. It's the availability of the games that causes this. Just the presence is an attractor, and the excuse is that a single effort really won't take longer than a few minutes. But there's always the option to try again or to move on to the next tantalizing challenge. Whether that's addiction or just in some people's natures, I don't know. I'm like that though. Mine comes and goes though. My focus shifts around. Although I will say that video games are becoming better and better and they can hold my attention for longer than they used to. The only solution I can offer is that you need to get him to see that this is what he's up to. He needs to recognize that the games mean more to him than just entertainment and the other stuff is not really healthy. Possibly a counselor would help. There are plenty of guys out there who have lost good women over this.
Bullgator Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I just wish it didn't bother me like it does. The fact remains that it does bother you, and NOT because you are some nagging whiner, but because your heart yearns for an actual relationship with this guy. Perhaps I should just be satisfied that he is here at my house. But the question is, is that something I should just accept. It worries me to hear you say these things. I don't think it would be healthy for you to just accept this behavior and allow him to continue to neglect your needs. Misslady, I know you've raised this with him and he's always deflected it. Have you considered letting him feel the consequences of alienating you? Or are you worried that if you press the issue any further he will leave you, or harm you?
Tinman Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Misslady, Worst case scenario? He's addicted to video games and possibly gambling. Best case scenario? He's laying down habits which will lead to such an addiction if they are not addressed. Believe it or not, video game addiction can be as destructive to an intimate relationship as addiction to drugs or pornography. I know this from personal experience, as it is one of the more difficult storms my marriage has survived. You are not, repeat not, overreacting. True, but there is a bright side. At least he's not golfing.
Author misslady7 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 It's now 8:11 and he's playing those games again.
CaterpillarGirl Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Very calmly sit him down and tell him that while you understand that video game playing relaxes him, you want to spend time with him too. Ask him to committ a small amount of time daily - say like dinner or an hour before bed - to the two of you. Tell him it is very important that he follow through with this. The rest of the time he can spend however he likes. Hopefully he will not view this as a punishment but more of a "get-to-know-each-other" time.
Pyro Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 You two just need to balance everything out. Let him have days to himself for video games and friends, and have days for just the two of you. Even have days where you play the video games with him, but make sure that he is willing to do things that you like to do. Its all about compromise and if he is not willing to decrease the video game time, then I see bad things for you and him in the future. Fix this now before worse happens.
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