Give Me an Honest Answer: Women and Their Insecurities

[Sapiens]

I will give you a little background and I would really appreciate an honest answer. Please respond as a guest if you wish your reply to remain anonymous.

 

I am 36 years old. I have been very happy with my life since I was about 25 or 26. I have outgrown all my limiting insecurities and can say I am grateful to the Creator for giving me the opportunity to experience this life.

 

I have met and dated several women, some good, some great, other just bad. I mean that in every aspect of the words. Only one of those women I have dated, I could see myself having children with; the irony is she could have none. We had talked about adopting, but she finally told me it would not be fair for me to go through life without my own genetic children; we broke up soon after.

 

My most horrible experience with women has been their jealousy. Every woman I have dated has been jealous of me talking or making friends with other women. Although I have outgrown the need to “sow” my seeds, I could never understand their jealousy toward other women.

 

If you are a woman, please tell me what makes you insecure about your man and other women?

 

When I was younger (16 to 25 years of age) I was insecure and jealous that I may not have been good looking enough, rich enough or smart enough for my partner.

 

What are your issues?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my question.

 

-Sapiens

[allina]

Weird, for some reason I thought yuo were MUCH younger.

 

As for jealousy, I believe that a healthy, stable woman will not be overly jealous in a relationship if she knows that she is loved, and has no real reason to be jealous.

 

Sometimes I think women overanalyze things and drive themselves with questions like "is she prettier than me? Does she have a better body? Does he have more fun with her?"

 

I don't have a jealousy problem and I'm so glad, but I also have never had any issues with being cheated on or dumped for a friend, I believe that if I have, I would be a more jealous person.

[alphamale]

If you are a woman, please tell me what makes you insecure about your man and other women?

Well I'm not a woman SAPIENS but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nite

 

My theory is that women are extremely competitive when it comes to men and most women know all of the "tricks of the trade" of how women get (or steal) and keep men. Women also know that most men are fairly weak when it comes to women. Women also know that most men can be fairly easily manipulated by women. There are other reasons too but we won't go into them.

 

OK, i'll take my bra and panties off now

[Outcast]

The problem with people in relationships befriending people of the opposite gender is that friendship is a road to love. Read the infidelity forums for a while one day. Bunches of the posts start out 'I only meant to be friends with him but we fell in love' etc.

 

When you're in a relationship, make tons of friends of your own gender, but you have to avoid being friends with folks on the other half of the gender line. You can be pals or acquaintances, but not spend-time-alone-together, share-joys-and-sorrows, support-and-help type friends because that's what people who love each other do and that's how friendship can become love.

 

So it's not about 'jealousy' or 'insecurity' but rather the absolute truth that friendship very often can lead to love so it's not an unrealistic fear.

 

My biggest worry would be that someone would be failing to face problems; that there'd be something he'd not like or want changed or was troubled or bothered by but rather than bringing it up for resolution, would just let it fester until it did too much damage to be repaired. Again, not an unrealistic fear; lots and lots of relationships break up because one or both people simply will not engage in problem-solving.

[Sapiens]

 

Sometimes I think women overanalyze things and drive themselves with questions like "is she prettier than me?

 

Does she have a better body?

 

Does he have more fun with her?"

 

 

Those two first questions I have heard, not the third. At my commissioning ball my gf was the best looking woman there. She overheard another woman compliment me, she lost it, ruining my great night.

 

I broke up with her soon after that.

 

I do remember her asking me if she was prettier than her, even though all the other men in my class were willing to do anything to be with my gf because "she was so hot."

 

-Sapiens

[Sapiens]

Well I'm not a woman SAPIENS but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nite

 

 

LOL!

 

My theory is that women are extremely competitive when it comes to men and most women know all of the "tricks of the trade" of how women get (or steal) and keep men. Women also know that most men are fairly weak when it comes to women. Women also know that most men can be fairly easily manipulated by women. There are other reasons too but we won't go into them.

 

Excellent points Alpha! But let's heard from the ladies.

 

OK, i'll take my bra and panties off now

 

Dude, too much info there....LOL!

[allina]

She overheard another woman compliment me, she lost it, ruining my great night.

 

 

-Sapiens

 

I have a hard time understanding what sort of grown woman would act like this. When someone compliments my bf (well...when I have one) it makes me feel good, and happy for him.

[Sapiens]

 

As for jealousy, I believe that a healthy, stable woman will not be overly jealous in a relationship if she knows that she is loved, and has no real reason to be jealous.

 

 

How do you define love?

 

Would you agree that love also includes trust, discipline and honesty in its definition?

 

-Sapiens

[Sapiens]

I have a hard time understanding what sort of grown woman would act like this. When someone compliments my bf (well...when I have one) it makes me feel good, and happy for him.

 

When other men compliment my lady, I am proud and happy for me and her. I know what I have and feel fortunate for her being part of my life. I know they know I am also fortunate to have her.

 

 

-Sapiens

[konfuzd]

There are some guys who have the ability to have platonic relationships with women, but from my experience, the vast majority seek only one thing. You sound like you are in the minority, but understand it's probably your gf's experinence that other men have de-valued her. On the other hand, she may not be insecure with herself, but she knows you are a good catch, and there will be other girls who think the same. She might trust you, but not these other women who may be opportunists.

 

When you make these other girl 'friends', do you include your gf in your activities, or are you going out one-on-one with these other girls? Are you completely open with your gf about the events that take place?

 

Since you asked for complete honesty, I will ask you the same. Would you consider dating any of these other girls should something go wrong between you and gf? Is there a possibility that you may be keeping some options available to you (subconsciously even) for the event that things don't work out?

[Tim'sAngel]

First of all I wanted to relate with your story of the girl you loved breaking up with you because she couldn't have children. The exact same thing happened to me with someone I was seeing on and off for a year and really had feelings for. I can't have anymore children (I have one young son) and when I told him this, he broke it off saying I was being selfish and I later found out he was the last male of his family and needed to keep the family name alive. Sort of understandable, he just could have told me in a less hurtful way. It took me almost a year to get over it.

 

Anywho, about women and their insecurities and jealousy. It is simple really. Alot of women place all of their self esteem and self worth on the man they are with. Somehow their men "define" them. This is not healthy at all!! I was that way in my teens, as are prolly all teen girls. Your statis in high school is the best looking or most popluar guy you snagged. It's almost like you take your heart and tape it to the guys head. Some women never grow up in that particular area. I let jealousy rule my thinking for several years, then finally it was giving me so much grief that I let it go. Now that I have found someone who truely loves me, I have no need to be insecure or jealous. We both have friends and talk to the opposite sex and it is not an issue. A good way to clear up any jealousy issues in the beginning of a relationship is to set up boundaries so that you know what lines to not cross. Any women who is insanely jealous is putting all of her self worth onto her man. It honestly feels to them that if she looses her man, she has lost everything. If you notice, career oriented, indepenant women do not have many jealousy issues because they don't feel they "need" a man. It wouldn't make a difference if they had one or not, they could still make it through life. There are exceptions of course. It is also a maturity thing. Mature women know what to look for in a man such as fidelity, loyalty, maturity, and respect so that she doesn't have to worry about him. JMHO

[allina]

How do you define love?

 

Would you agree that love also includes trust, discipline and honesty in its definition?

 

-Sapiens

 

I wont know how to really type out how I personally define love, but what I meant by that was that when a woman is in a happy, healthy relationship and feels loved and wanted by her partner she is much less likely to be jealous, than a woman that is in a relationship where she is not valued and does not feel special or loved.

[Tim'sAngel]

There are some guys who have the ability to have platonic relationships with women, but from my experience, the vast majority seek only one thing. You sound like you are in the minority, but understand it's probably your gf's experinence that other men have de-valued her. On the other hand, she may not be insecure with herself, but she knows you are a good catch, and there will be other girls who think the same. She might trust you, but not these other women who may be opportunists.

 

What you are describing wouldn't make for jealousy, more so caution. If she really trusted him, she wouldn't get mad because he looked in the general direction of another female.

[Sapiens]

 

she may not be insecure with herself, but she knows you are a good catch, and there will be other girls who think the same. She might trust you, but not these other women who may be opportunists.

 

 

In my view, the woman can offer herself, but if I have not chosen to be with her, I will not accept her. Not even for a one night stand.

 

 

When you make these other girl 'friends', do you include your gf in your activities, or are you going out one-on-one with these other girls? Are you completely open with your gf about the events that take place?

 

 

In my professional circle there are a lot of trophy wives, and beautiful women. Yes, she is included and depended upon to represent me well.

 

 

Since you asked for complete honesty, I will ask you the same. Would you consider dating any of these other girls should something go wrong between you and gf?

 

If we broke up yes, but not if I was involved with her and in a relationship.

 

 

Is there a possibility that you may be keeping some options available to you (subconsciously even) for the event that things don't work out?

 

No. I give my 100% commitment. Not to sound like a snob, but if I wanted another woman I could have her. I have chosen her, she has accepted me, that is all that matters to me.

 

-Sapiens

[Sapiens]

 

Alot of women place all of their self esteem and self worth on the man they are with. Somehow their men "define" them. Any women who is insanely jealous is putting all of her self worth onto her man. It honestly feels to them that if she looses her man, she has lost everything.

 

 

Excellent point, that makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you.

 

 

If you notice, career oriented, indepenant women do not have many jealousy issues because they don't feel they "need" a man. It wouldn't make a difference if they had one or not, they could still make it through life.

 

 

Interesting, I know lots of them and they are afraid to form a relationship.

 

 

It is also a maturity thing. Mature women know what to look for in a man such as fidelity, loyalty, maturity, and respect so that she doesn't have to worry about him. JMHO

 

Ah, they are the hard ones to find!

 

-Sapiens

[Tim'sAngel]

Excellent point, that makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you.

 

You're welcome.

 

Interesting, I know lots of them and they are afraid to form a relationship.

 

Hey, at least they aint being jealous!! Could be because they are afraid it will have an affect on their independance. I've known women in such cases feeling that way.

 

Ah, they are the hard ones to find!

 

Indeed! And I'm taken!

[Sapiens]

 

Could be because they are afraid it will have an affect on their independance. I've known women in such cases feeling that way.

 

 

Funny, it is the same with men.

 

Indeed! And I'm taken!

 

Well, congratulations to you and your man! I can see you are also very humble. LOL!

 

-Sapiens

[Pink Amulet]

So much of my teen life was based on the way I looked. I was constantly being complimented on my face and body. These affirmations made me confident enough to model, and in not very much I might add! However, it also made me extremely insecure.

 

I began to feel the people around me, didn't care to know who I was inside. Including my then boyfriend. I became obsessed with comparing myself to good looking women. It felt like my whole life began to revolve around the way I looked and I began to hate the way I looked!

 

However, when my ex boyfriend cheated on me, I did not so much think she was more attractive than me, more so, that he was simply more attracted to her. Whether true or not, I decided then and there to end this shallow life and I began to focus on my career.

 

Because of my modelling I had been signed to a teen girl magazine as columnist. I used this as a platform and ended up doing a double degree in political science and journalism.

 

I was no longer jealous of other women, or so physically obsessed! I realised by taking the focus of my physical self I became so confident in who I was inside. The valuable part of me. I am no longer jealous of other beautiful women, I instead admire them. Besides, I now have more important things on my mind!

 

Jealousy in women usually fades with age, and if it doesn't you need to look for less self indulgent women. Try volunteer agencies.

[Sand&Water]

My most horrible experience with women has been their jealousy. Every woman I have dated has been jealous of me talking or making friends with other women. Although I have outgrown the need to “sow” my seeds, I could never understand their jealousy toward other women.

 

If you are a woman, please tell me what makes you insecure about your man and other women?

 

When I was younger (16 to 25 years of age) I was insecure and jealous that I may not have been good looking enough, rich enough or smart enough for my partner.

 

What are your issues?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my question.

 

-Sapiens

 

Most women have a hard time convincing themselves, that they're a good catch. They focus their energy on jealousy, beauty, and self-worth.

 

I know for sure that I have something special that NO OTHER WOMAN has. I don't need jealousy, or insecure thoughts to heighten the drama in my life.

 

I speak for myself, that yes, cheating is one huge issue I'm concerned about when in a relationship with a man. It's very tough to get past the insecurity. However, if two people have a very strong trust bond then there is no need to fear the worst. (~ even though, in some cases, men and women have cheated while in a secure and trusting relation)

[amerikajin]

Ain't a woman but I'll weigh in anyway...

 

The post above beat me to it in a sense.

 

In my experience, I've been fortunate enough to have dated some attractive women - the kind of women that a lot of guys would want to get with. The woman I'm with now, in fact, was always getting hit on by my co-workers, and it actually made me somewhat insecure.

 

But I sense that now that we're well into the relationship, the roles have been reversed somewhat. I think her own insecurities are starting to come out, and my experience with her is similar to the experiences I've had with other really attractive women.

 

I find that the women are most insecure are, in fact, the extremely beautiful women. I think this has to do with the fact that they are so used to being approached that they begin to define who they are based on their level of attractiveness. This is difficult to explain, but what I'm saying is that when women are told since the age of 15 that they're hot and they know that men are lining up to get a date with them and trying to get into their pants, they get rather used to this and come to expect it.

 

But like all women (and people for that matter) they have their preferences in terms of what they want in a partner. They tend to be highly selective about what kind of man they want, and when they find someone they like, they tend to think of them as premium grade.

 

And once they start developing feelings and emotional attachment for a guy, the attractive women, who has to this point trying to evaluate who's on par with her, is now for the first time asking questions about whether she measures up to her own man's expectations.

 

And just the way we men know how other men think, women know how other women think (Alpha pointed this out). We men all know, for example, that there's no such thing as a 'friend' from a guy's perspective if the chick is hot. Likewise, while the woman may believe that a woman can enter a man's life with good intentions, relentless seduction can get some guys to take off their clothes if the circumstances permit.

 

I think a lot of it is also ego. A woman who is used to beating other women in the room tends to want to defend her title. She becomes ultra competitive. She resents competition and, indeed, that's why she dolls herself up to the extent possible. Over time, though, she will indeed be confronted with a reality that for much of her life she's been fortunate enough to avoid: at some point, she's going to run into women who are more physically attractive than she - age will make sure of that if nothing else.

 

I find that women who are maybe a 6 or 7 on the attractiveness scale are concerned about their looks, but aren't nearly so blinded by vanity. They already know there are 8's, 9's and 10's out there who can beat them in the looks category, so they've long since used the power of charm or intelligence to complement their looks. That's why most guys, in the end, actually seek out and end up having the best relationships with the women who are above average in looks as opposed to their super hot counterparts, because they are going to do more of what it takes to keep their guy. They tend to bring more sophistication to a relationship because they learned that while they are attractive physically, they can't rely on that alone. And somehow, women in this category (the 6,7s) seem more confident because of this, more real.

[Pink Amulet]

Although a couple points I disagree with on the most part, very accurate post there!

[Sapiens]

Although a couple points I disagree with on the most part, very accurate post there!

 

 

Can you point out what you disagree with and elaborate further?

 

Thanks,

 

-Sapiens

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

If you are a woman, please tell me what makes you insecure about your man and other women?

 

What are your issues?

 

My man is very, very good looking and has a knockout body. I worry that women younger, better looking or in better shape than me will hit on him, and he will be compelled to give me the ditch in order to be with one of them. I'm not saying I think that it will happen, but its a fear nonetheless. He gives me no reason to think that would happen - so its all an internalized thing of my own. I've always been a tad on the insecure side about my looks, etc.

 

I don't do the jealousy thing with him - we talk pretty openly about stuff. I guess its the thought of it that makes me jealous rather than anything going on in reality.

[Pink Amulet]

Sure- I have added comment in bold to this post... It isn't an attack on you amerikajin, I am just defending my honor!

 

.

 

I find that the women are most insecure are, in fact, the extremely beautiful women. I think this has to do with the fact that they are so used to being approached that they begin to define who they are based on their level of attractiveness. Completely agree.

 

But like all women (and people for that matter) they have their preferences in terms of what they want in a partner. They tend to be highly selective about what kind of man they want, and when they find someone they like, they tend to think of them as premium grade. Not true. I am completely accepting of flaws, and shortcomings. I know I could do better, but just didn't want to- I was in love. Having said this, I would date people who are similar to me as these are the people I meet on a regular basis.

 

And once they start developing feelings and emotional attachment for a guy, the attractive women, who has to this point trying to evaluate who's on par with her, is now for the first time asking questions about whether she measures up to her own man's expectations. I couldn't care less. I wouldn't want to love any man who had a check list for me.

 

And just the way we men know how other men think, women know how other women think (Alpha pointed this out). We men all know, for example, that there's no such thing as a 'friend' from a guy's perspective if the chick is hot. Pfft, I have plenty of completely platonic relationships with men and have done so for five years without any thing sinister taking place.

 

Likewise, while the woman may believe that a woman can enter a man's life with good intentions, relentless seduction can get some guys to take off their clothes if the circumstances permit. However, this goes the same for women. It comes down to intelligence. Temptation is the greatly same for both men and women in relationships, however women are just much more level headed and don't think with their sexual organs. We know what is at stake...

 

I think a lot of it is also ego. A woman who is used to beating other women in the room tends to want to defend her title. She becomes ultra competitive. She resents competition and, indeed, that's why she dolls herself up to the extent possible. Over time, though, she will indeed be confronted with a reality that for much of her life she's been fortunate enough to avoid: at some point, she's going to run into women who are more physically attractive than she - age will make sure of that if nothing else. I very much agree with this.

 

I find that women who are maybe a 6 or 7 on the attractiveness scale are concerned about their looks, but aren't nearly so blinded by vanity. They already know there are 8's, 9's and 10's out there who can beat them in the looks category, so they've long since used the power of charm or intelligence to complement their looks. I can definitely see the logic here.

 

That's why most guys, in the end, actually seek out and end up having the best relationships with the women who are above average in looks as opposed to their super hot counterparts, because they are going to do more of what it takes to keep their guy. I completely disagree. I worked my ass off to keep the relationship together. In my line of work I was meeting new men everyday, and I was constantly being propositioned by attractive, wealthy men. I never fell victim to this.

 

They tend to bring more sophistication to a relationship because they learned that while they are attractive physically, they can't rely on that alone. Nor can physically attractive women (see above post)- and my other thread in 'breaking up' And somehow, women in this category (the 6,7s) seem more confident because of this, more real. I resent that. As well as taking pride in my appearance I also take pride in my difficult line of work, and my intelligence. I am also very active, and although I was quite a successful model once- I have never been concerned when breaking a nail rock climbing!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Sapien: " If you are a woman, please tell me what makes you insecure about your man and other women?

 

When I was younger (16 to 25 years of age) I was insecure and jealous that I may not have been good looking enough, rich enough or smart enough for my partner.

 

What are your issues?"

 

The most harmful thing about fear and insecurity is *allowing* them to remain with you.

 

But, being quite human, I still have some that I fight, on occasion regarding relationships.

 

Jealousy is not one of them -neither is insecurity over lack of confidence. It's mostly about the partner and wondering whether I've chosen someone weal and prone to being mislead by his *own* insecurities, than mine.

 

For example: I wonder if he easily subject to boredom in the relationship, or is more likely to fall into the same hole so many fall into regarding taking the relationship for granted.

 

These are personality flaws that I hope to see *before* there is any further development in the relationship, -but my insecurity is in being sure I've made the right decision about my partner.

 

I wonder if my skills are any good -and whether I'm seeing the real person, *not* just who I *want* to see.

 

-Rio