Guest Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Hi everyone. I love this forum and need some advice. here's my story: I dated this girl for 1.5 years. She is my friend's cousin; my friend's mom gave her my number, she called and we immediately hit it off. we had the greatest relationship, both of us were happy and excited. she would frequently tell me she loved me, wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, etc. we rarely had arguments. sex life was great. then I got a job offer about 500 miles away from where we lived. we talked about it and she said she would move with me. so we were apart. talked all the time and saw each other every couple of weeks. about 2 months after I moved I got a text msg from her (on a monday morning) saying she "needed to talk to me". so I call her. she tells me that she kissed a guy over the weekend, she was drunk and once she realized what was happening she stopped it. so I was stunned and didn't talk to her for the next 2 days. the 3rd day I wrote her an e-mail basically saying that I appreciated her telling me about it (no way I would have found out about it otherwise) but I was concerned b/c I felt she was acting out on instinct b/c people have a tendency to do things when they're drunk that they *want* to do but are afraid of. from the time that she told me this on monday morning up until wednesday night (which is the next paragraph) she bombarded me with text msg's saying she loved me, she didnt want to lose me, she wanted to be with me forever, etc. anyways she then called me that night and told me she couldn't move out here. She also said that she didn't know how she felt about me anymore. I was absolutely devastated and still am (this was 6 weeks ago that it happened). So the first 2 days following that I (screwed up and) called her crying saying that I couldn't fathom being without her, etc etc. She now seemed so cold. the kicker was that I repeatedly asked her for a REASON for this sudden turn of events and she would not give me anything. her mom died several years ago and she says that if she left the area it would be like "moving on" past her mom - I cant imagine how hard it is to lose a parent but I also don't truly believe this is the reason b/c why would she have agreed to move out here with me in the first place?? I know she wasn't bullsh***ing about moving b/c she sacrificed some things in her MBA program in order to move, that kind of thing. So.....(sorry for the long winded story) I have NOT initiated contact with her one single time since those first 2 days afterwards. She called me 2-3 times in the first week or so following; I answered once and stayed very impersonal. She has IMed me several times since then - I either ignore completely or give 1-2 word responses. The thing that kills me is that if I had not moved we would be 100% fine (at least in my mind). I know this is bad (and also not helpful to moving on but I digress) but I know her e-mail password so I check her e-mail periodically and thus know that she has hooked up with some guy (which she told her friend she regretted). So here are my questions: 1. why did she have to do this in the most hurtful manner possible? (tell me she cheated on me, followed by saying all those things like she wanted to spend her life with me, then breaking up with me without even offering a reason) 2. what is No Contact accomplishing? she seems like she could really care less about how I'm doing....wouldn't someone with a SOUL at least make some kind of effort to initiate contact with the person that they devastated? 3. Should I consider initiating contact with her? Here's the way I interpret what happened: she has never moved in her life and it all of a sudden hit her that it was soon going to be REAL. as a result she broke things off with me and just completely pushed me out of her mind in order to avoid dealing with moving. I don't know, I'm so confused and so torn apart by this, particularly b/c of how frustrating it is wondering what could have possibly happened to make her simply bail on us like this. If anyone has any thoughts I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
KarlCox Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 when she makes contact with you when you NC.. you ignored her; therefore, you forced her to move on... especially when you are on on AIM when she msgs.. you reply it after 30~40 sec every msgs she sends... this indicates that you are busy which draws her curiosity also shows that you are not desperate or waiting for her msgs... dont talk about anything important.. sound like you dont really care.. (but dont ever say that you dont care) and stay polite.. you got to keep the range right.. if you push her away too much when she initiates the contact.. she might give up... when you sound desperate... you pull her up too close..she might freak and walk away... you gotta keep the distance right... always stay polite...
RealBroken Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Oh mate,....... Its so hard to understand women i know. They can seem so heartless. The same has happened to me and i cannot fathom how cold and awful she was either, especially when she was such a caring hearted soul. its all very confusing. They are totally different creatures than men. I dont have the energy im afraid to dwelve into everything ive learnt over the past month of visiting here....... but the best thing for you to do is read as many threads on this part of the site as you can. You'll start to understand things better. Sorry man. I wish you luck. Keep up the NC though ok. Thats a biggy at the moment.
Returning Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 And do yourself a BIG favour as well as doing the right thing....Forget her email passy...don't go near her email account. Just stop doing it, it's not big and it's not clever, in fact it reflects badly on you as a person. Good Luck
RealBroken Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 But I understand........ when u wanna know..... u just wanna know. So u look. The only thing is...... checkin her emails will make it harder for u to let go. U may also find things u didntreally want to. You decide though
fabulousgal Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 2. what is No Contact accomplishing? she seems like she could really care less about how I'm doing....wouldn't someone with a SOUL at least make some kind of effort to initiate contact with the person that they devastated? I agree, this was my issue with my exbf, he's the one that messed up and I expected him to show much more compassion. Then I realized he may not be for a few reasons: guilt, not knowing what to say, not wanting to rehash things to get caught back in the cycle, not really understanding the impact of his actions on another persons feelings. Look, she still has contacted you in some forms, so it shows she just didn't write you off. My ex did the same thing. Sometimes people don't have the courage to face those they hurt with kind words. Stay with the NC if you have any hope of getting back together. I messed up bad bc I broke NC at first, but then I started to attempt to practice it. He would contact me and I would cave and start whining about the breakup. I think now if I hadn't done that, I would have looked a lot stronger to him, instead I made myself look silly. Stay strong.
gman123 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 thanks everyone. (I was "guest" when I started this thread). the only reason she contacted me (via IM) was to say happy bday, so it was basically an *obligatory* contact. so the verdict is to continue NC? I don't think there is much (if any) chance of getting back together so maybe I just get all of my thoughts off my chest. I believe that would make me feel MUCH better and perhaps serve as closure. I think what bothers me most is still having no clue exactly what happened in her mind to make her just cut bait completely. I know she was terrified of moving but wouldnt she still care enough about me to give me a call once in a while??
RealBroken Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Dude,.... YOU GOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Thats a big thing. Most of us here dont get those. U think she's not being nice...... hey most of the ex's on this forum are less nice. She cares ok...... u got happy birthday. Now hold on to NC, its whats best in any case. Chin up
richardcruz Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Alot of us here still do not have a clue why the people we loved so much suddendly left us. And those of us who did find out why; It still doesnt help much because we still don't see how someone can be so cold for reasons that we don't understand. I know how it feels to have someone be on the same page as you and the next day do a complete 180 without any explanation. So I agree. NC even though you don't see what good it will do. At least it will help you start the long and painful healing process that has to occur. I would say at one point you will look back at this whole ordeal and it wont hurt that much, but I am not nearly that far along in my own process and that seems impossible to me in my current state of mind. Anyways stick with NC....Stay Strong
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