J dub Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Hey ya'll...not sure if any of the same people are still on these boards as six months ago but none the less I wanted to share something with you. I was w/a man for almost 3 years. It was a shaky relationship at best, however in my mind I thought, good things take work and I wont just give up. Eventually he dumped me for some stupid reason (arent they all?) and I was DEVESTATED. I felt like my whole life had crashed down on me. It took a while but I picked up the peices, starting moving forward on my own. Of course the second I'd finally forgotten about us and given up any hope for us to reconcile, he came back full force. Made all kinds of promises to me, telling me he had changed and wanted to work on us. I wasnt strong enough to say no because I thought maybe one more try would be worth it. Guess again. Five months later, he was right back to his old ways: ignoring me, acting like I didnt matter, taking me for granted and smashing my self esteem into little bits. I dont remember exactly what the last straw was, but finally I said enoughs enough and left him for good. And then, just like before he came back AGAIN. Only this time? I was no idiot. The saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, rang true here. Third chances do not suffice in my world. He insisted that three times' a charm and yadda yadda. No thanks. Funny, because I thought this man was my everything. Hindsight is 20/20. Then I met my newest BF and without having to try, or work on "us" or weed out the miniscule details, and not having to try to change eachother into our ideal mate, we fell in love. Hard and fast. But when you meet the right person, you just KNOW. And all the past relationships, heartache, everything else, it just doesnt matter anymore. It's the past. Right now a lot of you are dying inside for a second chance w/ your ex. Please look deep inside yourself and ask, is it really the person I miss, or the comfort, love, security, that I miss? Because when a relationship ends, its usually for a reason. And its time to move forward, letting go of that toxic ex who drove you to the ground in self pity. You are better, stronger, full of love to give someone, someone who DESERVES your love, someone who will return all that compassion and energy to you. It wont be just them taking from you like your ex probably did. It'll be so much better. You just need to believe that everything happens for a reason. You and your ex broke up because there's something better for you around the corner. You have to understand that just because you didnt work with this particular person doesnt mean its your fault: it means you werent right for eachother and so you continue on the path to find the one who IS. And trust me, once you do find that someone, there wont be anymore of the "I will change for you" nonsense. It wont be you having to TRY with all your might to make something between you work. It just happens effortlessly and seemlessly and perfectly. I'm sure no one wants to hear, second chances dont work. But really? Be honest to yourself, its the least thing you can do. Is that person REALLY someone you want? Someone who hurt you? Someone who found you dispensable? Dont short sell yourself. You deserve the best, and nothing less.
sirjay Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 My ex broke up with me because my life wasn't in order and we couldn't take it to the next level until I got my independence properly sorted out, and moved to her city. She had every right to dump me but we are still very much in love and even though we were together for 3 years, it was a long distance relationship and I never feel like we really did it properly. I feel like there is potential for something 10x better. So yeah... I really hope once she sees I have changed the bits of me that upset her, that we can do it properly. I enjoyed her company more than any other woman I have been with, and we had more rapport. I miss her badly.
Touche Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Wow, Jdub. I'm so happy for you. I was one of those who advised you when you were thinking of giving him a second chance. Your relationship with your ex mirrored mine with my ex in so many ways. I wish I had known then what I know now and what YOU now know. I wouldn't have wasted NINE damn years on him. It was on and off the whole time. What a waste. Sure made me appreciate what I have now though. I'm sure you can relate to that. I know people will come on here and say "Every situation is different and blah, yada, blah, blah.." Yes, it's true. But as a RULE second chances don't work out for the reasons you stated. There was a reason for the breakup in the first place and people don't usually change (for long anyway) so the issues that were there before continue. So glad things worked out for you and you were able to get off that damn rollercoaster.
timidity99 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I don't know if a 2nd chance will work in my situation. My ex broke up with me because I turned down her marriage proposal. We were together for 3 years. I wanted to wait and she didn't. So now she's upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me. I miss our friendship more than anything. We really enjoyed each other's company. I can't imagine dating anyone else. She's the only one I want. So it's not like I want to date other people. That's not the reason I turned her down. She too has told me as she was proposing that I'm the only one she could see herself grow old with. I just wasn't ready to take the relationship to that next level. NC is making it worse for me to heal. The only reason I'm doing NC is because she's upset with me.
Diver012 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Not a second chance man myself. Never will be. I do not want someone that felt I was disposible... screw that and screw them
Author J dub Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 I don't know if a 2nd chance will work in my situation. My ex broke up with me because I turned down her marriage proposal. We were together for 3 years. I wanted to wait and she didn't. So now she's upset with me and doesn't want to talk to me. I miss our friendship more than anything. We really enjoyed each other's company. I can't imagine dating anyone else. She's the only one I want. So it's not like I want to date other people. That's not the reason I turned her down. She too has told me as she was proposing that I'm the only one she could see herself grow old with. I just wasn't ready to take the relationship to that next level. NC is making it worse for me to heal. The only reason I'm doing NC is because she's upset with me. Hate to say it bro, but if you love her so much what are you waiting for? Marry her! You are proving to her exactly the opposite of what you "want", that you dont want her forever (by not being a man and claiming what you love). I never buy into these stories of a man saying he's not ready. She wants an engagement to know that your relationship is growing, and you turned her down. This is quite possibly the worst blow imaginable. You just said to her, I love you honey, but I dont want to be with you forever because theres someone else out there better for me. Three years in a relationship should be PLENTY of time to establish whether or not you want her in your life for good. sounds to me you dont really want her, youre just missing her companionship and the security blanket of a relationship status. I promise you, she will find someone who wont waste a minute picking her up and marrying her, if shes such a catch that is.
Author J dub Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 Wow, Jdub. I'm so happy for you. I was one of those who advised you when you were thinking of giving him a second chance. Your relationship with your ex mirrored mine with my ex in so many ways. I wish I had known then what I know now and what YOU now know. I wouldn't have wasted NINE damn years on him. It was on and off the whole time. What a waste. Sure made me appreciate what I have now though. I'm sure you can relate to that. I know people will come on here and say "Every situation is different and blah, yada, blah, blah.." Yes, it's true. But as a RULE second chances don't work out for the reasons you stated. There was a reason for the breakup in the first place and people don't usually change (for long anyway) so the issues that were there before continue. So glad things worked out for you and you were able to get off that damn rollercoaster. In my heart I knew our second shot was pretty much a lame attempt at something that wont work anyways, but I guess I had to know for sure. And now i do, without a doubt. And I am SO MUCH HAPPIER now that I've let that guy go for good. he was not right for me and looking back all i can think was, god I was an idiot. So I know exactly how you feel about wasting your time (albeit mine was a bit shorter.. ) but I appreciate my new man SO SO SO much more knowing what I had before and what I have now. It's like night and day, I am the happiest girl in the world. And yeah, theres always gonna be the ones who think that they are the exception to the rule. Unfortunately for them, they too will be posting here someday saying "ugh what was I DOING?!" just like us!! Glad to hear youre still doin well tho
Guest Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Timidity99, I'd really appreciate it if you could share your thoughts on why you say you love her but you're not ready for marriage. My BF and I broke up almost 3 weeks ago after 2 very happy years together, and our situation is very similar to yours except I didn't propose. He's getting transfered outside the country, and I told him I can't go with him as his girlfriend. He says he loves me, everything is perfect, he's happy in the relationship, and doesn't want it to end. BTW, we're in our mid-30s, so I can't understand this situation at all.
timidity99 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Timidity99, I'd really appreciate it if you could share your thoughts on why you say you love her but you're not ready for marriage. My BF and I broke up almost 3 weeks ago after 2 very happy years together, and our situation is very similar to yours except I didn't propose. He's getting transfered outside the country, and I told him I can't go with him as his girlfriend. He says he loves me, everything is perfect, he's happy in the relationship, and doesn't want it to end. BTW, we're in our mid-30s, so I can't understand this situation at all. Well the thing is that it's not that I was not ready to marry her. I was not ready to get married in general. There is a big difference. The whole idea of marriage to anybody scares me. I like my independence and personal space. I live on my own and I enjoy it. I have gotten used to it. I don't really care to have a woman around 24/7. Spending the weekends together is fine as long as we both return to our homes right after breakfast on sunday mornings. Getting married is basically signing my life and freedom away really. It's just like signing up for the military. Therefore it is quite possible for a man to love his girlfriend with all his heart and still never desire to live with her. That is how it is with me. It's just unfortunate that she does not see it this way. It seems to me that she wants the status of being married more than she wants to be with me. Either that or she thinks I love someone else. It doesn't make her a bad person for wanting marriage and it doesn't make me a bad person for not wanting it. I just need to find someone who is comfortable with the idea that I may never want to get married. But there's no guarantee that will happen. Understand that when we first got together 3 years ago the whole idea of marriage was not important to her at all. In fact she told me she didn't want to get married to anybody. Some of her past boyfriends pressured her into marriage and she told them no. So now she did the same thing to me as they did to her. It was quite a shock actually when she proposed to me. I think alot of women change their minds on this subject all the time anyway. It didn't occur to me 3 years ago that she could change her mind in a few years and want marriage. I'm the type of guy who has no problem dating exclusively for a long period of time without any plans of living together or marriage. That is the best of both worlds. As I said in another thread I am living proof that ultimatiums do not work to get what you want from your boyfriend/fiancee. It won't work permanently that is. It's never a good idea to marry someone just because you fear losing them. My ex didn't give me a direct ultimatium per say. She just got upset when I turned her down and the next day she let me go. So I think she gave me an ultimatium by her actions. I wonder if my doing NC is making it easier for her to get over me. I have to continue doing NC anyway at her request regardless of what effect it is having on her. Another thing too is that my parents are separated. They haven't slept in the same room in 8 years. Considering the high odds of getting divorced and being screwed over emotionally and finanically I don't think I want to risk taking the plunge. 75% of divorces are filed by women. I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years wondering when she's going to request a divorce.
Brittanyjean06 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Second chances, meening a second chance with a second love, not back with your ex.. I like this thread alot, it makes perfect sence, you just gotta go with the flow of it all and the pain will be worth it when you meet that special someone.!
johan Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 ...but I appreciate my new man SO SO SO much more knowing what I had before and what I have now. It's like night and day, I am the happiest girl in the world. I assume the sex is good, too? Can you describe it? In detail? When you describe it, please focus more on yourself. I think your story of the second chance is typical, although nothing is 100% true. There are always exceptions. I'm sure no one here is surprised to find out that you have found happiness again. I'm happy for you and hope that I can be singing the same song you are someday soon.
starlight2025 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 My 2nd chance is working for me so far. I'm a little over 7 months into my 2nd chance with my ex. We are getting along great. I'm taking her away thursday night to a motel. Someone said that if you get the 2nd chance then to give it 6 months because that's usually when it fails. I have passed that deadline. I know that still doesn't necessarily mean that my 2nd chance will last. I would be surprised if it lasts 1 year. Well in 5 more months it will be 1 year. I miss caliguy's advice. I wish he would come back and create more guides.
johan Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I miss caliguy's advice. I wish he would come back and create more guides. What? Nothing against CaliGuy, but are you serious? You want more guides?
starlight2025 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 What? Nothing against CaliGuy, but are you serious? You want more guides? absolutely. he has some interesting viewpoints about relationships.
Bogun Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I miss caliguy's advice. I wish he would come back and create more guides. I havent seen caliguy around since he met up with his ex again. So either it all went well for him and he's forgotten about this place, or it all went pear shaped for him with the ex and he's too embarrassed to post back here after everyone was telling him to avoid his ex.
johan Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 He was called on what some considered hypocrisy. He violated much of what his own guide on 2nd chances said. He got upset and swore never to return.
Author J dub Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 He was called on what some considered hypocrisy. He violated much of what his own guide on 2nd chances said. He got upset and swore never to return. WOW I mustve missed a lot in the time I've been gone, I didnt know Caliguy got back w/ his ex or was even entertaining the idea. Just wow. As for the sex being good, as you asked (Johan), it is UNBELIEVABLE. But words just cannot provide justice to the amazing spectrum of emotions and feelings he has triggered in me. Lets simply say that it was like he woke up an animal inside of me. It's great, in every sense of the word. My ex? I mean, it was good I guess. But when you are spritually, emotionally, physically and mentally attracted to someone and you are on the same level as them intellectually and maturity wise, it can only equal total and complete BLISS. I think, truly, that everyone has at least a few someone's out there for them; someone's that make them want to be a better person, that compliment them in ways that highlight their good points and teach them how to correct the not-so-good points, someone who zigs where they zag. It's just a matter of believing you deserve it. Really.
Author J dub Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 timidity99, >Well the thing is that it's not that I was not ready to marry her. I was not ready to get married in general. There is a big difference. Nope sorry, theres not a difference. When you meet the right person, its a no-brainer and you WILL want to marry them. Ive seen it time and time again: the man claims marriage is not for him. and then BAM! He meets the woman he can NOT live without, and he cant wait to marry her. >The whole idea of marriage to anybody scares me. Again, its cuz you havent met the right one. >I like my independence and personal space. I live on my own and I enjoy it. I have gotten used to it. Ah, but wait til you meet the woman that you want to share your EVERYTHING with. You'll be singing a different tune, my friend. > Therefore it is quite possible for a man to love his girlfriend with all his heart and still never desire to live with her. That is how it is with me. I didnt say you dont love her with all you have. I said shes not the right one. And I will say it again: Youre not willing tolive with her, etc, because she doesnt strike the chord with you that someone will one day. >It's just unfortunate that she does not see it this way. It seems to me that she wants the status of being married more than she wants to be with me. Maybe, but if she was the one for you, you wouldnt have a problem marrying her and making her happy. It would be your pleasure to do what you can to please her. >It doesn't make her a bad person for wanting marriage and it doesn't make me a bad person for not wanting it. Nope, nothing wrong except that youre wrong for eachother. >But there's no guarantee that will happen. I'll break it down for you right now: It wont. >Understand that when we first got together 3 years ago the whole idea of marriage was not important to her at all. In fact she told me she didn't want to get married to anybody. Thats great bro. I said the same thing to my ex. Guess what? After two years together, I started to think either something needed to change (ie we needed to take it to the next level) because I started questioning if he was right for me. Women say that stuff all the time. We're allowed to change our minds and be swayed believe it or not. >That is the best of both worlds. Yep, its a selfish display of having your cake and eating it too. You always have one foot out the door. Congrats on that one. >As I said in another thread I am living proof that ultimatiums do not work to get what you want from your boyfriend/fiancee. It won't work permanently that is. I agree, although I dont think your ex was giving you an ultimatum in the sense you seem to describe. She was giving you an out, either you take all of her or none. She wanted to know for sure, and in order to know, she felt she needed to ask you. And now she knows her answer and I can guarantee you she is long, long gone. >It's never a good idea to marry someone just because you fear losing them. No, its not a good idea if thats the sole reason of marriage. But if its that and the thought that you cant imagine your life without them, that they make you feel like 100% of who you are and wil make your life that much better just by being it in, and you seek their companionship forever, than yeah I could see how that would be fine. >I wonder if my doing NC is making it easier for her to get over me. women are very out-of-sight, out-of-mind. The longer you stay in NC the faster she'll get over you. I'm sure she's already on the fast track to meeting the right one for her anyway. You were just a stepping stone to the right person for her, the person who can provide for her what she wants and needs. You clearly do not have the ability or interest in doing either. >I have to continue doing NC anyway at her request regardless of what effect it is having on her. Smart move, she is a smart woman for requesting that. >Another thing too is that my parents are separated. Thats nice dude. So is mine, whats your point? >They haven't slept in the same room in 8 years. Considering the high odds of getting divorced and being screwed over emotionally and finanically I don't think I want to risk taking the plunge. So youre scared? that sucks. I'm glad I met someone i trust enough to not have to think about things like that. You will too someday, im sure. >75% of divorces are filed by women. I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years wondering when she's going to request a divorce Do you live your life based upon statistics? Are you really that blind and bitter? Have some faith in yourself and others dude. Youre a very negative person. She may not know it just yet but your ex leaving you is probably a huge blessing in disguise for her.
timidity99 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I don't think she really loved me if she could walk away from me that easily. I think there is a hidden agenda behind why she wanted to get married. She might settle for some jerk simply because she's that desperate to get married.
timidity99 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I'm thinking about breaking NC just to see what emotional state she's in now. Maybe hearing my voice will give her a reminder that I still exist. I consider myself a good catch. I'm independent. I don't neglect to hang out with friends. I don't pine after women like a lost puppy. I work out in the gym for 2 hours 5 days a week. I take good care of my physical appearance.
Author J dub Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 I'm thinking about breaking NC just to see what emotional state she's in now. Maybe hearing my voice will give her a reminder that I still exist. Believe me dude, she doesnt need a reminder that you exist. She wont forget you...she just doesnt want you either. She'd call you if she wanted to talk to you, she knows your #. Also? What is this to you, some kind of game to keep her holding on? You wont give her what she wants, so she has no reason to stay with you. You cannot provide for her in the way she deserves, LET HER GO for HER sake. Stop being so damn selfish about this whole relationship, its not all about you. She has needs and wants as well. Respect her decision for NC otherwise you just make yourself look even worse in her eyes. I consider myself a good catch. I'm independent. I don't neglect to hang out with friends. I don't pine after women like a lost puppy. I work out in the gym for 2 hours 5 days a week. I take good care of my physical appearance Thats cool, I mean, if all that mattered was looks. Except thats not the real world, and perhaps you need to work on your other issues (ie fear of marriage) and your personality rather than just working out like an ox. Thats not hot to women, we like the interior - its only the exterior that grabs our attention initially.
timidity99 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Believe me dude, she doesnt need a reminder that you exist. She wont forget you...she just doesnt want you either. She'd call you if she wanted to talk to you, she knows your #. Also? What is this to you, some kind of game to keep her holding on? You wont give her what she wants, so she has no reason to stay with you. You cannot provide for her in the way she deserves, LET HER GO for HER sake. Stop being so damn selfish about this whole relationship, its not all about you. She has needs and wants as well. Respect her decision for NC otherwise you just make yourself look even worse in her eyes. Thats cool, I mean, if all that mattered was looks. Except thats not the real world, and perhaps you need to work on your other issues (ie fear of marriage) and your personality rather than just working out like an ox. Thats not hot to women, we like the interior - its only the exterior that grabs our attention initially. Looks are very important & personal hygeine. Besdies that I am a CIA agent. I am very ambitious and career goal oriented. Those are good personality traits I think. Well it would make me feel better to continue contact even if it's only a friendship. I miss her as a friend more than anything else. NC has not been beneficial for me. If she doesn't want to date anymore at least we could try to remain friends. Why wouldn't she want to remain friends?
Author J dub Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 If she doesn't want to date anymore at least we could try to remain friends. Why wouldn't she want to remain friends? Be honest with yourself. You dont want her as a friend, you dont want to hear about her dating escapades and you will not be able to provide her with an objective point of view in your "friendship". Friends dont have agendas, and you & I both know the reason you want her in your life at the present time is in hopes of preventing her from moving on with her life. Otherwise you'd allow for ample time for her heart to move on before barging back in on her. You already broke her heart by declining her marriage proposal. For gods sake, leave the woman alone, at least until she's back on her feet. As for you being a CIA agent, thats fabulous. It still doesnt define anything though. I know excellent men who are computer programmers. It doesnt make up your personality, its a job.
johan Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I don't think CIA "Agents" post about it on public websites, Valerie. I mean you aren't THAT anonymous here. If you said you were a receptionist or a mail clerk, I could see it. But an "agent"? I don't think so. When I applied, they made it clear that just talking about applying could lead to exclusion.
westernxer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 A CIA agent who spends time on this site should be fired, unless it's a tactic to weed out the online terrorists.
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