Sinistervixen Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 we work together, we sit next to each other, we are so much like each other. we have been together three months. Our first tryst, we we got caught. He placated her. We progressed. He was going to leave her he got a migraine and couldnt get out of bed. Then the next time he was going to leave her, there was a death in her family. Im trying to be patient. there are other factors involved that do NOT include children. I tell him my fears, that the lady he married has come back from being a cold withdrawn person, and i got this reply. [FONT=sans-serif][sIZE=2]Has the person I fell in love with returned? No, not completely.....but she's starting to show signs of it. Does that mean I love her more and you less? No. My feelings haven't changed towards you at all. It does make the future a bit fuzzy though, true.....and that might account for the drop-off in me talking about it....it's no longer as clear as it was. That's the problem with the future......it's a moving target.[/sIZE][/FONT] that kills me inside. it seemed so damn sure...and now its not. i am in limbo. Do i want to be the OW and keep with just what i have or stop now so we can be friends. i cant stop my eyes from pouring and that drives me insane. If anyone who knows me finds this...just know that i needed to get this out somewhere where it wouldnt hurt my closests friends and i wouldnt hear the pain from them. I have enough of my own
newbby Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 i know it may not be what you want to hear, but, these are typical words from men who want the benefits without commitment. i dont think its necessary specific to ow/mm relationships, although of course it occurs quite frequently here. his words are designed to keep you in there with hope, but give him a get out clause at the same time. yes, he wants to keep you, but, he also wants to keep her. i dont know if theres a chance of you being the winner in this situation, but, the way it seems from the outside. even if he wants you equally, you are still the easiest to let go of, because she is the one involved in all aspects of his life. the longer it goes on with you accepting this position the less likely he will be to leave her, because whatever he needed from her, he has now gotten from you, and that is one pressure off their relationship. theres only one sure thing that you can focus on, and thats something that is true without doubt, he is NOT done with their relationship. for the sake of your sanity, get out. you can tell him to find you when he has worked it out if you like, but then do very strict nc. even if you do nc for just three months (its not that long), then you can look again at the situation and see how things are, but, it is extremely difficult to see clearly from where you are standing.
movinon05 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Newbby is very right. You are now basically in a no-win situation. You have to gather up every ounce of your strength and walk away - run away - quickly. He decided to play, he got caught. She is possibly trying to mend what's broken in the M, and he is not so sure now he wants to play. It sucks you sit next to him at work. Is there any way you can have your seat moved? Your emotions are going to go for the ride of their life if you have to have communication with him. Zarathustra has to deal with working with her exMM and he makes it extremely difficult for her even though she has stated she wants nothing to do with him that isn't work related. You might want to call on her. Good luck, pull yourself together, cry if you have to, but just know things will eventually get better for you in one way or another. Keep posting.
Guest Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Thank you so much for your opinions. I was prepared to get some harsh replies, so i am grateful for the gentleness. I see and understand everything you have said. escpecially pointed was this: even if he wants you equally, you are still the easiest to let go of, because she is the one involved in all aspects of his life. the longer it goes on with you accepting this position the less likely he will be to leave her, because whatever he needed from her, he has now gotten from you, and that is one pressure off their relationship. that is what hit me the hardest and makes the most sense. i will remember this, and i will be back, and once again thank you. My mantra for the past week has been "light and fluffy" which is my way of just keeping it less emotional. We laugh about it being like cotton candy...light and fluffy.
animeangel Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I'm new to this too...The 6th made it five months *4 if you count the month I didn't talk to him*. I've tried to pull away from my MM. and it is just hard. I miss him so much when he isn't around. I don't have alot of advice for you. I have just decided to follow my heart to where it leads me. Good Luck
alfagrl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I too worked w/ exMM...it was sooo difficult. I suggest being consistant in NC. don't play the games I played. I tried to act like it didn't effect me and talked to him just as another co-worker, but that back fired because i started to get sucked back in. So the next day I would try strick NC, well that didn't work because just yesterday I said I didn't care. My feelings and attitude toward him were not consistant and he knew if he tried hard enough he could manipulate me. Well thank goodness he got moved in the nic of time. Well.. he got promoted <<GRRR>>> but aleast I don't have to see him as much. My advice is stay firm and consistant absolutly NC. Good luck.
zarathustra Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 I work with my xMM. My xMM went behind my back a month before my contract was up for renewal and asked his wife to reconcile and she said no. Then he implied that I take the long extension instead of shortening it and week after I was contractually bound, he told me that he tried to go home. Then a few weeks after that we broke up because I felt in my heart that if his wife said yes, come home, he would leave in a heartbeat and that I knew that his promises to not do that to me again will be made in vain. This was 9 months ago. Things get better, but there is still this reminder all the time. Today marks the first time that he expressed that he really noticed me. But it will pass, like any other day.
sinister Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 the crappy twist in my situation is his W has just got her green card and they havent been married a year. So he can hide behind the excuse that he has to stay with her cause he brought her here, i would have to live with this for at least 2 more years. Im trying my damnest to see what the law is so that I know what is possible and what isnt so that i dont get lied to. This weekend has been so bad. Ripping my dreams into pieces and throwing them away, my certainty is gone. Now its whether i want just half a relationship, which I had with my last relationship. or nothing at all. Im a single mom of two kids and i work alot, and have few friends. I dont get out to socialize, the last time i did i didnt find anyone.
newbby Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 We laugh about it being like cotton candy...light and fluffy. i'm sure that suits him just fine, but, to you, its not light and fluffy is it? i mean it sounds as though your heart is heavy, not light and fluffy at all. its not easy at all, i know, but i really think that being honest with yourself about your feelings is a VERY important first step.
Author Sinistervixen Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Oh no i think i didnt get that across right newbby. That is my coping mechanism so i dont break down at work. I have a alot of acquiantances at work that stop by my desk for questions and to vent. And i dont want to be a red eyed wet mess when they do. So i try everything to bring it to surface level. I am not in denial, by no means, my heart has broken this weekend and i dont think our relationship will be the same this morning when i go back to work. I dont even think i want to share half of what i am thinking anymore. He confirmed all my fears in one email and it was all sugar coated, I dont even think he realizes that he did it. so the new thing running in my head is no future with him. so maybe i dont hurt so much any more. Ha ya right, im just trying here. I need help.
Author Sinistervixen Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Today killed me. ripped my heart out and wrung it out various times. grieving, in all its freaking glory. i am whiped out from exhaustion. please tell me this get easier.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 No one here can tell you that, because that would be a lie. And you get enough of those already...it's the nature of the relationship.
lovernotafighter Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 yes right GEL...good first post,very wise.
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