BareGoddess Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 What an EXCELLENT post James! I can relate to so much of it. You're so right. Love IS a decision that CAN bring back that feeling that was originally there. And what so many have to realize too, is that in a long term marriage, that feeling may wax and wane. So too, can your sex life. Too many people give up during those "dry" periods. Marriage is a journey that you agreed and vowed to take together. Don't take a detour when the going get's rough. Stay the course. Do what you have to do to stay on the path together. Many people would put you down James, for the way in which you went about "staying on course" but I don't. I understand 100%. You did nothing wrong. What a great post. Thank you for sharing your story.
Author Buttaflyy Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 Semantics , maybe? When I say I love someone, I mean I want them to be happy, I care about them a lot. I love my daughter, I love my siblings, I love my wife, I love our dog. When I say I'm "in love" with someone, I love them and also have romantic feelings. That's tougher to define, but I want to be with them constantly, I want to touch them. Unfortunately, I just can't control that. I have a lady friend now who I think about constantly, various sounds remind me of her voice, and a smile from her simply makes my day. Now, whether or not I pursue those feelings is a conscious decision. Having those feelings is not a decision. If I could decide to feel that way about my wife instead of this other lady, my life would be much simpler. I whole heartedly agree with this Stoopid Guy! Thanks for explaining the "love, but not in love situation. Well said! And of course, we are NOT in control of our feelings. How many times have we had thoughts that we felt terrible about? How many times have we been heartbroken? If would could control our feelings we'd all be numb, unemotional robots walking the earth. (Some people are able to bottle up their feelings and they spend tons of money in therapy because of it ) Most times, when we feel pain we'd want nothing more than to make it disappear. But can we imagine if we had control over that? I think that experiencing different emotions, is not only what separates the human species from other animals, but what makes us wiser, nurturing, etc.
JamesM Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Thank you for the kind words. I feel that I was given an education about marriage and life. Fortunately, it turned out well...for many it doesn't. Stoopid guy, you are right and wrong. To a degree you cannot control whom you fall in love with. During the past few years (and I am sure I will in the future), I have "fallen in love" with a number of women. By that I mean the crush type where I just can't wait to see them, and I would have done anything to get them. This crush is based on feelings and certainly not because I know who they are. One in particular comes to mind. A year ago I would have dropped my marriage for her. This year I saw after not seeing her for awhile...I still thought she looked great, had a good personality, was fun to talk with, but now I saw where she was not quite as pretty as my wife, not quite as spunky as my wife, and not as sexy as my wife. What changed? My feelings for my wife. Why? Because I was able to recommit in my mind to my wife. The feelings HAD come back for my wife. Do I still like this woman? Yes, the feelings are there, but so is reality. How had they come back? Not thru some magical sprinkling of dust or a shot from Cupid's Arrow (maybe it was?). No, it was because taking action brought them back. So, no you cannot control your feelings, but yes, you can. Again, just as an example....certainly not as a path for you to follow. (And please this is not because I am better than anyone.) My suggestion from experience is to avoid this other person as much as possible. Begin thinking of the happy times you and your wife had...and why. Do not think of this as a way to get more sex or as a guranteed way to get her to love you, but rather as a way for you to sinply look at her in the way you did when you first met. What are the things that you like? What does she do for you that you like? Etc., etc. Start going out of your way to do extra things for her. Your feelings can change as a result of your actions.
Author Buttaflyy Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 Overall, I think that you hadn't fallen out of love with your wife. This to me, is the whole difference between a making a marriage work out of love, opposed to one out of convenience. Choice comes in concerning your actions, not necessarily your feelings, but at the same time your feelings/emotions feed off of vibes that you and the people around you, demonstrate (most of the time). Because we can't control other people and their actions it is sometimes hard to feel love toward them. It takes two to make it work. I love this concept from you... If you define love as a commitment you are right. What we need in marriage is the knowledge that our partner will do evrything in his or her power to keep our best interests in mind DESPITE what he or she is feeling. That is love....or commitment. I love this, especially if the "our best interest" means the whole couple working together.... :love: Glad things worked out for you guys!
girly456 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Thank u for letting me in on u'r story. It is soo great to hear that people r real. To know that others have made it though those hard times. they do say love can get u though anything.
Author Buttaflyy Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 The OP asks what the recipe is for a good marriage. I've come to the conclusion that there IS no recipe. Marriage is more like a stir-fry. You add a little of this and a little of that..whatever you have on hand that's good and healthy and fresh. There's no ONE good recipe for ALL people . Oh, I love this BG!
Love2share Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 But I guess I'm a little synical about love and marriage because I've had very bad luck in that department. I don't believe it's possible to fall out of love anymore than it's possible to fall in love. I agree that love is a decision that is made. Once you've decided to love someone, it's difficult to stop loving them. Once you've decided to stop loving someone, it's difficult to love them. The situation becomes more complicated when other people are involved (affairs, children). Someone posted, "act like you're in love until the love returns." I don't think acting will work because most people are terrible actors. Even the best actors have to pull energy and emotions from true life experiences. If the love is gone, an amature will not be convincing enough to pull this off. In order to make a partner feel loved, you HAVE to love them. Period. I've never stoped loving any of my previous partners. Despite being betrayed, abused, and cheated on, I still love every partner I've had. I chose to love them and I'm choosing to love them now. I'm not with any of them because they didn't WANT to love me. What makes a marriage work? Mutual respect, teamwork, and compatabilaty.
flowergirl Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 James, your posts in this thread are amazing and so inspirational. I'm not married, but I've had some of those "out of love" feelings in my current relationship, and the committment really is what's kept it going when I feel that way. You should be a marriage counselor, there's be less divorce under your watch, I think.
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