Buttaflyy Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 What are your opinions on keeping the flame burning? What's best when considering marriage? Love or Life (compatibility, finances, etc.)?
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 my grandparents were married 68 years before my g-pa passed away.. Their marriage was great. My grandmother never worked a day in her life. They were each other true best friends. They truly enjoyed each others company. They respected each other and never cut each other down. They would bicker.. but never let an argument get out of hand. They were a wonderful couple.. but they also lived a wonderful life of traveling all over the world and retirement since their 50's
Outcast Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Read John Gottman's site and books. He's actually done research on this. Talked to LOTS of longtime happily married couples.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Accepting your spouse for all their faults. Never go to bed angry. Respect eachother! Especially during an argument...Don't do any namecalling and be rude. Listen. Say I love you daily and make sure your spouse KNOWS how much they're appreciated. Accept that things are not always going to go smoothly. Be ready for some rocky moments, but have faith they'll pass. Laugh and be silly! Enjoy eachother's company! This so far has worked for us.
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 What are your opinions on keeping the flame burning? What's best when considering marriage? Love or Life (compatibility, finances, etc.)? Both. Love is not enough as you have to spend your life with this person and life is not only about love. It's also about characters, compatibility, finances, parenthood, responsibility, sacrifice, tolerance, compromise, patience, mutual goals and interests, and many, many other things. Many marriages start with love but end up with hate because incompatibility stands in the way of happiness. However without love, nothing can work out. Without true love, you're not able to: Accept your spouse for all their faults. Never go to bed angry. Respect eachother! Especially during an argument...Don't do any namecalling and be rude. Listen. Say I love you daily and make sure your spouse KNOWS how much they're appreciated. Accept that things are not always going to go smoothly. Be ready for some rocky moments, but have faith they'll pass. Laugh and be silly! Enjoy eachother's company! When you live with someone you either love them or hate them. If you're indifferent, it's even worse.
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 What are your opinions on keeping the flame burning?When you live an exciting life together, it keeps the flame burning. Oddly enough, happiness in marriage cannot come only from the inside.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I think basically the root of all unhappiness in marriage can come from three places- Not being able to communicate, selfishness- putting yourself above your partner consistently- and resentment which is allowed to fester.
Author Buttaflyy Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Thanks all. Those are some really good points.
JamesM Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 It comes down to commitment...not love, nor any other feelings. Commitment says that when I do not feel that I love you, then I will act like I love you, because I know that this will help make the feeling of love return. Commitment says that I will wake up every morning and try to do things to make you happy. If both partners have that thought then the marriage will keep going. No, this will not happen everday, but if when the time comes (and it will) that the feelings of love and respect are not there, then commitment takes over and says I will do what I can do to rekindle those feelings and remember why I marrried you. From 16 years of marriage, it works. It isn't easy at times. and it is work. From experience, the payoff is great.
norajane Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 It comes down to commitment...not love, nor any other feelings. Commitment says that when I do not feel that I love you, then I will act like I love you, because I know that this will help make the feeling of love return. Commitment says that I will wake up every morning and try to do things to make you happy. If both partners have that thought then the marriage will keep going. No, this will not happen everday, but if when the time comes (and it will) that the feelings of love and respect are not there, then commitment takes over and says I will do what I can do to rekindle those feelings and remember why I marrried you. From 16 years of marriage, it works. It isn't easy at times. and it is work. From experience, the payoff is great. Thanks, James. One of my friends was trying to explain this to me recently as he and his partner had been going through some rough times individually and as a couple, and have come out the other side stronger for it...I think you've captured it extremely well.
stoopid_guy Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Apathy works well for us. *sigh* Worked for me for a long time too, apathy and numbness. The problem is when someone comes along and kills the apathy, makes you realize what you're missing. Apathy can turn into festering resentment. Commitment says that when I do not feel that I love you, then I will act like I love you, because I know that this will help make the feeling of love return. Commitment says that I will wake up every morning and try to do things to make you happy. If both partners have that thought then the marriage will keep going. That one gets my vote. As far as how "I will act like I love you," it depends on the individuals. Small gifts "just because?" Sneaking kisses? Holding hands, especially in public? (always a favorite of mine.) Making love, even when you're not in the mood?
JamesM Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Yes, luck does play a part, because when you "pick" the person there are so many unknowns at that time. Another thing about commitment...commitment says that I will keep working at this marriage even when I don't feel like it, and even when she doesn't do her part, because I know that if I do, she will also...hope springs eternal..
Ladyjane14 Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Lovely posts JamesM. I took the liberty of sharing them with Cranium on his current thread. Very insightful and eloquent. (I noticed your other posts, btw. Good to hear that things are still going well. )
BareGoddess Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I just wanted to throw this in. I think similar temperaments is EXTREMELY important. That's just been my experience. If one person is moody and the other is mostly even-tempered, it doesn't seem to work. If one person is mostly negative or pessismistic and the other is a mostly positive person, no good either. If one has a temper or anger issues and the other doesn't, watch out. I have found that to be a BIG deal as far as whether a relationship will work or not. Compatible sense of humor and intelligence is also extremely important and shouldn't be underestimated. Same goes for morals and values and the handling of finances. Background and cultural similiraties are less important in my experience. Love will NEVER make up for differences in the important areas I mentioned, in my opinion and experience.
Outcast Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 That's right, BG, becaue 'love' is never enough. It's too bad that there's sayings floating around like 'love conquers all' because people believe them.
BareGoddess Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 That's right, BG, becaue 'love' is never enough. It's too bad that there's sayings floating around like 'love conquers all' because people believe them. I know. That's a pet peeve of mine. I loved my ex with everything I had. I couldn't have loved him more. And I know he loved me with equal intensity yet we still couldn't work it out no matter how hard we tried. We were like oil and water. It was really doomed from the beginning. I hope people realize that love, like you said, is NOT always enough. It takes so much more to have a sucessful relationship.
Author Buttaflyy Posted July 16, 2006 Author Posted July 16, 2006 You guys are right. Love is definitely not enough. And a couple IMO has to have a certain degree of compatibility. But how about the old adage that "opposites attract?"
magichands Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I have to disagree completely - and say that love is both necessary, and sufficient. (Not that I could ever hope to define love.) And it's the watered-down kind if it's not. But I have the feeling that true love is almost as rare as unicorns. So people generally stick with an "operational definition."
Outcast Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Opposites may attract, but it doesn't mean they'll stay together. Compatibility works better. Picture the introvert and the extrovert - in fact we've had a few posts on that. In the best cases, each contributes a bit to the other. However often it turns out that neither can (or will) change so the other's behaviour becomes an annoyance. It maybe works sometimes (think James Carville and Mary Matalin) but both people have to be willing to be open and accepting of the differences. And few people are. Oh and MH, even the best of loves can't overcome tragic flaws. Did you never see The Way We Were?
JamesM Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 If you define love as a commitment you are right. If you define love as a feeling, I completely disagree. Since feelings come and go, hard work is needed to keep the feelings coming back. If we assume that the feeling is gone so we no longer love each other, much of the beauty of life is missed. What we need in marriage is the knowledge that our partner will do evrything in his or her power to keep our best interests in mind DESPITE what he or she is feeling. That is love....or commitment.
magichands Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 If you define love as a commitment you are right. If you define love as a feeling, I completely disagree. Since feelings come and go, hard work is needed to keep the feelings coming back. If we assume that the feeling is gone so we no longer love each other, much of the beauty of life is missed. I love the words, "Love is a decision." Words to live by. And I haven't seen that movie, Outcast. Are you saying that it would "rock my world," and cast all my idealism out of my left nostril?
stoopid_guy Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I love the words, "Love is a decision." Words to live by. It would sure make life easier if it were true...
BareGoddess Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I love the words, "Love is a decision." Words to live by. It would sure make life easier if it were true... It IS true in many cases. Especially in a long term relationship. Have you ever been in one? I'm talking over seven years. If you have been you just might understand that statement and realize that it many cases it IS true. Not everyone understands that or can grasp that concept though. It takes a certain amount of maturity and commitment.
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