fetish Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 (This is a long rant so I apologize in advance) My girlfriend and I have been seeing eachother exclusively got 3yrs. I love her a lot. She often talks about marriage. I tell her I’m not ready right now but when I am, she’d be the one. I mean, we do a lot of things like go on trips and most of the time, we enjoy each other’s company. For the most part, she’s a good friend and gives me support The major thing is her personality is very hard to deal with. She’s the know-it all type an very arrogant. She spits off a lot of false information and claims it as fact, which is annoying to me and to everyone I bring her around. She’s very bossy, demanding, and controlling. She gets mad when things don’t go her way or if I don’t do exactly what she says. Even when I try addressing the issue to her, all she does is deny it and point the finger back at me. IT drives me crazy I know I’m no perfect angel and I know I probably let myself lose control the way I get angry with her, but at least I try to look at things from both views. She carries this attitude around like she’s always right and nothing she does is wrong. It’s always my fault! It seems that she’s always in competition with me and I’m to the point I feel like I can’t reason w/ her. Her family (ie. Her mom) is the same way so I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Currently she’s been on vacation for the last month visiting her mom and I’ve felt more relaxed and less stressed. I know all relationships have problems. I do love her for her good qualities, but the way she acts sometimes, I wonder if she’s the one for me. I don’t want to just give up on a 3 year relationship over a few instances of nonsense. But sometimes I believe it might be best for the both of us. I try to be good to her but any imperfection I have, she always harps on it ow do I know if its time to just call it quits and get on w/my life? I don’t want to forget about our good times together and the good things I like about her. But at the same time, I can’t ignore the bad. Any advice? I definitely need help because I’m so confused.
KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Try to accept her faults. Tell yourself 'I hate it when she does ______, but I accept it and I will not let it bother me. I will focus on the things I love about her." It's amazing how "big" faults can become small faults when you simply tell yourself not to focus on them. However, if you cannot do this within a time frame, say a few months or so, maybe you should consider breaking it off. Do you want to deal with those annoyances potentially for decades?
Returning Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 hey Fetish, I was with a woman for 16yrs, been No Contact for 3 weeks and split up for 6months. She was my dream woman and I thought the world of her. However, she was flawed and displayed the same traits as your woman, borderline/histrionic personality disorder with a side order of Narcissism. I could love and cope with her but her family were too much, father on the phone 5 times a day and on the doorstep around the clock, father and mother regular fights which sent my woman of her head. In the long run it was a mess. I'd give anything to be with her but I'd rather be content and alone than with her and depressed. She always needed to be in control and the centre of attention rather than content and just 'Being'. She used her sexuality to good effect and used it to manipulate. I hung on hoping for some maturity to kick in but it never did, she was destined to be a clone of her mother/father and her fears ensured she did not have a concept of how things could be if she just got off the magic roundabout.
Author fetish Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 wo, i'm sorry you had to experience that.^^ Me and her had a similar situation because her family is straight ghetto on her mother's side. Her mother and family all put the GHETT in GHETTO. Her mother went to jail 3 times for assault on her boyfriends, her aunt (her mother's sister) hit one guy she caught cheating over the head w/ a hammer. And to top it off, her mother had some nasty words to say to me one time for no reason at all. She was blaming me for her daughter's behavior instead of her own daughter. I'm seeing more and more that my girlfriend is not so much different from them. I love her and have tried to look past it but she is controlling and bossy like them. You can't reason with crazy people, you'll just be waisting your time. I think my girl has men issues anyway because she has 3 different men she called DAD while she was growing up.
BrandonBP Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Try to accept her faults. Tell yourself 'I hate it when she does ______, but I accept it and I will not let it bother me. I will focus on the things I love about her." That is so true when you've found "The One." I absolutely can not write down one single thing about my ex that I would change about her or didn't like about her. She had little quirks, yes, but I loved her little quirks because they were HER quirks! I thought it was cute when we would be lying on the couch together in the middle of a movie and she would start snoring. I'd nudge her and she'd be like, "What? I wasn't asleep!." Then I'd say, "You were snoring, Sweetie." She'd give me an embarrassed little smile then be asleep again in two minutes. It's funny how you miss even the tiniest things about your lost love that you never noticed so much back when life was grand.
Author fetish Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 well, the night after our last argument over the phone (which was her fault), my girlfriend and i went 2 days without speaking. She called me yesterday and talked to me like nothing ever happened. Saying endearing things to me like "Hey sweetheart. love you, miss you", and things like that. I pretty much acted the same way back to her saying i loved and missed her but i still had this nagging feeling saying, "It's all good now........ until next time!" I guess deep down, i want to try to make it work because 3 yrs with being with somebody, you want to. But i haven't seen her for about a month and i have felt more at ease with myself and work since she's been gone. Is that a bad sign people? Do i have a crazy person on my hands? And also, do i appear weak for playing along with it? If i act this way, i might give her the impression that she can act up whenever she wants. And when she wants to stop trippin, i'm just going to be happy dappy and go along with it. Any Advice on this would be appreciated.
Author fetish Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 does anyone have any advice for my situation in my comment above? Any advice would be appreciated.
Returning Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 I think deep down you know the answer: "But i haven't seen her for about a month and i have felt more at ease with myself and work since she's been gone" "If i act this way, i might give her the impression that she can act up whenever she wants. And when she wants to stop trippin, i'm just going to be happy dappy and go along with it" I had 16yrs of this, in the end she had got her way all the time, resistance was futile up against her and the family, they operated devoid of all reason and fairness. All that happened was her respect for me diminshed so much I was totally devalued and then discarded. I would wish her all the best and walk off whistling, you can do better or at least have peace of mind in the long run.
Author fetish Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 thanks returning for the good advice. I have decided that i'm just going to kick back and observe her behavior in the upcoming months. If she's crazy or our relationship is going to be a problem, god will show me in some kind of way. If we're meant to be, then it will happen but if its not, i think i'll know when to step. Right now i'm leaving it all in the hands of God. I'm not going to continue to stress and trip about it.
Returning Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ok, if that works for you it's a good plan. Apart from god you could look to see if she is flirtatious/seductive in company? does she like to be the centre of attention or cultivate notoriety with no real substance to the fame she generates? Does she avoid intamacy with you, not sex but one on one situations like dinning out or going to a quiet bar, does she prefare to go out in a group rather than with just you?
norajane Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I guess deep down, i want to try to make it work because 3 yrs with being with somebody, you want to. But i haven't seen her for about a month and i have felt more at ease with myself and work since she's been gone. Is that a bad sign people? Do i have a crazy person on my hands? And also, do i appear weak for playing along with it? If i act this way, i might give her the impression that she can act up whenever she wants. And when she wants to stop trippin, i'm just going to be happy dappy and go along with it. Any Advice on this would be appreciated. You have a woman with serious issues on your hands. I don't know what 'crazy person' means to you, but your gf sounds like a huge pain in the ass, and she's messed up from her family issues. She is not going to change. She doesn't even see there's a problem, so why would she even think about changing? Yes, 3 years is a while, but it's actually not so long in the grand scheme of things. Can you really imagine dealing with her issues your whole life? Why would you want to? Why be with someone who always thinks she's right and you're always wrong? Do you really think she'll suddenly have an epiphany and start seeing things as they are? Yes, it comes across as weak to stay with her. She's pretty much got you wrapped around her little finger at this point...you just accept her behavior and keep staying with her...she has no reason to change anything.
Author fetish Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 you're right. that girl got me sprung like chic & chung. i mean the sex is awesome and i got this crazy little foot fetish too. She keeps her feet looking pretty and that's another plus for me. We go on trips together and she just excites me. She is a little overweight but i often look past that. It's just she always trips and talks to people real aggressive. She's very outspoken. She comes from a very outspoken family. They all act very ghetto and don't know when to keep their mouth shut. And nothing she ever does is wrong according to her. She's also very stubborn, arrogant, and can't stand it when you try to instruct or tell her something but she doesn't mind doing it to others. She's very negative and yes, she is a HUGE pain in the ass. Thanks for the advice, especially you norajane.I don't want to drop her so quick but that will assist me, That was a little harsh norajane but i needed to hear that.
Returning Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Just be carefull fetish, your woman sounds similar to mine. She was a pisces so had quite a thing going on with her feet, liked em being touched etc. That suited me just fine as I had a bit of foot thing going on. She would keep her toes polished and would wear the most outrageous open toed high heels we could find. That woman had me in the palm of her hand, I adored her but took a lot of crap over the years. Before you know it 3 years turns to 15, then she may move on and drop you anyway. As I say, look after yourself.
Author fetish Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Just be carefull fetish, your woman sounds similar to mine. She was a pisces so had quite a thing going on with her feet, liked em being touched etc. That suited me just fine as I had a bit of foot thing going on. She would keep her toes polished and would wear the most outrageous open toed high heels we could find. That woman had me in the palm of her hand, I adored her but took a lot of crap over the years. Before you know it 3 years turns to 15, then she may move on and drop you anyway. As I say, look after yourself. Are you still with her?
Returning Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Nope....we were getting on as usual and she decided she'd had enough, said she loved me but had too much going on in her life. We had seperate house's for the last 10 years but I stayed at hers most weekends. It had come to the point were she had to face her own demons and become more user friendly or call it a day, she called it a day. I couldn't live with her the way things were, I don't like arguments and aggression in my domestic set up. I'm an easy going guy who would meet anyone halfway, am quite in tune with my own feelings and able to discuss stuff dispassionately. She on the other hand could get angry for no obvious reason.
Author fetish Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 sorry to hear that Returning. i love my girlfriend but i'm torn between if i should stay or if i should go. what norajane said about me being wrapped around her finger has made me realize, she really must think she does "got it" like that.
Author fetish Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 During the time that my g/f has been away, we've been talking on the phone every night, w/ the exception of one night. When she first revealed to me that she was going to be staying home, spending time w/ her family for a month, i was very depressed and missed her like crazy. I was getting the idea that it wasn't affectiing her as much. I expressed how i felt and how much i was lonely and missed her. She came off to me like she didn't vare. The only thing she could say was "there are many times where i miss you and you don't act like you care." She was talking in reference to my going to the gym or computer lab after work or hanging out w/my friends at a basketball game. I get off work at 6 pm. I would get home between 8 and 9pm. I even suggested that if she was bothered by it so much, she can come work out w/ me. All in all, most of the time, our argumenets occur from her constant need to argue and her bad temper. She blows up about the smallest things. Last wk, we got into an argument becuase i didnt call her on her house phone, despite my calling her 3x on her cell and she missed those calls. I didn't hear from her until around 11 or 12pm. She started chestisizing me as to why i didn't call the house phone when she told me her cell doesnt work in that area. I told her i tried calling her cell 3Xs as asked her why she didn't try calling me. She blew up. She was trying to make me promise that next time she asks me to call her house phone, i just do it w/out lip. I told her that i didn't care to get into that w/her and to just have a pleasant conversation. I would have an answer for her at another time. She went on for the next 30 min trying to make me answer her question and wouldnt let me change the subj. So we ended that conversation mad at eachother. The next day we didnt talk. Then she called me the next day and started back on the terms we were before, acting like nothing ever happened, saying she missed me and loved me. I tried doing the" let bygone be bygone" thing and fell right back in and said the same. So everything was fine until tues. She was talking about her mom's illness she occured. My g/f has accused me of thinking she's making it up because i always try to comfort her by saying her sickness is still in the early stages and the best thing to do is not worry too much, pray, and keep a poistive attitude, and can possibly still be treated. She'll say things like, "I think i know more than you and there is no cure!" The point is, i'm calling myself trying to be a good, supportive b/f and all she does is blow up in my face. I even tried excusing her behavior because of her mom's illness and understand she's probably upset. My g/f has always been like this, even b4 her mom got sick. Her mom is still pretty active and young (only 43) and might have a strong immunity to it. That same night, i even sent a txt msg apologizing for my part in our argument, i even tried calling her, no answer. The next day she sent me a text saying we might need couples counseling. Did she apologize? NO. I told myself that i wasn't going to fall into it again, so i din't reply to her txt or answer her calls all day. She went all night w/out talking. She finally texted me and said" So you're ain't gonna call me?" I didn't reply. So she finally calls me 15-20 min later and asks me if i got her calls and texts and why she didn't call me. I admittely told her i recvd her msg but i didn't feel like arguing or dealing w/drama so i didn't call. She said, "OK, well i guess i'll talk to you tommorrow." We hung up. Later that night she texted me saying how messed up i was that i din't want to talk to her and i can just call the house phone when i'm ready to talk. I replied and said, "you make me not want to talk to u." She obviously ignored that because she sent me another text asking if i've been checking her mail while she's been gone. I know this was a long story and i apologize but my plan: i'm not going to call her because i want her to realize that she can't just blow up at me all the time and thinking everything will be alright and peachy the next day just because she's calmed down. I'm thinking i should break it off or just let things run their course. Part of me still loves her and doesn't wnt to break up but another part says i'll be better off. Based on our argument, is that a good idea? Please let me know what you think or any advice. Thanks in advance. Again sorry for the long post.
Returning Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Hi fetish There seems to be something else going on that you're not picking up on RE: calling the house phone. Your woman may have a few idiosyncrasy's or they may be deeper issues, it doesn't matter. If she makes you happy, she makes you happy. I think you need to get away from reacting to her voice tone and manner, if that is her way, it just is and she probably doesn't mean what you immediately read into it, ie hostile. If you raise your voice to hers or get angry in return to her anger, and then later make profuse appologies for your behaviour she's going to take you for a pussy and blow you out sooner than later. It may be a girly thing re: the house phone, she may want to show to her family she has a nice man who is interested in her who rings her. Plain and simple, she makes a big deal of it because it means a lot to her. Everybody has personality defects to greater or lesser extent, if she flicks your switch it would be better to learn how she's ticking and love her for it. You fell for her how she is so you shouldn't want to change her. And if you read up on histrionic personality disorder or whatever disorder fits her behaviour; don't tell her, she won't thank you for it. The knowledge would help you so you wouldn't keep falling into the traps and feeling uncomfortable or needing to appologise. I wish I'd known what drum my woman was dancing too, however I found out too late. I'd badgerd and harrassed the woman trying to find out what she was playing at when in fact she couldn't help it and it was just how she was. If I'd known how she was earlier I could have acted accordingly and we would have had a better life, or I would have felt more secure anyway knowing her outbursts weren't directed at me personaly. So, be happy, you could still make something of this. If you think she could be happier after some therapy or whatever thats all well and good. Some people have such deep rooted issues that to draw attention to them they would drop you like a hot potato, the real world is just too scary for them and they need to exist in their contrived world. Also, if you could ever go down that road I would suggest neuro-linguistic programming instead of the 'root around in your past and face all the old s***' style of therapy. But thats all a long way off down the road, get to know the real her first but do it from observation and don't make it obvious, if she does have something going on it would freak her out to know you were watching her. This site can be quite good at expanding your knowledge of PD's http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/npd it can be a bit alarmist and negative, this site is nicer and the people in the forums are cool http://www.healnpd.org/ this site is about living with a PD and having a better quality of life. Overall she's a woman with a hard shell, a front, there must be a good person in there or you wouldn't be interested. Work out how you could coexist, you could be cocreators of a wonderfull relationship. She is always going to be herself and will wear the armour life encouraged her too, you need to see through it to the beauty within, without rolling over for her. And call her, say your pushed for time with work or whatever and keep it brief, see she's ok and reassure her your thinking about her, calling her little and often has got to be better than not at all, if it starts going crazy you can just bail. Don't ruminate on the conversation, she won't be. Drop it with the reciever and get on with your day till you next see her. If you come back to her with the points of the last contact you had fresh in your mind you will be out of step with her and maybe carrying issues from the previous convo that only exist with you. she'll have moved on and will be unaware. You could start to look like someone who dwells on past things.
Author fetish Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 thanks for your input Returning but you don't know my g/f. I try to deal with it but the girl does alot of complaining. Sometimes she's so evil i see horns. How would you be able to take someone who always twists everything you say around ? She'll assume alot of the things i say to her to mean what she thinks. Later, she'll say i said something i never said, when it was all built up in HER head! She makes up alot of stuff and pins it on me. She'll even lie if its convienient. Remember, this is a girl that ALWAYS thinks she's right. It's annoying. After reading your post, i have softened up my hard feelings toward her a little bit. Maybe our relationship might go another 1 or 2 months. But eventually, i'm going to have to come to grips with myself and decide if our personalities go well together. It's going to be hard to break it off whether its today , tommorrow, or even next year. I have to realize that there may come a time when the break up is inevitable.
garnet Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 To me it sounds like your girlfriend is a very unhappy (and probably very insecure) person. People who are secure and feel good about themselves do not feel the need to always be right...rather, they'll be the ones who can admit when they're wrong. Nor do they blow up at all the time at little things. It sounds like there's all of this turmoil going on inside, and she releases it whenever she can...and unfortunately, you're usually the one on the receiving end. It has nothing to do with you. No one can tell you what to do in your situation. All I can say is, her problems aren't going to let up until she resolves the underlying issues and becomes someone who feels good about herself. And no one else can do that for her.
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