KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Everyone keeps talking about taking a hit to their self-confidence after getting dumped. Like, thinking that no one will ever love them again, etc. I don't get it. Since my ex left, I've actually felt MORE self-confident. I know I'm pretty easy to like, even love. I've actually been angry that someone like my ex left someone like me- I felt like he hit the jackpot with me as much as I did with him... I know I can attract plenty of guys given the chance. What's got me hung up is my adoration of my ex, as a flawed person I loved anyways (even when he was being a jerk, even when he did annoying things just to piss me off), and my fear that I'll never feel so deeply again. So I don't get the lack of confidence thing... thoughts?
Buttaflyy Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Wow Kittenmoon! I wish everyone could feel like this after a breakup! I think rejection is what takes a toll on ones self confidence. In my experience the dumpee is the one who has their self esteem attacked. I've been on both ends and if I ended the relationship and was happy about it I was fine. Being dumped on the other hand and the feeling of rejection is what had me doubting myself (for a short while). Normally, I am very self confident and the thought that the guy who dumped me didn't want me caused me to think that he was looking for someone better. Your own mind can be very dangerous to you sometimes.
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 So I don't get the lack of confidence thing... thoughts? I think it has a lot to do with: If someone gives value to themselves based only on having a partner in their life then when they loose that partner they feel like they are nothing without him/her. They base their self-worth on another person. They didn't have confidence in themselves to begin with. You need to be whole alone before attaching yor life along side someone elses.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 I'm sorta stuck in this loop of: Why doesn't he want ME?! not WHY doesn't he want me? I don't really think it hurts any less.. I don't know. I really thought I met all his wants and needs, so I'm trying to figure out WHAT was missing that made him think there's something better. All I can come to is that there might be something FRESHER, not better. Which is annoying in my case, because, with a little communication, I think things could have been salvaged. He could have just said "I want..." and I would have given. Goddamn man.
Buttaflyy Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I'm sorta stuck in this loop of: Why doesn't he want ME?! not WHY doesn't he want me? I don't really think it hurts any less.. I don't know. I really thought I met all his wants and needs, so I'm trying to figure out WHAT was missing that made him think there's something better. All I can come to is that there might be something FRESHER, not better. Which is annoying in my case, because, with a little communication, I think things could have been salvaged. He could have just said "I want..." and I would have given. Goddamn man. Yeah, either way it sucks! Hold on to those feelings about yourself and you will be fine. Being that you already view yourself in that way, you should be able to see that he was deserving of you. Thank God, you didn't waste more time with him because he couldn't appreciate a great thing anyways! And for the last statement, "he could have said I want..." give it to someone who appreciates it this time. Fresher is in no way better and he will definitely see this. They always do!
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 He could have just said "I want..." and I would have given. I think thats where men want challenge. If we are too easy they get bored with getting everything they want.. Men are hunters and gathers by nature. If we cater to them on every whim they will get bored.. I don't know your situation so I can't elaborate. Men are a pain in the ass. I had one that left me with a reason except he was homesick. WTF.. He was 40 yrs old. His parents are dead. What the hell was he homesick for? He also has some emotional problems so I think that has a lot to do with it too. I wouldn't tolerate him acting like a baby. I didn't coddle him because I needed him to be a man and not a little boy. He wasn't ready to grown up.. BS.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 I wouldn't tolerate him acting like a baby. I didn't coddle him because I needed him to be a man and not a little boy. He wasn't ready to grown up.. Yeah he did this a lot too. Looked for unconditional support (no matter how bad the idea) and advice that always agreed with what he wants (no matter the amount of pitfalls he was likely to encounter blindly). I didn't coddle, but after a while I did stop fighting the bad/impulsive decisions and just said "If that makes you happy, I'll support it." Not enough. In fact, because I could see the very possible problems in a situation, that made me a "negative" person. My advice was often ignored... but often correct. In fact, one of the last times we talked (a little over a month ago) he was asking my advice on something... told him what I thought didn't matter anymore. I don't coddle.
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Yeah he did this a lot too. Looked for unconditional support (no matter how bad the idea) and advice that always agreed with what he wants (no matter the amount of pitfalls he was likely to encounter blindly). I didn't coddle, but after a while I did stop fighting the bad/impulsive decisions and just said "If that makes you happy, I'll support it." Not enough. In fact, because I could see the very possible problems in a situation, that made me a "negative" person. My advice was often ignored... but often correct. In fact, one of the last times we talked (a little over a month ago) he was asking my advice on something... told him what I thought didn't matter anymore. I don't coddle. We are not their MOTHERS. Theres no milk coming from these tits...
Buttaflyy Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 We are not their MOTHERS. Theres no milk coming from these tits... LMAO!!! :lmao: Right on Pada!
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 We are not their MOTHERS. Theres no milk coming from these tits... Haha. During the last few months of our relationship I used the phrase "I am NOT your mother" WAY too many times. Also "I am NOT your secretary OR your concierge". The annoying thing is is that I don't mind playing the part of the cook, wife, social planner, etc IF I feel like I am being respected and loved for my efforts and my personality. And that he'd be willing to work hard for ME as well. I want to be an equal partner, even if I am somewhat "domestic".
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 LMAO!!! :lmao: Right on Pada! Thank You... I am a caretaker but I'm learning to not mother so much.. I love to take care of my guy, love him, pamper him, do things for him , even advise him sometimes BUT ---DAMN IT ANYWAYS... theres no milk coming from these tits-so why should I tap myself out, exhaust myself, become emotionally crippled and loose myself in his pietiful, immature, stubborn, babyish behavior.. I am free, whole, less stressed, I can focus on life and people and me.. He isn't tapping my energy or resources anymore. I do miss him dearly but I don't need the drama..
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Haha. During the last few months of our relationship I used the phrase "I am NOT your mother" WAY too many times. Also "I am NOT your secretary OR your concierge". The annoying thing is is that I don't mind playing the part of the cook, wife, social planner, etc IF I feel like I am being respected and loved for my efforts and my personality. And that he'd be willing to work hard for ME as well. I want to be an equal partner, even if I am somewhat "domestic". Bravo... A true woman... HIS loss not yours... If you lived closer and I knew you irl. I'd say come on girl lets go 'shake our tailfeathers' tonight with my girls. Do a few grape-commikozies
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Bravo... A true woman... HIS loss not yours... If you lived closer and I knew you irl. I'd say come on girl lets go 'shake our tailfeathers' tonight with my girls. Do a few grape-commikozies Sounds rockin to me! What's a grape kamikaze? I'm assuming a drink... but what's it made of?
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Sounds rockin to me! What's a grape kamikaze? I'm assuming a drink... but what's it made of? GRAPE KAMIKAZE 1 oz Vodka \ 1 oz Grape Schnapps . fill sweet sour mix . ice (shake) \ rocks or up (use 1/2 amount of mixes for shots)
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 GRAPE KAMIKAZE 1 oz Vodka \ 1 oz Grape Schnapps . fill sweet sour mix . ice (shake) \ rocks or up (use 1/2 amount of mixes for shots) Interesting... I'm a Long Island Ice Tea girl myself. The best bang for my buck!
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Interesting... I'm a Long Island Ice Tea girl myself. The best bang for my buck! My Pref: Lemoen/Coke Bahama Mamma Tom Collins Baileys/Butterscotch Schnapps Grape Kamikaze Thread Highjack over...
Author KittenMoon Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 My Pref: Lemoen/Coke Bahama Mamma Tom Collins Baileys/Butterscotch Schnapps Grape Kamikaze Thread Highjack over... I started a new thread in the Watercooler about mixed drinks.
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I started a new thread in the Watercooler about mixed drinks. I seen and I was there. I came, I saw, and I posted..
Outcast Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I don't really think it hurts any less.. I don't know. I really thought I met all his wants and needs, so I'm trying to figure out WHAT was missing that made him think there's something better This sounds like a self-confidence issue. When you define it as something 'missing' it means you think you were lacking something. It's not that people are lacking, it's just that they don't mesh right. What ever his highly personal list of 'must-haves' was, you didn't maybe have the things on HIS list but that doesn't mean you don't have the things on the right guy's list.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 This sounds like a self-confidence issue. When you define it as something 'missing' it means you think you were lacking something. It's not that people are lacking, it's just that they don't mesh right. What ever his highly personal list of 'must-haves' was, you didn't maybe have the things on HIS list but that doesn't mean you don't have the things on the right guy's list. And yet, I apparently had "it" for the many years he talked about wanting to marry me, how I was his soul mate, his match, etc etc etc. So maybe I'd like to know what exactly changed, other than the fact he seemed to become entirely apathetic to the people in his life...
the_alchemyst Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Everyone keeps talking about taking a hit to their self-confidence after getting dumped. Like, thinking that no one will ever love them again, etc. I don't get it. Since my ex left, I've actually felt MORE self-confident. I know I'm pretty easy to like, even love. I've actually been angry that someone like my ex left someone like me- I felt like he hit the jackpot with me as much as I did with him... I know I can attract plenty of guys given the chance. What's got me hung up is my adoration of my ex, as a flawed person I loved anyways (even when he was being a jerk, even when he did annoying things just to piss me off), and my fear that I'll never feel so deeply again. So I don't get the lack of confidence thing... thoughts? I was about to post something similar to this, but I'm glad I clicked on this thread instead. You know, Kitten, I have been feeling the same way. Ever since me and my exbf broke up, I didn't feel any less confident. However, I must say that I didn't feel any more confident, either: I felt the same. Sure, I did think that maybe if I hadn't been so boring, then maybe we'd still be together. Yet, to be honest, I've always had this issue with myself, namely because I've never easily made friends, especially with people my age because we just don't see to share the same frame of mind at all. The rupture only rubbed it in, but that's as far as I've gone so far as doubting myself goes. Like you, I wonder: "Why didn't he want me?" Not to bee arrogant or anything, but I really do think that I have many more things going on for myself than he. Yes, he has a charming personality, is funny, outgoing, and so on, but a lot of it is very superficial. His family loved me and even his mother used to tell him, jokingly, "Don't mess this up; you hit the jackpot." And you know what? I think he really did. I am very confident that he will NOT find a better female that I was to him. Yes, he might find someone who's funnier, more outgoing, more "wild," and that likes to party and stuff, but when all of that dies down and he needs support and understanding, he will NOT find anyone better than me. I know that I can find someone else easily. Why? Because I'm likable. I really am. And when you get to know me very well, you'll realize that I'm also quite lovable. I really am. I bet I can find a guy who's smarter, nicer, more mature, more down to earth, more ambitious, more stable, and so on. As I said, he will only find someone funnier, more outgoing, and someone who likes to "partay" and be wild. That's all any girl will have on me, but I think that it really doesn't compare. So, I think I do have the upper hand in finding someone better for myself, while he will have a tough time finding someone for himself. So, I wonder: Why does he not want me? Look at me! How much better can a girl get, seriously? Maybe I do sound arrogant, but I think I am a pretty good catch, thank you very much. He, on the other hand, is okay. And yet look at how I feel: horrible because I miss him. So, why do I miss him? Because, as you nicely put, I loved him with flaws and all (just like he). When I was with him, I never felt as though I was better than him; I really didn't. I felt like we complemented each other SO well, and I loved him so. And I still do. And I know that I will find someone else eventually, but my problem is that I feel that I will never love anyone as much. It's as if I feel that I loved with all the love that I had to give, and that I never will love as much again. Maybe I will find someone better, but I don't think I will find anyone I love more. . . . Why are they so blind?! Look at us!! Ugh. Blind as bats, they are.
Guest Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 How much better can a girl get, seriously? It's *not* about 'better'. It's about whether you match his (possibly wierd, idiosyncratic, or simply exacting) set of 'qualifications'. The mistake people keep making is thinking that 'different' means 'better' or 'worse'. All it means is different. Whatever your men wanted, it was different from who or what you are. And as for them dropping you after some time, all that means is that they were probably in the 'infatuation' stage where people think their SOs are perfect and then got over it.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 And as for them dropping you after some time, all that means is that they were probably in the 'infatuation' stage where people think their SOs are perfect and then got over it. I KNOW the infatuation stage doesn't last 6 years, and that's what I and Alchymest had going for us.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 I know that I can find someone else easily. Why? Because I'm likable. I really am. And when you get to know me very well, you'll realize that I'm also quite lovable. I really am. I bet I can find a guy who's smarter, nicer, more mature, more down to earth, more ambitious, more stable, and so on. As I said, he will only find someone funnier, more outgoing, and someone who likes to "partay" and be wild. That's all any girl will have on me, but I think that it really doesn't compare. So, I think I do have the upper hand in finding someone better for myself, while he will have a tough time finding someone for himself. So, I wonder: Why does he not want me? Look at me! How much better can a girl get, seriously? Maybe I do sound arrogant, but I think I am a pretty good catch, thank you very much. He, on the other hand, is okay. And yet look at how I feel: horrible because I miss him. So, why do I miss him? Because, as you nicely put, I loved him with flaws and all (just like he). When I was with him, I never felt as though I was better than him; I really didn't. I felt like we complemented each other SO well, and I loved him so. And I still do. And I know that I will find someone else eventually, but my problem is that I feel that I will never love anyone as much. It's as if I feel that I loved with all the love that I had to give, and that I never will love as much again. Maybe I will find someone better, but I don't think I will find anyone I love more. You take the words right out of my mouth. I agree with all of this and feel the same more than you can possibly know. If I was a guy or a lesbian, I'd date you Alchymest!
alphamale Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Maybe I do sound arrogant, but I think I am a pretty good catch, thank you very much. He, on the other hand, is okay. most women feel this way, that is why its so hard for them to accept it when a man does not want them any more.
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