Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Hello. I've been dating this guy for about 2.5 years. We started off being the most passionate people I've ever met. We couldn't bare to be apart. Its slowly turned into a more comfortable zone than anything else. He is not only by bf but aslo my best friend. So this is where it gets fuzzy. He and I spend every day together - at least 5 hours. we enjoy eachothers company and we love eachother but Im not sure if love and in love are the same. I do love him and want to be with him hopefully forever - but that passion has drifted. It returns on rare occasions - but for the most part we act as best friends and then are intimate at night. about a week ago we were simply going to a friends house to drink and out of nowhere I decided to ask him if he still loved me. We both had the same answer that we love eachother but its work and we're not sure if its a strong enough love to last forever. I start crying we end up going to dinner and talking instead of our previous plans. I had to leave the next day to help someone move for 2 days. I returned after those two days and couldnt wait to see him. Thinking the entire weekend how I need to simply put more romantic effort into the relationship and it will be fine. - he sits me down and explains he's been thinking over the weekend about our relationship. He needs a break. He wants time to think about our differences in the relationship and see if us getting married later on is something that would be bneneficially for the both of us. I took it very well at the time - saying thats fine and we would have a date at the end of the three week break and discuss what both of us thought. (we've never had a break before by the way). Also - since we both have all the same friends we would still see eachother once in awhile but would not discuss us and just be friends. 2 days of doing this and I ended up changing my opinion of this break - I felt rejected, hurt, and in pain - all I wanted was to be in his arms. I call him and have him explain why we are doing this again and then since we both kept saying we miss eachother - i love you - and so forth - he asked me to come over and cuddle him. I go over thinking exciting the break is going to be over. We made love and cried in eachothers arms - it was passionate, and perfect. I was so thankful to God. Then the next evening when I call him he explains the break is still on that was just a momentary lapse of judgement. I freak out with anger - I just made passionate love to him and yet he questions our relationship. I didnt understand. I was far away at the time and had to drive 2 hours to get back home. So I chain smoke all the way and call my friend erik (who is my other very good friend and my bf housemate). He comes over and drinks with my housemate and I - we play drinking games talked about my problems and then went to bed. It was harmless. but i had a lapse of judgement while throwing up and asked my friend to sleep in the same bed as me just to be there. NOTHING happened. but I know I was in the complete wrong in asking him to do that. then I wake up this morning to my boyfriend opening my door with our friend in the same bed as me. my boyfriend yells "its over!!!" slams my bedroom door then my apartment door and continues to his car. I jumped out of bed screaming his name and proceed to chase him to his car and his then drives to work. I am beyond upset at this point. I drove my friend home. went back to my place and changed and then drove half an hour to his work and parked myself outside in my car next to his car. I call him probably about 8 times since he originally left. I called and cancelled all of my plans for the day and was intending on saying out front all day if I had to - so he would speak to me. He came out about an hour after I arrived and we spoke. he was furious and was taking it like I had sex with him. I did no such thing. I love my boyfriend and just made a mistake. He saw this as cheating and a flaw in my character. which who knows he might be right. I apologized for everything pleeding for another chance. he was in shoke that this had happened. after the loooong talk he agreed to think it over and get back to me when he is ready. I havent heard from him since. I dont have anyone to talk to - my housemate just doesnt understand because shes never been in a relationship and my other good friend is the one i made the mistake with. Hes finally graduating college on saturday and it would break my heart if im not there to support him because he wont let me - just because we're in a nasty fight that might end our relationship. ahhhhh anyway. Im sick with discomfort. I love this man and now more than ever realize this - i have been in a living hell since this break started and dont knwo what to do. how long do I give him space for? a week? a month? 2 months? good lord. I dont know if I can take that. please any advice would be greatly appreciated
willduggan Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 from how it sounds this guy is quick to anger and the way your story plays out it really looks like hes been questioning the relationship for a long time. im really truely sorry that your going through all this drama with someone you felt youd be with for the rest of your life but i need to be honest. this man doesnt seem to be right for or have any interest in being the marrage type. he was the one who wanted the break, which to me says he was too chicken to break up with you and also didnt want to really lose you completly(taking advantage of YOUR feelings so he could get an easy lay...oi some guys) i want you to think about this next part. no human being should have the power to make you feel like complete garbage. if your crying a lot and feel worthless ask yourself if these are the feelings you should have with a potential life mate? yes in every relationship theres arguement but it should NEVER lead to you feeling worthless or unwanted. i know it will be hard but i want you to take a step back from the relationship for a moment and really think about how you want your life to go. do you REALLY want to be with someone who does this to you? goodluck to you in whatever you choose and stay tough! -will
Cecelius Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 YOu can take it a couple of ways -- either your b/f really was taking a little time to figure out whether you two were long term (without just breaking up with you) or was somehow having his cake and eating it too -- either way, sleeping (to some, including me, inviting another man into bed for whatever reason is "somthing" that happened) with the other dude, drunk or not, would, if I were the b/f, put me over the line on where to come out in the relationship. Now he has to realize that no matter what happens in the future there is always the idea that if things aren't going your way as you see it (no dig here -- things weren't exactly as you wanted them) you may exercise poor judgment. In his mind drunk g/f + other guy in bed = well, it doesn't matter that nothing happend -- in your state at the time, you probably wouldn't have been in a position to stop anything. I would assume that it is over and just treat these last couple rough weeks as unfortunate bumps on a road to breaking up.
overseas2004 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 By teh way, I have been chain smoking too. I know it looks bad right now. And no one can tell you what is going to happen. I have seen a couple (me and my bf) have one fight and break up and not get back together after a perfectly blissful relationship. I have seen couples have real meltdowns and get back together and be better than ever. YOu have definately had a bad bad thing happen. But I would not say that there is no recovery from it at all. I also dont claim that you will make up. Unfortunately you will have to chain smoke until you find out. Just kidding. Hey kiddo if you need a friend now write me [email protected]
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 you messed up, & you know that. but he should understand that nothing happened, and when you say that, he should believe you, IF in fact he really does trust you. if it means that much to you, tell him you'll even go as far as taking a polygraph (lie detector) test if he wants you to, just to prove that nothing ever happened. he sounds like he's second guessing the relationship, and maybe it's because he's scared? i don't think that most guys can really embrace love like girls can. girls will grab hold, and never want to let go, whereas some guys (most that i know anyway) think that they need to double guess themselves, just to make sure they're doing the right thing, & that it's really what they want. you need to show him what he's missing out on. treat him better than you treated him when you guys first got together. re-assure him of what you feel for him. whether it be thru phone calls, emails, handwritten letters mailed to his house, text messages, whatever... let him know that you're 110% real about this. maybe that's why he suggested the break in the first place, to give you the opportunity to re-assure him that you REALLY wanted him, and that you were serious about it. i think you owe that to him, now.
overseas2004 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I think that you need to give him time and space to figure out if he wants to be with you. You cant force it. I know that is hard but if its meant to be he isnt going anywhere. You will have more contact with him. I am sure of that. But the more you try to hold on to it, the more it will slip out of your fingers.
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