BlahBlah Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 [sIZE=2]I am at wits in with my MM & I really need some help!!!! a quick review we have been involved for about 3 years,W found out about 1 year into it prior to her knowing our R was very open we went out almost nightly, many over niters, I was introduced to his friends & many of his family members. After W found out he spent year # 2 moving in & out of my house, he would always return to his house "because of his children" <--- the 1st time he told me this I thought of course how hard it would be to leave your children, the 6th time he told me this I thought what a load of BS!!!! Year # 3 we have attempted NC & during one of these attempts his W gets pregnant & as ironic as it is she gives birth to child #3 on MY BIRTHDAY!!!! MM calls me that day & ask me to meet him 4 days later....stupid stupid me I did! Well of course there we are full force once again!!!! Now here I am, the progress I made- ERASED completely! I am sooooo obsessed with him. When he is in my life my every thought is of him. There is no balance & I have explained this to him & he comforts me, pulling me in deeper with the I love you's & you are everything I want, blah, blah I told him last week that I could not do this again, we decided that by 7/4 he would come to a decision & we would peacefully work through whatever we needed to. well screw 7/4 is how I feel right now!!! He has been on vacation this past week with his 2 older daughters & has called me every night & e-mailed me all day everyday....that was until last night when they got home. Then today I reminded him of a cookout that WE were suppose to attend at a friends house this weekend & his response....he thinks he's gonna have to pass! I feel like I am risking my everything while he is protecting his! I am so pisseed that I allowed my heart to open back up to this & step 1 is always so freakin hard!!!! any advice/support would be great. [/sIZE]
movinon05 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 He sounds as wishy washy as my exMM was. Back and forth. As for the 7/4 deadline: We make these deadlines because you want to give him another chance and he needs to buy time. He makes the deadline because he is partly sure in the moment he can leave but still not ready. Nothing is going to change in the next few weeks. Don't put yourself through the anxiety of waiting and wondering if he will actually do this. He's also doing the same thing my exMM did with regard to the children. Children adjust to divorce if their needs are put first. Hell, look at the divorce rate! By going back and forth, he is putting his children through more hell. I'm sure they are very confused and anxious. "When will daddy leave again?" That's a terrible thing to do to children. Either stay or go and allow the children to adjust and heal. He's not helping them. He's thinking only of himself. He needs to shyt or get off the pot. But you need to go NC again and stick to it. You don't need this rollercoaster ride. My rollercoaster went on for 7 years!! Can you picture doing this for 7 years???????? If you're not fed up with this now, you will be!! And you're now wasting your life waiting for this man when you could be getting yourself through NC and realizing that there are single men out there who will treat you much better. You will find happiness. You will find moments of joy that will lead you to the next moments of joy and before you know it, you will see that you are living again. And the pain DOES subside when you finally find life out there. But only YOU can make that happen. And the ONLY way to get to it is NC. Here's my story of how a situation like this can go on forever. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86518/
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Look, you're sharing a man with his wife - You won't be put first over his kids, or wife. I'm sorry - But that is how it is and will be until you finally get OUT of this situation, breakup with him and move on. You keep making choices that hurt you. You have control and a say on how your life goes, so stop playing into his s***. His selfish s***. WHY on earth would he end things with you or his wife??? Think about it! He has TWO women in his life, fulfilling each and every need. What he doesn't get from his wife, he gets from you...What he doesn't get from you, he gets from his wife...Boy, that's real fair. I feel sorry for his wife, and for you, yet it seems both of you are hanging on to a man who has played you BOTH for fools. What are you getting out of it? Is all that pain you're feeling worth it? Is he worth all that energy, so you barely get back what you deserve? NO married man is going to change his ways when he is having his cake and eating it too. He is HAPPY at home, with his wife and kids. And he is happy to have you, the other woman on the sidelines...WHEN he has time for you, that is. HOW long are you gonna DO this to yourself? Therapy will help you cope and get you strong enough so you can end it with him, so please consider finding a therapist to talk to.
RealityCheck Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 He sounds as wishy washy as my exMM was. Back and forth. As for the 7/4 deadline: We make these deadlines because you want to give him another chance and he needs to buy time. He makes the deadline because he is partly sure in the moment he can leave but still not ready. Nothing is going to change in the next few weeks. Don't put yourself through the anxiety of waiting and wondering if he will actually do this. He's also doing the same thing my exMM did with regard to the children. Children adjust to divorce if their needs are put first. Hell, look at the divorce rate! By going back and forth, he is putting his children through more hell. I'm sure they are very confused and anxious. "When will daddy leave again?" That's a terrible thing to do to children. Either stay or go and allow the children to adjust and heal. He's not helping them. He's thinking only of himself. He needs to shyt or get off the pot. But you need to go NC again and stick to it. You don't need this rollercoaster ride. My rollercoaster went on for 7 years!! Can you picture doing this for 7 years???????? If you're not fed up with this now, you will be!! And you're now wasting your life waiting for this man when you could be getting yourself through NC and realizing that there are single men out there who will treat you much better. You will find happiness. You will find moments of joy that will lead you to the next moments of joy and before you know it, you will see that you are living again. And the pain DOES subside when you finally find life out there. But only YOU can make that happen. And the ONLY way to get to it is NC. Here's my story of how a situation like this can go on forever. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86518/ I so agree with MO on her views in regard to the children! Because his mind space is such a mess, does not give him the right to drag his children on his emotional disfunction. Its bad enough to put grown adults through this war, let alone children! Grrrrrrrr....... I would definately call him on that issue, that's for sure!
Author BlahBlah Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Thank you guys for your reply I agree 100% about his children while in the beginning I believed that he was doing what he thought was in the best interest for his children now he is using them as an escape. I know that I need to walk away, I do know that! but its hard. I have such a connection with him, but the the lies are takings their toll on this R I have come to the point that I cant control my emotions & have acted CRAZY.....I have been physically abusive to him, I went so far one night to key his car.....I am 26yrs old & never in my wildest dreams would I have EVER done such a thing!!!! He has just screwed me soooo bad emotionally that I cant get a grasp on things.I have shared so much of me with him!!! It kills me to just let that go!!!!! I love this man for all of his good......he does have good. Its all the lies & BS that make him impossible. The thing about it is I know that when we arent together he doesnt go home & make happy with his W, he spends night after night at bars...as silly as this sounds that pisses me off!!! If he isnt with me he should be at home bonding with his W & C!!!! Not off playing around. I feel like I was betrayed in the worst of ways!!!! The concept of NC is so simple.
RealityCheck Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Thank you guys for your reply I agree 100% about his children while in the beginning I believed that he was doing what he thought was in the best interest for his children now he is using them as an escape. I know that I need to walk away, I do know that! but its hard. I have such a connection with him, but the the lies are takings their toll on this R I have come to the point that I cant control my emotions & have acted CRAZY.....I have been physically abusive to him, I went so far one night to key his car.....I am 26yrs old & never in my wildest dreams would I have EVER done such a thing!!!! He has just screwed me soooo bad emotionally that I cant get a grasp on things.I have shared so much of me with him!!! It kills me to just let that go!!!!! I love this man for all of his good......he does have good. Its all the lies & BS that make him impossible. The thing about it is I know that when we arent together he doesnt go home & make happy with his W, he spends night after night at bars...as silly as this sounds that pisses me off!!! If he isnt with me he should be at home bonding with his W & C!!!! Not off playing around. I feel like I was betrayed in the worst of ways!!!! The concept of NC is so simple. WHOE!! At 26 I was having the time of my life!!! Gee girlfriend, you have the world at your finger tips right now! Go have some fun!! Don't get me wrong, you will be affected going NC no doubt about it! Just don't put your life on hold because of him!!!
Author BlahBlah Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Your right 26 is a great age!! although I am still young I feel like I have pissed away my youth with this man! All very frustrating!!!!!!! It is such a horrible feeling to feel like you have loved with everything in you & given everything you have.....& end up with nothing!
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 It is such a horrible feeling to feel like you have loved with everything in you & given everything you have.....& end up with nothing! I hate to say it, and this isn't a personal thing against you - But it's the reality of being the OW and being with a MM. You won't get back what you put in, ever. It's just part of how that type of relationship is. Yeah, it is a relationship, but not a normal one. I've read and replied to MANY posts in this section and what I find almost similar about all OW is, how much they give and want back - The mind knows it's not a typical relationship, but the heart doesn't. It isn't enough and that's why you all get so hurt. Sharing a man with someone else must be really painful.
RealityCheck Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Your right 26 is a great age!! although I am still young I feel like I have pissed away my youth with this man! All very frustrating!!!!!!! It is such a horrible feeling to feel like you have loved with everything in you & given everything you have.....& end up with nothing! Gee honey.... At 26, I don't believe you have pissed your life away quite yet! Your young enough to have many great years ahead! Chalk it up to experience. That's all you can do!
movinon05 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Well that is exactly why I wanted you to look at my situation which was 7 years!! I'm 46. You do have your whole life ahead of you. I've got 20 years less than you and 7 of them feel like they were wasted. No one ever said NC is easy, but that is the only way to stop being an OW, whether he leaves her or not. And that is the only way to get your freedom back and find someone you deserve. Do you want to continue like this, then be 33 and still stuck in this same boat? Time is marching on! And it flies by without you even noticing it until its almost too late.
zarathustra Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Thank you guys for your reply I agree 100% about his children while in the beginning I believed that he was doing what he thought was in the best interest for his children now he is using them as an escape. I know that I need to walk away, I do know that! but its hard. I have such a connection with him, but the the lies are takings their toll on this R I have come to the point that I cant control my emotions & have acted CRAZY.....I have been physically abusive to him, I went so far one night to key his car.....I am 26yrs old & never in my wildest dreams would I have EVER done such a thing!!!! He has just screwed me soooo bad emotionally that I cant get a grasp on things.I have shared so much of me with him!!! It kills me to just let that go!!!!! I love this man for all of his good......he does have good. Its all the lies & BS that make him impossible. The thing about it is I know that when we arent together he doesnt go home & make happy with his W, he spends night after night at bars...as silly as this sounds that pisses me off!!! If he isnt with me he should be at home bonding with his W & C!!!! Not off playing around. I feel like I was betrayed in the worst of ways!!!! The concept of NC is so simple. my xMM left his wife to be with me because he was in love with me and he didn't want to have his children grow up in a family where their parents were loveless... Then he went home because of his children and that he thinks that he can live in a love filled relationship with his wife. Whatever, he f***ed up his children's lives, his wife, and me when he could have dealt with his issues all on his own without hurting so many. You know what that trait is called? its called selfishness. These men are sick... Get out get out get out!!! Yours take the cake, though, going to bars and stuff doesn't build a marriage, it destroys it... you should be pissed. He's lied to you left, right and center. No matter what, don't dwell on those nice things you are talking of. Reality is, he isn't nice. He isn't good and definitely not good enough for you! Do you want to have someone who treats his family like that? His kids are his flesh and blood! He treats them like crap. What makes you think he can treat you better?
Author BlahBlah Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 you all are so right. I have revolved my life around him & his ins & outs for far too long. All because I feel like that this man is or was the man for me. I am being cheated not only by him, but I am cheating myself! The mind knows it's not a typical relationship, but the heart doesn't Thats the problem! In my mind its black & white then my heart jumps in with an overload of new feelings that this man brought to me. It is so f-in hurtful. I am so tired of the poor me song!!!! I need a fool proof method!!to get out & stay out!
Author BlahBlah Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Thing is I know all of the wrong that he is done & that is so easy to type out. Its the feelings that catch me & hold me here! I want him so bad I want him to fullfill all of his promises I want him to be the man he told me & showed me that he was! I want that so bad that its hard to walk away in fear that he may show up. I dont want to lose this love, I dont. I dont want to lose the good man I know! I dont know how to turn it off. even with all the crap I cant just turn it off......I cant explain why! I want to think & hope that it will all change.
RealityCheck Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Thing is I know all of the wrong that he is done & that is so easy to type out. Its the feelings that catch me & hold me here! I want him so bad I want him to fullfill all of his promises I want him to be the man he told me & showed me that he was! I want that so bad that its hard to walk away in fear that he may show up. I dont want to lose this love, I dont. I dont want to lose the good man I know! I dont know how to turn it off. even with all the crap I cant just turn it off......I cant explain why! I want to think & hope that it will all change. Your not alone in your feelings. You must remember in an A, you both get the best out of each other without all the daily responsibilities. It always feels like the "fairytale". No you can't just turn off your feelings! Not possible! Its a process. We do tend to cling on to "hope" and that's okay, but just don't loose sight of the reality and what you WANT to become real. Two people have to be in agreement to make that happen. You will find it very difficult and we all validate those emotions. I guess the only thing I can suggest, is push yourself to see other people while you are in NC. Just do it!!! Don't make him the centre of your world. He definately has not made you his! Give only of yourself that you get in return. He does not deserve to have you whole heartedly. Now pick up that phone and call a few friends, go out and have a good time!!!
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I want him so bad I want him to fullfill all of his promises I want him to be the man he told me & showed me that he was! I want that so bad that its hard to walk away in fear that he may show up. I dont want to lose this love, I dont. I dont want to lose the good man I know! I dont know how to turn it off. even with all the crap I cant just turn it off......I cant explain why! I want to think & hope that it will all change. Stop fooling yourself and stop listening to your heart...Start thinking. He is married. He has a wife. He isn't going to give you what you want. He isn't a "good" man, if he is keeping you around, leading you on, allowing you to get your hopes up when he has NO INTENTION of ending his marriage. He isn't a "good" man because he's making promises to you he can't keep. He's making those promises in the heat of the moment, when he knows that none of it is ever going to happen... Please see this. You really need to take a huge step back, take the blinders off and see the full picture. You are wasting your life waiting for a man who isn't ever going to leave his wife. If you want him in your life - Then be prepared to be the OW forever. Is that enough for you? Is that what you want for yourself? To be second or third on his list of priorities? Please, get some therapy to help you get stronger so you can leave him. He isn't going to end it with you because he's loving having his cake and eating it too. I'm sure he DOES care for you alot, but not enough to end it with his wife and be with you...Bottom line, that is what it comes down to. You deserve better than that, yet you don't believe it.(yet)
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 i am the ow adn i have been for a year and a half. when i first met him his was not living at home he was living with a friend bc the wife had kicked him out for the 3rd time. so we started hanging out. next thing you know we fell in love. then he moved back in bc she was going to school and they had no one else to watch the kids. everyday we fellmore in love with eachother adn he became the man of my dreams. we spent every night together. he was wonderful and he still is. well a yr adn a half later we just ended it bc they bought a new house bc they lived in her parents house and they were coming home...and he wouldnt leave yet bc she still had a year left of school...so we had to say goodbye and i have never hurt so much before in my life until now...he didnt want to let me go he told me that he has never loved anyone even her,the way he loves me adn that he will never let me go and he will always fight for me and once he finshed doing everything that he has to take care of that he will come back to be with me.sooooo thats where i am at now adn i cant stand they way i feel we havnt talked in 3 days and i feel like im missing a part of me..but i realized that if i kept staying he wouldnt have a reason to leave..so i had to do it for me and my sanity...now i question wethere or not he will come back to be with me or not????
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 i am the ow adn i have been for a year and a half. when i first met him his was not living at home he was living with a friend bc the wife had kicked him out for the 3rd time. so we started hanging out. next thing you know we fell in love. then he moved back in bc she was going to school and they had no one else to watch the kids. everyday we fellmore in love with eachother adn he became the man of my dreams. we spent every night together. he was wonderful and he still is. well a yr adn a half later we just ended it bc they bought a new house bc they lived in her parents house and they were coming home...and he wouldnt leave yet bc she still had a year left of school...so we had to say goodbye and i have never hurt so much before in my life until now...he didnt want to let me go he told me that he has never loved anyone even her,the way he loves me adn that he will never let me go and he will always fight for me and once he finshed doing everything that he has to take care of that he will come back to be with me.sooooo thats where i am at now adn i cant stand they way i feel we havnt talked in 3 days and i feel like im missing a part of me..but i realized that if i kept staying he wouldnt have a reason to leave..so i had to do it for me and my sanity...now i question wethere or not he will come back to be with me or not???? Oh be rest assured he'll be back!!! They always come back! Now whether it will live up to your expectations that's another story. Truth is, its all about what you want! For me, I'm fine with my A arrangement. I too have the best of both worlds. I am not married and am not looking for a committed relationship. My life is very busy, but I do like ONE man to set me on fire and he happens to to that for me. He has the best of both worlds as well. He stays in his marriage and lives up to my needs. It works. That's my situation. So I'm fine with it! I am not sure if you want him in a committed sense, but if you do, perhaps you should re-evaluate your time with or without him. Good Luck.
zarathustra Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 i am the ow adn i have been for a year and a half. when i first met him his was not living at home he was living with a friend bc the wife had kicked him out for the 3rd time. so we started hanging out. next thing you know we fell in love. then he moved back in bc she was going to school and they had no one else to watch the kids. everyday we fellmore in love with eachother adn he became the man of my dreams. we spent every night together. he was wonderful and he still is. well a yr adn a half later we just ended it bc they bought a new house bc they lived in her parents house and they were coming home...and he wouldnt leave yet bc she still had a year left of school...so we had to say goodbye and i have never hurt so much before in my life until now...he didnt want to let me go he told me that he has never loved anyone even her,the way he loves me adn that he will never let me go and he will always fight for me and once he finshed doing everything that he has to take care of that he will come back to be with me.sooooo thats where i am at now adn i cant stand they way i feel we havnt talked in 3 days and i feel like im missing a part of me..but i realized that if i kept staying he wouldnt have a reason to leave..so i had to do it for me and my sanity...now i question wethere or not he will come back to be with me or not???? I know how there is this big void in the core of your being. Sometimes I feel it still and its been a while since my xMM and I split. I still see mine everyday and there are still days when I would rather be run over by a truck than to feel like having him around each day as a reminder of him being lost to me. Its hard... I know... and I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. My xMM tells me he cares about me still and that the just that he can't care about me the way he used to. Gee I'm really glad (sarcasm intended)... I don't know if he cared enough to tell me the truth about going home and attempting reconciliation behind my back and waiting until after I signed a contract to stick around for another year to tell me so I can't leave. Guess I'm lucky that he can't care about me that way anymore. He's selfish and if I could kick his ass, I would. He even said that he deserved it and that he wouldn't fight back. Whatever. All I have to say is don't hold your breath waiting. If he loves you, he will make himself available to you. Until then he's not worth it because you deserve more than this.
RealityCheck Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I know how there is this big void in the core of your being. Sometimes I feel it still and its been a while since my xMM and I split. I still see mine everyday and there are still days when I would rather be run over by a truck than to feel like having him around each day as a reminder of him being lost to me. Its hard... I know... and I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. My xMM tells me he cares about me still and that the just that he can't care about me the way he used to. Gee I'm really glad (sarcasm intended)... I don't know if he cared enough to tell me the truth about going home and attempting reconciliation behind my back and waiting until after I signed a contract to stick around for another year to tell me so I can't leave. Guess I'm lucky that he can't care about me that way anymore. He's selfish and if I could kick his ass, I would. He even said that he deserved it and that he wouldn't fight back. Whatever. All I have to say is don't hold your breath waiting. If he loves you, he will make himself available to you. Until then he's not worth it because you deserve more than this. Zara.. Your experience is so terribly painful. Honestly I feel for you. The fact that he left his wife you left your husband and you two lived with each other for a short time only to have him move back! I CAN'T IMAGINE how devastated you must have been. Now you have to work with the shmuck!! If you need someone to help you kick his ass, I'M THERE! BIG HUGS.....SMOOOOCH
zarathustra Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Zara.. Your experience is so terribly painful. Honestly I feel for you. The fact that he left his wife you left your husband and you two lived with each other for a short time only to have him move back! I CAN'T IMAGINE how devastated you must have been. Now you have to work with the shmuck!! If you need someone to help you kick his ass, I'M THERE! BIG HUGS.....SMOOOOCH smoooch!! made me cry again today. I hate it.
Author BlahBlah Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 You all are so right He isnt good, well isnt good enough for ME!!! I decided to go NC today I explained to him my side of the relationship & of course came the BS after several of his calls I decided to call back & wooops the W answered she knows my # & about the affair but not at the moment so now the cats out of the bag AGAIN I am sure he is madder than hell I did not call W purposly but was not going to take the heat when she answered all i keep thinking was now is his easy way out....everything is out & i havent heard a word from him.....go figure! so I guess that is answer enough here goes NC be prepared I need A LOT of support!!!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Are you not supposed to call him at home? And you did anyway? Don't take this the wrong way, but is it possible that without thinking it through, you did this SO he would react? Maybe hope that she would find out, kick him out and then he'd be with you? I'm not saying you did that, I just find it weird that you'd do that, knowing there was a chance she would answer... I'm sure he's mad. Be prepared for the fallout, especially if he says goodbye. Though that would be a good thing, cuz then you'd be free of him and all the pain you're in.
Author BlahBlah Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 I called his cell phone & it was within mins of the time he usually leaves work so I thought he would be on his drive home & we could have a real conversation rather than the 1/2 ass ones we have while he is at work. Oh I am sure a blow out is well on its way!!! & W knows well has known for the past 3 years so her knowing isnt that big of a deal.....just not expected!!!
Sinistervixen Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I came her in search of help and now i feel like my puny little three months is nothing...and that i have no right to even speak here.
babydoll_mimi Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Sinister: Hon there's no time limit...some of the people who post here are barely entering/comtemplating an A, while others have had one going on for a few months, or 7 yrs! You're more than welcome to post and ask for/give advice!
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