riobikini Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Posters, what are your thoughts on those who say they are 'in love', (and are 'sure' about it) or propose within days or weeks of meeting someone? (Personal curiosity -and the availability of more responses on the subject- is what's driving the subject.) I seem to attract those kinds of (I believe>) emotionally vulnerable people quite frequently, and I'd like to compare some of my own experiences with those of others. -Rio
kitten chick Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Do you think that they really mean it or do you think that they're just saying it to get something that they want?
Outcast Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Two things are in operation at the beginning of a relationship. The first is the whole set of chemicals that our bodies get charged up with which are designed to make us mate. They increase our sense of happiness, impair our thinking and do some other pretty wierd things to us. Secondly, we are victims of hope. We want to find 'the one'. We have been flooded with popular culture which persuades us that love in five minutes is not only possible, but true. So when, as is normal when we first meet anyone, we see the good in them, extrapolate the good we see to their entire personalities, and convince ourselves we know them well enough to state 'this person is everything I ever wanted'. Two outcomes are possible: either we lucked into getting a chemical hit from someone we are actually compatible with and we two will go on to love each other very much or else as we get to know one another, the fac that the other person is not actually 'everything we ever wanted' becomes clear and we 'fall out of love'.
bonny doon Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Rio, I would also argue that these aren't emotionally vulnerable people but just overly ... dramatic, shall we say. I would say that I don't fall into the "rush-into-things" category, but I am emotionally vulnerable. Does it scare you when people start professing their love right away? Does it scare you away? It does me. But I just realized that I'm too emotionally vulnerable to handle dating. To be honest, every time somebody shows an interest in me and then backs off suddenly (whether it be one week, one month later) it really, really hurts me. I don't know why these rejections have got me so low but they do ... anyway, enough of that, back to you ... has life/love hardened you? i feel a sense of darkness. it's kind of sad. thanks for listening. want to hear your thoughts. guys tend to do the same to me (see my post on flaky people). i wish i weren't so emotionally vulnerable. i wish i could take rejections easily.
jerbear Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I have not proposed to anyone within weeks (under 52 weeks I presume?) or days of knowing someone so this may not fit your original post. After the first few weeks (about 3-6 months) I usually know if she is a keeper as in potential wifey material. I personally have used those words to get what I want, HER; because, I was afraid of losing her. I was even willing to back it up with actions and shiny sparkling rings. It is the rejection that I usually kills me, makes me back off, drift, then move on. One ex rejected me and I backed off for a few days, drifted with her doing more work, LC, then NC. She called because she was upset yet didn't want to move to that stage due to commitment levels.
Lonestar Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 They're in lust, not in love. Love takes time. I don't care who you are. Lust is immediate, but some people can't tell the difference. There's nothing wrong with that.
Bullgator Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Sorry for the novel, but I found this to be a very thought-provoking question. In the extreme case -- proposing immediately or telling you they love you on the first date -- I would suspect either some psychopathology or some hidden agenda may be at work. But it may be difficult to know where "normal" ends and "pathologic" begins. I think the range of normal is very broad, and depends primarily on temperament. Generally, the more introverted and deliberate a person is, the longer it will take to develop confidence in the judgement that this is "the one". The more extraverted and impulsive among us would go through that process much quicker. Two impulsive extraverts may find themselves in love and married within weeks or months. Would this be a lasting and satisfying marriage for both partners? Perhaps, perhaps not. It would make an interesting study. In contrast, two deliberate introverts may court or date for many years before they feel they truly know and are known by their significant other. Intuitively it seems to me that these marriages would ultimately be stronger, but again I'm not aware of any data to support that. Just the fact that you have raised the question tells me that you are more introverted and deliberate than your potential suitors. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. It probably means you're a good catch !!
paige367 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I just went thru this. I met a wonderful man and feel immediately in love and "sure" about it and he was too. With in 2 months we were engaged and picking out cakes. All my friends said it was fast but when it's right it's right. Within 6 months we were arguing incessantly and having a very difficult time. I was devestated when we decided to split even though I was miserable within the relationship. I think he latched onto me because he wanted someone to take care of him. When I wouldn't comply immediately we started having problems. I'll never let things move that fast again. You have to know someone pretty well to know if you'll be able to live with them forever and weather life's storms.
timidity99 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 On average the infatuation stage of a relationship lasts 6 months. Some shorter, some longer.
Outcast Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 All my friends said it was fast but when it's right it's right. Exactly. You can be ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that it's 'right' at one point and still be in a relationship that's going to crash and burn. And the reason is that you're making that determination that it's 'right' without enough information. It takes three to six months to become competent at a job yet people think they can get to know other humans very well in a couple weeks or months - and humans are way more complicated!
Marlien Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I've been caught in this situation. Actually, I'm still in the relationship, wondering what to do, as I feel trapped. I met him, spoke for less than an hour, and he asked for my email address. Two days later, before we even got to know much of anything about eachother, he was "in love". It was fine for me at first, I must admit, I had a small crush, and I had never had a boyfriend before. But it wasn't love, like his. My affection has dwindled, and my emotional health has fallen in unison with it. I want to end this, but he was never given much love or attention before, and seems to hint at ending his life. It's pretty frustrating. He even wants to move in with me within a year, despite my plans. If I've learned anything from this, it's that you should get to know someone better before letting anything like this happen. And if you do fall into this unfortunate trap, it's best to end things before they get too attached. He's become codependent, and it's not good for either of us.
Buttaflyy Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Some folks are just in love with love Or what they percieve love to be. I don't beleive in love at first sight. First it's called lust and infatuation. After that wears off if you still have good communication and a few things in common you may stay together long enough for love to develop. The time it takes to reach these stages differ between different people. But I don't believe it can all happen within a span of a few weeks. Just my thoughts.
Author riobikini Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 re: KittenChick: "Do you think that they really mean it or do you think that they're just saying it to get something that they want?" KC, it's always about what they want -at least, I believe, what they *think* they want...for a little while. I think they only *believe* it *in* the moment. re: Bonnydoon: "Rio, I would also argue that these aren't emotionally vulnerable people but just overly ... dramatic, shall we say. I would say that I don't fall into the "rush-into-things" category, but I am emotionally vulnerable. Does it scare you when people start professing their love right away? Does it scare you away? It does me. " People who rush to this level, spouting words, expressing emotions, and making lifeplans right away- do give me plenty of reason to step back and look at them from a distance. It forces me to do a complete re-eval on everything I *thought* I knew about them. Most of my experience with this has been that these folks *look* and *sound* like very grounded, intelligent people, who have everything 'together', so to speak. I look for those things in a partner. I look for strength in every aspect of their personality and great stability in their life. If these things are there -and this head-overheels-in-love approach presents itself early on, I know there's, likely, a serious underlying problem that weakens the integrity and long-term potential of what I'm looking for. And the mere fact they *look* 'normal' is, indeed, scarey. re: Bullgator: "In contrast, two deliberate introverts may court or date for many years before they feel they truly know and are known by their significant other. Intuitively it seems to me that these marriages would ultimately be stronger, but again I'm not aware of any data to support that. Just the fact that you have raised the question tells me that you are more introverted and deliberate than your potential suitors. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. It probably means you're a good catch !! " (Smile) The part where you say "...may court or date for years.. " makes me think of several who have kept their 'hat' in the ring for years -one in particular- whom I met about a year after my second husband's death many years ago. He checks in once a year with the same question " Will you marry me, now?" And he's serious. It's gone on, once a year, since 1990. He's not by himself, -there's two more doing the same thing, but I'd never tell them they have 'competition'. (Smile) Truth is, I feel only deep friendship for any one of them. And I think, deep down, they know that, but are hoping. The reason I've started this thread, asking this question, is that there is this new person I've met, who is, after only a short few months, urging conversation about marriage. He wants to. I am like a stone that forty mules could not drag out of a soggy bottom. I *do not* have *enough information* to make that move. I have to *know* that certain feelings are present and growing, before I jump on that train. But he's sweet and kind and intelligent. Still, that's not enough for me. So it boils down to the same kind of situation I have frequently run into with relationships: *he* shows up being the one who has the hidden emotional problems, and *I* wind up trying to fix them. And that's not acceptable to me. I'm not going any further with this (with him) than lying there embedded like that stone I mentioned, until a pack of mules show up to release me. (Smile) I'm tired of being the 'fixer' in a relationship, -it makes me yearn for the kind of relationship I had with my second husband, where we *both* were strong emotionally and in many things, and formed a very good yoke because of it. But all I get now, are these 'moths' that gravitate to my strength and wind up being emotionally overly-sensitive, unstable, burdens. Look, I feel there is nothing wrong with heavy romance (I'm extremely romantic), -but I don't like totally exiting from reality and abandoning responsibility to enter into a serious relationship that only amounts to a lusty affair. Responses welcomed. (And, by the way, -thank you all for your posts thus far.) -Rio
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 My first thought and only thought: CO-DEPENDENCY then what came to mind was: insecure with self is needy is desperate to be wanted, needed and loved. projection of what one wants for themselves. 'do undo others as you want done to you'
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I don't think I could love someone immediately. I don't think I ever have. In fact, if I'm dating someone, they can tell me they love me however fast they want to... I won't say it back until I really feel it. However, it doesn't "scare me." In fact, I respect it, because they are telling me how they feel. The only time I'll "leave" or "back away" is when I feel that they aren't being sincere, or that they are just telling me that to get what they want.
Author riobikini Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Pada, *you are right*. That's what I normally discover about the men in these particular situations. They all have one thing in common: they're all like loose cannonballs, carrying their hearts and emotions, and undealt-with baggage from other failed relationships on their sleeves. And they desperately want you (I) to be the *one* to 'fix' it all for them. They take any 'mistake' you may make to heart, eye it with resentment and caution -and they store this, developing it into later resentment. They are also more likely to be harboring overwhelming capacity for jealousy. They want romance, -total romance- and barely even look in on the real world of everyday responsibility. It's like they run from it. But they still manage to appear normal. Until you get to know them better. -Rio
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Pada, *you are right*. That's what I normally discover about the men in these particular situations. They all have one thing in common: they're all like loose cannonballs, carrying their hearts and emotions, and undealt-with baggage from other failed relationships on their sleeves. And they desperately want you (I) to be the *one* to 'fix' it all for them. They take any 'mistake' you may make to heart, eye it with resentment and caution -and they store this, developing it into later resentment. They are also more likely to be harboring overwhelming capacity for jealousy. They want romance, -total romance- and barely even look in on the real world of everyday responsibility. It's like they run from it. But they still manage to appear normal. Until you get to know them better. -Rio eloquently put..
2020vision Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 But they still manage to appear normal. Until you get to know them better. That is EXACTLY the problem with "them". My ex was like this. Saying he loved me within two weeks, said phrases like "Promise you will marry me" within a couple of months. All a bunch of crap. Bottom line, there is something wrong with a person like this. Huge red flag. After me, he moved in with his newest victim (as I like to call her.. <<Smiling>>) after only 4 months of knowing her.... But somehow, they make it sound like they are normal, making you think that the situation is "special"....how is it exactly that they still can appear normal? Or perhaps they only seem normal because the "blinders" are on...
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 But somehow, they make it sound like they are normal, making you think that the situation is "special"....how is it exactly that they still can appear normal? Or perhaps they only seem normal because the "blinders" are on... Bird of a feather flock together.. Two peas in a pod.. They both are doing the same thing. Trying to fill what is desperatly missing. When it blows up it will be a huge blow up and a mess that will only increase this dysfunction..
2020vision Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Water seeks its own level. He is and always has been a train wreck waiting to happen. Glad I got out of his life. I have just come to the conclusion that he loves drama, because he constantly he sets up his life to be full of it.
basscatcher Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Water seeks its own level. He is and always has been a train wreck waiting to happen. Glad I got out of his life. I have just come to the conclusion that he loves drama, because he constantly he sets up his life to be full of it. Wash your hands better and cleanse your mind..
2sunny Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I believe that you need to see how someone reacts (not their words) to tons of different situations in life for me to understand if I care about them. It is their reaction that determines my feelings, one way or the other. So, considering this, it takes me a long time to come to a conclusion about the love issue... it only seems logical to go that route. However, for me to even give it a chance from the beginning - there needs to be a number of things that initially attract me to a particular person... I seem to get the needy - and needing fixed - types as well... I hate it now - life is too short! I feel like telling them "go fix everything yourself - then come back when you are a good thing for me" In the meantime - I spend time with the better choices especially because even if I figure I care deeply about anyone, it doesn't mean I will marry them...
alphamale Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I seem to attract those kinds of (I believe>) emotionally vulnerable people quite frequently, and I'd like to compare some of my own experiences with those of others. I'd estimate that 90% of men are like this with women. The are impatient and desperate and fall head over heels when they meet a beautiful women. These guys are morons and have no self-control. If they can "fall in love" with a particular woman in two weeks then they can do the same with any woman. They are needy and emotionally immature and should be wiped of the face of the earth
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 If they can "fall in love" with a particular woman in two weeks then they can do the same with any woman But, they aren't "inlove" they're infacuated, inlust and inlove with the IDEA of being inlove. Sure, the feelings FEEL like love, intense emotions and lust are easy to confuse. Love is long term, love is acceptance, love is compromise and not based on fantasy or putting the other person on a pedistool.
2020vision Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I'd estimate that 90% of men are like this with women. The are impatient and desperate and fall head over heels when they meet a beautiful women. These guys are morons and have no self-control. If they can "fall in love" with a particular woman in two weeks then they can do the same with any woman. They are needy and emotionally immature and should be wiped of the face of the earth LMAO! I can point you in the right direction of the first candidate!!
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