sickinside Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I found out my husband cheated on me over a year ago. This has completly consumed and destroyed my life. It has taken over my life and I don't know how to let go. We will be divorced soon(he left me for the other women) and I am scared to death. I feel very small and weak. Everyone tells me how to deal with this but thet haven't been through it. Thought this would be a good place to come and get some support.
johnlucas Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 sickinside, this is my offering to help you deal with this crisis. Others have their ways but this is mine. A post I made called "The 3 Billion Rule (3,000,000,000)" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t89191/?highlight=johnlucas Remember that man was just One out of Three Billion. Your odds of finding a man to properly love & cherish you are immensely greater. More immense than you can imagine. That post I linked will explain to you just what 3 Billion is. And never forget it is YOUR RIGHT to be loved & cared for. That is a UNIVERSAL HUMAN RIGHT Fight for your rights. And party. John Lucas
Author sickinside Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Thanks for that John. My big problem is thay 1 in 3 billion is stuck in my life forever. We have a 3 year old son.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I'm sorry that your husband cheated and left you for another woman. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Please, believe that. It was HIS choice to cheat. You didn't drive him to do that. Finding a therapist to help you cope through this is a start. Also, talk to your friends and family. They'll support you as much as possible.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Sickinside, welcome to LS! You will find lots of support here from women who have gone through the same or similar experiences! I personally have not, but I offer my support anyways!! You can come here and vent any time you need to and we will listen and offer our advice and encouragement! Unfortunately many women go through infidelity with their spouses, you are not alone by far! Don't ever blame yourself. Life takes rough turns sometimes and though unfair, it isn't impossible to move on with your life. You have your son who will love you unconditionally no matter what! Children can offer lots of love when in time of need.
Author sickinside Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 I am seeing a therapist presently. My family and friends are at their wits end with all of this. Their best advice is to just get over it and move on. That is why I am here because I feel like I have nowhere to turn and noone understands the devastation I feel
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Yeah, nice advice by your family and friends. "get over it and move on!" haha. That's not helpful at all! Well, sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but you've come to the right place. There are many people who can help you through this.
Author sickinside Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Can anyone tell me when the obsessive thoughts about this affair will go away? It is completely out in the open, My son is now exposed to it and I can't let go. I rehash things everyday. I want to make sense of it.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 just get over it and move on. s***! So THAT's what I was doing so wrong! Of course! Stupid me! Gawd, if only it were that easy. People who haven't been through this really can't understand. I don't know if this will help you, but it certainly helped me. I'd been messed up over XW's serial infidelity for about two years when this hit me. I realized that I'd reached the age of 31 without anything really bad happening to me. I'd never lost a parent, sibling, child, close friend, or love (my grandparents had all died by the time I was 5, so I'd been too young to grieve for them). My parents were still married. I'd never lost a job or been unemployed for long, or living in poverty. I'd never been addicted to anything or been seriously ill. Hell, I'd never even broken a bone. I looked about at the people in my life, and I couldn't think of any that had been as lucky as me. Maybe that's why XW's infidelity and the divorce hit me like they did -- I'd never experienced anything really bad, and I hadn't had to be toughened as a result. It occurred to me that it's impossible to get through life without bad things happening. Eventually, we're all going to lose people we love. Sooner or later most of us will get seriously ill with something. And eventually, we'll all die. Life, as we know, is a terminal condition. All of this helped me accept something: as far as "bad things" go, it was simply MY TURN. This didn't absolve XW for what she did to me, or make it "okay". But it did help me to accept that what happened was, partly, just about me and my life, and the things we'll all go through eventually. And my state of mind since realizing this has been much, much better as a result. Hope this helps.
Chump64 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 This is the hard part: No one can "tell" you how to move on. You have to figure it out all by yourself. No one can really help you, either, other than a therapist who can help you clarify your thoughts. This has been the hardest part for me. (I'm in the same situation as you only we're trying to work things out.) I don't know if I can "move on." I don't know if I can forgive (forgetting is out of the question). I don't know if I can live with all the hurt and betrayal, and no one can help me figure this out. Same for you. You just have to work through it. Isn't that frustrating as hell to hear?! I guess my only advice is to continue with therapy, read a few good books ("How can I forgive you?" is a good one -- and it's not only for couples who are reconciling, it's also about moving on), and take care of yourself. Do you see any signs of depression? Don't be afraid to consider trying an anti depressant. Time will help too, but if you are impatient like me, that's frustrating to hear as well. I wish your family could be more supportive.
Trimmer Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Hey, sickinside... nice to meet you, in that twisted sort of way... My wife dumped me just almost exactly one year ago; we have two kids, 7 and 9 now. I wasn't sure how I would be able to live. I couldn't even imagine a vision of what my life would be like, or how I could be a father without my wife in the picture. I was scared, and that made me angry, and I felt like I was going to implode. Like the other posters are saying, no one can tell you exactly how long it will take, or exactly what the single specific recipe is to get through it all. But I think one thing a lot of us will agree upon is that we remember just how rotten, low, awful, agonizing it was at the beginning, and that it does get better. Can you tell us a little more? How old are the two of you and how long were you married? Was the cheating over a year ago, and you just found out recently? Or have you known for a significant amount of time? Are you physically safe, financially stable? How is your son doing in general, now that this is all out and exposed? And how do you feel about your role as mother? Is his father staying constructively engaged in his life, or has he kind of withdrawn from that? (I'm big on kids and divorce - "there he goes again!" ) Oh - that was my other question, tell us generally how your therapy seems to you. Does it seem to be helping; does it feel good to be able to go and dump your thoughts and stuff? It's been a great thing for me, and I highly recommend it, but I recognize that it can depend on having a good match between therapist and client... You are not alone; you don't have to just suck it up and "get over it" (boy, isn't that advice lame?) Even if you may never determine "why" he did what he did, you can still work through it and learn to grieve your loss and find some acceptance and peace. There are a number of us here who can understand and empathize, from personal experience. A lot of questions, I know, but I'm trying to draw you out a little bit so we can learn the big picture about you. If you are ready to spill it, answer some of these questions for us, and fill us in on the details - especially the timing and how your feelings have evolved over the past weeks and months. The more we know about your situation, the more we can offer.
Bangles Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I agree that it takes everyone different amounts of time to work through the grieving stage of a situation like this. I am still in the "shock" stage of finding out about the OW. I keep going over it all trying to figure out why I didn't know sooner, what was I doing wrong, why didn't I see something, on and on til my head feels like it's gonna splode. Anyway, it's good to see a therapist. I have to slow my thinking down and work on the "today" for me. What I have to get done to keep functioning. I still have problems sleeping but I hope that will get better. I kept food down again today. That was a biggie for me. This place has been a lifesaver for me. I read and read and find hope in all the wonderful encouragements and suggestions everyone has. A lot of people sure have it worse off than me and some have it better off. I will say many prayers for you. Believe me, my own family has said "just get over it" too. That, unfortunately for some people, is the only thing they know to say during a crisis. I have even heard them say it to people who have lost loved ones to death. God bless em all. Keep coming in here, we are all here for you.
Author sickinside Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Here is a little background on my situation. My H and I have been married for 5 years we have been together for 7. I am 30 and he is 43. We have a 3 year old son and he has 2 kids in England. That should have been my first red flag, he left his other kids to move to the U.S. I thought our marriage was good except his drinking and going out. I soon realized that he has a major drinking problem. His affair started over a year ago while he was out of town working. It was with one of his employees. I confronted the girl and she denied it. He denied it until I had solid proof. (she has since moved to our home state to be with him) He said he was sorry blah blah blah. We tried to work it out. I knew inside it wouldn't but I was scared. I am a stay at home mom that hasn'tworked in over 5 years. Considering what i was going through looking for a job was impossible. I am currently on antidepressants and going to the doctors today for stomach problems. I think I may have an ulcer. I am just making through each day,existing not living. I have a beautiful son that deserves all of me and I can't find the person inside that used to give him that. I expect a rough weekend, My son goes with his father today. He also gets to hang out with his girlfriend. this part is very hard for me. How do i teach my so to be respectful to the women that destroyed our lives. Lots of stuff in my head sorry if I am babbling
Author sickinside Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 So I am freaking out. My 3 year old son just got back from a weekend with his dad. We have an agreement that he will not cohabitate with our son and his girlfriend(It is a law where I live) and apparently all 3 of them slept in the same bed. I think he underestimates our child and what he understands. I feel like going through the roof right now, not only did she destroy my marriage she is sleeping with my child. I confronted him and he said he slept at her house for a nap but my child tells a different story. I feel very strongly about this. He ony sees his kid 4 days a month and he can't sacrifice his time with his gf. Am I crazy??????
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Get a lawyer NOW! You two are not divorced and he is legally still married to you. Do NOT allow ANY more sleepovers! IF he wants to see his child, it's at your house, not with the OW present. That is BULLs***! Any court with the Laws that you've mentioned would stop him from this.
Author sickinside Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 I do have lawyer which I will be contacting tomorrow on this situation. I am just so irritated that my kid is exposed to this crap. The icing on the cake is that he has introduced her to my son with a different name. He is using a mans name. Did he think I was born yesterday? My son is only 3 but he isn't stupid. The only thing I worry about is enforcing this law. Am I suppose to sit outside of her house every weekend he's got him?
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