He Cheated

[HTL06]

Yesterday at my gynocologist's office I finally got the proof I had been needing to confirm my suspicions. My husband cheated on me, and gave me an STD. Luckily, it is curable. My intuition had been telling me for months that something was up, I just KNEW something happened. I would ask him, and he would tell me no every time. Well, obviously he couldn't lie any longer when he found out the news I received yesterday. He finally fessed up that he had a one night stand while he was out of town on a job interview a few months back. He doesn't even know the woman's name. I feel so violated. He lied to me over and over, and then only confessed once he knew I had contracted something. He didn't even use a condom. I honestly don't know what to do. I always denied my intuition because I never thought he would be capable of doing it. We have been married a little over two years, and we have two young children, ages 2 1/2 and almost one. His only excuse for it is that he didn't have his head on straight. That's not good enough, but what could be? The past 24+ hours have been torture on me. I get so angry and upset, and then I am calm, and then it just repeats. He has told me over and over that he is sorry and he regrets it. He told me he will do anything to make things better. I don't know what he can do. Not only did he cheat, and give me an STD, but he lied over and over. His word basically means nothing to me now. I feel like our marriage will ultimately fail. His job (that he went on the interview for) has him away from home weeks at a time, out in the middle of no where. There are moments where I just want to call it quits, but that seems like I am just taking the easy way out. But I don't want to stay and make things easy on him. But I know making him suffer will never fix anything. I feel so lost.

[samsungxoxo]

Oh dear, I'm awefully sorry about what you're going through. You're right, there was no excuse to what he did, "I didn't have my head straight", now that's what a 10 year-old child would say. Not only was the cheating horrible, but the lying over and over about it and the fact that he contacted you an STD (lucky it's curable), putting your health at risk, displays a lot about his character. Are you sure he's sorry and remorseful as he says or is he just saying this b/c you found out and caught him in the lie??

 

You're completely right, at this point, you can't believe anything coming out of his mouth, not after all the lies. Even if you guys really decide to work things out, things will never be the same as before, you'll still have that seed of doubt in the back of your mind. Try to imagine if he were to come home late from work and there really was traffic. Would you be able to look at him straight into his eyes and say "Ok, I believe you". Probably not, you would find yourself wondering if it's really true and if he's just up to more.

 

As for working it out, he has to accept all responsibilities for his action and find ways to regain your trust. But at the end if you don't want to work things out and would rather separate from him or divorce him, you may, that's what I would do. Just remember if you're gonna work it out, don't ever do it just for the sake of the kids. That never works and kids are very perspective, they'll figure out things faster than what you think. Do if out of your own free will, b/c you find it in your brain to forgive him.

[Chump64]

It will take you some time to figure out what you want and you will be pissed off one minute and happy the next. It's called "the roller coaster" for a reason.

 

If he wants to work it out, he needs to come 100 percent clean, give you all pass codes / pass words, be accountable to you about his whereabouts, and basically do whatever else you need him to do to make you feel safe in the relationship.

 

Are you sure it was a 1-night stand? I would start by questioning just about everything. Also, I'm assuming he is also being treated for the same STD? Has he been tested? First things first. Don't let him come near you with his wanker until he's been tested, and verify with his doctor that this actually happened (or go with him).

 

Get into therapy, both of you. He will need to give you a better answer than "I didn't have my head on straight." It's not that simple. Something's broken within him and he needs to (a) find out what it is, and show you; and (b) fix it.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

He finally fessed up that he had a one night stand while he was out of town on a job interview a few months back. He doesn't even know the woman's name.

Like Chump, I am seriously questioning this part of his story. I think it's quite likely he has a regular OW, and the "ONS" story is just to get you off his back. If he always travels to the same place, that is where the OW likely lives. If he travels to different places, then he may extend his trips on the beginning or end to see her.

 

Please head over to marriage builders, and look at "After the Affair". If he is sorry, he needs to get busy and start busting his butt to really fix this one.

 

The fixing CANNOT consist of words because we have already seen that his words mean nothing. His fixing of this wound must consist of:

 

* Total access to all cell phones, credit card statements, email, passwords, etc., now and whenever you ask, without any question or blowback from him

* Finding a new job ASAP that gets him home EVERY night

* Counseling - he signs up and you both go, and he participates, reads the books, does the homework

* Starts meeting your emotional needs for honesty and openness by telling you where he is at all times, calling you several times during the day, and answering all questions fully, again without blowback

 

I realize that the above may be hard...especially the job part. It may require significant sacrifice of income, promotions, etc. Lots of people will decide against this part. However, his working away from home gives him way too much opportunity. As a proven cheater, he cannot be permitted this any longer.

 

If he needs to keep this job for a short time while you transition, then he should take the lead on calling you for at least 5 minutes every waking hour that he is away from home, and once in the middle of the night at well. He should make sure that this is a pleasant "hi how are you" type of phone call, and that he lets you know who he is with, where he is, what his plans are, etc.

[Lennox]

I would almost guarantee that it wasn't a one night stand, but one of many visits with a hooker.

 

Chump and Solemate have great advice for you. Good luck to you. *hugs* and I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible

[sickinside]

I am really sorry what you are going through,all to familiar for me. I have found out in my experience over the past year there is no payback to infidelity. Each road you take whether it be stay or go is a hard one. i tried to stay and he left me anyways. I put myself through alot of agony trying to save my marriage. I mostly did it for security and for my son. Trust is a very hard thing to get back and even if you do it will always be in the back of your mind. Just like your situation my husband traveled and even after he said it was over it wasn't. I hope everything works out for the best. Therapy is my best advice to get your thoughts together.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

aww, i'm so sorry this has happened to you huni *hugs*

 

It's going to be very confusing for you and hard for a long time, being married you may feel obligated to stay together and not go for 'the easy option' of separating...which is completely fine...just as long as it's not going to destroy you as a person emotionally if you stay together...just remember that. Most people tend to forget about the long term effects of staying together after infedelity...it can ruin people...destroy their self worth and self confidence etc...and sometimes is just a longer more painful way round to getting a divorce. Maybe if you're unsure on where to go and youre confused and emotional...maybe time living apart for a while will help you clear your head for better judgement?

 

hope you find your way hun

xxx

[silktricks]

Best of luck. Don't be too quick to believe anything at this point. If he's telling you the truth, then the basic story will remain the same, but some little things will change. If he's lying then either the story will remain word for word (almost) the same, or it will have huge and glaring inconsistencies.

 

It's possible that it was a 1-nighter. If so, though, the man's an idiot having unprotected sex with an unknown.

 

As Chump says, get thee to a marriage counselor pronto (both of you.) If the marriage can be saved it will need both of your full-time commitment to it. He will understand your insecurity and pain, and will deal with it forthrightly. He will NOT blame you for his actions, but rather his own bad choices. The truth, though, is there will be some blame that belongs with both of you, as nothing is ever black and white. So. . . if you want to work this out, it's going to take WORK. Probably the hardest, most soul-searching, painful work the two of you have ever done.

 

With all that said, it can be worked out. Hugs and kisses.

 

(By the way, his continued lying can simply be indicative of the fact that he wishes it had never happened. It's childish, but then aren't we all.)

[AMBERINVEGAS]

He Knows Her Name, I Would Get A Court Order And Make Her Take The Test, And Sue Him And Her. You Can't Just Blame Her, He Let It Happen. Ah Men, The Root Of All That Is Evil. Std Is Serious Because You Can Get Hpv Which Is Cancer Of The Cervic Because Of This. One A Cheater, Always A Cheater....he Got A Cell Phone Right? Check Online If You Have Access To The Account And See What Numbers Pop Up There. The Trust Is Gone And He Will Do Anything To Make It Right With You Because He Now Feels Guilty Because He Was Caught. He Never Would Have Told You If You Hadn't Gone To The Doctor. Trust Is Earned.