stitch'sescape Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Well this is a long story but here goes. My husband and I have been married for eight and a half years. We have 3 boys. About three weeks ago my best friend shows up at my house to tell me that she has been sleeping with my husband for three years. My husband and I were also highschool sweethearts we have been togther for a long time and have been through alot together. This woman also happens to be his step sister for about the last five years. We spent alot of time with her, her husband and their six children. My oldest child and her oldest son were also best friends. A couple of years ago her brother was in a bad motorcycle accident and she got in a really bad fight with her father that she lived beside and wound up moving in with us. I worked at night and so did her husband. So it was durring this time that she was playing house with my husband that she fell in love with him. In March of this year she lost a child to Cystic Fibrosis. I loved this little girl very much and I was so worried about the mother and being there for her to help her throught the pain. In April of this year my husband started a new job and I didn't like it very much and we started having problems. I went to live with my mother and he went to stay with the brother that had the motorcycle accident. I think since me and him were having problems she wanted more from him than he was willing to give and they had a fight. This is when she came to tell me. I trusted both of them so much and loved both of them beyond belief. Me and her talked several times a day and spent alot of time together. He swears that he doesn't love her that it was just physical for him. I know she is in love with him she told me so even though I didn't know it was my husband she was talking about at the time. I also know she went to where he works and told him so when they were living with us. I have so much emotion tied up in this whole mess between him, her and her children. I love them like they were my neices and nephews by blood. I bought things for them, kept them, went to ballgames and spent hollidays with them. My husband seems real sincere over the fact that he's sorry but I am more upset over the fact that neither one could not do it for me much less stop it for me. It took him pissing her off before she told me. I am trying to move on and fix my marriage but the pain seems unbearable sometimes. Anyone else have a story like this.
Buttaflyy Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 OMG! This is crazy! I know you're not supposed to advise anyone to leave their marriage but....I'd get soooooo far away from BOTH of these people! She is not your bestfriend! She slept with your husband for three years behind your back!
norajane Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Neither she nor your husband are your best friends. 3 years is a long time to lie and deceive you. Whether your husband is in love with her or she with him is comepletely irrelevant. You can't trust either one of them not to hurt you if their selfish desires are at stake. Talk to a divorce lawyer so you know what your options are, and start making plans. That might sound harsh, but neither one of them is actually going to stop seeing each other one way or another - do you want to live with this hanging over your head all the time?
Chump64 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 How awful. You have been doubly betrayed. Get her out of your life asap. Think about trying to fix your marriage but ONLY if your husband is willing to give 200 percent. Can you move away from this town? My situation is somewhat similar in that the woman was a friend, but not a "best" friend. I only saw her 3-4 times a year, so no huge loss for me. Don't listen to kneejerk reactions to "dump / divorce your husband." Think carefully about it first. Staying with someone who cheated is actually a lot more work than cutting and running, and IMO it requires a lot of strength. But depending on your indivdual situation, the marriage may not be salvageable.
Author stitch'sescape Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Yes she is out of my life. I don't want to talk to her or see her. I can't leave this town because I have a mother that is mentally retarded and she still lives at home with her mother and I know that my grandmother won't be around much longer to take care of her. She has ties here with her group she goes to 3 times a week and with her church. Plus all of our family is here. My husband drives a fuel tanker and I can't be certain where he is every minute of every day. I don't trust them but I came from a broken marriage and I didn't want that to happen to my children. I went through a very bad custodity battle over me and it left scars that won't heal. When she told me she said I was lucky that my husband loves me more than anything in this world. I don't see how, how can he love me so much and do something like this to me. It could have been anyone else in this world and it would have hurt but not like this. I walk around feeling lost most of the time. He says that he will earn my trust back. I don't know that I am so much worried about her than I am worried there will be someone else down the road. If we make through this one and there is another one I know I won't be around anymore. I just don't like looking over my shoulder every day looking for the other shoe to drop. They both have Nextel radios and I can't tell on his bill what radio numbers call him so I don't really know how to check up on him. Any suggestions
norajane Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Start going to a marriage counselor to help you deal with your feelings, and insist that your husband start going with you if he wants to really save your marriage.
Buttaflyy Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 You will probably never be able to trust him due to the betrayal. Is it worth it to try and stick through it all? No one wants their kids to experience a seperation or divorce, but on the other end such a disfunctional situation such as this is damaging as well. I remember watching my mother suffer from the heartache that my father put her through. I've hated him for a long time because of it and resented her for putting up with it (for the short time that she did).
Chump64 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 He can love you and still cheat on you. It's all about his dysfunction, which he needs to figure out and fix. If your marriage is rocky and it's obvious to your kids, like Buttafly's situation, that's bad. If you are able to act like adults / act amicably toward each other, and hash out your problems outside of the kids' presence, then that's good. Keep the kids out of it at all costs. Don't stay solely for the kids. They will be fine, most likely, assuming they haven't been exposed to a bunch of crap already. Figure out what YOU want.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 This is awful and a double betrayal! It's one thing to deal with a cheating spouse, but another to find out the OW is your bestfriend! DOUBLE OUCH! I feel for you and honestly, they both get what they deserve. DO NOT feel guilty about any decisions you might make - Meaning, if end the marriage, don't let him blame YOU for that. HIS choice to cheat. HIS choice to allow an affair to go on for 3 f**k'n years behind your back with your BF. WTF. All the thoughts and feelings you're having now is a normal reaction. IF you decide to give him another chance, he MUST never have any contact with her (and if he does see her, he doesn't have to speak to her, he can cross the road or walk away...) and he has to go to marriage counselling with you. I'm sure he IS sorry, but until his actions SHOW this, right now his words probably don't mean much. And yes, he has to earn your trust back. That won't happen overnight! I'm posting a link for you to read, iby DazednConfused. It's quite long but it will help you, and your husband. Maybe consider printing it out. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I think the question is now how you can forgive your husband. Can you? Does it make it easier if it were just physical? I would rather that my husband did something because he wasn't satisfied with me or fell in love (at least I wouldn't hate him) than if it were only sex. I have a feeling that you were not very interested in sex with him lately so you don't really mind that he used another woman for sex. I think what bothers you most is that he slept with this particular woman and stole your best friend.
Chump64 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I have a feeling that you were not very interested in sex with him lately so you don't really mind that he used another woman for sex. I think what bothers you most is that he slept with this particular woman and stole your best friend. Rare Pearl, where in the heck are you getting that from? Did you and I read the same posts? I would rather that my husband did something because he wasn't satisfied with me or fell in love (at least I wouldn't hate him) than if it were only sex. That's interesting. Research shows that betrayed women feel worse about emotional attachments vs. sex acts, and that the opposite is true for betrayed men. In my situation, it was "only sex" at first, but it became much, much more. Not uncommon in these kinds of situations. Also, it's easy to say "It wouldn't bother me if it was just sex," but often it is already a very emotional relationship by the time the sex act occurs (unless you are talking about a man who hires a prostitute).
Author stitch'sescape Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Yes I deffinetly had more of a problem with the fact that she was so emotionally attached to my husband than the fact she was just sleeping with him. I guess I have to know that he has feelings for her to I just dont want to look at it that way. His love and attention was suppose to be the one thing that was mine that I didn't have to compete with anyone else for. Right after I found out I went to spend the night at our house alone and I told him I slept on the couch with my cat all night after all he didn't love anyone but me. Not only have I lost what I thought I had with him I have lost the one person I would talk to in a situation like this. No girlfriends to sit around with and just be pitiful with for awhile. I miss that relationsip as much as I hurt over my husband cheating on me. I know that I apparently never meant anything to her but I miss what I thought we had.
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Rare Pearl, where in the heck are you getting that from? Did you and I read the same posts? I didn't get it from anywhere. I just assumed (possibly wrongly) that she refused to have sex with him so she took the physical part of the cheating lightly. Sadly enough, I do understand men and women who cheat on their spouses because they haven't had sex in years (more often than once a month or so). If you don't feed your cat, it will catch mice and birds outside. Cats you feed regularly at home don't bother. I realized just now that you girls are viewing things from the perspective of forgiveness: if he doesn't have feelings for the other woman, he can turn to his wife; but if he loves her, the marriage is doomed. I understand now why it hurts more when emotions are involved. i guess I was seeing it from a divorce point of view: I wouldn't hate him so much if he fell in love and the affair didn't start just for sex. I would be devastated but still ready to forgive and not hate him... after the divorce!
Chump64 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Rare Pearl, so you assumed that Stitch refused to have sex with her husband and that’s why he started cheating on her? That is a huge and ballsy leap to be making, especially on an infidelity board where she is looking for support – not judgmental theories from strangers on how her situation happened. It’s nice that you know exactly what you’d do if your husband had an affair. I think about 90 percent of all women say the same thing you do – that they’d divorce without looking back – yet they don’t actually carry through with that when they are unlucky enough to be in that situation. Only 17 percent of divorces actually occur because of infidelity. But hopefully you won’t be among the 50-60 percent of marriages affected by infidelity so we you’ll never have to put your money where your mouth is. Just don't refuse to shag your man, and your marriage will be hunky dory! (note sarcasm)
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Rare Pearl, so you assumed that Stitch refused to have sex with her husband and that’s why he started cheating on her? That is a huge and ballsy leap to be making, especially on an infidelity board where she is looking for support – not judgmental theories from strangers on how her situation happened. It’s nice that you know exactly what you’d do if your husband had an affair. I think about 90 percent of all women say the same thing you do – that they’d divorce without looking back – yet they don’t actually carry through with that when they are unlucky enough to be in that situation. Only 17 percent of divorces actually occur because of infidelity. But hopefully you won’t be among the 50-60 percent of marriages affected by infidelity so we you’ll never have to put your money where your mouth is. Just don't refuse to shag your man, and your marriage will be hunky dory! (note sarcasm) I know it's a huge assumption, but if I am wrong she will simply ignore me. I got that feeling from the fact that she didn't really mind it if it were just about sex. You are right that I haven't been in that situation. You've been married for much longer than me so that makes it different too. I just know myself and I would be so angry that all I would do is fight for at least a year every single day. I would definitely cheat on my husband too if he cheated on me. So the marriage would be only a paper making a big war legal. I would feel more rage and frustration than love and desire to work things out. I am not judgmental and didn't say men who don't get sex have a right to cheat - just stating that I understand their position. After all, you seem to understand your husband's position..
Bryanp Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Make sure that the OW's husband is informed about what has been going on. This is absolutely critical.
Chump64 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I would definitely cheat on my husband too if he cheated on me. How old are you and how long have you been married? This seems like an immature view. I thought you said you'd divorce him? How would this fix things or make you feel better? Does dysfunction + dysfunction = problem solved?
norajane Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Make sure that the OW's husband is informed about what has been going on. This is absolutely critical. I agree with this - he is also a victim of this A. He has a right to know what's been going on all those years.
Author stitch'sescape Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Yes the OW's husband knows he has known for quite some time. I think she told him it was over long time ago though. He was always so jealous toward her and just down right mean sometimes. I didn't like him very much because of all that. I didn't know he had a right to. They are still together now I don't know how things are going. I know when she told me he was mad at her because he didn't want her to hurt me by telling me. They have a strange marriage anyway. On a different note no I didn't withhold sex from my husband. There were times while I was pregnant I was not completely thrilled with the idea because it was uncomfortable. The A did not start while I was pregnant though. It actually started durring a time when he was working way too much. He was the shop foreman durring the day and then went to haul fuel for the yard at night. I don't know how frequent they were together though that bothers me a bit. When I asked her for details she only give a few specific times.
Buttaflyy Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 No matter what, always remember that you are the victim in this. You have done nothing wrong, or nothing deserving of such betrayal. It's about you and the kids now. If you hadn't withheld sex, now might be a good time to start. If you decide to work on your marriage, he must be willing to fight. You have alot of things to consider. It won't be an easy road. Best wishes to you!
Recommended Posts