Guest Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I've read some of the posts here but nothing quite fits with what I am feeling. I haven't been married very long - a little over 6 months and we are having problems. We have been going to see counselors and it's not working yet. Basically, I'm an extrovert and he's an introvert. The reason we have been having problems is that I really felt that I was losing a piece of myself. I love my husband and I think we can work it out with therapy but for now I have been dating someone else. He brought back the part of me that I lost. Since I have been seeing this other man I feel that I am treating my husband better, since I am not depressed. I know I will end the affair eventually but I feel that if I give up now I will lose myself again. Where is the line between selfishness and giving too much so that you lose yourself?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Do you want to stay married to your husband? What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? How long did you know your H before you got married? Do you have children? Do you have a D-day plan in case you get caught? What would you do if your H served you with divorce papers? It sounds like you want to stay married, but first you'll need to consider some serious soul searching to find a way to identify that need within yourself and address it rather than using the OM as a band-aid to cover it up. Continuing to see the OM won't solve your problems. It will give you an excuse to not have to face them. Have you considered any individual counseling to pinpoint this feeling of 'losing' yourself? I know this OM makes you feel good - but what do you think it is that really makes you feel so good? Is it this guy, or more of what he represents to you? I expect like most cakewomen/men you have your relationships completely separate and are happy with both and really don't see any need to end either one. Compartmentalization, through and through. H fills one set of needs, and OM another set - neither can fulfill the other's needs that you have for them nor would you want them to. You have to understand though, that 'better treatment' of your H is no excuse to continue seeing the OM. Your needs are being met, and therefore your depression lifts and your H benefits from that in a strange way. If he knew why, would he see it as a benefit? I somehow doubt that. You have a need that you aren't getting met in your marriage. Wouldn't it be better to identify and patch up that need without having to bring someone else into your marriage to do that?
Guest Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 We have no children. I've known him for 5 years before we got married. I also am thinking that I want to stay married for the wrong reasons - security and to prove to my family that I can. I say now that I want to stay married but I also have to search my reasons. He would be devistated if he found out - but he's never around to notice. I was thinking it through today and I'm thinking that I will tell the OM I want to try to patch things up with my husband and I can't see him now. That is romantically - it will be very hard though because I see him at least once a week (we are on a team together). I am a bit scared because I really do feel like my old self with this new guy - the happy self and the patch up may not work. The last time we were in counseling the counselor looked a bit like we are a lost cause - both living two separate lives. He couldn't come up with a single thing that he enjoys doing with me.
RealityCheck Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Do you want to stay married to your husband? What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? How long did you know your H before you got married? Do you have children? Do you have a D-day plan in case you get caught? What would you do if your H served you with divorce papers? It sounds like you want to stay married, but first you'll need to consider some serious soul searching to find a way to identify that need within yourself and address it rather than using the OM as a band-aid to cover it up. Continuing to see the OM won't solve your problems. It will give you an excuse to not have to face them. Have you considered any individual counseling to pinpoint this feeling of 'losing' yourself? I know this OM makes you feel good - but what do you think it is that really makes you feel so good? Is it this guy, or more of what he represents to you? I expect like most cakewomen/men you have your relationships completely separate and are happy with both and really don't see any need to end either one. Compartmentalization, through and through. H fills one set of needs, and OM another set - neither can fulfill the other's needs that you have for them nor would you want them to. You have to understand though, that 'better treatment' of your H is no excuse to continue seeing the OM. Your needs are being met, and therefore your depression lifts and your H benefits from that in a strange way. If he knew why, would he see it as a benefit? I somehow doubt that. You have a need that you aren't getting met in your marriage. Wouldn't it be better to identify and patch up that need without having to bring someone else into your marriage to do that? Excellent response! I agree with LB!
zarathustra Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I've read some of the posts here but nothing quite fits with what I am feeling. I haven't been married very long - a little over 6 months and we are having problems. We have been going to see counselors and it's not working yet. Basically, I'm an extrovert and he's an introvert. The reason we have been having problems is that I really felt that I was losing a piece of myself. I love my husband and I think we can work it out with therapy but for now I have been dating someone else. He brought back the part of me that I lost. Since I have been seeing this other man I feel that I am treating my husband better, since I am not depressed. I know I will end the affair eventually but I feel that if I give up now I will lose myself again. Where is the line between selfishness and giving too much so that you lose yourself? I think if you want to continue being married, you need to find out what it is that would make you less depressed. You should try treating your hubby well despite feeling down. You need to find out what is missing in the relationship and see how to pursue that rather than turning to another man for it and then going home and pretending like nothing happened.
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