Marlien Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Hello. I've come to this forum with a bit of a complicated problem. I seem to have a boyfriend I don't want, but can't break up with. Bear with me, it's a horrendously long post. A couple of months ago, I met a guy, and we really seemed to connect. We talked for about half an hour, and he asked for my email address. That seemed fine enough. The next day, he started an IM conversation with me. Secrets were revealed, and he seemed pretty happy that we were both interested in men. Somewhere in that first conversation, he confessed his "love" for me, and I was too stupid to argue. After a mere two days, the habit of saying "I love you" became a normal thing. I had never had a boyfriend before, so I thought this was normal. But the relationship became so serious in a matter of less than a week. We didn't even get to know eachother before we were stuck together "for life". Time went on, we emailed, IMed and telephoned eachother every day. He talks to me on the phone for at least a half an hour a day. To be honest, I feel a little crowded. He continues to confess his undying love for me, and tells me he couldn't live without me. For the first few weeks, this is perfectly fine; I feel some connection to him. ...Even if it's been a couple of months and he still hasn't broken up with his old long-distance boyfriend. (Who he had when he 'fell in love' with me, by the way.) However, I seem to have lost most affection for him. I jumped into this situation far too hastily, and now I feel stuck. I was almost always happy before meeting him. For the first while, I was a little more happy. But soon enough, sadness arrived. I've cried for "no reason" in front of him, many times. But he tells me I'll get over it, it's just me getting used to it. Occasionally, when I'm less than affectionate with him, either in person or otherwise, he gets rather worried. He thinks I want to leave him. He talks about how crushed he has been by other guys in the past. He wants to move in with me in a little over a year, forcing me from a home at my uncle's to an apartment I must pay half the rent of, while I study at university. He says that he has no other options, despite doing an online college program. He talks about how his life has been changed completely for the better by me, and if I left, he wouldn't have anything left to live for. He has threatened to commit suicide. Once, he called me, saying "It's either talk to you, or cut my arms up." He honestly scares and worries me. What's worse, is that I can't spend my life with him. The depression-like symptoms don't change my mind, I just... I don't quite love him anymore. In fact, I think it was just a tiny crush on my part in the beginning. I thought of him as more of a good friend, though I didn't know him for more than a day before he 'fell in love' with me. If I'm not very happy or affectionate with him, he worries about it. He tells me I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, or that I'm depressed, or that it's a phase. But... I see so many red lights and warning signs going off. The relationship started terribly quickly, he confessed his love at a horribly early time... He wants to move in with me as soon as possible, while I don't. He thinks I have a mental problem because I'm not happy in the relationship. He threatens to harm himself, or do even worse acts. It's emotional abuse. This is the worst part. If I leave him, I'm afraid of what may happen. I'm not happy in this relationship, but I don't think I could live with it if I ended it. What would he do to himself? I would be fine after a couple of weeks, but if he did something drastic, I'd... I'd feel like I killed someone. I've gone on long enough. To summarize, I'm not as happy as I used to, I feel as if my future has been stolen from me, and I'm stuck in an awkward, unfulfilling relationship, because the consequences of ending it may be fatal. Please, if anyone, anyone has advice or ideas, I'll gladly listen. I just hope he doesn't see this post.
SoleMate Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 If you seriously think there is a possibility of suicide, inform the police, his doctor, or his parents. Line up other emotional supports for him before you break up. I do not believe you have an obligation to continue a relationship forever just because of fear of his suicide.
tikigods Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I Couldn't agree more with Solemate, break up with him, but make sure you tell everyone that can help him that you are doing so and what you are scared of. What happens 5 years from now when you are still scared of breaking up with him? Its time to nip this in the bud before it goes to far
Author Marlien Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 I suppose you're right. I had meant to do this a month or so ago, and ever since then. But I can't bring myself to do it. I could be overreacting; maybe none of this is necessary. But I don't feel like he does when he talks about the future. Honestly, this all happened so quickly. Either way, thanks for the advice. It does seem to be true; the longer you wait, the worse things get.
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 You need to inform someone of his suicide threats. Since you don't really know him all that well, you don't really know that he wouldn't do it, so you should be really careful when stepping that out there. BUT, don't feel responsible for him. He seems to me to be a tad emotionally unstable, because of the fact that he 'fell in love' with someone in a matter of hours, without even knowing you. Be cautious. Don't under-estimate his ability to take his life, but again, don't feel responsible for it. Either way, he's a grown man, and anyone who commits suicide, and is that selfish, and cowardly, I can't feel sorry for. Especially if they do it because of someone that they don't even really know. Break it off with him. You don't need to be in a situation that you aren't happy in, and the longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt him in the long run anyway. I've been in this situation before, and the only thing I know to tell you, is to be careful. I've read/seen far too many stories about lovers killing the other one, or themselves, because they broke it off with them. Watch yourself, first and foremost. I only say this, because again, you don't REALLY know him that well... & it doesn't seem like you really know what he's capable of.
Author Marlien Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 All this advice has really helped me come to a decision. Thank you, everyone. I'll put it to good use!
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 All this advice has really helped me come to a decision. Thank you, everyone. I'll put it to good use! Let us know what happens!
Author Marlien Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 Well, that was a complete and total failure. I feel like an idiot. I explained to him how I only intended to become friends with him, and it certainly didn't go over well with him. He started crying, shaking, and became nauseous. He had already taken a couple of painkillers, but he followed it up with two anxiety relief pills and another two painkillers. I was with no doubt concerned. I tried to comfort him as well as I could. Somehow, he got the idea that I never intended to break up with him. He wouldn't feel any better until he got me to promise to never leave him. He had calmed down a lot, but I was back where I started, only trapped even more... Manipulated even more. This is frustrating. We're now "happy together" again. I didn't argue against that because he would probably act that way again. I've begun to consider staying with him to avoid this kind of situation again. While I know this is wrong, living a lie and all, I can't bear to make others hurt like that. Still... I'll have to do something about all of this. I just don't know what. I'm rather scared.
tikigods Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 again when you do this you need to make sure that people are around to get him help. You can't be in a relationship with someone just because you are scared to leave them. Get on the phone right after you tell him if he starts popping pills and get the ambliance (sp) out there ASAP.
ashnicole Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Staying with him just because you're scared to leave, is only going to make the two of you completely unhappy in the end, and after awhile, it's going to start to show, and he really might become suicidal. You need to tell him that you can't be with him. Remain friends with him if you must, and hang out with him on occasion, but being with him, if you don't really want to, is just going to mess the both of you up.
konfuzd Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 While I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in seeking advice and trying to handle this situation resulting in the least impact on the both of you, I think you need to go beyond an internet forum and get in touch with a crisis line or mental health professional. You have to remember, this is your life and you have to live it for yourself, not this person with obvious mental problems. You also don't want to leave with the burden of guilt that he'll leave you with should he do something horrible. This is a really tough situation, but you know this is not the life you want to lead and you don't want to look back at this time 5-10 years from now with regrets, and the longer you prolong this, the more difficult it will be to get out of it. Please keep us updated, good luck.
Author Marlien Posted June 18, 2006 Author Posted June 18, 2006 Thank you all so much for your advice and concern. You all make very good points. I've just always been so afraid of hurting people that it tends to blind me. I'll think things over thoroughly, but not prolong this more than I must. Again, I really appreciate all of your help.
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