She broke up with me, what now

[MisterJ]

Hi guys,

 

I am new here, but have read quite a bit about what all of you have had to say. I am hoping one of you can help me now.

 

I have been with this girl for 5 months. Yeah not too long, I know. The catch is, I have been married, divorced, and in other serious relationships, but the one leaving is the first woman I have ever loved. I have never been able to share myslef completely with someone until now. She said that we were done a few days ago. I can't eat or sleep. I want to be angry, but I can't. I live with her, hours away from anyone I know. I moved here to be with her. I am so lost, and confused. It came from nowhere. One night, like every single one before hand, she was the most loving, and caring person on the face of the earth. Then, I did what has undone my life.

 

I lied.

 

It wasn't anything big, yet no lie is ok. I know that. It was about calling in to work on my day off. They wanted me to come in on my day off. I wanted to spend my off time with her. Now I gave all of it away. We were engaged, going to get married. Now it's all gone in the blink of an eye. I still hug her, and occasionally kiss her. Last night we "slept" together. Yet it's still over. I know I am doing it to myself. I live with her, and she wants me to stay here until I get an apartment. It hurts so much to see her, I don't know how to handle this. I don't have anyone I could go stay with for a while, like I said, I don't know anyone out here. I have seen that most of you recommend NC, probably best, I know. I can't let her go. So many years of wasted relationships before, and I let the best thing that ever happened to me be destroyed.

 

I have never asked someone for help before, but here I am. I need help. I can't do this alone. I know if you are here, chances are, you have been through something hard like this. Someone, please help me to get through this. I feel like i'm drowning.

[KittenMoon]

Please clarify- she dumped you because you lied to work about coming in on your day off so that you could spend time with her?

[MisterJ]

Ok, I lied to her parents about it. They live right near us. She decided that lying to them is like lying to her. They stopped by and said that my work called. Our cell phone dosen't work out here. They called her parent's number, because it was a backup. I told them that I went to work and talked to them. I didn't. Thats when it fell apart.

[KittenMoon]

Ok, I lied to her parents about it. They live right near us. She decided that lying to them is like lying to her. They stopped by and said that my work called. Our cell phone dosen't work out here. They called her parent's number, because it was a backup. I told them that I went to work and talked to them. I didn't. Thats when it fell apart.

 

I can't possibly comprehend why this is such a big deal as to warrant a break-up. An apology to the parents maybe at the very most. I can't help but think there has got to be other underlying issues.

[MisterJ]

Some small things. Like disagreements. Nothing huge. Thats why this is coming as such a shock to me. She is adamant that it is over. Do I stay? Do I run away? I have nobody here. I'm not so sure staying here with her would be the healthiest thing I could do. But my only other option is moving like 4 hours away. Thats why I need help. I am unsure what decision is the correct one to make.

[rkman]

I can't possibly comprehend why this is such a big deal as to warrant a break-up. An apology to the parents maybe at the very most. I can't help but think there has got to be other underlying issues.

 

I can see it being a big issue, but I don't see it as one to make the breakup last. Not to fill you with any false sense of hope, but she's pissed, and I guess that's how she deals with being pissed at you, which, as usual, makes the guilty into a victim. Don't play that card though.

 

Heck it could just be that she was nervous about the whole marriage bit and needed an excuse to take a step back for a bit.

 

Al of this is pure speculation though. At least now we know how simple honesty can really go a long way.

[KittenMoon]

I think if someone dumps you for something so trivial, it's a major red flag and you should seriously consider moving your life in another direction.

[rkman]

I think if someone dumps you for something so trivial, it's a major red flag and you should seriously consider moving your life in another direction.

 

Definitely, but sometimes worth looking into it furhter, with caution. If it happens again, it doesn't get more clear than that though.

[MisterJ]

Yes I know I should get away. It's hard because I have never loved someone before in my life. And she is a very...stubborn, for lack of a better word. She made a decision. It will stick. I probably should take my life in a different direction, but this hurts so much. I just want to make it work. Just so you know, I appreciate any, and everyones insight into this. Weather I like to hear it or not, I need outside opinions. What about living with her? Should I stay and get an apartment by myself? I don't have any friends here to go socialize with or to get away.

[greystone08]

The best thing that i can tell you to do is start ignoring her and get on with your life, even if its an act, just do it.

 

From previous experience, i found women respond when you cut them off for a while and act like you're doing fine. That kills them, they feel like they lost control when they see you don't need them. It's healthier for you in the long run anyway because you'll realize your own sense of self worth without relying on her. She'll see that and probably find her way back to you.

 

Just try it. Give it 30 days. I know it's hard but if you play your cards right, you could probably win her again.

[Diver012]

I wouldnt play the NC card thinking you could win her back. NC isnt about that. Its all about you. You gave up everything completely for this woman. You packed up your life to be closer to her. You say you never loved anyone so much... Perhaps all these feelings were just to much for her to handle?

 

I find it hard to believe as well that she dumped you simply because you lied. I think there are other reasons shes not sharing.

 

Move out as quick as you can. Hell, move back to where you came from. Its not uncommon for people who have been hurt deepely, to pack up their lives and start fresh somewhere else. I honestly believe that sometimes, in order to have complete closure, its the only answer.

[silentcharon]

Hi guys,

 

I am new here, but have read quite a bit about what all of you have had to say. I am hoping one of you can help me now.

 

I have been with this girl for 5 months. Yeah not too long, I know. The catch is, I have been married, divorced, and in other serious relationships, but the one leaving is the first woman I have ever loved. I have never been able to share myslef completely with someone until now. She said that we were done a few days ago. I can't eat or sleep. I want to be angry, but I can't. I live with her, hours away from anyone I know. I moved here to be with her. I am so lost, and confused. It came from nowhere. One night, like every single one before hand, she was the most loving, and caring person on the face of the earth. Then, I did what has undone my life.

 

I lied.

 

It wasn't anything big, yet no lie is ok. I know that. It was about calling in to work on my day off. They wanted me to come in on my day off. I wanted to spend my off time with her. Now I gave all of it away. We were engaged, going to get married. Now it's all gone in the blink of an eye. I still hug her, and occasionally kiss her. Last night we "slept" together. Yet it's still over. I know I am doing it to myself. I live with her, and she wants me to stay here until I get an apartment. It hurts so much to see her, I don't know how to handle this. I don't have anyone I could go stay with for a while, like I said, I don't know anyone out here. I have seen that most of you recommend NC, probably best, I know. I can't let her go. So many years of wasted relationships before, and I let the best thing that ever happened to me be destroyed.

 

I have never asked someone for help before, but here I am. I need help. I can't do this alone. I know if you are here, chances are, you have been through something hard like this. Someone, please help me to get through this. I feel like i'm drowning.

 

I lived with my ex for four years, and continued living there for 2 months after he broke up with me. Two months of hell. So, yes, I know how you feel. It hurts.

 

In my case, my ex stayed with friends while I lived at home in the mean time. I looked for my own place and started packing up almost right away, and a month later, I moved out on my own. Perhaps you could suggest to your ex that she could stay with friends while you look for new places? Or get a hotel room, if you can afford it.

 

I think nc is virtually impossible when you still live together and both of you have nowhere to go. Try to stop sleeping with her, don't kiss or hug her, she's the one who dumped you- make her sleep in the bed she made for herself so to speak. This will be VERY hard when you still live with her, but, try.

 

Once you move out, it will be easier to apply nc, and when you do, do so.

[MisterJ]

I'm taking the advice. I'm moving back. Yet part of me still hopes she will change her mind. I am beginning to think the "ex" might be back in the picture. Hiding phone calls and such. Damn it. Crap. This is horrible. I'm running away with my tail between my legs. My best friend told me to "Bow gracefully out, and get the hell out of there!". How do I go about making myself let go? I read from some post in here about "Reactive Therapy" using a rubber-band to snap your wrist every time you think of her. I did it for 8 hours straight at work. Don't even ask what my wrist looks like. Obviously that did no good. Maybe it does work for others, not me though. Any advice from people who have walked this path is more than greatly appreciated, believe me, I listen to what all of you have to say. Thanks for the previous input, and for any future information also.

[Magister]

The reason you feel so bad right now isn't because of how much you loved this girl. The reason you feel bad is that, just a few days ago your life was right on track; you felt like you were in control. Then, everything changed suddenly and you are having a hard time trying to figure out where you lost it. You're afraid of all the uncertainty that has invaded your life.

 

Now, this is going to surprise you, but your girl didn't dump you because you lied to her parents. She dumped you because she questioned your character and instead of challenging her on it and telling her she was crazy, you basicly confirmed what she was thinking without ever really figuring out what it was.

 

Thems the breaks, but you're going to learn from this. From now on, whenever a woman (anyone really) dumps a load of crap on you from out of nowhere, get out of the situation, FAST. It is completely unfair to put someone in a situation where they have to respond to something like that on short notice.

 

Don't respond to what they say. Ask her to clarify what she means. Keep asking her questions about it until you are 100% sure you know what she means. Then sit down and think about why you are right and she is wrong.

 

And of course she is wrong to make an issue of this. Where did her parents think they had any business asking you such a question in the first place? I mean really, if they had wanted to know if your eating all your veggies do you have to answer that truthfully too? Parents are great, but you've already got two of your own. She should be glad you had enough tact not to tell them to Butt Out.

 

Forgodsakes don't sit there in her apartment. It makes you look weak. Every conflict is basically the same as the ones you had on the sandbox when you were little. You look weak, the opposition pounces. The more you sit there crying in her apartment, the more justified she is going to feel throwing you out.

 

So pack your stuff and move out immediately. Even if you have to sleep in your car. It sucks to move out there only to have to move back, but at least you learn something from, right?

[MisterJ]

I am leaving. We have plans to spend Saturday together hanging out before I leave Sunday morning. Look at the title...is this a good or bad idea? I can see a lot of reasons it would be a bad idea. I see it as a day to start letting go. No talk about us. Just hanging out. I have quite a long drive ahead of me. I can start facing my demons then. I hope someone out there thinks this isn't such a bad idea.

 

I don't just sit here. I have a job, that I am leaving. On the other hand, I know nobody out here. I know get out go do something. I don't even really know this area, and since I am leaving, I have no desire to. So I am just biding my time until Saturday, then it's off I go on Sunday.

 

Thanks for that insight Magister, A lot of it really made a lot of sense to me. Very well put.

[silentcharon]

I am leaving. We have plans to spend Saturday together hanging out before I leave Sunday morning. Look at the title...is this a good or bad idea? I can see a lot of reasons it would be a bad idea. I see it as a day to start letting go. No talk about us. Just hanging out. I have quite a long drive ahead of me. I can start facing my demons then. I hope someone out there thinks this isn't such a bad idea.

 

I don't just sit here. I have a job, that I am leaving. On the other hand, I know nobody out here. I know get out go do something. I don't even really know this area, and since I am leaving, I have no desire to. So I am just biding my time until Saturday, then it's off I go on Sunday.

 

Thanks for that insight Magister, A lot of it really made a lot of sense to me. Very well put.

 

There's nothing wrong with hanging out with her before you leave- but don't expect anything to change, at least don't get your hopes up. Say your good byes and hit the road when you're done.

[Magister]

I am leaving. We have plans to spend Saturday together hanging out before I leave Sunday morning. Look at the title...is this a good or bad idea? I can see a lot of reasons it would be a bad idea. I see it as a day to start letting go. No talk about us. Just hanging out. I have quite a long drive ahead of me. I can start facing my demons then. I hope someone out there thinks this isn't such a bad idea.

 

I don't just sit here. I have a job, that I am leaving. On the other hand, I know nobody out here. I know get out go do something. I don't even really know this area, and since I am leaving, I have no desire to. So I am just biding my time until Saturday, then it's off I go on Sunday.

 

Thanks for that insight Magister, A lot of it really made a lot of sense to me. Very well put.

 

Well, I find it really difficult to totally give up something I want, so I would stay in that area and make sure I kept bumping into her. Maybe take her with me Saturday while I drove around looking for an apartment. I'd be nice, but keep the WALL OF SEPARATION there. Keep the conversation strictly about the city.

 

But I have no problems covering up my feelings. I expect she'd be back in a few months or so, so the whole situation would be put on the backburner for me. In the meantime, she has given permission to date around, so I'd do that. In fact, doing that would probably make her rethink the whole thing. Don't spend every day with her, but if you know she is likely to be at a certain spot, show up there with friends. If you don't have any friends, get some.

 

If you decide to leave though, don't spend time with her. Tell her you have loose ends to tie up and get out of there. If she asks you what that means, give her a good "Damn, you are just like your parents. You need to learn to respect boundaries." Believe me, if you do that you will start to feel better immediately. When people dump negative emotional energy on you, hand it back to them.

[MisterJ]

Well I found some stuff out. Friday after work, I work until 12pm, we sat on the porch talking. I asked her if there was someone else. She told me of course not. I told her IF there is, I would rather know, don't lie. She told me, AND I QUOTE, "I'm not like that, I don't do that". Talk about A kick in the ass when, yesterday after she left, I decide to look through the history on the web browser. Snooping? Naw, she always said she had nothing to hide. Ha. Yeah she did. There has been someone else. Someone she went to college with. Now she is saying, with him, it will be an every other weekend, blah, blah, blah, you can fill in the rest. My lie, even though no lie is ok, was nothing compared to the kick in the stomach that hers caused to me. When I saw it, I packed up the last of my things, left the computer screen on what I found, and a note saying, "Look at the screen. Tell me again you didn't lie. Why? All I asked for was the truth. You already broke my heart." (There was other things about sending a few things of mine to me, but they are insignificant.) Thats when I jumped in my car and rolled out. I'm 99% sure I drove by her about 1 1/2 miles away, and I considered going back to talk about it. Man forget that. It was my first moment of strength. I fought it, and kept going. Now i'm in my mental rut. I woke up off and on all night. Can't sleep very good. How do I go about dealing with these feelings? I feel used. I feel alone. So many, I could go on forever. I know some of you suggest staying busy, and I have a lot of stuff to do. Working on cars, motorcycles, etc. Do I go NC now? I still want to be friends, and i'm not sure where she stands on that yet. Do I see what she thinks, then go from there? I'm open to ALL suggestions.

[Diver012]

Strict No Contact. You left knowing the truth.. keep moving on. Its not worth confronting her about it. She knows that you know, you left with your dignity. I wouldnt go back and hand it back to her, not ever.

 

If she calls, ignore the phone

If she leaves a message, delete it without listening to it

Go out with friends and keep yourself busy...

 

When I realized that my Ex lied to me and had cheated on me, it was very difficult for me as well. I didnt confront her. I didnt need to. Shes not worth the time and effort. And the quicker I can forget what that bitch did to me, the better off I am.

 

I wouldnt even bother wanting to be friends at this point, I think it would be counter productive to your healing process.

[BrandonBP]

I asked her if there was someone else. She told me of course not. I told her IF there is, I would rather know, don't lie. She told me, AND I QUOTE, "I'm not like that, I don't do that".

I've interviewed/interrogated thousands of people over the years and this line is a surefire giveaway: "I don't do that; I'm not like that."

 

She didn't answer your question. The "answer" she gave was meant to look like an answer without answer the question directly.

 

When a girl says "I'm not like that," it means that she wouldn't normally engage in such behavior, but is not willing to answer the question about the current situation and instead gives this pseudo-answer to dodge the question.

 

Another example:

Q. "Are you dating someone else?"

A. "Why would you ask such a thing? You know I wouldn't never do anything like that!"

 

If someone doesn't directly answer your question, then press them further until you get an outright "yes" or "no." She will eventually be forced to either tell the truth or to lie, but if she lies you'll be able to see the physical cues that will give it away (touching her face, squirming in the chair, picking lint from her shirt, leaning backwards away from you, crossing her legs, swallowing, etc).

 

But you already figured it out on your own without my input. I know it hurts to find out that your girl is sleeping with another dude. I feel your pain, brother.

[Magister]

Well I found some stuff out. Friday after work, I work until 12pm, we sat on the porch talking. I asked her if there was someone else. She told me of course not. I told her IF there is, I would rather know, don't lie. She told me, AND I QUOTE, "I'm not like that, I don't do that". Talk about A kick in the ass when, yesterday after she left, I decide to look through the history on the web browser. Snooping? Naw, she always said she had nothing to hide. Ha. Yeah she did. There has been someone else. Someone she went to college with. Now she is saying, with him, it will be an every other weekend, blah, blah, blah, you can fill in the rest. My lie, even though no lie is ok, was nothing compared to the kick in the stomach that hers caused to me. When I saw it, I packed up the last of my things, left the computer screen on what I found, and a note saying, "Look at the screen. Tell me again you didn't lie. Why? All I asked for was the truth. You already broke my heart." (There was other things about sending a few things of mine to me, but they are insignificant.) Thats when I jumped in my car and rolled out. I'm 99% sure I drove by her about 1 1/2 miles away, and I considered going back to talk about it. Man forget that. It was my first moment of strength. I fought it, and kept going. Now i'm in my mental rut. I woke up off and on all night. Can't sleep very good. How do I go about dealing with these feelings? I feel used. I feel alone. So many, I could go on forever. I know some of you suggest staying busy, and I have a lot of stuff to do. Working on cars, motorcycles, etc. Do I go NC now? I still want to be friends, and i'm not sure where she stands on that yet. Do I see what she thinks, then go from there? I'm open to ALL suggestions.

 

Well, I'm not going to say what you did was wrong because it wasn't wrong, but I have a hard time seeing the point. Since it got you to reconsider your opinion of her, it is probably a good thing.

 

But really, what did you expect finding out she was seeing someone else NOW to do for you? I just get the idea that you are thinking she is this horrible person now and so you're not as undesireable as you would consider yourself if she had just dumped you to be alone. But guy, the fact she gets with someone else doesn't mean anything except that she got with someone else. It is not an insult to you. She could go on to become the "morale booster babe" for the local high school football team and that still has nothing to do with you.

 

Talking to her is pointless; at this point I would seriously leave her alone. Leaving that browser window left her a message, "You're a LIAR!" But really, you don't have any basis for making that call. She told you what she did for pretty much the same reason you "lied" to her parents--it isn't any of your business. Your relationship is over now, she doesn't have to keep you informed about what is going on in her life. Regardless of whether she was or is seeing someone, if you two never get back together, she is sure to go out with someone else eventually. Do you think that, if she doesn't spend 6 months in mourning, she is insulting you?

 

So, all you can say with 100% accuracy is that she did something you really didn't like for a reason you probably don't really understand. Even if she did lie to you, not even liars like to be called liars. And, most importantly, you aren't a judge in his courtroom; you don't have any power to punish her for "perjury." That being the case, don't ask a person a question he doesn't want to answer. Still, you probably won't know that they don't want to answer until you ask him, so next time you think someone is lying to you, don't confront them on it. Play along with it. Calling her a liar and then saying, "Let's be friends" don't go together."

 

I'm not being mean (That is, I'm not trying to be mean); I'm just trying to get you to think this through. There isn't any reason for you to keep in contact with her, except for the fact that once upon a time you had a special relationship with her. But she doesn't want to be reminded of that. And she isn't go to want to be friends with you if that means she has to feel bad. No one likes to feel guilty. As long you keep reaching out to her, any bad feeling she has about this are going to be blamed on you. Instead of, "What I did to MisterJ was so wrong. I really didn't know what I had," it is going to be "I tried to do it as nicely as possible. Why won't he leave me alone?"

[RealBroken]

"I tried to do it as nicely as possible. Why won't he leave me alone?"

 

Ive just been sitting here lookin at that line...........

 

So F*ckn shallow. Its amazing how they think sometimes. They will actually put the blame on SOMEONE else rather than THEM feel guilty.

 

I think half the time, if she was just to turn around and say ..............."Im sorry for doing this to you , i know its wrong, but I have to do it"........... It would make things so much easier on both sides. Not better, but at least your only stabbing him in the back......... and not stabbing him in the back and then kicking him in the teeth when he's down.

 

Instead they wonder, why guys hit the roof when they find out. And then they have to run around avoiding the confrontation of what they have done....... its cowardly..... nothing worse than a coward.........oh and theres the bit where because they have to justify what theyve done to family and friends........... they will exaggerate and sometimes even make up stuff to justify their reasons. They do this because they "KNOW" what they have done isn't right. They try to make it APPEAR right.

 

No I dont think that people should spend 6 months feeling like crap just for the other person.

But swinging from one relationship, straight to the next.... is kinda sick. I couldnt bring MYSELF to do it. Might be a female thing. No offense,....I am really HOPING that im wrong on that! seriously. You should wait at least a bit FOR YOURSELF and YES for the other person.

 

What would happen if you became pregnant, YOU WOULDNT KNOW WHO THE FATHER WAS! Its stupid and not right.

 

Right, lil bit of frustration off my chest there. Happened to me about 5 years ago buddy. i feel for you. In fact its possible it may have happened again 2 months ago.

 

Im glad you can be angry. Anger will help you get over her alot quicker.

Be strong,....... or at least,..... appear it in front of her. Dont let HER beat you OK.

 

I suggest reading other peoples threads just to get a hold of the idea of No Contact and its various benefits.

 

Chin up mate.