flowergirl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Hey,yall, how is everyone? Anyway, I have somewhat of a dilemma. I love my boyfriend very much, but there's just one problem. I've mentioned this on other threads, most recently on the family forum entitled "Am I Being Too Pushy About This?", but this bugs me a lot. Although it's slowly improving, I don't know about the future. My otherwise-lovely boyfriend has this odd social habit, and I'm trying to decide whether he's strange, selfish or both? Sometimes, if he's invited somewhere, he'll cancel at the last minute if he decides he's tired or doesn't feel like being social. It also sometimes takes a couple of invitations to get him to come to dinner, or socialize. Is this a sign of a bad and selfish character or a person who's just strange but still worthy of a relationship?
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Sounds to me like he's just a bit nervous. Social anxiety disorder, maybe? I've struggled with it for years. I HATE being out in public by myself, and it makes it hard to assume adult responsibilities. I hate going to the grocery store, walking down the street, etc... if I'm by myself. Everything I do, I have to do it WITH someone, or someone has to be with me. Co-dependency if you'd like to call it that... just, on people. It's rough, and it keeps my social life from being what it should be at my age (twenty-one). Talk to him about it.
Buttaflyy Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Hey,yall, how is everyone? Anyway, I have somewhat of a dilemma. I love my boyfriend very much, but there's just one problem. I've mentioned this on other threads, most recently on the family forum entitled "Am I Being Too Pushy About This?", but this bugs me a lot. Although it's slowly improving, I don't know about the future. My otherwise-lovely boyfriend has this odd social habit, and I'm trying to decide whether he's strange, selfish or both? Sometimes, if he's invited somewhere, he'll cancel at the last minute if he decides he's tired or doesn't feel like being social. It also sometimes takes a couple of invitations to get him to come to dinner, or socialize. Is this a sign of a bad and selfish character or a person who's just strange but still worthy of a relationship? I too am interested in hearing repsonses about this because I've been beating myself up about this lately. Believe me he probably doesn't mean to offend anyone. I know I don't. I do this all the time and I was about to cancel on a friend of mine last minute just now. I don't mean to be selfish but I usually don't commit myself socially. I say, "I'll try and make it" or "let's see what happens" or something to that effect. Is this a selfish act? I don't think it is if I don't make any promises about attending in the first place. THANKS FOR POSTING THIS FLOWERGIRL!
Author flowergirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Thanks, Ashnicole and Butterfly, for your responses. Butterfly, it's especially good to hear from an insider's perspective. My boyfriend also says things like "I'll try to make it", so I guess that does leave somewhat of a loophole. I know he's not trying to offend anyone, but it does tend to get annoying after a bit; however, there are far worse things for a person to do than this. It's just strange, and, as strange as this may sound, it's somewhat of a relief to me to know it's not personal, because he flakes out on others, too. Ashnicole, I have talked to him about this, and he's trying. If he doesn't make a certain event, he'll try to make it up by coming to a future one or proposing an alternative date to hang out.
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Thanks, Ashnicole and Butterfly, for your responses. Butterfly, it's especially good to hear from an insider's perspective. My boyfriend also says things like "I'll try to make it", so I guess that does leave somewhat of a loophole. I know he's not trying to offend anyone, but it does tend to get annoying after a bit; however, there are far worse things for a person to do than this. It's just strange, and, as strange as this may sound, it's somewhat of a relief to me to know it's not personal, because he flakes out on others, too. Ashnicole, I have talked to him about this, and he's trying. If he doesn't make a certain event, he'll try to make it up by coming to a future one or proposing an alternative date to hang out. Yeah, sounds to me like he's got social anxiety disorder. When he's invited, it sounds like a good idea, and like a lot of fun... but when he actually starts getting ready, it makes him nervous, and he flakes out. EXACTLY what I do.
Buttaflyy Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Yeah, sounds to me like he's got social anxiety disorder. When he's invited, it sounds like a good idea, and like a lot of fun... but when he actually starts getting ready, it makes him nervous, and he flakes out. EXACTLY what I do. You think this is S.A.D?! I don't think that's what was described here. Sometimes people just change their minds. Or get lazy.
catgirl1927 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 You think this is S.A.D?! I don't think that's what was described here. Sometimes people just change their minds. Or get lazy. I'm with you, I'm not sure jumping to social anxiety disorder isn't a bit alarmist based on only the information we have here. I guess it could be a disorder. Or he's just kinda flaky about stuff. Whichever, I realize it's irritating but I don't know if I'd scrap a whole relationship over it. It would really just depend.
Buttaflyy Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I'm with you, I'm not sure jumping to social anxiety disorder isn't a bit alarmist based on only the information we have here. I guess it could be a disorder. Or he's just kinda flaky about stuff. Whichever, I realize it's irritating but I don't know if I'd scrap a whole relationship over it. It would really just depend. There's another thread going on about "flaky people". OP...read up on it. Maybe that describes him? Maybe you can relate some? Really, I did myself. But I'm telling you from experience. When I do this, it isn't intentional.
Author flowergirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I don't know whether it's Social Anxiety Disorder or what (plan to look up the basics on this), but I know he flakes out. Thanks, Catgirl, for the encouraging advice, because my head and my heart have been battling it out over this recently, so reading that maybe it's not bad enough to break up over if everything else is ok is helpful. When it comes to socializing, I'm a pretty inside-the-box person, so it's hard to adjust to someone who's a flake-out about the issue. I guess it's all about meeting somewhere in the middle. Thanks again, everyone.
Outcast Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 You will be an old lonely lady if you wait for an exactly perfect flawless man to come along (and of course you are an exactly perfect flawless woman, right? ). If this is your biggest problem, decide whether you can manage to go to things on your own without being bothered and be understanding that he often isn't up to social interaction or whether you have to have someone who socializes just the way you do. But remember that if you give him up because of this, you'll find someone else with a different sort of problem.
Author flowergirl Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Outcast, you are quite right. I suppose it could be a lot worse, in fact, I know from experience it could, and I have been trying to tell myself that lately, that I should thank God that I have a good, loving man with a quirk instead of a dysfunctional one with a deficient character who's all wrong for me.
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