Jerry223 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Hey everybody, I've been dating this girl for about five years now and we have been engaged since I was 17 (I'm now 20). Anyway the past couple of weeks I've been feeling different, like I'm not sure that she's the one for me anymore. On Friday, I asked her if we could take a break or see other people for a while, and she just freaked out and started crying (for a couple hours) until she finally left. The next few days she kept calling me, and I told her that I still felt the same. On the next Monday she was at my house when I woke up and wanted me to go on a pinic with her, I really didn't want to go but she kept asking me to go and made me feel guilty by saying that she had already bought all of the food. So reluctantly I agreed to go. Needless to say it was very awkward, we just ate our food and then came back to my house. We were watching tv and she kept trying to make out with me, I told her I didn't feel like doing that, but she wouldn't stop. So finally I just screamed stop it several times, got up and went into the bathroom, locked the door and took a shower. When I came out she was gone. Like I said I've been dating this girl for about five years and she's always been there when I needed her, so do I just ignore how I'm feeling or should I end it? My other problem is that there's this girl around my age where I work, and I'm starting to like her. I barely know her but I can't help but think about asking her out sometime. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???? This whole situation is making me feel like complete crap, and right now I see no way out of it. Does anybody have any suggestions? Jerry
tikigods Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 keep broken up with your current. You should never be in a relationship is you feel guilted in it. You are at a point in your life when things are changing and its natural that you want to go and see other things. You havfe been "serious" with this girl the entire time you have been a teen.
Author Jerry223 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 The thing is we're not exactly broken up yet. When I mentioned that I wanted to take a break and maybe see other people she started balling, and kept telling me how her life revolved around me, so I kind of backed down. Also she's the only girlfriend I've ever had and I'm not really sure how to go about breaking up with her. And if I do, I see her mom where I work everyday and it would get awkward.
j.carsey Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Well one thing is clear you can't marry her in this situation. It's unhealthy. What you brought up about taking a break, sounds pretty expected to me. Especially since you have been seeing her exclusively for a very long time, since a very young age. And you can't let her guilt or manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. The crying and insanity that women exhibit when they run into something they dislike usually scares or guilts men into doing something they shouldn't. She is very attached to you and the longer you are together the more attached she will become. I'm not saying that the crying is her trying to manipulate you, it's probably genuine sadness and pain at the prospect of losing someone she loves. Ouch, I know. I've seen it too and it's heart breaking and very sad. Wow this is hard to advise you in this situation. I'd say, use that ability you probably have as a man to kind of ignore the emotional drama (crying etc) and then think about what you really want, think logically. Her reaction should not guide your decision.
j.carsey Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Also don't succumb to "threats". For instance, the threat that her mother will give you a hard time. Or the threat that she will fall apart emotionally without you. Beware getting trapped in this situation. For instance, if it's hard to break up now imagine how hard it will be after two more years with her. And then what will you do, get married while you feel trapped in a relationship? That's no good. Disclaimer: I went through something similar to this, though not nearly as extreme. We had not dated as long as you but she became very attached, and she experienced a lot of pain when breaking up. This genuinely made me feel very sad (empathy I guess) but I was glad I did in hindsight, because I did want to try dating other girls and I thought we were getting too attached and I was not ready or comfortable with it
Author Jerry223 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 But is it normal to just realize one day that you don't feel the same way about a person you thought was the one for you?
Magister Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Only if your crazy. Well, you could also be eight years old, but you indicated you were older so it probably is insanity. You'd have to be a little crazy (or at least uninformed) to think up things like "I've been feeling different, like I'm not sure that she's the one for me anymore" and "This whole situation is making me feel like complete crap" as if these thoughts just sprang up out of nowhere. Everything happens for a reason, right? There are simple feelings and there are complex feelings. Simple feelings are usually maintenance related and mostly physiological--thirst, hunger, tiredness, etc. (Of course, even then what you believe about those things can cause you problems. If you believe that you have to have sex everyday, you will need to have sex everyday in order to feel good or you'll have to give up the belief.) So, simple feelings are easy to deal with. The complex ones, however, don't have any physiological basis. They are entirely driven by your beliefs. If you wanted to see your girlfriend crying her eyes out, you would not feel like crap when you see her doing it. You might even "feel satisfied, like she got what she deserved." So, the best way to deal with this is to examine your beliefs. Really examine them. If you don't think she is the one for you, you should decide why you don't. And, you should realize that EVERY women is nagging and controlling and screws with your emotions when your in a relationship. It comes with the territory.
littlekitty Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 We change a lot between 15 and 20. It's quite likely that you two have been growing apart and changing. There's nothing you can do to help that, it happens. If you aren't happy, and you need to make sure how you feel, then you have to let her go. You can't stay with someone out of guilt. Emotional blackmail (even if inflicted on yourself) isn't a reason to say in a relationship. It won't benefit her if you drag this out, it will only hurt and confuse her more. Tell her how you feel, and explain that it's over. I'd suggest then making taking some time for you, before hitting on this other girl. Just take her out of the equation for now. Finish with your gf because you've grown apart, or because you just don't feel the same anymore. But don't do it because you might like someone else.
Author Jerry223 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 But she says that she still feels the same way about me, and her feelings haven't ever changed. Would it be wrong to tell her that I want to take a break from eachother and see other people for a while, and then see how I feel after that? It's just that neither one of us has ever dated anyone else, and we have nothing to compare it to.
destination_unknown Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I feel it is unfair to say to her you should both date other people and see what happens. She doesnt want to date other people, she wants to date you. You cant have your work cake and keep her on the back burner. You either leave your girlfriend (and this means sensitively yet very CLEARLY that you do not feel in love with her anymore) and no telling her you miss her but still arent sure two weeks later kinda thing. You need to give her a clean break and dont confuse her. Keep in mind you cannot go back after a break up that is very hard for one of the people, they arent the same after. She may not want you back even if you do change your mind in the future. I'm not saying you should feel bad that you dont feel the same way about her, because like the others said big changes between 15-20, but do please be decisive and do your utmost not to confuse your ex, even if she is crying etc. You have to stay firm.
Author Jerry223 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 I'm also kind of afraid that she might hurt herself or flunk out of school because of this. And if either of those happened (especially the first) I don't know what I'd do.
destination_unknown Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Jerry, you cant feel guilty or stay with her because she may hurt herself. I know you feel bad because of course you care about her having been together for 5 years but you cant stay with someone for fear that they will self destruct if your not their boyfriend anymore. Does she have friends and family around that can support her if she needs it?
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Grass is greener, eh? My advice is: do not go from one girl to the other. It will lead to nowhere. If you feel she is not the one for you, break up, clearly and distinctly, and you both will be happier. But do not rush to your work chick, or to anyone else, right away. Make a pause. A long one, perhaps a few weeks, perhaps longer. Think about things. What is possible is your girlfriend had fallen the victim of "Passion Paradox": the tighter she clings to you, the more uncomfortable you get. It's all right, and happens with completely normal people very often. There is a good chance if you leave her on her own, and maybe advice her some psychological training like Lifspring or NLP, in a year, you'll meet a wonderful person who is totally sure of herself. ("Passion Paradox" is a good book, by the way. Read it. It's all about your situation.)
Author Jerry223 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 When I first mentioned ending things, she told me that I was all she had. Which is kind of true because all of her friends have moved away for college. Throughout most of our relationship we've been hanging out every single day of the week. Her family still lives here though.
tikigods Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 It sounds like no matter what we say you are going to find reasosn to stay with her. If you do you are only going to be setting yourself up for more unhappiness and more pain for the off chance that you ever do grow the courage up to break up with her.
littlekitty Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I'm also kind of afraid that she might hurt herself or flunk out of school because of this. And if either of those happened (especially the first) I don't know what I'd do. Whilst you feel responsible for her, understandably, the truth is that you aren't. I doubt she would hurt herself, or flunk out. Her family can be there to support her, and she will in time get over it. Guilt is not a reason to stay, and if it's your only reason, then your being dishonest not only to her, but to yourself.
scrybe74 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 But is it normal to just realize one day that you don't feel the same way about a person you thought was the one for you? You're NOT crazy...and it IS normal. It's normal because you've been together with someone since you were 15 and didn't have the chance to even figure things out for yourself...you're just now starting to pay attention to what's going on inside of you. Listen, like others have told you - HUGE changes happen to you between 15-20. And guess what? You'll have MORE changes between 20-25 and then probably again between 25-30 - but nothing compares with the changes inside of you when you're a teen. Taking a 'break' is showing NO backbone and no respect for you girlfriend and her feelings. You need to make a decision and guess what? I wouldn't blame you at all for wanting to experience other things (people) because that is what you do at your age. You need to know what is out there because as much as you THINK you know now in 10 years you'll look back and laugh at yourself. Do her a favor and if you want to end things....just end it. Give her a chance to heal and move on to someone else. As for you - take it slow. If you end it ...take some time off. You haven't been by yourself since you were a kid and so how do you ever figure out who you are and what you're about? She'll be fine. She has her family and she'll make new friends and she'll someday meet someone nice and move on. To string her along will damage her.
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