jmargel Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I"m glad that you read my post & responded. My suggestion with your husband is to have him see a psychologist. Our marriage counselor told us after about 10 weeks that she was not equipped to deal with her problems. That only a psychologist could. If he can face the past & deal with the problems he had there then I would just about assume that this will cure alot of the problems he's dealing with today. It would perhaps avoid any potential marriage-breaking problems as well. He needs to keep on his toes and realize that what he's doing now to try to save the marriage needs to continue for not just months ahead but years. Like him, my wife likes to try to pull the dictator card. When we talked about that the counselor mentioned that she is a very insecure person but shows the complete opposite. This is why they do this. They don't react to hurt or rejection by crying, they react by revenge & immaturity (in certain ways). I'm not saying what your husband has is what my wife has but I just see similarities. The best way to deal with him is like I said to set concrete boundaries and enforce them. When you two come to a dilema regarding a problem such as him wanting to go out & you wanting him to say home the ultamatium won't work there. The best thing you can say is 'Well if you want to go that is your choice, but I REALLY wish you wouldn't and spend time with us'. Then leave the ball in his court. What he does then is a gauge on how far he's come through all of this. When something he does hurts you, you have to be explicit about it. For example if he did something to hurt you last night, tell him 'What you did last night really hurt my feelings'. At least with my situation my wife doesn't get it until I really spell it out for her. It's like at times you want to scream at them and shake them to gain some common sense but they don't seem to grasp certain things unless you be very direct with them. That's just my take on this. I've only been married 2 years and feel like banging my head against a wall sometimes. With his immaturity don't look at specific things, look at the overall picture in this marriage and the things he's done positive & negative. Just keep your head up and remember the most important people in this right now are you & the children.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Mz. Pixie: your nastiness is noted. You aren't in my situation. You aren't living my life. My circumstances can be as similar to a million people, THAT doesn't make my situation the same, nor does it mean I should do what other people have done simply because certain aspects are similar. If that's the attitude you will have about MY situation then please do us both a favor and back off. Honey, I haven't begun to get nasty with you. I'm just stating the facts as I see them from what you've posted. That's all we've had to go on-what you've posted. I've been here a while- and I'm pretty respected for my opinion around here so I won't let the fact that you're not interested in hearing what I have to say bother me. See, I've been the cheater- so I have a unique perspective on this whole situation. You said your husband doesn't respond well to being told what to do?? This is bulls***. You're holding the cards here if you'd only lay them on the table. He either wants to do whatever it takes or he doesn't. There isn't really a gray area at all. The marriage or this girl- period- no contact- no last hurrah- nothing. I certainly hope that it works out for you the way you want it to. I won't say I told you so if you come back here again to ask for advice. I just call it like I see it.
Chump64 Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 You said your husband doesn't respond well to being told what to do?? This is bulls***. Yep. You are being waaaay to nice, Milf, and you are going to keep getting tromped on, sorry to say.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 You said your husband doesn't respond well to being told what to do?? This is bulls***. Yep. You are being waaaay to nice, Milf, and you are going to keep getting tromped on, sorry to say. Thanks Chump. I can just see me sitting there not telling him what I thought because "he doesn't want to hear it" I've actually gotten divorced- so I know my boundaries. I left my exhusband for way less than this guy has ever done to Milf. I was married longer too. I had a girlfriend who went through this same thing. Her husband packed and left her because she didn't want him to go to some party out of town that all his coworkers brought their mistresses on. She said, "Pack up if you want but either I go or you don't" He knew if he didn't want to lose her he better give in. Then again, one time he was coming home late when she had dinner ready. He would go drink beer and tell her he'd be home at six, then he wouldn't answer his pager (before cells) when she would page him. One night he did this and she threw his dinner out in the back yard. He came home plastered and fell asleep on the couch. She filled a big pitcher of water up with ice and let it set a bit. It got really cold. Then she went over there and pitched it on him. He jumped up off the couch like he was shot and said "Have you lost your mind?" She got right in his face and said, "Do it again". I don't think he ever tried anything like that again.
RecordProducer Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Milf, the only impression I got is that he is not really interested in you anymore. He admitted he was unhappy, but instead of wishing to work on your marriage, he decided and announced that he would be looking for a girlfriend and found one. that's cheating of first degree. You don't know if he sleeps with her or not, but he does drool over her (unless she is ugly like a truck). I think you should turn to yourself and start living your own life, whether it be a divorce or just doing your own thing. That's a good way to make him interested in you also. He wanted an open marriage, right? A girl on aside? I guess that means YOU can also have a boyfriend! Until you're ready to stop putting up with his crap. You can't improve anything for as long as he continues to see her and doesn't want to pay a lot of attention and affection to YOU.
mslucysue Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 You Are In Plain Denial. He Said So Himself He Wants A Girlfriend To Bang.
Mz. Pixie Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Milf, the only impression I got is that he is not really interested in you anymore. He admitted he was unhappy, but instead of wishing to work on your marriage, he decided and announced that he would be looking for a girlfriend and found one. that's cheating of first degree. You don't know if he sleeps with her or not, but he does drool over her (unless she is ugly like a truck). I think you should turn to yourself and start living your own life, whether it be a divorce or just doing your own thing. That's a good way to make him interested in you also. He wanted an open marriage, right? A girl on aside? I guess that means YOU can also have a boyfriend! Until you're ready to stop putting up with his crap. You can't improve anything for as long as he continues to see her and doesn't want to pay a lot of attention and affection to YOU. Yes, see that is the kicker for me, despite the fact that she hasn't actually seen them bent over doing the nasty, he was completely up front with his intentions. "I want a girlfriend, I'm not happy" etc. So, at this point how can we say, "He's not doing it because I haven't caught them in the act". Should really be simple to do so. Get a sitter and borrow someone's car- as suggested before- and see for yourself what he's up for. I think it's a case of I don't really want to know, because as long as their is a doubt in my mind I can convince myself it's not happening. No man invests this much attention in another woman unless he's getting in her pants. I had a close male friend that I used to work with- I actually joked and called him "My work husband" Everyone knew we were buds, but yet he never ever called me at work or at home or texted me on my cell. Not once. He did help me move when I moved out of my house into my apartment but other than that, I've never seen him outside of work or a company business party. I can understand that she doesn't want to know- truly I can. It is heartbreaking I know but there comes a point where you have to pick yourself up- put on your big girl panties- and deal for the sake of your kids.
alfagrl Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I think it's a case of I don't really want to know, because as long as their is a doubt in my mind I can convince myself it's not happening. Boy aint that the truth!...I think we are all guilty of that defense mechanism. ps. I havent been keeping up with this thread- just commenting on that statement.
Guest Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Milf, I am quite astonished on what you will put up with. This marriage is probably way beyond saving. Unless you think allowing your husband to have a woman on the side is "saving your marriage". You are ver unlikely to have actual physical evidence of him having sex with her. Most people don't need that to know. I just caught my wife trying to have an affair. I found cell phone logs (at cell phone provider's website), and I had a keylogger on the PC she uses. It had been on the pc for quite some time. I hadn't been looking at the logs because I trusted her. In the logs, the conversations were of a sexual nature. And they had been chatting for a few months. I have decided to end it. I know she had her reasons, I have been emotionally distant at times. But in my opinion, that is not a good excuse. I have turned away many opportunites with lots of beutiful women. Anyway, you are in denial. I think because you don't have good relationships with your mom and sister, you feel you need to salvage this relationship, to at least have him in your life. Really, you need to make some new friends, you need a good support system. Then you would be strong enough to move on. If finances are an issue, I can understand you staying married, and for the kids. But he needs to be staying home, not out drinking and partying like he's in his early 20's. Remeber; he could leave you high and dry at anytime. You better come up with a Plan B ASAP. I wish the best for you, I really do. One other thing; since he knows you check email, etc.. he just isn't saying anything or leaving a trail. If you are goinbg to spy on those things, you don't want him to know; you want him to slipup there, so you can find out what's really going on. Too late, but we already know, it's quite obvious.
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I just recently went to the other woman, showed her the evidence I had, told her I wanted the truth and nothing but from her or I was taking what I had to her husband. Told her if she was honest with me it would stay between us. SHE SPILLED HER GUTS! She knew she couldn't lie because I had some facts and she didn't know for sure what I knew so she was screwed. Told her if she so much as said hi to my hubby I would see her hubby immediately. Hubby made a comment just the other day that he doesn't know what is wrong with her, she won't even punch out at the same time clock as him or say good morning or anything. I just chuckled to myself....she got the message. Once it is out in the open it really fizzles. But remember if he did it once he is likely to do it again unless the dynamics of the marriage change for the better and you get the the real root of the problems. Sounds like you have moved to anger and revenge....normal process, just think carefully before you do anything that could hurt anyone who is innocent in the situation, namely her husband and your children. Good luck. God bless. Wishing you a happy future.
Guest Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Just to address a few things....... he said he would come home, but that he feels that he has been given no choice and that the only reason he would be there is to not lose me, and I dont want that. I want him to want to be home. I dont want him there simply because I said so. so he went back to his friends friday night. saturday I did not see him, he went to his party, she was there. My gosh, is it just me or is this man the MASTER MANIPULATOR!!!!!! He got her to say he could come home (at his leisure) and he could go to his party and see HER and made her believe she was ok with it. INCREDIABLE!!!!!!!!!!! He's good, REALLY good.
Chump64 Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Choices?! He chose to get married and now he's choosing to mess it all up. He actually got all kinds of choices from Milf. She allowed him to come back. She allowed him to leave again and go to the party, where his girlfriend was. She's allowing him to walk all over her, and she allows him to convince her that he feels trapped / feels that he "has no choice." I don't have a lot of hope for this situation.
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 It's now time to see the writing on the wall and react. Not for you, but for your children. What they are learning, seeing and taking in around them isn't healthy. It's not a "typical" mom and dad relationship in their eyes. Trust me, if you think they don't know what's happening (they may not know all the details) but they feel it, and can see the dynamtic at home. It's not something they need to be exposed to! They're learning how couples are supposed to be later in life by using you and your husband as an example! Take a step back and see what it's doing to them. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your husband is clearly telling you what is what...Why can't you believe him and let go? Personally, I think once you accept what is really going on around you, YOU will feel enlightened because atleast you'll know the truth. You can work through the pain, and eventually make a better life for you and your children. I do wish ya the best.
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