smarkum Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 In April I started feeling like something was not right. Husband talked all the time about a girl that works for him. I asked him if he had a crush on her and he denied it. A few weeks later I caught him calling her and lying about it, even going so far as to delete the record of a long phone call to her from his phone. When I saw that I asked why he deleted the call from his phone. After initially denying it, he then said he made the call. (it was on the Cingular site still so it isn't as if he could really deny it was made) he said it must have been deleted from his phone by accident. They stopped calling each other on the phone for a week, then they started calling each other again. Its been a month and he calls her when he is going to work, she calls him in the evening, he sneaks off to call her. I haven't told him I am watching him again, I have been acting as if I am soooo happy. She is married. When I confronted my husband after the deleted call he asked me not to tell her husband. He claims (she claims) her husband is abusive and will hurt her. Of course my husband and the girl both swear nothing is going on. The rumor mill has had her tied to at least 4 married men in the last few years. my husband insists that their relationship is strictly a professional relationship, but of the 8 people who report directly to him, she is the only one who calls or is called about 20 times a week. I already know not to trust him, but should I tell her husband? I don't want to be petty, but if I could get him watch that side, it may be easier to catch them or confirm that nothing is going on.
Becoming Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Why? What do you hope to have happen as a result of the H knowing?
Chump64 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I would try to collect evidence that there is something going on. If you find that there is, THEN tell her husband. At this point you have nothing but a suspiciously inappropriate friendship, and one deleted phone call. The husband will think you're a bit odd if you contact him. Do your own investigating. It's very likely that your husband is involved with this woman. I've posted a bunch of investigative tips here that worked for me. Let me know if you want a copy and paste. If you go stealth to investigate, be nice to your hubby and make him think all is well / that you are no longer suspicious. IF you find out there is something going on, definitely let the husband know. No question about that. If she's afraid of being beaten, she can call the freakin' police.
Chump64 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 By the way, that "poor me, I'm in an abusive relationship" line is often used by women who are basically begging you not to tell their husbands. It's an old line. It might be true in some cases, but even then -- a) it's not your problem or your fault; and b) again, she can call the police.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 He claims (she claims) her husband is abusive and will hurt her. Of course my husband and the girl both swear nothing is going on. You talk to the OW and tell that if she calls your husband again and you find out about it YOU WILL call her husband. Trust me, if he was beating her and she's had 4 different affairs with MM, she isn't going to take the chance of him finding out so he can beat her some more. That is a bulls*** line she's given your husband so HER husband won't find out. You tell your husband to end whatever it is that is going on between them, never to see/email or talk to her again. And he MUST go to marriage counselling with you or the marriage is over. I think if your hubby knows what he will lose, he'll hopefully stop. It isn't petty to talk to your own husband about this! FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE and GET RID OF THE OW.
Author smarkum Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 This morning my husband tells me that he looked on the computer and found that I had been on this site and me looking at this stuff and bugging the car will damage our marriage. I told him that because of his past behavior I don't trust him still and if I watch him and find nothing then what does it matter. It just confirms what he is saying. He said that it (me watching him) will negatively effect our marriage. he is so mad he can spit. This just makes me suspect him more. I confronted him about the three phone calls to her number this past Friday, when we were spending the day together. One time he went for a 15 minute ride on a motorcycle (alone) and he called her then. we went to the mall and after I went to get my nails done, he called her two more times. He said that he only tried to call her because he had a missed call from her on the phone (but there is not one on the phone bill) so I pointed that tidbit out. He didn't have an explaination for that. I told him this is making me really debate ending our marriage and he still keeps talking to her all the time. UGGGGG!
Becoming Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 The anger is an indication that he's probably guilty. And when you start trying to change things in a marriage that's working for cheating H, expect that things will get worse before they get better. Tell him what you expect from him, tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't do it, and then follow through when he doesn't, praise him when he does.
Tinman Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 The anger is an indication that he's probably guilty. Could be yes. Of course at the same time, if I thought I was being spied upon I'd be pissed too simply on general principle.
Chump64 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 People who have nothing to hide will hide nothing. He needs a swift kick in the a$$. Better yet, the balls. Why are you tolerating his behavior? Sh*t or get off the pot. In other words, make him stop (ultimatum) or decide that you're willing to share him with another woman and deal.
Chump64 Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Why is he stalking your online behavior, anyway? Why are you allowing this? It's funny that he calls his girlfriend's partner "abusive" when it sounds like he is abusive.
AMBERINVEGAS Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Dump Him And Yes Register A Letter And Send It To Her Husband. Mine Is Doing The Same Thing....hides Phone To Charge Where It Used To Be Out In Open...found Several Text Messages From Each Other And Calling. By The Way They Work In The Same Company. If You Have The Same Cell Serivce..by All Means..hop Online And And Look Through Is Repititve Calls In And Out. He's Is A Liar.......and He's Cheating...get Your Info First Or Catch Them..and Tell Him To f*** Off.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I too have been in this situation. Although the women my husband was with was not married. However, the best advise I can give you is, to act like all is well! Do not let on you are suspicious any longer. And the other advice is to take notes on everything and keep them hid. Until you get concrete proof.
sweethonisti Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 If you feel like he has cheated ...he has. It is that crazy instinct we have as women that drive us to searching for evidence...EVEN when we know in our heart of hearts we still need that clear cut evidence. Go with your instinct...if he can lie about this do you think you can really trust him ever? LIfe is too short to live with someone who would do this to you. I can tell you not to drive yourself crazy not looking for evidence but sometimes that evidence is what you need to stop feeling crazy....and you need it as soon as possible because it becomes an obsession. Have a plan for when you do discover some proof because your emotions are going to take over. You are going to be in react mode.... ...you will find something that incriminates him. You would not be on here looking for advice if you did not already know that he is cheating. I wish you the best of luck. I understand that insane feelings and the hurt and betrayal that goes along with a cheating partner... YOu will get through this. If you ever need support you know where to look. -god speed.
Bryanp Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you appreciate someone telling you about inappropriate behavior with their spouse? She has a right to know. By not telling her you are sending a message that there are no consequences to their actions and are in fact enabling this relationship to grow and continue.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 This morning my husband tells me that he looked on the computer and found that I had been on this site and me looking at this stuff and bugging the car will damage our marriage. I told him that because of his past behavior I don't trust him still and if I watch him and find nothing then what does it matter. It just confirms what he is saying. He said that it (me watching him) will negatively effect our marriage. he is so mad he can spit. That's a pretty good passive-aggressive trait he has there... deflecting blame for impacting the marriage onto you. You're the one whose instincts are screaming at his inappropriate behaviour and he blames you..? Nice. As Chump says... his responsibility is to you not to HER. He needs clear direction as to what you expect of him. 1
Sal Paradise Posted July 8, 2006 Posted July 8, 2006 Yes tell her husband. He has the right to know. If you were in his place I'm sure you'd want someone to tell you. Some would say it isn't your business. I'd argue it became your business the second he cheated on you with her.
justice Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Hi, I saw one poster said you had some hints and tips but I couldn't find them, do you mind posting alink? I'd really appreciate it alot. Hope you don't mind that I'm reading you.
mopar crazy Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I haven't read all your replies so if I repeat something I apologize. My H was also having an A w/ a co-worker, he was her supervisor. I wont go into great detail of it all. He actually said he wanted a D. I never told anyone about the D but a few days after he said he wanted a D my good friends would call or stop by and tell me something is going on between him and the OW. Well, I kicked him out of the house, and called the OW to confront her. I knew her, had for years I actually thought we were friends. Anyhow, when I called her H answered. When she got on the phone I told her she may want to go into another room so her H couldn't hear our conversation. I was hurting like he!!, there was no reason to hurt someone else at this point. I figured he would eventually find out and he did. In fact he had more facts about their A than I did. He came to see me several times during their A and we discussed them. I of course cried a river but he didn't, his main concern was his young daughter. Anyhow, he felt awful for having to bring this info to me but to this day I was happy he did it. I would give it some time. If after some time he goes on clueless about the A I would call him, he does have a right to know.
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