Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Interesting indeed. I suppose you would need to break an EA/fantasy into categories? 1. Lustful EA : Where one or both parties may have a sexual fantasy of the other but they do not engage in actual sex. But the only reason to be around the other is because of sexual desire. 2. Verbal/sexual EA: Where one or both parties talk about having sexual desires for the other but do not act on them. ("I want to make hot monkey love to you" statements). Heavy duty flirting. 3. Lifestyle EA: Where the EA may go to a fantasy of living with the other person or taking the place of the spouse one person is with. This one is scarey to me. Any EA is basically an affair in the head that states : I would like to sleep with you, or take our relationship to another level, build a life with you, but I cannot cross that line. (yet?) I think the difference between a fantasy and an EA is to ask is a real relationship possible with this person? Unlikely if it is Brad Pitt or Pam Anderson. But if it is your friends wife, your hunky male neighbor then it is way too close to being a real affair and not a fantasy. If you cannot say or do it in the same room with your spouse watching/listening I think it is inappropriate be it physical, verbal, or otherwise. Interesting breakdown on the categories there, A. The last point is what it all comes down to I guess. What's funny is that what's inappropriate for one person isn't to another. That's where it gets dicey. Thanks, TA. I appreciate your comments as well. I think in many ways this thread will help people. I hope so anyway. Notice I've been playing devil's advocate.
alphamale Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 True Alpha if you cannot play by the rules nor if you do not wish to....... stay out of the game I think quite of bit of a EA or PA boils down to a lack of respect for a partner and for yourself. I agree A4A....if you're going to get married and have a family then respect the instituiton and play by the rules. If you want to mess around and have fun then stay single.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I agree A4A....if you're going to get married and have a family then respect the instituiton and play by the rules. If you want to mess around and have fun then stay single. Amen brutha!!
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 The idea of an affair being anything other than physical is very new, hence people have been plounging into dangerous waters of too close friendships with heavy flirting, no boundaries and advanced to EAs easily thinking it's "not really cheating". Many of my patients reported that "I didn't think it was such a big deal at first!" Then it progresses and grows. For both parties but more commonly for one of them more than the other. The one that invests more, dreams more, hopes for more. That's the party that will get most hurt. Since we're hoping this will some day benefit someone let me bring something else to the table. One other reason for which EAs are more difficult to get over, end or get out of one's system than PAs. Unfulfillment. Because for so long we used to think relationships and affairs too as they are that have to have a physical component to it, we tend to feel very little closure if any when an EA finishes. Because really we (note the collective pronoun referring to "us humans" not me and someone else LOL) DON'T KNOW. Someone is always left wondering "what if" and contemplating how good it would have felt and so on. It's part of the emotional rollercoaster of an EA but not part of the arsenal of a PA where the "what if" referres to a life with the other only not to even the great unknown of the physicality. Hope it made sense.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Yes, it made perfect sense Alexandra. Why was there never a concept of an EA before? Why is this a new thing? I mean I'm sure this kind of thing has been going on forever. What do you think? Are more relationships being ruined now by EA's? Does the internet play a part in it?
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 What do you think? Are more relationships being ruined now by EA's? Does the internet play a part in it? It's definitely a by-product of technology. Before the phone, before the internet it wasn't even logistically very possible. But they have existed all along, all of the greatest romance tales are about EAs Ana Karenina, etc... (Another good sign that they're more painful than normal, that affairs are more painful than broken relationships and in as far as affairs go EAs are more painful than PAs - no, I don't have evidence, YET:cool: -) I don't know if more relationships are ruined because of them, I have no statistics on it yet but there will be some in the coming years. Why was there no concept? Psychology and Sociology are "baby sciences" they're growing every day, and for the record the EA term is not yet widely accepted by the scientific community, they're a bit slow on the pick-up:D
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Yes, it made perfect sense Alexandra. Why was there never a concept of an EA before? Why is this a new thing? I mean I'm sure this kind of thing has been going on forever. What do you think? Are more relationships being ruined now by EA's? Does the internet play a part in it? I believe so! Once you start becoming interested in another, and dwell on it, your hooked IMO. I think the internet is a good source of starting an EA because all you can do is talk to each other, pick each others brains, which I don't know about anyone else, but that is arousing to me, on different levels of course. I think one should just set up boudaries and learn how to control their attractions to the opposite sex.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 It's definitely a by-product of technology. Before the phone, before the internet it wasn't even logistically very possible. But they have existed all along, all of the greatest romance tales are about EAs Ana Karenina, etc... (Another good sign that they're more painful than normal, that affairs are more painful than broken relationships and in as far as affairs go EAs are more painful than PAs - no, I don't have evidence, YET:cool: -) I don't know if more relationships are ruined because of them, I have no statistics on it yet but there will be some in the coming years. Why was there no concept? Psychology and Sociology are "baby sciences" they're growing every day, and for the record the EA term is not yet widely accepted by the scientific community, they're a bit slow on the pick-up:D Are you saying the psychiatric community does not accept the notion of an EA? Hmmm, interesting.
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Are you saying the psychiatric community does not accept the notion of an EA? Hmmm, interesting. Psychology community not psychiatric, I don't give a flying camel about those ones, why would they? They treat things with medicine, not their concern, no one is sick here:D And yes they do, many of my colleagues in couples therapy use it routinely but there are still those insisting "an affairs is an affair and we only validate it further by making distictions".
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 See, I don't get this. Your first paragraph describes a fantasy as an emotional affair going on in your head. But which is it? Is it a fantasy or is it an EA? Maybe it's the SAME thing?No. The difference is the same as with real sex and sex in your head (fantasy). Your partner is not entitled to having information about everything that is going on in your mind. Having a fantasy about another only implies that you're not satisfied with something and your mind seeks outlet. But it's not your fault, it's not dirty, because you can't control your feelings, moods, and thus fantasies about correcting them. You can also have excitement from having a fantasy simply because it brings something new, something that your partner can't give you. But that's not necessarily bad. Cheating (emotionally or physically) is about actions, not thoughts. Moreover, a fantasy doesn't include the intention or consideration of acting upon your thoughts. They are meant to stay in your head only and not hurt anyone. Whenever I've had fantasies that included people other than my partners at the time, it was because I wasn't quite satisfied with the relationships in some aspects. But since you can't be 100% satisfied with your relationship all the time and occasional disappointments are normal, it's expectable to have sudden fantasies about others. You don't have the power to avoid your thoughts and desires (unless you force yourself to think about something else), but you do have the power to not get verbally or physically involved with others. Restricting yourself from doing something is different from restricting yourself to thinking about it. I think the thing that bothers you is WHY fantasies start at all and if they are related to the desire to be unfaithful. For example, if your partner has rejected sex with you a lot in a certain period of time, you might find yourself imagining sex with another man. When things get better, your fantasy is forgotten and you don't have to feel guilty, because you didn't hurt anyone - actually you were the only one who was hurt and your fantasy was just a side product of your dissatisfaction. But if you really slept with someone, it will never be erased from the history. Emotional affairs are painful because your partner and another person act like they are soul mates, they have something special and they are emotionally connected - things that you and him are supposed to have. It's sharing your partner with someone else, knowing that if you were not in the middle, they'd hook up in a heart beat. Although I defend fantasies, I wouldn't feel god if I would find out that my husband had fantasies of ANY kind about other women. But it's not infidelity and I don't have to know what's going on in his head.
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 all of the greatest romance tales are about EAs Ana Karenina, etc... Huh? Anna Karenina had a full physical affair and she split with her husband too. Which great novel is about EA?
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 So what about the person who thinks it will HELP their relationship? How can it help the relationship?!?! Unless you are talking about confiding in a good friend who advises you, but if the two of you have feelings for each other, how can you trust his advice? And yes, it's a fine line between what's harmless and harmful. That fine line is drawn by your partner's ignorance; he doesn't know what's going on so it's harmless. If he is smart enough to suspect that you might cherish romantic feelings for another man - all of a sudden it becomes very harmful. What if a person understood that line and kept it on the side of being harmless and even beneficial? Is it wrong then?You mean hid her feelings from both husband and other man? (let's take a married woman as an example) In that case it's half way between fantasy and EA, I would say. My idea of fantasy was that you don't develop feelings for the imaginary man. He is just a statue of your unfulfilled needs. he doesn't exists in reality the way you imagine him in your mind. You don't accept him with all his faults, you don't care about his musical or political preferences, you don't know what he says or does... he only listens to you, hugs you or makes love to you in your head. When the party is over, he goes back to your drawer together with your dildo. The fantasy man is an emotional dildo - that's all. He doesn't have any shape other than what you create in your mind. He is speechless unless you think of what's he's going to say next. You are not in love with the man from your fantasy, he is only your ideal man that you will never find. Closer to your other YOU than another real man, even if he has the same face as someone you know. but when you start developing feelings for a real person, it takes a dimension of a one-sided EA. I am not judging anyone for having such feelings, I am just describing my thoughts about it. But what if this other man tells the woman that he has feelings for her? What happens then? Will she stop communicating with him? Not tell him how she feels about him? Not start imagining herself with him and distancing from her husband in that way?
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