Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 In your opinion what is the difference between an emotional affair and just plain old fantasy? Do any of you think it's wrong to fantasize about another person when you're married? And what makes it an emotional affair versus just fantasy?
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I think a fantasy is when you sit and think and dwell on being with someone other than you're partner/spouse, but when you start acting on the fantasy and initiating contact with the person being fantasized about, and give into emotions steming from the fantasy, then it is an AE. I'm not sure how I feel about fantasies in a relationship. I guess it depends on who your fantasizing about. I think if you are imagining a sexual act with a movie star or porn star that you will more than likely never have an opportunity of meeting, then it isn't really any different that watching a porno. On the other hand, if your fantasizing about that cute guy/girl next door, then it could lead to reality. I think also it has to do with the self control of the person doing the fantasizing. Some people don't know how to control their desires. We all have them, but we don't have to dwell on them. JMO
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 An EA -in my understanding of the term that is fairly new- is a real affair, which by definition requires action and reaction from both partners and the involvement of the two whereas fanstasies are for the most part unilateral.
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Fantasy is an emotional affair going on in your head. For example, your husband doesn't understand you so you seek consolation in your fantasy. The imaginary guy (even if he exists in your life) gives you consolation and love. But you end up not getting it for real so you're open to your husband for getting it from him. A real EA is like a bigamous way of life - you get your needs satisfied by two men. The other man gets to please the subtle emotional needs in a fake way. I say "fake" because it's easy to love someone from a distance; try and live with them then act the same.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Interesting responses so far. Thanks. But the more I read about it, the more I'm confused to be honest. Alexandra, how can an EA, as you describe it, be a REAL affair if there is no physical contact? What if it's just fantasy on the parts of both parties? What if that's understood? Unilateral fantasies that you're having together? Does that even make sense?
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Interesting responses so far. Thanks. But the more I read about it, the more I'm confused to be honest. Alexandra, how can an EA, as you describe it, be a REAL affair if there is no physical contact? What if it's just fantasy on the parts of both parties? What if that's understood? Unilateral fantasies that you're having together? Does that even make sense? IMO, an EA is an affair of the heart. How would you feel if your hubby fell in love with another? Wouldn't you feel he cheated?
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Fantasy is an emotional affair going on in your head. For example, your husband doesn't understand you so you seek consolation in your fantasy. The imaginary guy (even if he exists in your life) gives you consolation and love. But you end up not getting it for real so you're open to your husband for getting it from him. A real EA is like a bigamous way of life - you get your needs satisfied by two men. The other man gets to please the subtle emotional needs in a fake way. I say "fake" because it's easy to love someone from a distance; try and live with them then act the same. See, I don't get this. Your first paragraph describes a fantasy as an emotional affair going on in your head. But which is it? Is it a fantasy or is it an EA? Maybe it's the SAME thing?
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Makes perfect sense. Now, it all boils down to definitions. If one inisists on defining an affair as needing the physical part then an EA doesn't even exist as a term, it's a fantasy play. If, on the other hand we agree there's an element of wrong doing morally, practically, be it by hiding something from one's spouse or by feeling more for someone else other than them or in any other combination then an EA is a very valid term. Having worked with people in EAs I can say that in my opinion they are often times FAR more dangerous than physical-only or classic affairs and by far more damaging for the initial couple/s.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 IMO' date=' an EA is an affair of the heart. How would you feel if your hubby fell in love with another? Wouldn't you feel he cheated?[/quote'] Good question, TA. Well, we're not really talking about falling in love here. Falling in lust, let's say. How would I feel? Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly. If it enhanced our sex life and made him want me even more than he already does, and I didn't know the particulars about it, I think I'd be ok with it. As long as there was no REAL contact with the object of his fantasies. No physical contact. Say it was someone he just talked to or flirted with occasionally. I guess I don't really believe in this notion of "affairs of the heart." Our thoughts are so private. Our desires and fantasies sometimes are too.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Good question, TA. Well, we're not really talking about falling in love here. Falling in lust, let's say. How would I feel? Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly. If it enhanced our sex life and made him want me even more than he already does, and I didn't know the particulars about it, I think I'd be ok with it. As long as there was no REAL contact with the object of his fantasies. No physical contact. Say it was someone he just talked to or flirted with occasionally. I guess I don't really believe in this notion of "affairs of the heart." Our thoughts are so private. Our desires and fantasies sometimes are too. I think your confusing an EA with lusting. Lusting is a sexual thing, EA's are emotional
alphamale Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 And what makes it an emotional affair versus just fantasy? An emotional affair is still a relationship with someone else. A fantasy is still only a relationship with one's self.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Yes, I think I AM confused. And I think it's a fine line between lusting only and the emotional component. And I DO question this idea of an EA. How were they more damaging than PA's Alexandra? In what way? What were some of the elements present in these EA's that made them more damaging than the PA's?
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 An emotional affair is still a relationship with someone else. A fantasy is still only a relationship with one's self. I see what you're saying. But married people have ALL kinds of relationships with other people other than their spouses.
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hmmm an ill chosen comparison but more or less in the same ways in which breaking up with a f*** buddy is often not nearly as painful as breaking up with someone one loved. Emotions are the sharpest tools for pain there are, that's all. And there's plenty of pain going around between the involved and non-involved parties of an EA (including some for the spouses of those in one because sooner or later they will feel various effects on the negative side.)
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I see what you're saying. But married people have ALL kinds of relationships with other people other than their spouses. But lets be real. Is a friendship going to ruin a marriage? Nope. Is an affair of the heart of even the vagina? Yes. There is a fine line between whats harmless and harmful, JMO. I personally would not do anything that I would even think might hurt my relationship.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Hmmm an ill chosen comparison but more or less in the same ways in which breaking up with a f*** buddy is often not nearly as painful as breaking up with someone one loved. Emotions are the sharpest tools for pain there are, that's all. And there's plenty of pain going around between the involved and non-involved parties of an EA (including some for the spouses of those in one because sooner or later they will feel various effects on the negative side.) I don't agree that there necessarily HAS to be a negative side.
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 But lets be real. Is a friendship going to ruin a marriage? Nope. Is an affair of the heart of even the vagina? Yes. There is a fine line between whats harmless and harmful' date=' JMO. I personally would not do anything that I would even think might hurt my relationship.[/quote'] So what about the person who thinks it will HELP their relationship? And yes, it's a fine line between what's harmless and harmful. What if a person understood that line and kept it on the side of being harmless and even beneficial? Is it wrong then?
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I don't agree that there necessarily HAS to be a negative side. There is no such thing as "necessarily" when it comes to humans and their emotions thankfully. Indeed there are exceptions where two/three/four individuals are knowingly or not involved in an EA or even a PA and there are no scars left on either part. Very. Rare. Exceptions.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I don't agree that there necessarily HAS to be a negative side. Howso Touche? It's betrayal to your spouse no atter how you look at it. Any time you give youself away to someone else, whether that is sexual, physical... it will end negitively.
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I tried to edit it and take out the "Two" that's misplaced there as there can only be combinations of above 3 people for an EA or a PA to be an A and it wouldn't let me. I blame it on my Math
Author Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Howso Touche? It's betrayal to your spouse no atter how you look at it. Any time you give youself away to someone else' date=' whether that is sexual, physical... it will end negitively.[/quote'] How would it have to end negatively? And hey, we're not talking about me here. I'm just asking about this. It's come up many times and I've asked myself this question many times. And yes, I agee with you, Alexandra. I'm sure the exceptions are rare.
a4a Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Interesting indeed. I suppose you would need to break an EA/fantasy into categories? 1. Lustful EA : Where one or both parties may have a sexual fantasy of the other but they do not engage in actual sex. But the only reason to be around the other is because of sexual desire. 2. Verbal/sexual EA: Where one or both parties talk about having sexual desires for the other but do not act on them. ("I want to make hot monkey love to you" statements). Heavy duty flirting. 3. Lifestyle EA: Where the EA may go to a fantasy of living with the other person or taking the place of the spouse one person is with. This one is scarey to me. Any EA is basically an affair in the head that states : I would like to sleep with you, or take our relationship to another level, build a life with you, but I cannot cross that line. (yet?) I think the difference between a fantasy and an EA is to ask is a real relationship possible with this person? Unlikely if it is Brad Pitt or Pam Anderson. But if it is your friends wife, your hunky male neighbor then it is way too close to being a real affair and not a fantasy. If you cannot say or do it in the same room with your spouse watching/listening I think it is inappropriate be it physical, verbal, or otherwise.
alphamale Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 If you cannot say or do it in the same room with your spouse watching/listening I think it is inappropriate be it physical, verbal, or otherwise. yes A4a...the above is a great reason against marriage in the 1st place
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 How would it have to end negatively? And hey, we're not talking about me here. I'm just asking about this. It's come up many times and I've asked myself this question many times. I wasn't necessarily talking about you, just a hypothetical you for the sake of the conversation. I have often wondered about this subject as well so glad you brought it up. I gave you my 2 cents. I think cheating is cheating is cheating. You can place it into however many catigories you want. Thats my story and I'm stickin to it
a4a Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 yes A4a...the above is a great reason against marriage in the 1st place True Alpha if you cannot play by the rules nor if you do not wish to....... stay out of the game I think quite of bit of a EA or PA boils down to a lack of respect for a partner and for yourself.
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