onegodandi Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I've caught my wife cheating on me, at first she convinced me it was just an EA and we started going to counseling. Not long after the counseling I caught her again with him and there's no doubt that it's sexual. We started counseling again but she refuses to break off contact with him and states that she will not ever break contact with him yet she says she wants to "work" things out. I've told her that NC is the only way it'll work but she says that there's has to be compromises when it comes to him. What the Hell do I do ?
PandorasBox Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 She can't try to work things out with you and have this other guy too, and shes probably aware of that, but is more than likely wanting that to happen. Sounds like an ultimatium is in order. I'm not fond of ultimatiums becasue I think that alot of people who give them out don't always follow through. However you might need to tell her, its our marraige or this other guy you an't have it both ways. And if she refuses to give him up and is still seeing him then you need to make a choice as to what to do. Tell her if she doesn't make the choice you will make it for her. I think by her telling you she will never break contact with him probably just gave you your answer as to what you might need to do.
Chump64 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 she refuses to break off contact with him and states that she will not ever break contact with him yet she says she wants to "work" things out. You DUMP her sorry a$$! I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but unless you are willing to share your wife, you have to make her choose. She can't have both, and if she chooses you, she can't have contact with him. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I've caught my wife cheating on me, at first she convinced me it was just an EA and we started going to counseling. Not long after the counseling I caught her again with him and there's no doubt that it's sexual. We started counseling again but she refuses to break off contact with him and states that she will not ever break contact with him yet she says she wants to "work" things out. I've told her that NC is the only way it'll work but she says that there's has to be compromises when it comes to him. What the Hell do I do ? She has no choice here. IF she wants you and the marriage to work, then she MUST end things completely with the OM. She can't have it both ways! That's just selfish!! She needs to understand the consquences of her actions...And sadly, right now, if she has no intention of letting the OM go, you may have to walk away. Unless you're willing to share your wife with the OM -Which I doubt you want to do. I will say this, she isn't thinking clearly at all and right now can't see life without you or the OM. She's in so deep and so addicted to the crushlike feelings the OM brings out in her. So, until she can take off the blinders she has on, things aren't really going to change. Up to you about how much you're going to put up with.
norajane Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Um, no. There's no compromise on this. Do you get to have other relationships too, or is she the only one who gets to keep the security of marriage while banging someone else? Better question, do you really want to save a marriage with a woman who wants someone else? Find a good divorce lawyer NOW, and discuss your options. You might want to start documenting what you know about their affair...could make a difference in the divorce settlement. Then give her the ultimatum, once you've gotten your ducks in a row.
corwin Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 What do you know of this other guy? Is he married? Girlfriend? If so, have you exposed this affair to the wife/girlfriend? What about your wife's family? Have you exposed this affair to them? Affairs thrive in secrecy. The sooner you expose her little fantasy world to the light of day, the sooner the affair will die. If you want to save your marriage, you have to do this. If you don't want to save it, then expose their affair anyway, kick her to the curb and hire a good divorce attorney.
Author onegodandi Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 I know alot about the OM now. He's single and about the same age as I but makes a great deal less money than I. I don't know if he's got a girlfriend or not, I guess it's really not relevant now. I have video, emails, and phone recordings of my wife with him, talking to him, and coming out of his apartment and kissing at night. The more I read everyone's comments the more I realize that I need to put her on the road. We've been married 10 years now but I'm not going to tolerate this at all, Love be damned. She's gonna have to make a choice. NOW. We have one 4 year old boy. That's what my main concern is for the moment.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Wow, we're really speaking with one voice, aren't we? f*** compromise. There can be no compromise when it comes to contact with the OM. As I've said on LS before: he is, quite simply, a cancer on your marriage. You don't placate a cancer, hoping it behaves itself. You cut it out, without mercy. She needs an ultimatum. The sooner the better. But in order to give it, you have to be absolutely firm in your resolve. My suggestion would be, "it's quite simple. The choice is yours. You can have him in your life, or me. NOT both. You have until ____ p.m. on ___day to decide." Give her 48 hours. During those 48 hours, don't talk about her cheating. Don't mope or look sad or anxious. Don't ask her if she's made a decision yet. Try to keep yourself busy, ideally part of the time with friends, i.e. without her. Be confident, upbeat, energetic, and a bit aloof towards her. Go and work out. Do your best to seem like a guy who, frankly, won't give a s*** if she chooses the OM. You might be worried that this will drive her away. IT WON'T. If anything, it will bug the hell out of her -- she'll be wondering why you're suddenly not dancing to her tune. She may well schedule things so that ____ p.m. on ___day rolls around and she's out. That's okay. Don't phone her or pester her to come home. However, as soon as she comes home, put the question to her. If she says "I choose him" or refuses to make a choice, tell her that you're going to speak to a lawyer in the morning. Then, continue the mode of behaviour I set out above. There's nothing to say she can't change her mind, or that you can't welcome her back if she does. But what you'll have shown her is that, whatever happens, you're getting on with your life. That's far more attractive -- and far less appealing for her to risk losing -- than somebody who's moping about like a puppy that just got kicked. And I'll bet you anything she WILL change her mind. Good luck bro...
stillhere Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I'm sorry in advance for what i'm about to say...........but i was in her position, and you are where my H was. I was caught, and i told him that i would try to work things out, but i really didn't want to, i just didn't want to hurt him even more. I never gave up my OM and i'm still with him today. What i wanted from my H was for him to leave me on his own, but he wouldn't do that. I wanted so bad for him to say "it's over" and walk out the door, but he just wouldn't give up. I never stopped seeing my OM, and he knew i was still seeing him. I told him that if i had to choose, i would choose my OM, and i did. I'm not saying that is what she wants, but from my own experience, that is what she's doing. There is no compromising here, if i were you, walk away and never look back. The love you once shared is no longer there, otherwise she wouldn't be asking you to share her.
corwin Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I know alot about the OM now. He's single and about the same age as I but makes a great deal less money than I. I don't know if he's got a girlfriend or not, I guess it's really not relevant now. I have video, emails, and phone recordings of my wife with him, talking to him, and coming out of his apartment and kissing at night. The more I read everyone's comments the more I realize that I need to put her on the road. We've been married 10 years now but I'm not going to tolerate this at all, Love be damned. She's gonna have to make a choice. NOW. We have one 4 year old boy. That's what my main concern is for the moment. Sounds like you have plenty of evidence... more than enough actually. But have you used it for exposure yet? This is key to ending the affair and/or knocking the wayward spouse off of the fence one way or another. She'll be furious at first but that will only be caused by her own embarassment and guilt. Remember, this affair was her choice.... you have nothing to be embarassed about by exposure.
Bryanp Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would have put up with the amount of total humiliation and disrespect you have endured and continue to endure?
Author onegodandi Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Well I finally blew up last night. THX all for the comments and wisdom. I told her to make a choice and told her to make it NOW (last night). She sat there and just stared at the tv and I asked her if she was going to say anything and she said "I don't know what I want right now". I usually never curse but that did it. I told her that she's already answered the question and it was time to talk about divorce and I suggested she go stay with her mother from here on out. She refused to leave and I told her that I would make arrangements to leave then and I would go ahead and tell her mother and father everything (they've don't know anything about this). Her last comment before we went to bed was "I still love you" and "I'll be disowned if mom finds out" my last comments were "obviously not enough" and "tough sh*t". I feel good today.
catgirl1927 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Ha! I think you should feel good. You're probably relieved. I can't believe she did this horrible thing and wants you to keep it secret from her parents. "I don't know what I want"??? Why do people think that would be acceptable? What, are you supposed to waste your life sitting around waiting?
johnlucas Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Well I finally blew up last night. THX all for the comments and wisdom. I told her to make a choice and told her to make it NOW (last night). She sat there and just stared at the tv and I asked her if she was going to say anything and she said "I don't know what I want right now". I usually never curse but that did it. I told her that she's already answered the question and it was time to talk about divorce and I suggested she go stay with her mother from here on out. She refused to leave and I told her that I would make arrangements to leave then and I would go ahead and tell her mother and father everything (they've don't know anything about this). Her last comment before we went to bed was "I still love you" and "I'll be disowned if mom finds out" my last comments were "obviously not enough" and "tough sh*t". I feel good today. What was said here is A LOT BETTER than the title of this thread "What do you do next??????????" Glad to see you've rediscovered your balls. Never lose them again. Congratulations on realizing your self-worth. John Lucas
a4a Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 What was said here is A LOT BETTER than the title of this thread "What do you do next??????????" Glad to see you've rediscovered your balls. Never lose them again. Congratulations on realizing your self-worth. John Lucas YES!! CONGRATS!
reservoirdog1 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 [Pumping fist in the air] YEAAHHHHH!!!!! Dude, you've just become my personal hero. Inspirational. You nailed it. Perfectly. Follow through on your statements. Start writing a letter to her parents, but keep it level (i.e. don't attack -- she's still their daughter, and you want them in your camp). Be matter-of-fact: she's admitted to cheating, doesn't want to end contact with the OM, that's unacceptable to you, you're moving out. However, don't send it quite yet. Start packing -- get a flat of boxes and start putting stuff in them. What you want to show her is that you meant what you said, that your words weren't just threats. She has to be shown that you will carry through on them, and that the only thing that could stop the process is a change of attitude from her. The reason I suggest waiting on the letter is, you want to give her a chance to change her attitude before you unleash hell. A few days should do it. In the meantime, stay strong. You're doing great. Power, brother.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Now it's all up to her. GOOD for you for standing your ground and staying strong. I'm sure that wasn't easy to do, but under the circumstances, she didn't give you much choice. Let her sit and stew in it for a while...Once she's alone and realizes WTF she's done, then hopefully she'll be 100% honest and decide to end the affair and go to counselling with you. Stay strong.
Sup Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Well I finally blew up last night. THX all for the comments and wisdom. I told her to make a choice and told her to make it NOW (last night). She sat there and just stared at the tv and I asked her if she was going to say anything and she said "I don't know what I want right now". I usually never curse but that did it. I told her that she's already answered the question and it was time to talk about divorce and I suggested she go stay with her mother from here on out. She refused to leave and I told her that I would make arrangements to leave then and I would go ahead and tell her mother and father everything (they've don't know anything about this). Her last comment before we went to bed was "I still love you" and "I'll be disowned if mom finds out" my last comments were "obviously not enough" and "tough sh*t". I feel good today. Um, tell HER parents Anyway, oh and go for FULL custody of your son, find out about YOUR rights MAN! Um, why do you have to leave boot her butt out! That may be used as abandonment on your part, SHE shold leave!
corwin Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 I agree..... don't leave the house. It could be used as abandonment on your part. At least get a signed and legal seperation agreement before you do. Also, yes, tell her parents. Now that you've threatened her with it and not acted on it, you're giving her time to spin lies to her parents. She'll make it out that you have been a horrible husband and that the other "dickhead" is rescuing her. Parents will want to believe their own flesh, no matter how ridiculous the lie. Use your evidence and expose the affair.
norajane Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Good for you!! I agree with the other posters - don't leave the house. Stay in your house, you'll need to be present to show you want to maintain all your parental rights. There's no reason you should take a crappy apartment while she gets the house and continues her affair.
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