angel_face2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Please help, here is my problem: Hi, I'm 21 and I've been with my boyfriend(20) for 6 months. When i first met him, my ex boyfriend was also trying to get back with me and it took me 2 months to decide who I really wanted to be with, but I finally chose my current boyfriend. It was a very difficult time for him (and me!) as i seemed to be jumping from one person to the other but I was completely confused. Since then he's had big trust issues with me, which I can totally understand. We're both students studying in England, however I am from Ireland so i go home every 2 months or so, just for a week. The last time I was home, i promised him i wouldn't drink alcahol when i was out with my friends, but once I was out I thought "whats the harm in one?", so i had a few drinks.I really didn't think it was a big deal but I probably should have known better. He figured it out and went ballistic. He made me come home early from my night out and leave my friends birthday celibration. He said he was going to break up with me unless I flew back to england the next day!!! i managed to persuade my parents to pay for the flight money (250euro!). Basically now, he says I have to prove something big to him because I broke his trust but i really didn't think it was a big deal. i'd never cheat on him or anything like that coz i love him to bits but I didn't believe having a few drinks would cause him to react so badly. Thats the basic background. At the moment I've just come home to work for the summer for 3 months so we're in different countries again. We agreed before I left that i wouldn't go out to niteclubs or pubs all summer or drink a drop of alcahol because i broke his trust the last time. i think I'm doing alot for him. but today he's decided that i cant even go watch my brother in a sports match this evening!! This was not part of the agreement! he's basically saying that if he tells me not to go somewhere or do something I have to do what he says coz he can't trust me. I'm really upset and I think he's being really unfair and cruel. its making me think that maybe i should end the relationship, i just don't like his controllingness and I'm afraid he could try to control me in the future. But other than this problem, he's a great boyfriend, really the best I've ever had and I love him to bits. it'd break my heart to lose him but I know sometimes you have to let your common sense rule over your heart. What do you think I should do? Do you think he has good reason to do what he's doing? or should i end it for my own sake? Please help!! Thanks alot
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Unless you did something during the relationship, then I don't see where he has any reason to not trust you. It seems to me like he is using the whole trust thing to control you. Now all you have to do is decide whether or not you can handle that. I personally could not. Have you done anything shady in the past while drinking alcohol that would make him distrust you, or is it just because of the drama you guys went through before you chose which guy you wanted a relationship with?
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Have you done anything shady in the past while drinking alcohol that would make him distrust you? If the answer to TA's question is no, then I think you need to tell him that you can not agree to his rules about controlling your life. If that means he walks then it's definately for the best. There appears to be little or no trust from his side, and he appears to be very controlling if you've done nothing to make him mistrust you. My SO would never impose these types of rules on me. He trusts me that I will not put myself in a position that would effect our relationship. Going out with your friends and having a drink is part of being social, especially at your age... hell it is at mine too!! And saying you can't see your brother, that's just outrageous! This behavior from him isn't on. And no doubt at some point, you will fail, simply because you actually want to enjoy your life!
Author angel_face2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 its mostly because of what happened at the start but when i was 18 i cheated on a boyfriend when i was drunk but i've explained to him that i could never cheat on someone when i'm in love with them. i was completely faithful to my last two boyfriends. i was young then, i've matured now and i'm totally in love with my boyfriend, i'd never do it to him and i tell him that all the time. I don't think he's ever fully trusted any of his girlfriends in the past and he's always had the control in his relationships but its the one thing that bugs me. i don't want to be controlled
catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Well, as someone who has been cheated on, I can say that you can't hold people responsible for something someone else did. Just because those girls cheated doesn't mean that you will, and you've been convicted without doing anything at all. Frankly, this sounds like a very unhealthy situation to me and I can't believe you're standing for it. If he has no trust for you, he needs to go find someone he can trust. And you deserve someone who recognizes that you are an individual. It's very immature when people think that every single person of a particular gender, race or other affiliation is exactly the same.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Well, as someone who has been cheated on, I can say that you can't hold people responsible for something someone else did. Just because those girls cheated doesn't mean that you will, and you've been convicted without doing anything at all. Frankly, this sounds like a very unhealthy situation to me and I can't believe you're standing for it. If he has no trust for you, he needs to go find someone he can trust. And you deserve someone who recognizes that you are an individual. It's very immature when people think that every single person of a particular gender, race or other affiliation is exactly the same. I agreed!!
norajane Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Yes, he's asking too much and no, it's not fair, and no, you shouldn't put up with it. How could he ask you not to go out at all over the summer? WTF? He's wayyyyy too controlling and distrustful of you, and that will only get worse if your relationship develops further.
ash8752 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 he is asking way too much of you. You need to tell him that if he wants to be with you then he needs to put faith and trust into your relationship or it will never work. This is coming from a person who is jealous and insecure (myself) but i am learning to deal with it. If you want a future you have to trust them. Tell him you wont hurt him, you love him and that should be enough. if it isnt then tell him you cant be in a relationship like that. You are 21 and want to have fun with friends, not cheat, but have innocent fun.
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 He doesn't trust you... leave. Without trust in the relationship, there's nothing. I do believe people can work through problems like this, but it doesn't really sound like he's willing to work through anything... he just wants you to be right where he wants you, so that in his head, he knows you're not doing anything he doesn't want you to... I don't think that's really what it's about. I don't handle people telling me what to do very well at all. If I were in your shoes, I'd leave before he started abusing me. Honestly, that seems like it's the next step.
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