sunnie23 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I just posted a message about how my boyfriend basically treated me like a piece of crap when he was drunk last Saturday. For those of you interested in the background, the message is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90804/ Since Sunday he's been going out of his way to make it up to me. I've been getting sweet emails, yesterday he took time out of a very busy schedule (and missed the hockey game) to take me out for dinner. He's been calling and calling and calling and is trying to reassure me that he wants to be with me and would hate for anything to come between us. He even held my hand when we were walking through the mall last night (yes, he even took me shopping!!!). We aren't publicly affectionate people so this came as quite the surprise. Is it ok for me to forgive him? He is definitely doing all the right things, but then i remember how bad the night was and i feel like i'm an idiot if i do forgive and forget. I refuse to be a doormat and I refuse to accept his behaviour. Can I do that but still keep him in my life? I love him so this is very hard.
BrandonBP Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 So he was drunk and said stupid stuff. It happens. He's trying very hard to show you he's sorry. If you like him, then go for it. If you don't want to forgive him, then go out with someone else.
tikigods Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 While I say you can forigve him, I wouldn't forget, and if this happens again then I Would be gone
timidity99 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 No do not forgive him. If I were you I would dump him to get revenge. Dump him. Do not forgive him.
destination_unknown Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 i would say give him a chance. (but then again, i was him for a while!) he is really making the effort to make it up to you. If it happens again then get out.
Outcast Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Allow people one mistake (except in the case of bodily harm). You'll know he means it if he never does it again. If he does it again and then follows up with the same 'forgive me' routine, drop him.
riobikini Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 re: Sunnie: " when is it stupid to forgive? " Sunnie, you already have some really good answers to your question from the posters, above (Outcast, Timid, Tiki). To drive the point home, let me give you this: I'm an avid volunteer, (have been for over half my life) involved with many different organizations and agencies in the community where I live, -and probably, the single most frustrating emotions I have ever felt have been those during my volunteer time with abused and battered women at a local shelter. They've asked the *same* question you have just posed to this board: "When is it stupid to forgive?" or similar questions like, "Why can't I just let him go?" or just the sad statement, " I love him, -I can't live without him", -or the 'cannonball, "He loves me, -he didn't mean it, he said he'll change." But they rarely do. And all the above statements were spoken by women who still carried fresh bruises, black eyes, fractured jaws, broken bones of all kinds, as well as other injuries. Your situation isn't *physically* abusive, and I note that, but it still brings to the table a similiar mindset from the same direction: one that *allows* abusive behavior, either emotionally *or* physically. And here's the thing I want you to see *most* out of this: Sunnie, it's *your* behavior that's keeping the door open -only you have the power to permanently close it. *That 'door' doesn't belong to *him* to command open or shut.* If you even half-realize that the relationship is an unhealthy one for you (or one that makes you feel 'bad' emotionally on a constant basis), -then it's *you* who is more responsible for your own dilema. You can't 'pass the buck', here. Either you want him *knowing* that he's bad for you, -and you accept that- or you make a grown-up decision to end it. Said in all kindness in regards to your present well-being and better outcome, -Rio
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 He even held my hand when we were walking through the mall last night Huh? He usually doesn't? Forgiveness is a feeling inside our hearts, not something you seek advice on. You can forget the past if it doesn't repeat in the future. But what if it does?
timidity99 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I wouldn't even allow one mistake. I don't believe in giving 2nd chances. Dump him and teach him a lesson.
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 When you have to ask this question, I say that about hits the nail on the head.
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I wouldn't even allow one mistake. I don't believe in giving 2nd chances. Dump him and teach him a lesson.Nobody is flawless and everybody makes mistakes. You can choose not to forgive a particular mistake, but you can forgive 1000 other mistakes. If you don't allow even one mistake, you'll end up alone. Would you like people to treat you the same way - dump you every time you make a mistake? Or do you think that you never make mistakes? Oh, right there you're mistaking the most!
riobikini Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 We might learn to forgive someone who has wronged us, accept the failure, turn it into as much of a success as we can, and live well and far past it. But *repetition* of the *same* mistakes out of the *same* person is a boldly waving red flag that similarly represents what tradition calls flags to represent or call attention to: it beckons the opportunity to remove yourself from a caged-in, disabling, self-respect-draining way of life, rule, and thinking, and signifies the wholesome, dream-inspired, empowering fuel of particular and essential freedoms, and symbolically reflects the human struggles invested in acheiving it. The short uncomplicated version of that: you keep accepting that same mistake and you become a slave to it. You *break* those patterns of behavior, as I've said before, by taking a resolute stand, changing your *own* behavior, and putting a *complete stop to the foolishness.* -Rio
hyakku Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 No do not forgive him. If I were you I would dump him to get revenge. Dump him. Do not forgive him. Are you single now? I really would find it hard to believe you are in a relationship. Let me tell you, I am not someone who particularly favors relationships as much as most, but I can tell you that don't screw yourself over for this. He did some flirting, and nothing came of it, he was drunk AND he was even responsible enough to tell you that he was drunk and that you would get no where talking to him that night and waited till morning when he sobered up to talk. I am not an advocate of drunk behavior, I despise the act of drinking, but he made a tiny mistake. You are happy, he is happy, he has apologized and EVEN took it one step further sacrificing his time, money and effort to drive the point home, yet you are still worried? Do not listen to bitter people who are just cold on the inside. Let it go, don't forget it, but let it go. If it happens again and again and he pulls the same routine then its time to drop it, but if this is the very first time (and such a minor infraction), just let it go, you are going to ruin your happiness over paranoia. And to be honest, not to seem like I'm siding with him, but he's known her and was only sitting on her lap, its not THAT serious. He obviously had no itentions otherwise he wouldve made his move as he got drunker, again you are going to ruin your relationship over something that is nearly non existant. Go enjoy yourself and him.
timidity99 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Nobody is flawless and everybody makes mistakes. You can choose not to forgive a particular mistake, but you can forgive 1000 other mistakes. If you don't allow even one mistake, you'll end up alone. Would you like people to treat you the same way - dump you every time you make a mistake? Or do you think that you never make mistakes? Oh, right there you're mistaking the most! Why not? She certainly has every legal right to dump me no matter how ridiculous the reason might seem to me. I don't really want forgiveness from anyone I've wronged anyway. I work out my own plan of compensating for my wrongs.
timidity99 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Are you single now? I really would find it hard to believe you are in a relationship. Let me tell you, I am not someone who particularly favors relationships as much as most, but I can tell you that don't screw yourself over for this. He did some flirting, and nothing came of it, he was drunk AND he was even responsible enough to tell you that he was drunk and that you would get no where talking to him that night and waited till morning when he sobered up to talk. I am not an advocate of drunk behavior, I despise the act of drinking, but he made a tiny mistake. You are happy, he is happy, he has apologized and EVEN took it one step further sacrificing his time, money and effort to drive the point home, yet you are still worried? Do not listen to bitter people who are just cold on the inside. Let it go, don't forget it, but let it go. If it happens again and again and he pulls the same routine then its time to drop it, but if this is the very first time (and such a minor infraction), just let it go, you are going to ruin your happiness over paranoia. And to be honest, not to seem like I'm siding with him, but he's known her and was only sitting on her lap, its not THAT serious. He obviously had no itentions otherwise he wouldve made his move as he got drunker, again you are going to ruin your relationship over something that is nearly non existant. Go enjoy yourself and him. Yes I'm single by my own choice. I do the dumping 75-80% of the time. It really depends on what you consider a serious mistake. What may be a serious mistake to me may be a minor infraction to you. I also operate the same way when I make a mistake. I don't seek forgiveness from those I've wronged because I know they are under no obligation to forgive me. I've even told a girl I dated once that if she didn't dump me for something I did wrong then I would go ahead and do it for her.
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Why not? She certainly has every legal right to dump me no matter how ridiculous the reason might seem to me. I don't really want forgiveness from anyone I've wronged anyway. I work out my own plan of compensating for my wrongs.Well that's just you. I don't want to live my life in punishments and regrets because of every mistake I've made. I want love, understanding, and forgiveness and am willing to offer the same to the ones I love. I find it more rewarding to argue then reconcile when something bothers me than divorce the man I love deeply.
timidity99 Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 My unwillingness to forgive myself is one of the reasons I do the majority of dumping. If she doesn't want to hold my past mistakes against me then I will. Sure I want to be loved but I may not want to be loved in the same way others do. I did let go of someone I loved deeply because I didn't want to forgive her or myself. I have a right to do that. I'm not hurting anybody. You are not required to have a good reason to dump somebody.
Tinman Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 My unwillingness to forgive myself is one of the reasons I do the majority of dumping. If she doesn't want to hold my past mistakes against me then I will. Slight nitpick. When you do this you're not really just "holding your mistake against yourself." You're also holding her mistake against her. Albeit in this case her mistake seems to be that she didn't judge you as harshly as you felt she should have. Basically, you're punishing yourself by ending the relationship while simultaneously punishing her for not punishing you harshly enough. Seems like kind of a weird power thing to me but to each their own.
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