KH545 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hi all I have never done anything like this before, but after reading through some of the posts I think maybe somebody can give me some advice. My gf of 4 years broke it off 3 weeks ago. We have been living together for 3.5 years, and in january moved to a new city together. She has broken up with me because she "needs to be able to stand on her own 2 feet and prove she can survive alone". This came very suddenly out the blue. She did not have a plan on how to seperate, so for the last 3 weeks nothing seems to have changed besides having sex. we still sleep in the same bed, go out, call to see who is making dinner etc. But is really killing me because she is getting the best of both worlds, being able to do whatever she wants because she's single but also having me as a support. I cannot kick her out, although I own the place we are living in, as we are in a new town and she wouldn't have many places to go and the only thing she really owns is the washing machine. The problem lies in the fact that she says she still wants to be with me, and calls it a break, but cannot give me a time frame (3 months, 1 year 2 years???) she also wants to be friends and wants to see me. She should have found a place to stay by next week, so maybe it wont be as weird. I have told her how I feel and done the get jelous/angry/sad... but I now have to be change that. When she moves out how do I react or act towards her? To make matters worse I have already booked and paid for our holidays to Mauritius in September for her birthday and to Austria in december. She says we might be back together but can't tell. I also know she is in contact with a lot more guys than when we were going out. But I don't believe or think she would be seeing anybody else. Any advice on what I should be doing and how if possible I can try and get her back (I still love her and am not willing to let some of my best years be thrown away). I really am lost...
Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 do exactly as she is doing...... Go out and have a good time in another social scene. She wont like it. Act like you can survive without her. Push pull theory works. If you move to her she'll pull away. So pull away...... go do ur own thing....... she'll wonder and follow. Possibly anyway, but i think thats all u can do. Plus probably other advice....... people..... help this man!!!
Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 You have two options really depending on what kind of guy you are. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. That environment is poisoness to you. Get out of it as soon as possible. Option A Give her a deadline for when she needs to be out, 2 weeks max. One partner makes the decisions, the other has to make sure they follow them through. If you don't want to boot her to the street, stay at a friend's place 'til she is gone, that's your call. Getting out will do a lot of good though. Let her go and support her decision, but stop supporting her. She wants to be independent but will continually call you asking for help and advice. Give her none, as hard as that is. She wants to be responsible, she can have all of it. She is growing and needs this time to do so, as selfish as it is, in a month or so she is gonna see things much differently, what happens from there is up to you. She will probably see someone else, I assume she hasn't been with many guys before. If that is a problem to you, make it loud and clear. You deserve respect if she ever wants it back. Don't contact her for at the very very least 2 weeks once you've stopped being together. If you want to do the friendship thing that's up to you, but in doing so you will just be supporting her emotinal needs while she dances around feeling happy go lucky doing whatever she wants. Option B Tell her to get out by the end of the week. She has friends, she can stay with them. Don't call her, don't answer her calls. If she is persistent, or you haven't already said so, tell her you just want to have fun with you and your friends for a while and not have to deal with her, and that it would be appreciated if she'd leave you be for a while. (What goes around comes around attitude ) It sucks, but sometimes you have to play daddy to the immature ones. Keep that mind while you do some self-reflection, and don't be affraid to judge her. This is the person she is. Whichever option yu choose, don't stray too far from your own values.
Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I'd get a refund on those tickets if possible. They will only give you hope, which will be the rel killer.
ddd Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hi KH - I really feel for you. You sound like a very level-headed and genuine guy and I am sorry that you had to go through this. Can I ask how old your girlfriend is? I don't think there is much you can do at this stage. Its her decision and you have to respect that. Things are tough at the moment because you guys are still living together but that will soon change and once it does, you need to pull back. As you said, don't let her get the best of both worlds. Let her miss you, wonder about you, think about you. If you cease all contat with her, she may realise what she is missing, If not, well, then you will have already started your healing process. So make sure she moves out, let her know you love her but can't be just friends with her and then literally disappear from her life. Its hard, but its for the best.
Author KH545 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Thank you for the advice. Last night she told me she has found a place and is moving out on friday. It feels almost as bad as when she broke up with me as now I know it is 'over' and that hurts. I know she is also hurting, but she doesn't show her emotions at the moment,so I end up telling her how I feel. STUPID hey. The next problem I need some advice on is this, because we are in a new city, and she is a chartered accountant (at least has met many new people and made lots of friends) me on the other hand moved my company to the new city, and my employees aren't the types of people I would or could become friends with and go out for beers etc. So she has made more friends and I joined her circle. So now she knows that my friend circle is limited, and I could easily immerse myself in my work, but she would expect that and I already work pretty darn hard. I think the problem is that she knows me so well, that whatever I decide to do she already knew I would do that. She knows how I think and operate and she wont allow me to get a reaction out of her. (even when I said I was thinking of leaving the country for a while and live life a bit -which I would do- and I know that woulld kill her and she also knows that it is a credible threat and yet no reaction.) So do I just ignore her completly from Friday on????? but how can I, I would rather sit on the couch with her or cook together just hoping that maybe she will change her mind and having my heart broken time and time again than not see or speak to her. AAAAAHHHHHH !!!!???? ddd: She is 24 and I am 24
Diver012 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 After she moves out I would go strict NC. No ifs ands or buts... Take some time to yourself. Try and befriend someone you find interesting. Maybe you should leave the country and live a little. I dont see anything wrong in doing that... wish I could afford too.. hehe
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