btp2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Im 20yo and iv been dating this girl for about 6 months now and i was a virgin before i met her, i have only had one other girlfriend before her and it was only for about 3 months, we only did hand stuff, and she was my first for that. Iv only hooked up with 5 girls in my life. Before i start describing my problem it would probably be good to explain where im comming from: In my life i havent ever been the crazy outgoing party type. Iv never smoked or drank in my life and i hate both of those things so much. I dont mind drinking so much if its responsible drinking, but where i grew up all the kids would ever do is say "yeahhh lets go get f***CED UP!!!" and i would allways see my best friends do retarded things, hook up/have sex with random people, doing lots of drugs, puke there guts out all night. etc... For me, all of this never really seemed logical. So i never started, and i dont know if i ever will. Because of this i have allways hated when people close to me drank. Because i only saw the bad things that came out of it, and i hated seeing people close to me act retarded and do things they regreted later. I have allways despised of random hookups also, i hate it when people just go from person to person to person all the time. story: After the first month of dating this girl i asked about previous boyfriends and sex in her past and i didnt really like what she told me. She had, had 13+ boyfriends before me and had sex with 2 of them. (god knows how many other guys she hooked up with, im too afraid to ask) She lost her virginity to rape at 15yo when she was drunk at some party, met some random guy and started making out...then the guy brought her in the back room and took advantage of her. ......She didnt have sex again after that untill she was 16 in her first more serious relationship of 2 years. After that she didnt have sex again untill this other guy she was with for 1 year...Then there was me. When i first met this girl, i was on a college trip and it basically was one big party the whole time, which i didnt really mind because i didnt really know the people that well, i just kinda act awkward when people start to get drunk around me when im sober. During the trip i started to like this girl, and i could tell she liked me. She would drink with everyone, but she was moderate with her drinking from what i could see. So it wasnt too big of a turn off, BUT it was every night, which i didnt really like about her. But then one night i saw her smoking weed (BIGGEST turn off in the WORLD for me) but at this point i had allready really started to like this girl so i didnt really care. After the first month or so of going out with her i found out that she only smoked weed a few times in her life, and the only reason she smoked on the trip was because she was desperate to find friends because she had just moved from canada and she was really lonely. But none the less, i really disliked it. Ever since she was with me i she never really drank or partied after the trip, but this one night she went to a friends house and got kinda drunk. When i heard this i got pretty upset because of what she told me before (her rape) because for me, (like i said above) i allways see the bad things of drinking, so i allways just assume she is doing the worst. After being really upset when i went to go pick her up, She sat me down and explained to me that there was a difference between being drunk and being "fun/tipsy", which i never really understood, partly because iv never seen that stage in my life, and partly because iv never experienced it for myself. She reasured me that she never gets retarded drunk or smokes anymore, that part of her life is over, and has been for some time. But for some reason, i just cant get completly past her past lifestyle, i cant understand that she used to do all the things i hate the most. I HATE seeing her in that way, and sometimes i think about it so much it really bums me out, and i wish so much it didnt bother me. I cant seem to get her past lifestyle and previous relationships out of my head, everytime one of her Ex's come up in converstion or whatever i usually get all bummed out. Im not sure why, i just cant stand to imagine she has been with a few other people before me, and its hard to think of her being retardedly drunk and hooking up with random people or smoking. I know its wrong for me to get upset about it, the past is the past, and there is nothing either of us can do. But it still botheres me so much some times no matter what i do. Sometimes i feel intimidated because she has been with more people then i. After sex i allways have doubts about her satisfaction, i allways have that thought in the back of my head, "i wonder if im as good as her other boyfriends" "i hope she enjoys sex as much as i do" "damn, i only last for less then 5 minutes, theres no way she could have enjoyed that" and then i start to beat myself up about it, not just because im afraid that i dont completetly satisfy her, but that im thinking/worried about these things after sex. So i beat myself up about beating myself up. Maybe its just hard for me to understand because she is my first. I love her so much and i dont want to be bothered by it anymore, i dont want my dumb thoughts to effect our relationship, i hate caring so much about these things. I hate having these thoughts fill my head, i just want things to be beautiful between us all the time, with no thoughts about her past life. What would you guys suggest that i do to help resolve my issue? Thanks for your time. -B
Cecelius Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Just consider this a learning experience. Do you need to approve of or understand everything she does? Probably not -- you aren't likely to marry this girl. The girl is on the downward part of learning about how booze, boys and drugs interact with each other. Frankly, she seems like she has a decent head on her shoulders -- there are people with LOTS more bad stories about past drunken antics -- she seems to have survived it pretty well. Just have a good time with her, keep trying to improve yourself while you are with her and keep it light. If it has no long term future, so be it.
Author btp2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 why do u say im not likley to marry this girl?
catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 While this girl is hardly on a "downward path," (drama) she really doesn't sound like your type of girl. I think she may be just a little too wild for your tastes. It's not right to be with someone and expect them to change, I think you'd be happier if you found someone a little more like you, with the same values. He probably says you won't marry her because 1)you genuinely don't seem to have much respect for her because of her past and 2)you're VERY young. Too young, IMO, to even be thinking about getting married.
Buttaflyy Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 #1 Her past is her business. She trusted you enough to tell you how many partners she had. You should not throw it back in her face. Didn't you say she's only been with two other guys besides you? Also, don't compare yourself to her past lovers. They are just that, PAST. #2 Her drinking "partying" seems to be social. It doesn't sound like anything you should be alarmed about. Her rape when she was younger is a separate issue. She did not willingly have sex due to drinking. #3 You knew that she "partied" before you hooked up with her. You have to accept it. You can't change her and unless it was hurting her you shouldn't try. #4 SEX...You have to calm down and stop being so insecure. If you love her and she loves you, express that with your bodies when you are together. The more you let go of your inhibitions the more you, yourself will enjoy it and the better lover you will be. Don't concentrate so much on time.
Author btp2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 No, she is my type, its is totally my type. she is everything i have been looking for in a women besides this one thing....i just need to get over it i think. Every person has a past and its not fair for her, me being bothered by it. She hasnt been a big party person for a long time, even before she met me. Its just that sometimes someting will jog my memory and remind me of what she used to do, and it botheres me sometimes. Then all of a sudden il be fine with it again, i go back and forth back and forth.
Buttaflyy Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 No, she is my type, its is totally my type. she is everything i have been looking for in a women besides this one thing....i just need to get over it i think. Every person has a past and its not fair for her to me to be bothered by it. She hasnt been a big party person for a long time, even before she met me. Its just that sometimes someting will jog my memory and remind me of what she used to do, and it botheres me sometimes. Then all of a sudden il be fine with it again, i go back and forth back and forth. What bothers you exactly? The fact that she has done things before that you don't approve of? You have to let it go. She hasn't done anything bad. Not that you've described anyways.
Author btp2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 ^^^ yeah the fact that shes done things that i dont approve of. That and im insecure during sex
Buttaflyy Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 ^^^ yeah the fact that shes done things that i dont approve of. That and im insecure during sex I'm sorry but I really dont understand what is bothering you so much. I think you work yourself up. She, is not the issue it seems. Nobody is perfect you know. As far as your insecurity. I'm telling you, if you work at it, it could be better for you. If she loves you, she is being pleased by you. You don't want to start concerning her. Just relax some. Stop putting so much emphasis on performance and enjoy her. Since you were a virgin it is natural to have these feelings though. Most guys have these thoughts I'm sure. But don't bring them to bed with you. Maybe get some books to learn how to control yourself better. TIP>>>My boyfriend does this thing where when he feels himself ready to ejaculate he'll stop and squeeze his muscles (i forgot what they are called). And after a few times of this we can go for hours. He said that you have to slow down well before you feel yourself getting there and at a certain point stop. Maybe that would be a good topic for a thread...I'm sure there are some guys here who could give u some great advice about that:D
Cecelius Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 While this girl is hardly on a "downward path," (drama) she really doesn't sound like your type of girl. ..... He probably says you won't marry her because 1)you genuinely don't seem to have much respect for her because of her past and 2)you're VERY young. Too young, IMO, to even be thinking about getting married. When I say "downward path" I should have said "end of a learning curve" meaning she's been around, done some partying, had some rough experiences but doesn't seem to have many battle scars for it (in other words, the worst is over and her past isn't that bad). When I he likely won't marry her, I mean since he's 20 and its insane for him to be thinking of marrying her (at least for the next 7-10 years or whatever), he shouldn't be worried about what went on before him.
catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 When I say "downward path" I should have said "end of a learning curve" meaning she's been around, done some partying, had some rough experiences but doesn't seem to have many battle scars for it (in other words, the worst is over and her past isn't that bad). Ah, that makes much more sense. Based on your last post, OP, it sounds like this is your issue and you're letting your insecurity get in the way of your happiness! Don't do that. I know, easier said than done. But she's with you now and that's what matters. Enjoy it and stop worrying so much!
Author btp2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 thank you gguys for you rcomments, it has really helped me to get over her past and just move on. I feel much better now after venting to you guys a little bit haha. TIP>>>My boyfriend does this thing where when he feels himself ready to ejaculate he'll stop and squeeze his muscles (i forgot what they are called). And after a few times of this we can go for hours. He said that you have to slow down well before you feel yourself getting there and at a certain point stop. Maybe that would be a good topic for a thread...I'm sure there are some guys here who could give u some great advice about that:D yeah i read about that, it has helped a little bit, but all i would do when i felt it come on was just stop. But i will definetly try to use the squeezing the muscle method. Some times when im about to ejaculate i stop right before. and......yeah, it just makes it go limp without ejaculating lol......practice and training makes perfect i guess haha
j.carsey Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I don't believe the "not your type" thing. Lots (most) girls start their lives being stupid about partying and sex, before they grow up. But if she likes you, and you like her, and your lifestyles are compatible then she is definitely your type. Don't worry that she has had more partners than you, that tends to happen. It's not a big deal unless I guess she has given you STDs. It doesn't even sound to me like she was that crazy when she was younger. Maybe it would just help if you realized her situation is a lot more normal than you think. Girls start having sex younger than guys. Drinking/drugs leads to bad decisions about sex and girls are on the "receiving" end of this obviously. Even rape is extremely common (just go into a women's help clinic on your university campus and ask). I'm just trying to point out this stuff is common so you don't think you're with a freak, or slut, whore, whatever bad image crosses your mind. Many girls have histories like this. As for sex, the only thing that matters is if you two are having a good time. Don't think of anything else, past guys don't matter. After all she's not sleeping with them, she's sleeping with you. You can ask her, can you do anything to make her have a better time? Maybe she'll give you tips. If you come too fast try masturbating more often and draw it out so you take a longer time. You'll get in the habit of just enjoying the process of sex rather than getting caught up on when you ejaculate
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