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Okay, so let's do a little role playing...

Spank'n'Rationality

By Spank'n'Rationality
in General Relationship Discussion

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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Yes, it is an emotional affair. They fact that you have already considered it and would SLEEP with him if the opportunity arises shows that you're already standing on a very murky boundary with this guy (and not just as friends).

 

It is judgemental, but I think emotional affair (your situation) is a form of cheating (both his and your fault). I think you're awful and totally lack values for doing it (and I'm not some old lady preaching, I'm but a year years older than you), but if you want to become the OTHER WOMAN (and potentially help him to ruin his happily married life), then so be it. It takes two to tangle. It'll be both your AND his fault (if HE crosses the line as well). All I hope is that karma gets you back when that happens. :mad:

 

Wow. I can see now why many people are affriad to post these things on their account and end up posting as guests. I appreciate your honesty, but I don't see how my being friends with him and THINKING about what might happen is wrong. I am not acting upon it; neither is he. Truth is, I honestly don't know what I would do if the situation arose; I don't think I would do it (believe it or not, I do think about his wife and children). I am just running my mouth (so to speak) on here. I do have morals, believe it or not. I am a very ethical person. I always thought that people who cheated on their spouses were horrid, and the OM/OW were just as bad. I have just never been friends with a married man. The problem lies in that I find him to be attractive, funny, sweet, etc. etc.

 

You know, I am sure that you realize when you wish bad things on others, bad things come back to you. Don't judge people/situations you don't know a damn thing about. You too will be judged, and I am sure you haven't led a perfect life, as no one has. You know nothing of my values; if I didn't have any, I would have already slept with him, and not bothered to get help/advice from the experienced people on here. So, stop being a judgemental &*%$@, and look at your own faults.

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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Sadly, I think the wise advice by most here is falling on deaf ears. Most unfortunately have to learn the hard and painful way...

 

This is like the "stove is hot" analogy. You tell a child the stove is hot and not to touch it and stay away from it...Though, afew mins later the child comes back and touches the hot stove, burning themselves. Cries and LEARNS the painful way, but never again touches the hot stove.

 

At age 21 YOU KNOW BETTER and DO NOT HAVE TO HURT YOURSELF, HIS WIFE and HIS KIDS.

 

No good will come of this and you're gonna be so full of regret, forever.

 

I think I'm done on this thread, I can't sit and read about the upcoming train wreck and have my thoughts completely ignored and disreguarded anymore.

 

We warned you. That's all I'll say.

 

Believe it or not, I am reading and concidering all of your replies. I do appreciate the wisdom that comes from experience, and I hope that nothing happens between us; but I refuse to give him up as a friend. He is one of the few people I like at work, and he is one of the few people I like in this whole town. So, I think I can control my "lust" as some of you have put it, to be friends with him. And if you guys concider my being friends with him immoral, wrong, and selfish, then so be it. His wife has him in everyway, but at least I can have him as a friend.

 

What the hell? So is one only allowed to have married friends when he/she is married? I mean, should a person just have friends of the same sex once their married? Or just be friends with people that they aren't compatable with at all. I think that the whole idea of an emotional affair is crap. So, if a guy depends on another guy friend for emotional support, is that an emotional affair? Like I said earlier, it all sounds like a ploy for people to refuse for their partners to have a life outside of marriage to me. Until our lips, bodies, private parts touch eachother, we are not having an affair. I want to know who came up with the idea of an emotional affair? He/She must have been quite a jealous person to think that up.

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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That's not always true. I have a couple friends who are married. I became friends with them while they were married, I have never met their wives and don't care to. We are friends, we talk, we email, we go to lunch, sometimes grab a drink after work, we do flirt but "friendly flirting." And that's it. There's nothing more, but I couldn't imagine not having these men in my life as friends. They fill a need for me and I for them.

 

It's not always about cheating.

 

Thank you.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Believe it or not, I am reading and concidering all of your replies. I do appreciate the wisdom that comes from experience, and I hope that nothing happens between us; but I refuse to give him up as a friend. He is one of the few people I like at work, and he is one of the few people I like in this whole town. So, I think I can control my "lust" as some of you have put it, to be friends with him. And if you guys concider my being friends with him immoral, wrong, and selfish, then so be it. His wife has him in everyway, but at least I can have him as a friend.

 

If your intent is just friends, then why are you saying this?

 

. I mean, what is a little fling? How badly could it hurt? His wife gets to have him for life, and I can have a little fun with him for a moment. I am not asking him to leave, I would never want to hurt his wife or kids by them finding out; it would just be an experience and then it would be done.

And this

 

I just hope I can have some self control, but everyday I see him now, I think about sex. Lord, I didn't even think of him that way, until I started writing about it here, now it's on my mind all day . Grrrr, he is so hot...he smells good too...

 

Those are your words. Thinking and fantasizing about an affair to the extent you've been thinking of it isn't "just" an innocent friendship. Atleast from your end it isn't. You're allowing yourself to become emotionally attached and you're going to get hurt. Maybe not because of an affair, but it WILL prevent you from being interesting in other guys. You'll be wasting your time on a man who's married. I hope you understand what I'm saying. A crush is a crush, enjoy that for what it is...But, when you start "thinking" TOO much about your crush (and you are doing that) it crosses into an almost obsession like thinking pattern.

 

What the hell? So is one only allowed to have married friends when he/she is married? I mean, should a person just have friends of the same sex once their married? Or just be friends with people that they aren't compatable with at all. I think that the whole idea of an emotional affair is crap. So, if a guy depends on another guy friend for emotional support, is that an emotional affair? Like I said earlier, it all sounds like a ploy for people to refuse for their partners to have a life outside of marriage to me. Until our lips, bodies, private parts touch eachother, we are not having an affair. I want to know who came up with the idea of an emotional affair? He/She must have been quite a jealous person to think that up.

 

Ofcourse married people can have friends of the opposite sex! I just think in your situation it's getting close to crossing the line that could lead to something else.

 

Two men being friends is very different, they don't flirt and have sexual feelings for eachother.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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Two men being friends is very different, they don't flirt and have sexual feelings for eachother.

I'm sure the homosexual community would beg to differ :laugh:

obsession Member

obsession

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Oh, excuse me for being honest. You have contradicted yourself left and right (some have already quoted you on it, need I say more? :cool: ) Please re-read all your posts and make a mental note that you posted that you would have sex with him if the opportunity arise. Are you retracting what you said now? Please. Don't be a wimp and just own up to what you said.

 

You asked and I gave you my opinions. Take it for what it's worth. If you don't like it, then don't post here. I am not going to sugarcoat what I think.

 

And please READ carefully. I am not wishing bad things on others. Trust me, I have much better things to do to wish others ill on an online forum. All I said is you do what you need to do, and I hope that karma does it own job. In case you are not clear on the definition of KARMA, it means that bad things will happen to you if you do bad things, and conversely, good things should happen to you if you do good. (It's like the quote "do unto others as you want others to you".) I am merely saying it. Why should you worry if you don't have anything to worry about. It doesn't feel so good now, does it? :lmao:

 

I will not be as immature as you to use profanity just because I disagree. You can grow up a little bit.

 

By its very nature (online forum), people don't know the entire story but only what people post. I am merely commenting based on what YOU posted. It IS a judgmental post (which I was nice enough to WARN you about it), but do you have a point? All opinions are based on judgment. If you don't like it, then don't post here or don't respond to my post.

 

And I don't have a perfect life. Far from it. I have some difficult experiences and I wouldn't want to wish them on anyone else. In fact, I never said I am perfect and have no faults. I have plenty of them (including being too honest/critical sometimes). I look at my own faults and experiences, and the decisions I made to see how I can better myself everyday. I try to do what I can. People can still judge me and I would have no problem if KARMA WORKS on me. If that's the case, I really should be expecting a lot of good and just a few not so good coming my way. :p

 

And please, you are judging me in your post not knowing my situation and I've gone through, so you are hypocritical. Think about what you're accusing me of and think what you just did. I don't need to spell it out, do I?

 

Having said all of this, you really do not appreciate my opinion, so I will not respond to your thread further since it has become apparent that you are only looking for consenting opinions. Your reply made me realize that posting in this thread further would be a complete waste of my time, so I bid you a good day. :lmao:

 

 

Wow. I can see now why many people are affriad to post these things on their account and end up posting as guests. I appreciate your honesty, but I don't see how my being friends with him and THINKING about what might happen is wrong. I am not acting upon it; neither is he. Truth is, I honestly don't know what I would do if the situation arose; I don't think I would do it (believe it or not, I do think about his wife and children). I am just running my mouth (so to speak) on here. I do have morals, believe it or not. I am a very ethical person. I always thought that people who cheated on their spouses were horrid, and the OM/OW were just as bad. I have just never been friends with a married man. The problem lies in that I find him to be attractive, funny, sweet, etc. etc.

 

You know, I am sure that you realize when you wish bad things on others, bad things come back to you. Don't judge people/situations you don't know a damn thing about. You too will be judged, and I am sure you haven't led a perfect life, as no one has. You know nothing of my values; if I didn't have any, I would have already slept with him, and not bothered to get help/advice from the experienced people on here. So, stop being a judgemental &*%$@, and look at your own faults.

Outcast Established Member

Outcast

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So, I think I can control my "lust" as some of you have put it, to be friends with him.

 

Of course you can. That's what every person who ends up in an affair thinks. You haven't read that forum yet, have you? You don't want to see how many stories start out just like yours.

The problem lies in that I find him to be attractive, funny, sweet, etc. etc.

AND you're sexually attracted. And you're thinking about sex. And you keep saying you want what you never had. So quit trying to fool us and yourself. You know in the pit of your gut that you want to take him to bed and you refuse to stay away from him.

 

I think that the whole idea of an emotional affair is crap.

 

You won't when it happens to you one day. When the person you love is sharing his secrets with another woman instead of you.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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I do have morals' date=' believe it or not. I am a very ethical person. I always thought that people who cheated on their spouses were horrid, and the OM/OW were just as bad. I have just never been friends with a married man. [b']The problem lies in that I find him to be attractive, funny, sweet, etc. etc[/b].

Well, that's exactly the problem for most other OW/OMs. Those people who cheat and the OW/OMs also thought they were moral, ethical people and would never have an affair...but...oh, s/he is so attractive, funny, sweet and flatters my ego and makes me feel good and is so good and kind and blah blah.

 

If the MM weren't attractive to you, there would be no test of your morals and ethics, would there?

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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Oh, excuse me for being honest. You have contradicted yourself left and right (some have already quoted you on it, need I say more? :cool: ) Please re-read all your posts and make a mental note that you posted that you would have sex with him if the opportunity arise. Are you retracting what you said now? Please. Don't be a wimp and just own up to what you said.

 

You asked and I gave you my opinions. Take it for what it's worth. If you don't like it, then don't post here. I am not going to sugarcoat what I think.

 

And please READ carefully. I am not wishing bad things on others. Trust me, I have much better things to do to wish others ill on an online forum. All I said is you do what you need to do, and I hope that karma does it own job. In case you are not clear on the definition of KARMA, it means that bad things will happen to you if you do bad things, and conversely, good things should happen to you if you do good. (It's like the quote "do unto others as you want others to you".) I am merely saying it. Why should you worry if you don't have anything to worry about. It doesn't feel so good now, does it? :lmao:

 

I will not be as immature as you to use profanity just because I disagree. You can grow up a little bit.

 

By its very nature (online forum), people don't know the entire story but only what people post. I am merely commenting based on what YOU posted. It IS a judgmental post (which I was nice enough to WARN you about it), but do you have a point? All opinions are based on judgment. If you don't like it, then don't post here or don't respond to my post.

 

And I don't have a perfect life. Far from it. I have some difficult experiences and I wouldn't want to wish them on anyone else. In fact, I never said I am perfect and have no faults. I have plenty of them (including being too honest/critical sometimes). I look at my own faults and experiences, and the decisions I made to see how I can better myself everyday. I try to do what I can. People can still judge me and I would have no problem if KARMA WORKS on me. If that's the case, I really should be expecting a lot of good and just a few not so good coming my way. :p

 

And please, you are judging me in your post not knowing my situation and I've gone through, so you are hypocritical. Think about what you're accusing me of and think what you just did. I don't need to spell it out, do I?

 

Having said all of this, you really do not appreciate my opinion, so I will not respond to your thread further since it has become apparent that you are only looking for consenting opinions. Your reply made me realize that posting in this thread further would be a complete waste of my time, so I bid you a good day. :lmao:

 

I appreciate honesty; I haven't had an issue with anyone else's "honesty." Because they have not been judgemental in their responses. However, you're post was judgemental (as you even posted it under "Judgemental Post"). I think YOU need to read carefully; the only curse word I wrote was damn and it was not directed at you personally...the "curse word" I am sure you are refering to is &*$@, which could be anything. I wrote it to leave it to your imagination. Yeah, you're really mature; congradulations. Again, you don't know me, and I don't think anything in my post to you was judgemental. I said that I am sure your life hasn't been perfect (because no one's life has), and I am sure you have done things to others that is immoral/wrong (as everyone has). To act superior to others is really mature. Yey for you :rolleyes:.

 

Anyway, to those (yourself included) who have posted the inconsistancies in my posts: yes, they are inconsistent, because I am CONFUSED! Good Lord, wouldn't you be? I mean, my values (yes obsession, I have them) and morals are at conflict with my emotions. I do love him as a friend, but I just started thinking about him as more than a friend. I am not use to crushing on friends; I have never crossed the friend boundry, and I have never had to worry about being someone's OW because this man is the first married friend I have ever had. So I don't know what to think. I have feelings, but then I think of him as a friend, and I know he is married. I am CONFUSED!!!! Geeze. It's not that difficult to figure out. I am not being inconsistent in my posts for the hell of it. I am not trying to "fool" anyone, nor am I being a "wimp." I am just not understanding things clearly now.

 

Oh, obsession: since this is my thread, I think I will post comments when ever I like, thank you very much. Also, I would like you to quote me where I supposedly wrote (not "said") I would definately sleep with him. I think I wrote a lot of "I think"'s and "Oh, I don't know"'s. So, I think you need to take a mental note to CAREFULLY read all the posts before posting. Also, yes I know about karma; if I remember correctly (and I do, since I went back and checked), I was the first one to mention karma, "God, this is going to further drag my karma in s***." Yeah, so I know what karma is thank you oh enlightened one. And this is supposed to be a fourm for advice (if you'll read the community guidelines) not throwing stones at people. And since you bring up the "do unto others," prehaps you should consider the "He without sin, cast the first stone." :lmao:

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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You won't when it happens to you one day. When the person you love is sharing his secrets with another woman instead of you.

 

I really wouldn't mind if my husband was sharing things with other women (as long as it is not bodily fluids :p). If he enjoys talking to women, even women who are crushing on him, I wouldn't mind. Hell, he could even go out with them. However, I would draw the line if my husband actually engaged in sexual behaviors with said woman/women (namely kissing and sex).

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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If the MM weren't attractive to you, there would be no test of your morals and ethics, would there?

 

Oh, that's probably true :o.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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I really wouldn't mind if my husband was sharing things with other women (as long as it is not bodily fluids :p). If he enjoys talking to women' date=' even women who are crushing on him, I wouldn't mind. Hell, he could even go out with them. However, I would draw the line if my husband actually engaged in sexual behaviors with said woman/women (namely kissing and sex).[/quote']

 

Come back in 10 years when you're married and re-read this. I really doubt you'll feel the same way.

 

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs.

 

Anyway, if it helps...Consider talking to a counsellor or a mentor (not someone from work!! Preferrably female) about all this. I don't think any of what anybody is saying is sinking in. Maybe it is, I don't know...But you talking to someone about all these feelings you're having is a place to start. You are smart enough and know right from wrong. You're too young to start your life like this...Sure, it may feel excellent to have feelings or even let something happen between you two - But not on the expense of his wife and children. I really think you'd regret it so badly.

 

Good luck and as Outcast pointed out again, please go read the threads in the OW/OM forum. It will open your eyes and hopefully reading what some of the OW have gone through will guide you in the right direction and save you from getting your heart broken.

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

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Come back in 10 years when you're married and re-read this. I really doubt you'll feel the same way.

 

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs.

 

Anyway, if it helps...Consider talking to a counsellor or a mentor (not someone from work!! Preferrably female) about all this. I don't think any of what anybody is saying is sinking in. Maybe it is, I don't know...But you talking to someone about all these feelings you're having is a place to start. You are smart enough and know right from wrong. You're too young to start your life like this...Sure, it may feel excellent to have feelings or even let something happen between you two - But not on the expense of his wife and children. I really think you'd regret it so badly.

 

Good luck and as Outcast pointed out again, please go read the threads in the OW/OM forum. It will open your eyes and hopefully reading what some of the OW have gone through will guide you in the right direction and save you from getting your heart broken.

 

I thank you for your genuine concern and kindness in your posts. I would talk to someone, but I don't really have anyone to talk with. My friends think I am crazy for liking older men in general, and I know they would all act much the same as obsession did concerning my liking a married man. I could talk to my parents, but my dad would kill me and my mom would start preaching to me. I just don't have very openminded people in my life (it's not just my friends and family, but the whole community). You see, I am in college (a christian college) and am staying for summer classes and working too. This is actually my roommate's account, and she said it helped her, so I thought I would post. I do talk to her about these things, and I am sure she could find out I posted this by checking her account, but she is the only person who is openminded (a little too much so; she has been with numerous married men). She says to go for it, but I wanted some opinions from more mature experienced and open-minded people.

 

Have you ever had an affair? If so, you regret it I take it. I just don't know what to do. I talk to him more about things than anyone else. So, I guess I could just ask him what he thinks :laugh:.

 

Anyway, thank you again.

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

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S'n'R, I read about half the posts here and I think you shouldn't be judged for what you feel or think. I only think that YOU will be hurt at the end if you pursue a relationship with this man. Also from the moral point of view, you might hurt someone, but I guess it's HIS job, not yours, to NOT hurt them. Just PLEEEAAASE read the OW forum here to learn how all the affairs start... and end - with the OW being hurt, in love, wasting years of her life...

 

And they all start with fun, sex, promises to herself that she won't fall in love. You can't control your heart, sweetie. Just say "NO" to married men. :)

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

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Hey, I think what you're experiencing here is a nonsexual crush. You admire the guy and enjoy his company. He enjoys being with you too and maybe doesn't usually get attention from a 21 year old girl. You're providing a break from his hohum married with children life. And maybe he providing you with a glimpse of what that married life would be like with a good guy. I'd continue being friends with him but be cautious. You don't know exactly where his thoughts are going. It could be just friendly for him too but you don't know.

..just a query..if his marriage is "ho-hum" etc... how can he be offering a glimpse into how a happy married life with a 'good' guy be about?...and hes flirting with a 21 year old at work? ummm hardly a good marriage to a good guy if i was the wife dont ya think?! :)

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

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Hahaha, we'll see. I hope it doesn't get there; I really don't want to get involved with a married man. However, I do like him...a lot. Lord, I don't know...I guess the best thing to do is what feels right, and go on with life, whatever the outcome may be. I want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral, why not sleep with him (that's a retorical question; I obviously know why not...I am just starting to not care)? I mean, if it happens, it happens. It is not right, I feel for the wife, but I want to do something for me damnit! I always worry about other people; I never do what I want! Screw it :mad:. *Cartman's voice* I do what I want! :D

 

God, this is going to further drag my karma in s***. Oh well, life goes on. I am just having such moral delimma. I mean, I like him a lot, and I know he likes me, but I do think that affairs are wrong. However, I want to experience what life would be like with him, even if it is a fantacy. I don't know.

 

God, what should I do? Should I just stop talking to him (I would rather not do this)? Or should I just wait and see what happens, and just "go with the flow?"

 

RarePearl, it sounds like you have experience in this area, what do you think? Have you had an affair? Do you regret it?

...all i can say is...

 

what goes around comes around. and if you do continue even flirting the way you are..i really do hope that one day when you are in love and are married to the nice guy you find, he cheats on you the same way. i know that sounds harsh but i have no respect for women like you nor men like your coworker if he is flirting and thinking of anything with another woman.

 

do unto others as you would have them do unto you....

you can hate me for what i have said above...but i guess i feel strongly about people .. no...crap...that goes around taking life and emotions so lightly...thinking of nothing but their own desires and wants...not thinking of others who may be hurt in the process...how can you live with yourself i wonder. once again, no need to attack me back. sorry i guess i feel strongly about issues such as infedility. one should rather leave a partner if they dont like it with them than stay and kill them this way.

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

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You will definitely sleep with him. This is how affairs start. You think it's fun, but you end up broken-hearted. You'll be in the OW's forum very soon crying and venting. :laugh:

 

If you're smart, you'll avoid him... nah... you'll get smart when it's too late, just as anyone else on this earth! :D

ur right about broken hearted but personally i dont care if the person who started this topics heart is broken or not.. they deserve it for even letting themselves feel this way and encourage it, carry it on for so long even.

 

i feel for the poor wife and her broken heart whose dream of the guy she married...will be crushed and destroyed and has to live her entire life never feeling the same with the man she entrusted all.

 

i feel for the poor hearts of the children that will be broken so that it is a nightmare to live everyday knowing your father was not the man you admired...

 

..people who cheat..their feelings i have no sympathy and room for...

 

sorry once again for being harsh.

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

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You're lusting after another woman's husband.

 

One day, when you're happily married, it could HAPPEN to you. Another woman will be sniffing at the door, waiting for the right moment to pounce on your husband...Not giving a s*** about you, your children. I think you've forgotten that his wife is a LIVE human being, with feelings.

 

 

 

So go have fun! Party it up, have sex with single men, as many as you want, that will make you more experienced and feeling less sheltered. BUT...DO NOT compromise YOUR MORALS because you're bored and want to spice up your life. You still want to sleep at night and look at yourself in the mirror the next day, right??? So, stick with your morals, fight the demon on your shoulder, stop being so selfish and leave that man alone.

i think its a bit too late re her morals :)

anyone who gets even their thoughts this far and continues to flirt etc...has no morals in this area in my books. harsh again but i have seen what it can do to a family and i HATE it... absolutely HATE it.

 

women like this bring womanhood a bad name...how could you do this to another woman???? wow.

 

i feel violated and unclean and scared. just reading her words. or maybe i am old fashioned and it is a common thing? cheating is fashionable? all i know is, i think she and the man should first go and murder the wife and shoot the kids down..it will save a lot of lifetime of pain for them. and then go have sex. yeah that sounds better...

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

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Thank you both so much for your genuine concern and good advice :rolleyes: *ooo, I can be sarcastic too*

 

Anyway, I don't mean to say that I am going to throw him in the sack; I never really thought of him in a sexual manner before I started posting about him. However, what I meant was that, if presented with the situation, I would do it; I think. I don't know. I mean, of course I think about his wife, and his children, and of course I know it is morally wrong. It's just that I want someone like that for me. I am 21, never done anything, I feel like I missed my chance. I mean, here he is, and I can't seem to help myself. Since I really like him as a friend, and I work with him, it is hard to just stop speaking to him. I mean, nothing has even happened yet, so how exactly do I explain my cold behavior? He will think I have gone mad if after how much time we spend together I just stop cold-turkey. Lord, he probably really does only view me as a friend, and here I am over-analyzing his behavior. He is a really good man, and he loves his kids very much; I know he would never break up his home by leaving his wife, and I'm not expecting him (nor would I ask him) to. I mean, what is a little fling? How badly could it hurt? His wife gets to have him for life, and I can have a little fun with him for a moment. I am not asking him to leave, I would never want to hurt his wife or kids by them finding out; it would just be an experience and then it would be done. I am not a complete idiot; I know that most married men don't leave their wives; I know that most of them have more than one mistress (as I am sure he has, but I really don't think he has ever done anything with the woman in question over the phone...trust me, you don't know this woman). So, we could have our fun/experiences and be done with it. That is to say if it even happens, which I HIGHLY DOUBT it will. From what I understand, he is happily married...so I could be wrong in saying that he has had other mistresses. I just really adore him as a person, and think about what it might be like to be with someone like him. However, there is a difference between fantasizing what could be, and actually acting upon the fantasies. Though it is a nice idea, I really don't think it is going to happen.

 

So, back to another issue...emotional affairs. What are they exactly? I am sure that is what we are having, unless we are just friends with fantasies. What is the difference? When does friendship with the occasional flirting/fantasies turn into an emotional affair?

i am 31. my first sexual experience was with my partner..i was 27.

 

i didn't think i missed the boat nor that my life was pathetic just because i scrwed men left right and centre..and trust me, there was NO lack of offers from good men and others alike. i was too busy building my career prior to that and waiting for the right guy to come along. i was not feeling rushed to have sex. But like someone else said, if you do - go to a nightclub find 10 single men and have a blast with all 10 at one time! there - you lived and broke out of your sheltered life.

 

as for 'you wont do it' 'its only thoughts' - even that in itself is pathetic really. what kind of work do you do by the way that there is so much time to waste around and think about so much stuff rather than be so damn busy that the day just goes in the bloody work? perhaps you have too much idle time? don't know!

 

so stop making excuses for your pathetic desire anyway and stop using the "im only 21" as an excuse.

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

Posted
Posted
Yes, it is an emotional affair. They fact that you have already considered it and would SLEEP with him if the opportunity arises shows that you're already standing on a very murky boundary with this guy (and not just as friends).

 

It is judgemental, but I think emotional affair (your situation) is a form of cheating (both his and your fault). I think you're awful and totally lack values for doing it (and I'm not some old lady preaching, I'm but a year years older than you), but if you want to become the OTHER WOMAN (and potentially help him to ruin his happily married life), then so be it. It takes two to tangle. It'll be both your AND his fault (if HE crosses the line as well). All I hope is that karma gets you back when that happens. :mad:

good on you for speaking your mind. i think there was no need to go off at you :) but i guess you hit a bad nerve :)

 

dear SPANKN"RATIONALITY - you posted on here and asked for advice..and yet when all are offering what they have to say..you are being nasty back. why? if you dont like what one person says just reject it when you read it but there is no need to get personal :)

 

..or perhaps were you looking at all advice or majority of advice to be supporting your thoughts?...which i know a lot ofpeople secretly wish for...corraboration of what they feel and think rather thaan frank honesty...?

lonepearl Member

lonepearl

Posted
Posted
I appreciate honesty; I haven't had an issue with anyone else's "honesty." Because they have not been judgemental in their responses. However' date=' you're post was judgemental (as you even posted it under "Judgemental Post"). I think YOU need to read carefully; the only curse word I wrote was damn and it was not directed at you personally...the "curse word" I am sure you are refering to is &*$@, which could be anything. I wrote it to leave it to your imagination. Yeah, you're [i']really[/i] mature; congradulations. Again, you don't know me, and I don't think anything in my post to you was judgemental. I said that I am sure your life hasn't been perfect (because no one's life has), and I am sure you have done things to others that is immoral/wrong (as everyone has). To act superior to others is really mature. Yey for you :rolleyes:.

 

Anyway, to those (yourself included) who have posted the inconsistancies in my posts: yes, they are inconsistent, because I am CONFUSED! Good Lord, wouldn't you be? I mean, my values (yes obsession, I have them) and morals are at conflict with my emotions. I do love him as a friend, but I just started thinking about him as more than a friend. I am not use to crushing on friends; I have never crossed the friend boundry, and I have never had to worry about being someone's OW because this man is the first married friend I have ever had. So I don't know what to think. I have feelings, but then I think of him as a friend, and I know he is married. I am CONFUSED!!!! Geeze. It's not that difficult to figure out. I am not being inconsistent in my posts for the hell of it. I am not trying to "fool" anyone, nor am I being a "wimp." I am just not understanding things clearly now.

 

Oh, obsession: since this is my thread, I think I will post comments when ever I like, thank you very much. Also, I would like you to quote me where I supposedly wrote (not "said") I would definately sleep with him. I think I wrote a lot of "I think"'s and "Oh, I don't know"'s. So, I think you need to take a mental note to CAREFULLY read all the posts before posting. Also, yes I know about karma; if I remember correctly (and I do, since I went back and checked), I was the first one to mention karma, "God, this is going to further drag my karma in s***." Yeah, so I know what karma is thank you oh enlightened one. And this is supposed to be a fourm for advice (if you'll read the community guidelines) not throwing stones at people. And since you bring up the "do unto others," prehaps you should consider the "He without sin, cast the first stone." :lmao:

since i have no sin in the issue of infidility i shall cast a stone on you then :)

 

*picks up a big bolder*.... :)

 

none of us is casting stones...we are advicing....that dear young naive girl - DONT GO THERE...and yet post after post, you keep coming back with more sexual references....

 

what are we to do but act frustrated? do tell me...and i shall offer advice accordingly.

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Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

Posted
  • Author
Posted
good on you for speaking your mind. i think there was no need to go off at you :) but i guess you hit a bad nerve :)

 

dear SPANKN"RATIONALITY - you posted on here and asked for advice..and yet when all are offering what they have to say..you are being nasty back. why? if you dont like what one person says just reject it when you read it but there is no need to get personal :)

 

..or perhaps were you looking at all advice or majority of advice to be supporting your thoughts?...which i know a lot ofpeople secretly wish for...corraboration of what they feel and think rather thaan frank honesty...?

 

First of all, congradulations for being a saint. I frankly don't care what you think about me, or if you have respect for me; you don't know me, and in 21 years I have never done anything besides having a crush on a married man that I would deem as "immoral;" which reminds me, I am not using my being 21 as an excuse, but rather my lack of experience in the world. You say that I shouldn't "get personal" but all of your responses have been hard hitting personally. I don't think I am being "pathetic" by telling the truth on here. I came here for genuine help not for a jaded and judgemental preaching. I already know that liking a married man is wrong. You have failed to mention or quote my saying that "Of course I think about his wife and kids" posts. How can I not? I am a woman, and I know how I would feel if my husband were cheating (not emotionally, but physically). I have no desire to attack you in the manner that you have attacked me, but I will say that you too should look in the mirror and single out your own faults; I am sure that you have done something, or thought about doing something, that is wrong. So, stop trying to act as though you are a superior person, because by ranting (which read like the rantings of a bitter woman whose husband has probably cheated on them--even if only emotionally--and who is just trying to belittle a potential OW) at someone and slinging your jaded judgements on an anonymous fourm at someone whom you don't even know, you are far from it.

 

So, thank you for your candor, and--being candid in return--you can go to hell.

  • Author
Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

Posted
  • Author
Posted
since i have no sin in the issue of infidility i shall cast a stone on you then :)

 

*picks up a big bolder*.... :)

 

none of us is casting stones...we are advicing....that dear young naive girl - DONT GO THERE...and yet post after post, you keep coming back with more sexual references....

 

what are we to do but act frustrated? do tell me...and i shall offer advice accordingly.

 

I don't consider "advising" degrading and slandering people; that is in poor taste. So, maybe by my THINKING about a married man, I am not the best person, but by you belittling someone whom you've never even met by wishing ill of them, calling them pathetic, etc. isn't in good form either. So, I take it you have been cheated on (either emotionally or physically)? Since you have such a strong opinion regarding the situation. Or were you the child of a broken marriage due to some "pathetic" person like me stealing away your mother/father? I am just trying to understand how someone who doesn't even know me can disrespect me so severly on an anonymous fourm. I will have to check out some of your threads and see what kind of saint I am dealing with here :laugh:.

Outcast Established Member

Outcast

Posted
Posted

I tell you what. You go look up a VERY long thread by a gal named aussie-mandy. It was the same situation. Dozens of LSers spent hours of typing on her - for naught, it seems. She got hostile and defensive and then just vanished.

 

People are trying to get you to face hard facts, and the more you seem to not want to do so, the harder people put the facts in hope of stopping you from running headlong off a cliff.

  • Author
Spank'n'Rationality Established Member

Spank'n'Rationality

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I tell you what. You go look up a VERY long thread by a gal named aussie-mandy. It was the same situation. Dozens of LSers spent hours of typing on her - for naught, it seems. She got hostile and defensive and then just vanished.

 

People are trying to get you to face hard facts, and the more you seem to not want to do so, the harder people put the facts in hope of stopping you from running headlong off a cliff.

 

I know. I am not meaning to be "hostile," but I am getting sick of the "hostile" responses. I have really appreciated all of the supporting posts (by "supporting," I don't mean posts supporting the idea of an "affair," but supporting in that they are HELPFUL to me, not HURTFUL--even if they are saying what I don't want to hear, they are doing so in a polite manner).

 

I am trying to face the facts. And theoretically, I understand. It's just that when one is actually in the situation, things are different. It is easy to say, "No, I won't see him, we won't talk, etc. etc." But we work together, we have to see eachother, we have lunch together, it is just hard to change. I don't know how we even got to that point. We always worked together, and we were always polite, but I am not sure what happened that we became friends, we just did. Now I didn't really think of him in any manner other than co-worker/friend until I was searching posts, and I saw something about FWB, and for some reason he came to mind. And then I started to think about what it would be like. And in all honesty, it is a nice fantacy, but I didn't intend on acting upon it; I was just running my mouth. The thing is, that now I do look at him differently, and he has already told me that if things were different (he wasn't married with kids) he would "want me" (his words). So, it's like, I don't know what to think; he said things like that to me before I even thought of him that way, so maybe he does think of me as more than a friend too. I don't know, but I am getting sick of thinking about it. So, I think I won't.

 

I appreciate all of your replies (those that were actually helpful, not hurtful and degrading *cough* obsession and lonepearl *cough*. Anyway, thank you, and though I have had the thoughts of liking him as anything more than a friend beaten out of me with written abuse and now have very little self-esteem to even think that he might like me...I will try to keep our relationship professional.

 

Oh, by the way, I have checked out the OW fourm, and it seems like that the whole thing usually turns out to be a big headache. So, I will obstain. I appreciate most of your all's concern in trying to guide me in the right direction. I guess I can wait another 21 years to have sex/get married/etc.

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