Okay, so let's do a little role playing...

June 14, 2006

Okay, say you are a 21 year old girl, who really cares about a co-worker who is in his 40's, has kids, and is married. The thing is, though you have a crush on him, you don't really find him sexually attractive; it is more friendly like, but you look at him as more than JUST friends. Also, he says things to you like, "I can't believe a girl as attractive as you doesn't have a boyfriend." Also, you talk on the phone (while at work) all day, you visit each other during lunch, you borrow each other's movies/books/etc., and he will say something to you very sweet, and then say, "God, I am old enough to be your father." I mean, this guy is really nice, really loves his kids, seems happily married, and you are not having a physical relationship, but it seems just as wrong to be enjoying yourself with him so much.

Okay, so maybe this isn't the kind of "role playing" you were expecting (by the way, that would be a fun thread, wouldn't it?), but I just don't know what I feel for this guy; I have never really felt that way about someone; I mean, I either view a guy as a friend, an aquantance, a stranger, or someone that would be fun to sleep with; this guy I view as a friend, but I also view him as more than that, but not someone that I want to sleep with. I have heard of "emotional affairs," but have always been unsure of their existance. Is that what this is? We really do love eachother's company...

June 14, 2006

Hey, I think what you're experiencing here is a nonsexual crush. You admire the guy and enjoy his company. He enjoys being with you too and maybe doesn't usually get attention from a 21 year old girl. You're providing a break from his hohum married with children life. And maybe he providing you with a glimpse of what that married life would be like with a good guy. I'd continue being friends with him but be cautious. You don't know exactly where his thoughts are going. It could be just friendly for him too but you don't know.

June 14, 2006

Hey, I think what you're experiencing here is a nonsexual crush. You admire the guy and enjoy his company. He enjoys being with you too and maybe doesn't usually get attention from a 21 year old girl. You're providing a break from his hohum married with children life. And maybe he providing you with a glimpse of what that married life would be like with a good guy. I'd continue being friends with him but be cautious. You don't know exactly where his thoughts are going. It could be just friendly for him too but you don't know.

Yes, I suppose you are right. I mean, not that I would be opposed to sleeping with him if it weren't for the wife and kids bit, I just think of him as a pretty attractive guy whom I adore and whom I admire (as you mentioned). Hahaha, yes, I suppose I am providing a break from his "ho-hum" marriage, and yes, I am glad to know a good and decent man does exist. God, why are good men always unavailable? Grrrrr! Hehehe, oh well, at least I have one as a friend; maybe he can introduce me to some of his friends? Course, I could always wait for his son to hit 18 (he is 9 now), and then I could role play The Graduate with him .

I think the feeling is mutual for him too (merely friends), but I could be wrong. I mean, I think if given the right situation at the right time (or wrong, depending how you look at it), things could happen. But, I seriously doubt it; I don't think he would give up his marriage of twenty years for me, though that is a flattering thought; besides, I wouldn't want him to. Because the reason I like him so much is because of how much I respect him, and I don't think I could respect someone who wouldn't respect their marriage/wife/vows.

So, you don't think it is wrong for us to be friends, even though I am sure his wife doesn't know? I mean, what the heck is an "emotional affair" anyway? I think it sounds like a ploy to force married people to never have single friends . Seriously though, I really would like a definition for "emotional affair;" I read about it so much on here, that I feel as though I should have an understanding of its meaning .

P.S. Actually, there are other 20yr olds who like him. He is pretty attractive, and most the women in the office have a crush on him; it's funny, he told me that most of them frighten him, which is why he would rather call me at work than come visit me. Everytime he does, this one girl that works beside of me comes into my office and starts sniffing him and groaning . It is the creepiest thing, but funny as hell. Also, one woman in the office called and asked him, while I was in his office, if he would just have casual sex with her, and he denied her, so she quit ; that was pretty funny too.

June 14, 2006

Forget married men. Forgt about crushes on them. Forget befriending them. Never mind if they're hitting on you, leave them alone. Going down that road will only end in grief.

June 14, 2006

This smells like an affair waiting to begin. He is trying to catch you in his trap. If you don't fall in it now and if you try to cool your feelings, everything will be OK. But if you surrender to your passion, you'll be in his bed and he'll be in your heart.

And he's happily married...

June 14, 2006

one woman in the office called and asked him' date=' while I was in his office, if he would just have casual sex with her, and he denied her, so she quit ; that was pretty funny too.[/quote']How do you know he denied her? Maybe he called her later and they did it. Did he say: "No, I am married, I don't cheat on my wife?"

He is a player. Women don't fly around a man like flies around s*** if he's that innocent. You're just young and naive. And obviously the best looking girl in the office so he wants to get you together with the rest of the women... unless they are really unattractive in his eyes.

June 14, 2006

How do you know he denied her? Maybe he called her later and they did it. Did he say: "No, I am married, I don't cheat on my wife?"

He is a player. Women don't fly around a man like flies around s*** if he's that innocent. You're just young and naive. And obviously the best looking girl in the office so he wants to get you together with the rest of the women... unless they are really unattractive in his eyes.

I was in his office when it happened, and he had her on speaker phone; he said, "Now (woman's name), you know that I am married, as are you. Why would you even ask that?" To which she responded, "It doesn't have to mean anything, I just want a casual relationship with you." Which he responded, "(woman's name), you seem like a nice person, but why would you ask me? You've never really even spoken to me before." Then she said, "Well, I have always thought you were good-looking, and I thought that you might want to take me up on my offer; it doesn't have to mean anything, you don't have to do anything for me (take me out, or to dinner), just a purely sexual relationship." To which he replied, "I'm sorry (woman's name), but I am happily married, and am not looking for a 'relationship' sexual or otherwise with anyone." She hung up, he looked embarrassed as hell, I laughed, he and I talked about why she would do that, he asked me if I knew that she liked him (which I didn't). The next day, she quit.

And about the other women in the office, he really doesn't care for them; the only other woman he likes there is 30 and is happily married; she is a really good person, as is he. They are friends, but don't really talk very often. He is a really good husband and father, every minute he is not at work (which isn't very often, because we all work 60+ hours a week) he spends with his two children and wife. So, I don't think he is a "player."

Anyway, he is really attractive; believe me, if he wanted casual sex, he could get it from most any of the girls in the office, or most anywhere else if he wanted. He is really not that kind of guy; he has never even touched me in even a "friendly"manner. So, I am not worried about a physical affair, but we have become close emotionally. He calls me ALL the time, and we talk about everything. So, I guess I am just worried that my being friends with him and liking him as more than a friend (though not sexually), is just as bad as having a sexual affair; I mean, that is taking something away from his wife isn't it? I think the only reason he invests that much time into talking to me, is because he (myself included) is ALWAYS at work; he never gets to see his wife.

June 14, 2006

Just don't sleep with him... but I have a feeling that you will get there.

June 15, 2006

Just don't sleep with him... but I have a feeling that you will get there.

Hahaha, we'll see. I hope it doesn't get there; I really don't want to get involved with a married man. However, I do like him...a lot. Lord, I don't know...I guess the best thing to do is what feels right, and go on with life, whatever the outcome may be. I want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral, why not sleep with him (that's a retorical question; I obviously know why not...I am just starting to not care)? I mean, if it happens, it happens. It is not right, I feel for the wife, but I want to do something for me damnit! I always worry about other people; I never do what I want! Screw it . *Cartman's voice* I do what I want!

God, this is going to further drag my karma in s***. Oh well, life goes on. I am just having such moral delimma. I mean, I like him a lot, and I know he likes me, but I do think that affairs are wrong. However, I want to experience what life would be like with him, even if it is a fantacy. I don't know.

God, what should I do? Should I just stop talking to him (I would rather not do this)? Or should I just wait and see what happens, and just "go with the flow?"

RarePearl, it sounds like you have experience in this area, what do you think? Have you had an affair? Do you regret it?

June 15, 2006

I want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral, why not sleep with him (that's a retorical question; I obviously know why not...I am just starting to not care)? I mean, if it happens, it happens. It is not right, I feel for the wife, but I want to do something for me damnit! I always worry about other people; I never do what I want! Screw it

Go read afew threads in the infidelity section. Do a search on Thumbingmyway, DazednConfused, Owl. Go read about their pain and the hell they went through when finding out about their cheating spouses...

You know better, so don't cheat! Don't be selfish! No "I want I want I want" with the MM. HE is NOT yours for taking! THINK of his wife.

So WHAT if he likes you and you like him! Again, he's NOT yours for taking.

Detach yourself from him, don't talk to him about everything in your life. Rely on him less and less...Find yourself a single guy and go from there.

Oh, also, go read more threads in the OW/OM section. Go read some of the pain the OW go through when they're in that situation...

9/10 of them have ALL said, "If only I knew then what I know now...."

Sadly, most have to experience it and make the stupid choice to get involved with a MM and learn the hard way.

June 15, 2006

I want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral

Yeah. A whole 21 years. Such self-control and denial for so long.

I feel for the wife, but I want to do something for me

Well that's the thing. Once upon a time, long ago, people aspired to be good, decent people. That meant sometimes sacrificing what they want (gasp!) for the sake of not harming others.

And maybe they didn't get the temporary pleasure of getting something they wanted (because it only ever provides a temporary pleasure; and as WWIU pointed out, often leads to horrid misery in the case of affairs) but they could look in the mirror and be proud of themselves for not harming others.

But that was long ago. Today nobody cares about anyone else. Being decent is out of fashion.

So let me put it a way which might convince you. You may enjoy a few rolls in the hay with this guy, however think ahead - to holidays he spends with his family and not you, to staying home and never having dates out in case someone sees you together, knowing he still sleeps with his wife, and best of all knowing that if he lies to the woman he promised to love he certainly will lie to you as well. He will not leave his wife - and you will be left with nothing.

Now is a few rolls in the hay really worth all that garbage?

June 15, 2006

Hahaha' date=' we'll see. I hope it doesn't get there; I really don't want to get involved with a married man. However, I do like him...a lot. Lord, I don't know...I guess the best thing to do is what feels right, and go on with life, whatever the outcome may be. I want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral, why not sleep with him (that's a retorical question; I obviously know why not...I am just starting to not care)? I mean, if it happens, it happens. It is not right, I feel for the wife, but I want to do something for me damnit! I always worry about other people; I never do what I want! Screw it . [/quote']You will definitely sleep with him. This is how affairs start. You think it's fun, but you end up broken-hearted. You'll be in the OW's forum very soon crying and venting.

If you're smart, you'll avoid him... nah... you'll get smart when it's too late, just as anyone else on this earth!

June 16, 2006

You will definitely sleep with him. This is how affairs start. You think it's fun, but you end up broken-hearted. You'll be in the OW's forum very soon crying and venting.

If you're smart, you'll avoid him... nah... you'll get smart when it's too late, just as anyone else on this earth!

So, I take it you had an affair? I won't vent about it if I do; I know the consequences of my actions, and I am willing to accept them. I just hope I can have some self control, but everyday I see him now, I think about sex. Lord, I didn't even think of him that way, until I started writing about it here, now it's on my mind all day . Grrrr, he is so hot...he smells good too...

June 16, 2006

Contrary to what everyone is telling you spanky, I say go for it! Have your 5/10 minutes of wild sex with him and get each other off, and in return you can have bucket loads of guilt and shame when you find out his wife leaves him, and his son grows up to become a serial cheater and his daughter develops a deep distrust of men, and they all end up hating their father. It just sounds so damn good doesnt it spanky! What are you waiting for???

June 16, 2006

Grrrr' date=' he is so hot...he smells good too...[/quote']

His wife probably picked out his cologne, you know.

June 16, 2006

So' date=' I take it you had an affair? I won't vent about it if I do; I know the consequences of my actions, and I am willing to accept them. I just hope I can have some self control, but everyday I see him now, I think about sex. Lord, I didn't even think of him that way, until I started writing about it here, now it's on my mind all day . Grrrr, he is so hot...he smells good too...[/quote']

You're lusting after another woman's husband.

One day, when you're happily married, it could HAPPEN to you. Another woman will be sniffing at the door, waiting for the right moment to pounce on your husband...Not giving a s*** about you, your children. I think you've forgotten that his wife is a LIVE human being, with feelings.

want to have a little fun; my whole life has been sheltered and moral

So go have fun! Party it up, have sex with single men, as many as you want, that will make you more experienced and feeling less sheltered. BUT...DO NOT compromise YOUR MORALS because you're bored and want to spice up your life. You still want to sleep at night and look at yourself in the mirror the next day, right??? So, stick with your morals, fight the demon on your shoulder, stop being so selfish and leave that man alone.

June 16, 2006

How would you feel if someone was lusting after your boyfriend? How would you feel if your boyfriend was lusting after another woman? Would you still think honorably of him? Would you be ok with the other woman, since she's lived such a sheltered life, it's ok for her to go after your boyfriend? What comes around goes around sweetie. You might be getting a high on the infatuation right now, but what's going to happen when it all ends and you date someone else? Do you think they'll want to be with someone who cheated with a married man?

You asked if this was an emotional affair. Yes it is! It all starts off so innocently, but when you overstep that friendship boundary and start thinking and fantasizing and hoping something more might happen, you now know that YOU are overstepping that boundary of friendship and it's time to withdraw yourself. What you are doing is morally wrong, and you know it. You wouldnt be looking for validation that this is right if you didnt already know it was wrong.

And that whole conversation with the other woman asking him to sleep with him? Hunny, you are so naive! He's playing you. He's playing the other women in the office. Did she even know she was on speaker phone? I will bet you anything that he's already slept with this other woman, that they use to talk dirty on the phone daily, that she didnt know she was on speaker phone, and since he knew you were listening, played that whole "I'm a happily married man" dribble to get your "respect" so you will sleep with him.

June 18, 2006

Contrary to what everyone is telling you spanky, I say go for it! Have your 5/10 minutes of wild sex with him and get each other off, and in return you can have bucket loads of guilt and shame when you find out his wife leaves him, and his son grows up to become a serial cheater and his daughter develops a deep distrust of men, and they all end up hating their father. It just sounds so damn good doesnt it spanky! What are you waiting for???

His wife probably picked out his cologne, you know.

Thank you both so much for your genuine concern and good advice *ooo, I can be sarcastic too*

Anyway, I don't mean to say that I am going to throw him in the sack; I never really thought of him in a sexual manner before I started posting about him. However, what I meant was that, if presented with the situation, I would do it; I think. I don't know. I mean, of course I think about his wife, and his children, and of course I know it is morally wrong. It's just that I want someone like that for me. I am 21, never done anything, I feel like I missed my chance. I mean, here he is, and I can't seem to help myself. Since I really like him as a friend, and I work with him, it is hard to just stop speaking to him. I mean, nothing has even happened yet, so how exactly do I explain my cold behavior? He will think I have gone mad if after how much time we spend together I just stop cold-turkey. Lord, he probably really does only view me as a friend, and here I am over-analyzing his behavior. He is a really good man, and he loves his kids very much; I know he would never break up his home by leaving his wife, and I'm not expecting him (nor would I ask him) to. I mean, what is a little fling? How badly could it hurt? His wife gets to have him for life, and I can have a little fun with him for a moment. I am not asking him to leave, I would never want to hurt his wife or kids by them finding out; it would just be an experience and then it would be done. I am not a complete idiot; I know that most married men don't leave their wives; I know that most of them have more than one mistress (as I am sure he has, but I really don't think he has ever done anything with the woman in question over the phone...trust me, you don't know this woman). So, we could have our fun/experiences and be done with it. That is to say if it even happens, which I HIGHLY DOUBT it will. From what I understand, he is happily married...so I could be wrong in saying that he has had other mistresses. I just really adore him as a person, and think about what it might be like to be with someone like him. However, there is a difference between fantasizing what could be, and actually acting upon the fantasies. Though it is a nice idea, I really don't think it is going to happen.

So, back to another issue...emotional affairs. What are they exactly? I am sure that is what we are having, unless we are just friends with fantasies. What is the difference? When does friendship with the occasional flirting/fantasies turn into an emotional affair?

June 18, 2006

However' date=' there is a difference between fantasizing what could be, and actually acting upon the fantasies. [/quote']

Yes, there is a difference, however the two are so dangerously close that it's extremely easy to go from one to the other. You said it yourself, if the opportunity arises, you'd take it. This is when you know you've overstepped that boundary. This is when you know it's not just innocent flirting.

You're 21 and you missed your chance? Please, grow up. What exactly have you missed? The opportunity to cheat with a married man? If you want to experience life, than do so, with single available men. You are 21. You are at the prime age of every man's fantasies. Go into a bar, walk up to any guy and say you want to do him right now. That's something you can add to your experience and thrill of life. Why do you need a married one?

June 18, 2006

I mean, of course I think about his wife, and his children, and of course I know it is morally wrong. It's just that I want someone like that for me. I am 21, never done anything, I feel like I missed my chance. I mean, here he is, and I can't seem to help myself. Since I really like him as a friend, and I work with him, it is hard to just stop speaking to him. I mean, nothing has even happened yet, so how exactly do I explain my cold behavior? He will think I have gone mad if after how much time we spend together I just stop cold-turkey.

Uhmmm, you just tell him, "You're married. You have a wife and kids." THAT is your reason. It's pretty self explanitory of WHY nothing should happen between you two. I highly doubt he's gonna be crushed and lose sleep, wondering why you're not giving him attention or flirting with him. It's INAPPROPRIATE for him to act upon it and it's WRONG for you to LUST after him. Probably the most he'll feel is a hurt ego. Big deal, he'll get over it.

Geez, you're 21 years old, you haven't even started living yet. You're too young to be sucked into that kind of bulls***.

YOU WILL meet someone to fall inlove with, when the time is right. Right now the timing isn't right because the man you're falling for IS TAKEN ALREADY. He isn't yours to fall inlove with. You're being very selfish and need to learn respect, not only for yourself, but for HIS WIFE and KIDS.

Seems you aren't listening to your head. YOU KNOW it's the wrong thing to do, yet you don't care enough to stop those thoughts of wanting him or hoping something will happen.

Let's just say it does happen. Be prepared for alot of pain...Be prepared for consquences! Like: When his wife finds out, she'll tell your parents. Like: Dealing WITH his wife when she freaks on you for sleeping with her husband. Like: Losing your self respect, your morals. Being filled with regret.

At 21 years old, you don't want to go down that path. GO read the stories from OW in the OW/OM section. If you CHOOSE to have an affair with this married man, you'll have noone to blame but yourself when you get hurt, because you DO know it's wrong.

June 18, 2006

The problem with being 21 is your short-term vision. You haven't yet experienced enough bad outcomes to understand that most situations can end up badly depending on how you act.

In this case, there are about 99.99% chances this will end badly with you being hurt and .01 chance that he will drop his family and run off with you to fulfill your dreams of what you want, which you think you're entitled to have, which of course is the fairy tale dream of a romantic hero sacrificing all to love YOU.

Dear, life is NOT like that. There are no such happy endings, especially when you sleep with married men. The endings are messy, painful, and seriously unpleasant.

So understand that at 21 you are not wise enough to understand by yourself what hell you're headed for and take counsel from people who have lived long enough to have seen this kind of disaster happen time and again.

And quit ignoring the advice to read the Infidelity boards. Quit thinking that disaster happens to everyone else but somehow you, of all women, will be the only female to escape the inevitable. You're no better and no more blessed than any other woman and to think that fate will somehow spare YOU from disaster is a humungous mistake.

We'd FAR rather you avoid this now than in a few months read your sad story on the OM/OW board. Because I PROMISE you this is not the romance you're imagining it will be.

June 18, 2006

We'd FAR rather you avoid this now than in a few months read your sad story on the OM/OW board. Because I PROMISE you this is not the romance you're imagining it will be.

Sadly, I think the wise advice by most here is falling on deaf ears. Most unfortunately have to learn the hard and painful way...

This is like the "stove is hot" analogy. You tell a child the stove is hot and not to touch it and stay away from it...Though, afew mins later the child comes back and touches the hot stove, burning themselves. Cries and LEARNS the painful way, but never again touches the hot stove.

At age 21 YOU KNOW BETTER and DO NOT HAVE TO HURT YOURSELF, HIS WIFE and HIS KIDS.

No good will come of this and you're gonna be so full of regret, forever.

I think I'm done on this thread, I can't sit and read about the upcoming train wreck and have my thoughts completely ignored and disreguarded anymore.

We warned you. That's all I'll say.

June 18, 2006

Yes, my post was sarcastic. And the fact is, it's probably TRUE that his wife picks out his cologne! Or his kids bought it for him for Christmas! I bring it up because your idealized fantasy of this man seems to forget that these people are part of his life and are precisely the things that MAKE him who he is.

I mean, what is a little fling? How badly could it hurt? His wife gets to have him for life, and I can have a little fun with him for a moment. I am not asking him to leave, I would never want to hurt his wife or kids by them finding out; it would just be an experience and then it would be done

A little fling for you is the destruction of his wife's trust in her husband, and could end up destroying his marriage and the lives of his kids. This is the part you keep glossing over because you don't quite understand the consequences of an A. You are just looking at how it would affect you. Trust me, his wife will not see it the same way you do. Your fun for a moment can lead to much, much pain for her.

June 18, 2006

Forget married men. Forgt about crushes on them. Forget befriending them. Never mind if they're hitting on you, leave them alone. Going down that road will only end in grief.

That's not always true. I have a couple friends who are married. I became friends with them while they were married, I have never met their wives and don't care to. We are friends, we talk, we email, we go to lunch, sometimes grab a drink after work, we do flirt but "friendly flirting." And that's it. There's nothing more, but I couldn't imagine not having these men in my life as friends. They fill a need for me and I for them.

It's not always about cheating.

June 18, 2006

Yes, it is an emotional affair. They fact that you have already considered it and would SLEEP with him if the opportunity arises shows that you're already standing on a very murky boundary with this guy (and not just as friends).

It is judgemental, but I think emotional affair (your situation) is a form of cheating (both his and your fault). I think you're awful and totally lack values for doing it (and I'm not some old lady preaching, I'm but a year years older than you), but if you want to become the OTHER WOMAN (and potentially help him to ruin his happily married life), then so be it. It takes two to tangle. It'll be both your AND his fault (if HE crosses the line as well). All I hope is that karma gets you back when that happens.

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