garnet Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement. My ex broke up with me in January because he "wasn't ready for a serious relationship" and his ex-girlfriend was getting ready to move back from overseas (they were together until she left, though not that serious) and he wanted to spend time with her. We stayed in friendly contact for awhile. He was still still very flirtatious and hit on me pretty hard one night, so I thought that things must not have worked out between them. The tricky thing is, one of my best friends is his business partner. She told me that he was, in fact, with this girl again, but that it was just fling with her (he knows I'm not a fling kind of girl) because he's not ready for a relationship now. So, I became very angry that he was messing with my head and told him not to contact me again. It has been strict NC since. Three months later...I went out to dinner with my friend the other night and she said that my ex really wants to talk to me and she had to stop him from calling me the other day. She said "he REALLY wants to be your friend." However, she also said that he's not with the girl anymore, which makes me wonder if friendship is really what's on his mind. Anyway, she asked if I would ever be willing to be friends with him, and I said no, fully knowing that this would get back to him. I said that I wouldn't respect myself after what he did. Part of me feels heartbroken all over again. It's sad because we all used to be friends, and now they work together and I work for myself at home, so it gets lonely. Sometimes trying to do the right thing can be very difficult. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks
Diver012 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I think your doing the right thing. Move on. It sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it to so to speak. Be strong and hopefully you will realize that there are plenty of other single men out there that wont play games... I happen to be one of them by the way. So were out there!
riobikini Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Let yourself continue to heal. Don't seek a re-contact -even in friendship- with this person: his behavior, choices, and instability (proven during the breakup) are all unacceptable, in my opinion. He doesn't seem to value, nor respect your intelligence, -nor does he seem to (shown by his actions) *know* if he wants a stable, longterm relationship with anyone. That alone is enough to close down any possibility of re-uniting on a friendship level, as well as on any other, more serious level of contact. If you reignite the friendship, knowing that he remains uncertain in his knowledge of what he truly wants out of a relationship (in regards to longterm, meaningful potential)- you may be setting yourself up for another heartbreak by falling for him all over again through the invitation of friendship. I realize that some people *do* 'wake up' after breaking up and having the necessary time to evaluate where they're going in life, and whom they want -most of all- in it. If this were the case, I feel sure that your ex would have been the one to confront you with that information -not a mutual friend. Hope this helps clarify your thinking -and those temporary -but strong- fleeting urges to *go back* and pick up something that could further hurt you, while turning your back on a future that holds greater promise of *your* Mr. Right. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 The difficulty in this situation is that you BELIEVE you have a choice and therefore you're wondering if you did the right thing. The fact is you didn't do ANYTHING - right or wrong. If he wanted you as his partner, he would have approcahed you himself. He still can do that. He is just trying to see if he can be your friend through your girlfriend. The cowardice of that gesture gives away his intentions - they are not serious. Had he felt anything deeper than sexual attraction to you, he would have come to you and try it out with you. Men don't take "no" for an answer easily. If he approaches you directly and acts nicely and you feel that everything seems right - you'll know you're doing the right thing.
Author garnet Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 thanks for the replies everyone. I guess the difficult thing is that he WAS going to call me himself, but my friend talked him out of it because she told him enough time hadn't passed and she was sure I wouldn't be ready to hear from him yet. So now that I've told her I don't want to hear from him ever, I was worried that if he had in fact had a change of heart, he wouldn't try again now. But now I realize that if those were his true intentions, he wouldn't let my saying that stop him. I'm continuing in my process of moving on, which unfortunately can take longer I think when there is a mutual friend who constantly brings up their name in conversation. *sigh*
riobikini Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 re: Garnet: " I'm continuing in my process of moving on, which unfortunately can take longer I think when there is a mutual friend who constantly brings up their name in conversation. *sigh* " Take your friend aside, and politely -but firmly- let her know how hearing his name affects you, and ask her to refer to him *only when necessary*. Compliance with your wishes (to the best of her ability) will help prove -and strengthen- your friendship. Non-compliance will prove where you *really* stand with her, as well. Hopefully, she isn't a meddler -nor a gossip- by nature and will keep your conversation private. -Rio
In Sync Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 You've heard some of the most sound advice you could possibly get...hopefully this is equally helpful. Listen to it all and see if it helps. http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 How lousy that he asked your mutual friend to try to hook you guys back up. Don't fall for "friends" thing!! That is such an immature way to try to get things started up again. Your doing the right thing and I admire your strong will! Keep it up!! Time heals all!
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I guess the difficult thing is that he WAS going to call me himself, but my friend talked him out of it because she told him enough time hadn't passed and she was sure I wouldn't be ready to hear from him yet. How did he get himself in a situation where he discussed his intentions of calling you with your friend? Is he 17 years old? If he really wanted to call you, not only that he wouldn't have listened to your friend, but her statement not to call you would've made him want to call you even more. He would gladly call you and make out with you, but not if it's too painful for you, because he doesn't want to break your heart. And he knows he will, because his feelings are not strong. When a man loves a woman, nothing stops him from pursuing her. Nothing. Unless she personally rejects him more than once. In my opinion, he just wants casual sex and friendship. C'mon, since when has it become a big deal to make a simple phone call?
Author garnet Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 He and my friend are business partners and have been travelling all over the country the past few weeks for their work. I guess because they spend so much time together they have become close friends and talk about their personal lives a lot. That is how the subject of calling me came up between them. He knows that I'm not a candidate for casual sex because I've made that abundantly clear to him in the past. So who knows. I know that I've gotten really good advice here. Thanks everyone. And InSync, I did listen to the recording and it's great. At first I was resistant because I'm not religious, but I'm glad I stuck with it because it's not really about that. Thanks much.
Author garnet Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 oh, one other thing I forgot to add was that three months ago after he was messing with my head I specifically told him I did not want him to call me or email me again. So that does make it more difficult for him. But still, I agree that if his feelings for me were strong enough, it wouldn't stop him from contacting me now. I do feel good about the fact that I stood up for myself with him and have maintained that. It is a small consolation right now, however!
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I agree that if his feelings for me were strong enough, it wouldn't stop him from contacting me now. I do feel good about the fact that I stood up for myself with him and have maintained that. It is a small consolation right now, however!Good girl.
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