littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Well, I can't tell if you're making fun of US slang, or throwing around UK slang, because, with the exception of "fancy, gobbing, and reckons", this could pass almost perfectly for a very specific American dialect called "Valspeak" which peaked circa 1980 with its epicenter in California's San Fernando Valley. It's a mimick of Vicky Pollard, who is a comedy TV character here in the UK. Basically the 'council estate' loud mouth Spidy and I were discussing! http://www.littlebritain.tv/characters_vicky.htm
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Little children tie to the person they love very closely. Kids are very clingy by nature, some more, some less. They want to be around the person they feel secure with 24/7. They get attached easily and dis-attach not so easily. If the child is not so comfortable around anyone else except his mother, he will request that his mother is with him all the time. This is normal and it's not their mom's fault. It's rather the father's fault for not connecting with his son to a higher level. My children are attached to at least 3 people other than me and I could leave them with any of them at any time. The more people they are attached to the more they are prone to attaching to new people too ( a new uncle they just met, for example). Despite of what most people who don't have children think, kids raise parents more than parents raise their kids. You can teach them to behave nicely, but if they are stubborn, they might teach you to yell. You can teach them to be independent, but if they cry every time you leave, they will teach you to take them with you everywhere. Mothers usually respond according to their children's needs - if they are clingy, the mother will tend to raise them as mamma's boys. At the end, everyone will blame their mothers.
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Here, here. I'm up for some LK arse biting :laugh: I bet! It's very edible according to my SO!
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Little children tie to the person they love very closely. Kids are very clingy by nature, some more, some less. They want to be around the person they feel secure with 24/7. They get attached easily and dis-attach not so easily. If the child is not so comfortable around anyone else except his mother, he will request that his mother is with him all the time. This is normal and it's not their mom's fault. It's rather the father's fault for not connecting with his son to a higher level. My children are attached to at least 3 people other than me and I could leave them with any of them at any time. The more people they are attached to the more they are prone to attaching to new people too ( a new uncle they just met, for example). Despite of what most people who don't have children think, kids raise parents more than parents raise their kids. You can teach them to behave nicely, but if they are stubborn, they might teach you to yell. You can teach them to be independent, but if they cry every time you leave, they will teach you to take them with you everywhere. Mothers usually respond according to their children's needs - if they are clingy, the mother will tend to raise them as mamma's boys. At the end, everyone will blame their mothers. Nicely explained! Good post. I think my SO's son is like your children... he seems very attached to his father and several other close people, including myself. Although he does still have some seperation anxiety when he's with us, but alone with me. He simply likes to know Daddy is still close at hand, but he's slowly learning that if I'm there, Daddy is there somewhere too! I've been around for a year and half and we've build a good bond now. This weekend my Mum and Sister popped over. He's only met them a couple of times so far, and since Daddy was upstairs he immediately reached up to me for a cuddle as there were two new big people around! So I know he trusts me enough! Bless, he was clinging on to me and fiddling with my hair while he remembered who they were. He soon settled again though!
Spiderman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I bet! It's very edible according to my SO! I can imagine Bad spidy
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I can imagine Bad spidy Bad bad Spidy!! I'm still flattered though!
Spiderman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Bad bad Spidy!! I'm still flattered though! Good, I'm so glad you're flattered! Now please leave me in peace to fantasise about your arse!
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Good, I'm so glad you're flattered! Now please leave me in peace to fantasise about your arse! Your not the first man to ask that! *Closes door behind her as she leaves Spidy alone to dream!*
brashgal Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I think you can influence children in the way you present opportunities. If the Mom said "wow, you are going to Sea World with your Dad" in a positive manner and focused on the activities rather than the fact that she would not be there, the child might overcome the separation anxiety and start to get excited about the trip. The minute the Mom shows weakness or empathy, the child feels it's acceptable to wallow in his sadness. Another thing I've found to work is to talk to the child about other people's feelings. How do Daddy or Gramma feel when they pick you up for a visit and all you do is cry? He may not realize how he is making others feel,this encourages him to have empathy as well. I don't mind the word 'kid' but a lot of people I know use the term 'kiddos' - UGH. Makes me think of them as toys or animals - it's a better name for a breakfast cereal than a child.
Spiderman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Your not the first man to ask that! *Closes door behind her as she leaves Spidy alone to dream!* Again, I can imagine! You really don't wanna know what's going on behind that closed door LK
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Are you guys e-humping on my child-rearing thread???? He hasn't had any major changes in his life, things have been consistantly like they are for just ever. She did tell me yesterday that his dad says that when he stays at their place he gets up to use the restroom 2 or 3 times during the night. He doesn't do that at home or at his grandmother's house. (Her mom lives in Seattle, but his mom is here in Houston and spends a lot of time with him. Being a single mom with a demanding job, his mother has been a real godsend to her because she's able to help out so much with last minute babysitting needs.) He doesn't cry when he goes to school, just when something deviates from the regular routine or when he knows he's going to be separated from her.
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Are you guys e-humping on my child-rearing thread???? E-humping! Sorry catgirl!!
Spiderman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Are you guys e-humping on my child-rearing thread???? Sorry catgirl, LK's fault, she's leading poor innocent spidy astray!
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Sorry catgirl, LK's fault, she's leading poor innocent spidy astray! Well I never...!!
Spiderman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Well I never...!! We need to get a room I think LK we're ruining this thread
brashgal Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 She did tell me yesterday that his dad says that when he stays at their place he gets up to use the restroom 2 or 3 times during the night. He doesn't do that at home or at his grandmother's house. Too much soda? Too much to drink before bed? Maybe he goes in there because he knows he can turn on the light and lock the door - less scary than being in a strange bedroom.
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 IIf the Mom said "wow, you are going to Sea World with your Dad" in a positive manner and focused on the activities rather than the fact that she would not be there, the child might overcome the separation anxiety and start to get excited about the trip. And again a great underestimation of children's judgement. If a child has experienced something, there's no way on earth you could persuade him that it's good, when he think it's not good. My mother and I have gossipped about my ex-husband numerous times in front of the children (not a good thing, I know) and they still loved him and wanted to spend time with him. Of course, with time we started feeling sorry for him more than anything else. Another thing I've found to work is to talk to the child about other people's feelings. How do Daddy or Gramma feel when they pick you up for a visit and all you do is cry? He may not realize how he is making others feel,this encourages him to have empathy as well.This is a good thing, but it only teaches him diplomacy. If he feels bad around his dad and his GF then he has a bad time with them. I'd say the mom should find out what makes his time with the dad so bad. Perhaps he doesn't pay attention to his son. Perhaps he talks bad about his mom with his GF or the GF hates the child. It might be safer for the chiold to not even see his father until he corrects his behavior. Why do you, people, encourage a situation that makes a little boy unhappy? We don't even know if it's his connection to his mom or his bad connection to his dad. I don't mind the word 'kid' but a lot of people I know use the term 'kiddos' - UGH. Makes me think of them as toys or animals - it's a better name for a breakfast cereal than a child. I call mine kittens, bunnies, worms, bugs, sunshines, idiots...
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 He LOVES Sea World. He wants to go, and is ok with his dad and his girlfriend going, he just wants his mommy to go too. She's asked him why he cries. He says he loves them very much, they are very nice to him, but he wants to be with her. He gets less to drink before bed when he's with them because they thought that was it. She has no idea why he's getting up, but doesn't want him to think there is anything wrong with it so she doesn't ask. I mean, if you gotta go...
brashgal Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 This is a good thing, but it only teaches him diplomacy. I don't agree, I think children can relate to feeling badly and don't want others to feel badly - he won't be 'handling' the adults, he'll be trying to put himself in their place.
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 This is a good thing, but it only teaches him diplomacy. I don't agree, I think children can relate to feeling badly and don't want others to feel badly - he won't be 'handling' the adults, he'll be trying to put himself in their place.Do you have children, Brashgirl?
Trimmer Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I don't know, I think you have to be very careful how you put things: How do Daddy or Gramma feel when they pick you up for a visit and all you do is cry? As opposed to recognizing and acknowledging whatever he's feeling inside, and making it safe for him to maybe bring it out in whatever way a 4-year old is able to, saying "all you do is cry" seems to me to take a tone that invalidates his feelings. Call it diplomacy, but doesn't this imply a judgement that says "hide your feelings to make other people feel better?" And these are close family members with whom we would specifically hope he would feel safe sharing feelings of fear or sadness. Empathy is good and important, and a recognition of how you affect other people is ultimately a very important character trait, but I think you have to be careful not to have them stuffing their feelings back inside too early in life. Hah! They'll do that quite well on their own once they get to the "sullen teenager" stage... I much prefer to start wtih more open ended, neutral questions like "How did it go today? What happened at the zoo?" and see what that opens up, but I think it's worth navigating carefully.
littlekitty Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 He LOVES Sea World. He wants to go, and is ok with his dad and his girlfriend going, he just wants his mommy to go too. She's asked him why he cries. He says he loves them very much, they are very nice to him, but he wants to be with her. He gets less to drink before bed when he's with them because they thought that was it. She has no idea why he's getting up, but doesn't want him to think there is anything wrong with it so she doesn't ask. I mean, if you gotta go... It does sounds like this maybe what he's experiencing. He seems happy with both families from what you are saying, he's just experiencing some anxiety when being seperated from his mother. I'd suggest both the mother and father look at some coping methods and try to work together to use them and make thier child feel more comfortable. That should help them all feel better as a family... abliet a seperated one.
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 As opposed to recognizing and acknowledging whatever he's feeling inside, and making it safe for him to maybe bring it out in whatever way a 4-year old is able to, saying "all you do is cry" seems to me to take a tone that invalidates his feelings. Call it diplomacy, but doesn't this imply a judgement that says "hide your feelings to make other people feel better?" And these are close family members with whom we would specifically hope he would feel safe sharing feelings of fear or sadness. Empathy is good and important, and a recognition of how you affect other people is ultimately a very important character trait, but I think you have to be careful not to have them stuffing their feelings back inside too early in life. Hah! They'll do that quite well on their own once they get to the "sullen teenager" stage... I much prefer to start wtih more open ended, neutral questions like "How did it go today? What happened at the zoo?" and see what that opens up, but I think it's worth navigating carefully.Great post, Trimmer!
Trimmer Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Gosh, I've been thinking about this a lot over the past day or so... Another thought I had: When kids experience trauma or loss at a given age, they will sometimes revisit it, or reprocess it, at various times as they get older and reach different developmental stages, with the (sometimes limited) developmental tools they have availabe to them at those times. Now, just because the biological parents' separation happened before he was aware of it, don't think that it won't still be a factor at various stages in his life, as if "well, it's all he's ever known, so that can't be a factor." He will still have to go through his various developmental stages with this fact as a backdrop. Now, it occurs to me that age 4 is around the time that this child might be starting to evolve his model of "family" based more and more on external observations: seeing his peers with their parents, etc. I wonder if it is possible that he's sensing that his situation is somehow "different", and is showing some behavioral signs of his attempts to deal with that? I'm not saying it's good or bad, or that his behavior is right or wrong, but if the question is "why has his behavior changed in this way now", I immediately want to ask myself "what is going on with him developmentally that might be prompting a change in behavior?" I'm only throwing this out there as a possibilty for discussion - heck, he could just be an extra-sensitive kid going through "typical" separation anxiety. But I'll reieterate that I don't think you can just look at an objective description of the behavior in isolation and say "normal" or "not normal"; I think you have to really look at his particular "big picture" - his life, his family, his environment - in detail, to try to understand what might be going on developmentally in his head and heart.
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Gosh, I've been thinking about this a lot over the past day or so... Another thought I had: You were really busy yesterday, huh! Now, it occurs to me that age 4 is around the time that this child might be starting to evolve his model of "family" based more and more on external observations: seeing his peers with their parents, etc. Ya know, we went to a school picnic one day and I thought all kids would be there with both their parents, but most of them were there with their moms. With 50% of divorce rate, it's disputable what's normal nowadays - to have or not to have two parents under the same roof. When I got divorced, I was so ashamed, I thought I was the only one. Then I realized that I was meeting more divorced people than married couples.
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