augustus Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me, because, this is something I have never experienced before. My ex broke up with me last September, we didn't talk for two months then she started contacting me and I ended up getting sucked back in. We were kind of together until January when she moved to the west coast. I was devestated, but I thought I could stay friends (I have since learned that I can't, nor am I obligated to - its totally my decision to make). Regardless, she wrote me from her new place of residence to tell me how great it was, etc... At that point I stopped responding and it seemed like she got the hint, she sent me a note saying that she understands and that there are no hard feelings, etc... I have done strict NC since January. Her birthday just passed recently and I didn't even send her a note. Since going NC (I'm just over 5 months in) this is the 4th email I am getting from her. She actually states in her note that she knows I won't respond and will probably delete the message and yet she is still writing about whats going on with her... She ended the note with this: Hope you're doing well... "[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I’ll send you another note you’ll most likely delete in a few months." [/sIZE][/FONT] Is it just me or is there something wrong here??? What does she want exactly? I'm actually afraid to break NC at this point - although, arguably, I have broken it simply by reading the note... I would truly appreciate some insight, encouragement or tough love from those of you in the same boat. It's not nearly as bad as it was at first but it just thew me for a loop seeing the note today...Why would someone, who, by their own admission thinks I'm deleting the notes and not reading them take the time to write me a paragraph about how she's doing (and yet not even ask how I'm doing)? If I emailed someone once or twice without a response I would most certainly give up... In the past, I have lost touch with all my exes and none of them kept writing me...
2020vision Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 First off, I would like to say congratulations for making it so far into NC! I was in a very similiar situation and am crossing my fingers that I am finally out of it. My ex would email out of nowhere, then after not responding he would then follow it up with a call..(consider yourself lucky that its just emails) She is just trying to feed her ego and is messing with your mind at the same time. Continue ignoring her and I would seriously suggest blocking her. Might seem extreme but will help you stay on track for sure. She is just being selfish. Do not get sucked in!! You have come so far, you do not want to backslide at this point. Best Wishes, 2020
Author augustus Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Thank you for your kind words 2020... NC does give us a little bit of clarity... As I sit here tonight (on beer #3...lol) pondering the whole situation, I can't help but feel ridiculuous for going off on such a tangent... I guess thats what NC does for us - gives us the time and space required to process what is happenning...Before NC I would have replied right away, but now I have accepted that it is okay not to respond...It doesn't mean we're rude or uncaring...It just means that we care for ourselves a little more than we care for that other person...It means that we are putting ourselves first... cheers
dr strangelove Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hmm Im not sure why it is thought someone who broke up with you contacts out of EGO. I can only think back to when I didnt understand why women acted a certain way and I was out in the dating scene which I wasnt used to. I used to subscribe to this daying newsletter. It always said if they are contacting you they have an interest in you. My ex does the same thing. After so long she will pop up. Its been a while now and I have blocked her on MSN.. however I did recieve a call today from a private number and they hung up when I answered. Do you wish to get back with your ex?
bendit Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 she is contacting you in the hopes that she can keep you in her orbit as a friend acquaintance whatever in the hopes that you may be available to "Supply" her with emotional support, attention, etc. She also may use you to triangulate against whoever is in her life at the moment to create drama and feed her ego that multiple men have an interest in her. Its not about you and your needs. its about hers. the reason she kept emailing is because you responded. you said you stopped and if that is true then she will stop. These folks don't do anything without our complete cooperation. if we don't cooperate they slink off and spread their misery to the next person that temporarily falls under their spell. Delete the emails unread. regards
Author augustus Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 dr strangelove, its puzzling to me from a human behavior perspective. It seems like she is definitely looking for something, otherwise she wouldn't persist. bendit, I have read most of your posts and they have been very helpful. As I said I have not responded to a single email since January. Since then there have been 4 of them from her (all without a response from me). What is odd is that she seems to know what I'm doing. I'm not feeding anything. She continues to write me even while stating in her email that she knows I won't respond and will probably delete the emails. That is whats so confusing to me. I know I would never do this.
Author augustus Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Dr. strangelove, At this point I'm really not sure if I want to get back with her, but I do miss her. The question would be, has she changed? There is also the fact that I'm on the east coast and she is on the west coast. She did mention in her last email that she feels lonely sometimes, etc...The problem is that the trust has been broken, she hurt me...Everytime she sends a note it tugs on my hearts strings...I feel bad not responding...I'd like to talk to her, but I'm afraid to open a pandora's box...I don't want friendship I want more than that...I guess I'm not really that clear on what I want...I wish I understood her motivation...Maybe she is feeding her own ego, I have no idea...She mentioned in her last email that she was reading some of our previous emails (back when we were a couple)...We really did have an incredible dynamic...Everytime she contacts me and I read the emails I lose my clarity...
2020vision Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 although, arguably, I have broken it simply by reading the note... You said it right there. You are breaking NC, and it is clouding your brain. Don't even read her emails and you won't be put on this rollercoaster of emotion. From a woman's prospective, its not a matter of "maybe" she is feeding her ego....SHE IS. As I said before, She is being incredibly selfish, and quite frankly it seems as though she has always been this way, moving across the country?? Check out all the posts on LS about Long Distance Relationships and see how much pain and grief they cause. Don't settle for this crap that she is dishing out. You need to get rid of her COMPLETLEY. ...I wish I understood her motivation...Maybe she is feeding her own ego, I have no idea...She mentioned in her last email that she was reading some of our previous emails (back when we were a couple)...We really did have an incredible dynamic...Everytime she contacts me and I read the emails I lose my clarity... Someone told me a phrase once that really made a light bulb go off in my head: "Stop searching for something that wasn't even there to begin with." You are looking for explanations and answers to things that need to be left alone. Take the same energy and thoughts you are putting into your ex, and put them towards self improvement and trust me this whole deal that you are going through with emails will be non-existent.
bendit Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 the worst place to be with these things is half way in and half way out. that's what people do when they read these things and want desperately to respond, but don't. its the worst of all possible worlds. why are you not blocking her emails? she is trying to get a rise out of you. she wants you to say you miss her and want her. then she will say "but I CAN"T. I am flattered but I can't." That's an ego boost and that's what she is looking for. look she dumped you and is now giving you this crap that inhibits you from moving on. so go ALL THE WAY. folks are so reluctant to take that last final step. block her. what good is she to you across the country teasing you with accounts of her new life designed to hurt you. please take the action we prescribe. regards
In Sync Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Often we take it that just because somebody dumps us (for whatever reason) they have their s**t together. We get so caught up in our own pain and hurt that it never occurs to us that maybe the dumpee is just flat out bent psychologically. Maybe your ex doesn't need a rubber room, but if she is insisting on writing you knowing full well you are not going to respond, she is being manipulative and nuts. Why would she continue to write you? And here you are receiving her e-mails and spinning your head trying to figure her out. Look, she dumped you. And you should send her a birthday greeting? WTF??? This is not just a girl regretting breaking up with you, this is behavior of a classic narcissist who is only concern with getting attention back on her. Plain and simple. Sure you can keep receiving her e-mails but why would you want to, seeing that the brief contacts (which includes reading her e-mails) bugs you?
Author augustus Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Thanks so much guys...Your responses mean so much to me especially since I have read many of your posts...This gives me strength... 2020, you're absolutely right...Initially I created a mail filter, which I have now reenabled...Reading her s*** just makes me spin my wheels which is definitely not good for me...I definitely don't want a long distance relationship...It just seems like the woman I knew wouldn't be that way (i.e. just trying to boost her ego), but as you point out, did I truly know her? Is it possible that she was always this way and I just didn't see it? Bendit, as much as I hate to admit it, I did this to myself by readign the email...And yes, I'm half way in and half way out...Feeling bad about not responding, wanting to be there for her, etc...I guess I have to ask myself why I'm so afraid to take that last step...Why is it so hard to let go? What am I (or we copers) afraid of? She is so far away, adds no value to my life at this point... In Sync, it is so hard to imagine, in my current state that she is bent...She seems like she has it so together...Move by her self away from her family friends etc...The last 5 and a half months I have been thinking that I was the one that was f@%&ked up (not to say that I don't have issues)...Her contact is just plain outside my realm of understanding, but maybe she has issues too...I'm so tired of her on the pedestal and me down here with the mortals...On some level I need to accept that I was wrong, that my judgement maybe skewed...btw, I listened to the MP3 you posted yesterday, it was great Bottom line, I need to get back to the point where I don't even see the emails...I have now done that...Its kind of nice that others also think her behavior is a little odd... maybe I just need some validation, that I'm not so out of whack...
overseas2004 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I guess its important here for me before I can answer to find out why you broke up. Did she break up? ANd why? If she broke up then you should not contact her. She should come to your doorstep and ask you back. BTW, I havent experienced anything like this but my best friend is going through the same thing now. This guy treated her like crap. Dumped her on numerous occassions. NOt only does he keep writing (even though she doesnt respond) but my best friends ex also called up one of her friends and had a one on one chat with him about why he broke up with her, trying to defend his position. This conversation lasted for two hours. The odd thing is that he never offered to get back together with my best friend. He EVEN sent her a birthday present. She didnt respond. But he STILL keeps writing. He says stuff like he had a dream they were fighting or he is sad that they broke up. But he never says "lets get back together or lets talk about getting back together. Why? In her case I think that he feels bad for what he did and he realizes what a great girl she is that he lost but he is too much of a wuss to do what he has to do to be with her. In your case, I would like more info.
Author augustus Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Hi Overseas2004, She broke up with me last September...She sited a number of reasons such as incompatibility, etc...Then in two months she started contacting me again...Never having been exposed to this kind of emotional vampire before I went along with it and became the proverbial doormat...She told me she accepted a job 4000km away and that she was looking forward to moving...I let her go again, she started contacting me and we spent some time together in December...I must have been in denial but when she actually moved and started to email me from there telling me how incredible it was and how she felt right at home, I had enough...I created an mail filter and didn't look back for 3 months...After that time I had this weird feeling that maybe she was starting to get in touch with me... I checked the folder where the mail was going and noticed that she had sent a few messages... Prior to cutting it off I sent her a sarcastic note stating that I was really glad for her... She responded by saying that she hoped that her contacting me isn't putting me out and if it was I should let her know... I didn't respond...I opened the folder 3 months later and noticed that she had responded saying that she understands and that there are no hard feeling and that maybe we could talk in the future...Than there was another very recent note which was simply a subject line asking "So are you still not speaking to me?"...Again I let all of this go, now she sent another note which was quite long detailing what she has been up to...Saying that she was here recently and wanted to visit me but she was worried that I was angry with her...She also said that she is doing quite a bit of traveling and life is "grand", etc...And how much I would like the last place she was at...She is totally upbeat (or at least sounds that way)...Actually, if I didn't despise her so much for all of this her note was pretty witty (something I always liked about her) I have no idea anymore.... What I know is that opening the message was a huge mistake... Removing the filter was a huge mistake... I figured that ignoring all the previous contact and not sending a note for her birthday, coupled with her emails about respecting my wishes if I didn't want contact would have put the final nail in the coffin...But now she started again and her note clearly acknowledges that she understands I'm ignoring her and that she would write me again in a few months...I have put the email filter back on... Unlike previous occasions the only thing I'm really feeling now is absolute, undiluted, intense anger...I don't like the way I feel...I'm so not out of this yet...I'm starting to think that she is a malicious selfish bitch who is trying to play with my head...I can't respond because I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing where I'm at... I do not want her to see what I feel...That is the only thing I have left...I'm supposed to be in control now...Everything is on my timeline, or was prior to reading the note... Please excuse the anger but I'm totally flustered right now...I needed to vent I guess...
2020vision Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I know the anger feeling very well...I have not had that feeling in a while. But I remember one night when I was running on the treadmill and listening to my ipod a song came on that reminded me of my ex and I got soooo frickin pissed and I took it all out on the treadmill...and my legs...lol ouch!! Its a good thing to be pissed I guess, better than being depressed ...Its just another phase that you have to go through to get over her. It actually really helped me to start truley getting over my ex to get mad, as opposed to feeling sappy and sentimental. I just got pissed and determined to never get f*cked over again!
Bangles Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I might have misread some of your post but let me ask, did you indeed tell her that you no longer wanted any communication from her after she asked you if it bothered you? Maybe she just thinks that you don't have a problem with her short little letters about how fabulous and awesome her life is. Maybe she is a fruit-cake too lol. Just curious about what you told her.
Author augustus Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 2020, It was anger that helped start NC back in January, I just got so sick and tired of feeling so crappy...I just had enough at that point...I guess up until that time, I held out for some hope and maybe she felt sorry for me, who knows... Bangles, I was so confused and devestated at the time that I didn't want to even write her a note, so no I never came out and explicitly stated that I wanted no contact...I just never wrote back (This was back in January)...When I saw the emails 3 months later there was a note there , from January, which basically stated that she assumed that my lack of response meant that I wanted nothing to do with her. She said she understood and there were no hard feelings... Wished me well and said that perhaps we would speak sometime in the future... Then at the end of April another email asking if I'm still not speaking to her...Then I missed her b-day (which would be a pretty clear signal to me with no other responses to an notes) and now another note...She was here a few weeks ago, and didn;t attempt to contact me...This last email was actually relatively long...I think I just have to understand that this is just the way she is...Oblivious... If life is so grand why is she still writing to me? She seems like she is totally happy, doesn't regret a thing so thats what was puzzling... Why can't people make a decision and just stick with it...I hate disingenous BS...She should just come out and state whatever it is she wants... Regardless, the filter is back on, but now I'm just wondering what kind of individual I'm dealing with here. I just want to mention once again, how much I appreciate all your responses...Talking about this is helping me...Its nice to get different perspectives and to know that I'm not alone in this s***storm...
miranda beverly Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Send her a note simply saying, "my girflfriend doesn't appreciate your emails" and leave it at that. Problem solved. I can gurantee there will be no more emails after that.
overseas2004 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 my ex just contacted me after the second sms which I ignored. Demanding to know how I am since I am sick and he broke up with me while I was sick. I know how you feel. I was so hurt by this message. He is demanding to know how I am now, but when I was sick. He did not care that much then. He went sailing and left me behind. Granted I aint dying but WTF. Now he is accusing me of not answering. After having read your letter I think honestly that she is playing games with you and that you are entitled to write her what one of the other writers suggested. My girlfriend doesnt appreciate your messages and we both wish they would stop. If you want to go further it is illegal for her to continue contact that you dont want. And the internet actually makes it a federal offense. You could also block her. If you need to vent more. Feel free to write. [email protected] Part of me feeling better plan is to help others. So feel free.
Author augustus Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Thanks for the advice guys, I have blocked emails coming from her, they'll be treated as junk mail...I think the worst part of all this is that I, the dumpee, am feeling guilty for not reposnding to the last note...I feel bad for her, I feel like she is trying to reach out to me and I'm so "cold" (for lack of a better word)...It will take me sometime to purge the BS out of my head...It has been very difficult to concentrate on work today...I just want to get out of here and be alone... Note to self and others who maybe going down this path... NC means no contact...No contact means you do not read their emails, listen to voicemail if they call... NC means you don't allow them the chance to get to you at all... Close all doors...I guess I got ahead of myself and felt that I was much further along on the road to recovery...I always hoped that someday we could be friends at least because as I said there was an amazing dynamic there, but I know that I'm definitely not there... I tell myself that if one day I reach a point of indifference, I can always initiate contact...For now, and the foreseeable future, this is not the case...I also wonder, whether I would really want that friendship if I reached indifference...Probably not...I haven't even seen her in six months, I think I'm just holding on to an idealized image which isn't really her... As far as sending a note, I really don't want to go there...I also don't believe in being dishonest, and playing games...I'm also not 100% sure that it would stop right there and then...I thought it would stop with no responses but obviously not...Silence speaks volumes and with emails blocked I won't see them anymore... I think I will also need to shift my focus (slap myself upside the head) and stop trying to figure out (obsess) her motivation...Is it really relevant? Is she here? Does she give me anything? I think if she really wanted more she wouldn't have moved away...
overseas2004 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 My best friend just got another sms from the person who she dated for a year who wont take the hint. You know, just like you, it took her right back to where she was a long time ago. She should change her phone. To answer your question. Would she have moved away. NO. Not only that but if she regretted her decision, she wouldnt be emailing you. She would be on the phone talking to you or on your DOORSTEP. I think you made a good move to bulk mail her. But I wanted to clarify one thing. Some of us practice no contact so that teh person will rethink what they did and come back. IN that case we are permitted to see the message, we just dont respond to it until it comes in the right form. Phone call/door bell ring... I am sorry lets make up. Not how are you? Not what are you doing? Not anything but I am sorry and lets get back together. BUt that is just for clarity.
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