overseas2004 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Ok, we broke up about a month ago. The reasons are in a previous post but the bottom line is that our relationship moved really fast and we were making plans to move in and have kids when he got scared. I went to visit him. He lives in Europe. We broke up because of various reasons I wont bore you all with. I got sick and he came to see me. We talked about making up but he never really decided what to do. Five days after our last meeting he texted me and asked are you feeling better? I had already decided to institute the no contact rule. Mostly because I was always chasing him and calling him. Today, a week and a half later I got a second text. It says "if you already did not want to answer me about how you are feeling at least you could have let me know what the doctor said. Thanks in advance. And then he signed his name. I know that I cant interpret the whole world into this. But some advice is appreciated. I do love this guy. Do want him back. But we broke up because I had to call him more often than he called me and because he was always acting evasive when we were supposed to see each other. I know that it may seem cold not to let him know about my health but I have to let you all know that I am not doing this to toy with the guy, I just think why should he care now when he was so evasive before. Let me know what you think.
allina Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Unlike 99.999999999999% of people here I don't think that NC is some super fix/way to go about things. You guys broke up, but that does not mean that he does not care about your well being. I don't know what the doctor thing that he is talking about it but I think it's nice and thoughtful to reply, keep it so a simple "yeah I'm doing fine, thank you" but I see no reason to just ignore him. I'm in a situation w/ my ex where I still want him back, everyone said ncncncnc and I did it for a few days, however I found that it felt forced and was not helping me. We chatted on aim yesterday, I kept it friendsy, didnt mention the relationship and we decided to go to the movies this Sat. I know that it's probably over for good but I feel better ending things this way.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 I would agree with you in most respects Alinna but the problem is that when we were dating sometimes I would text him or write him. Once I even sent him a text taht I was feeling ill and it took him 24 hours to respond to me. I am a bit put off by the fact that he did that to me. And while I do agree that he is concerned about me probably. I had some blood spotting woman thing. He really did not care to much for me or cherish me before. Kisses for the thoughts though.
lynni31 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Do you think maybe he was taking all the chasing for granted and now he is irritated because you are not chasing him anymore?
Author overseas2004 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Yes I do believe that he is concerned about my health. But I also think that he is irritated that I did not respond. He feels entitled to a response. But when I couldnt get one out of him, that was no big deal. He would say... I was busy. I couldnt write back to you for 24 hours.
lynni31 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 You said things were moving fast.. maybe he was just trying to slow things down a little by being evasive. I was in the same situation but opposite .. things were moving very fast and he was doing all the chasing, even tho I was crazy about him I was evasive and not returning the constant phone calls , but only because I was trying to slow it down , believe me when this guy stopped calling out of nowhere it woke me up QUICK as to what I really wanted , and then I found myself for the first time in my life being the chaser .. perfect example how nc works if the person really does care back.
Diver012 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I think you may be reading a bit more into this. It sounds more like a breakdown of communication. I personally think you should be talking to him. Tell him how you felt, and still feel.
lynni31 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I agree with diver and think you should tell him how you feel.
RealBroken Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Write a letter if you need to. Dont make the direction of the letter to make him feel guilty though.......... he will back off and be angry. Tell him the facts, not warm and dont be cold either. Neutral. With compassion I guess. Just so he knows why you are angry. This may turn everything around. Does he truely know why u broke up or was he supposed to read between the lines a bit, or were the main reasons indirect or small in being highlighted. I find this is huge in break ups and guys often dont ever realise the REAL reason. Us men are dumb when it comes to communicating with women. You need to tell us things directly and highlight them. FACTS. We can take hints and suggestions, we dont hear or see them
Author overseas2004 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 The bottom line is that we were living apart from each other. I live in America and he lives in Europe. But I go on business trips to Europe every month. OUr relationship was moving fast because according to him we are 38 and we know what we want. But I had to do all teh coming to see him and I had to do most of the calling. He asked me to go get an HIV test and he said he would get one too. I asked him what if I get pregnant. He said That is ok, in fact I would like it. When we did sleep together he pulled out. We got into a fight because I thought that this showed he didnt want what he was saying he wanted. I got sick of not just all his talk about marriage and children but the fact that I was teh pursuer in this relationship. Yes I know its my fault for not playing the game. A few days after we broke up. I got sick. Its nothing serious but I had to have some surgery to remove a pre cancerous cells on my cervix. This is why he is contacting me now to find out how I am. He wants to know what how this minor surgery went. The reason I dont want to answer is two fold. First, I am angry. When I got sick he wasnt supportive and didnt call me right away. Now he wants to be there for me. Also, I am afraid, and this is ridiculous but that this will be our last contact.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 The bottom line is that we were living apart from each other. I live in America and he lives in Europe. But I go on business trips to Europe every month. OUr relationship was moving fast because according to him we are 38 and we know what we want. But I had to do all teh coming to see him and I had to do most of the calling. He asked me to go get an HIV test and he said he would get one too. I asked him what if I get pregnant. He said That is ok, in fact I would like it. When we did sleep together he pulled out. We got into a fight because I thought that this showed he didnt want what he was saying he wanted. I got sick of not just all his talk about marriage and children but the fact that I was teh pursuer in this relationship. Yes I know its my fault for not playing the game. A few days after we broke up. I got sick. Its nothing serious but I had to have some surgery to remove a pre cancerous cells on my cervix. This is why he is contacting me now to find out how I am. He wants to know what how this minor surgery went. The reason I dont want to answer is two fold. First, I am angry. When I got sick he wasnt supportive and didnt call me right away. Now he wants to be there for me. Also, I am afraid, and this is ridiculous but that this will be our last contact.
rkman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 It sounds like you obviously don't want anything to do with him, and/or realize that he isn't going to be the person for you. I say you reply. Tell him you are fine, everythig is alright and you no longer wish to speak with him. He'll probably reply at which time you could ask him to please stop contacting you. You don't have to sink to the level of an inconsiderate person to teach them a lesson.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 I want to be with him. I love him.
rkman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I want to be with him. I love him. Alright, but remember he isn't your child. There is a fine line between teaching someone, and trying to change them. I do support the betterment of your partner, but in order to accomplish this, you must both recognize the issues, which BOTH of you might have. The only thing you can do, is tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him, what you tell us, perhaps in a different form, but try to get the same message accross. No contact is great for geting over someone, and for a short time is good for your personal health. I don't always agree though that no contact, but limited contact is often good to allow both parties the time to recuperate. Remember, communication is a foundational need for a successful relationship. Short form, space is good, too much may not be so good. There is nothing wrong with perhaps telling him exactly how you feel and asking him to take some time to think about it for a long while. This way you will get limited contact, and your issues out on the table.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 I already feel that I have told him what bothered me about the relationship. He KNOWS that me being the one who pursued him and called was teh problem. He also knows that had issues with trusting him on whether he really wanted to marry me or not. So now, since he was so apt at not calling me or answering my sms' texts for a day or so. I figure he may learn when someone does the same thing to him.
Yoyito Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I already feel that I have told him what bothered me about the relationship. He KNOWS that me being the one who pursued him and called was teh problem. He also knows that had issues with trusting him on whether he really wanted to marry me or not. So now, since he was so apt at not calling me or answering my sms' texts for a day or so. I figure he may learn when someone does the same thing to him. if he hasn't completely given up on you, giving some space and time, ie LC works wonders.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Tonight I have to decide whether or not I will text him tomorrow. Part of me doesnt want to at all because he so does not deserve it. But I am also afraid that he wont write back. On the other hand, I should write something I guess if there is any chance on it working out. I wish he had just asked something about me other than my health.
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