RobertDItalian Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 My wife and I have been married for just short of 5 yrs. She has a son through a previous relationship who is now almost 12, and we have son together who is just under 2 years old. In December, she asked me to leave. Her reasons are valid, I can now see and admit that fact. I spent to much time on the computer, I quit several jobs, I didn't help with the kids enough, I didn't take her out enough or let her go out with her friends enough. While from my perspective, I had some good reasons for the choices I made that hurt her, and have always WANTED to do right, more often than not, the results were irresponsible, inconsiderate and even hurtful. I see now the mistakes I have made and have started on a path of real change. Alot of the issues I have had are issues that have been a problem my whole life and have wanted to fix for quite awhile now. Unfortunately, depsite my very real desire for positive change within myself, I have never been able to follow through or make the changes permanent. It's been about 6 months now without her and finally, due to alot of reading and determination, I am making very real changes within myself. I have told her this but it seems to be to little, to late. She says she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to work things out but I believe deep down she does, she is just afraid of more of the same broken promises of change. I know in my heart that the changes within me are real but how can I get her to see those changes if we don't spend any time together and she isn't looking for the changes. I used to smoke pot every day. I saw nothing wrong with that, but in fact it kept me in a fog that helped to prevent me from making the very changes to myself that I needed to both for myself and for her. I have quit smoking several times in my life but in every instance, I still longed for the day I could smoke again. This time is different, I got up one night 2 weeks ago after a nightmare involving my loss of her love and threw every thing pot related in the dumpster. Since then, I have had no desire to smoke. As the fog lifted, I really started to realize the mistakes I had made and how much hurt those mistakes had caused her and others in my life. Now, due to the overwhelming financial obligations of being a single mom with 2 kids she has been evicted from our former home. I have tried to tell her of my changes and suggested that we get back together and try again but she so far is refusing. I think there is a part of her that still loves me and wants it to work out but she is rightfully hesitant to say the least. If we did get back together, it would also solve alot of the financial concerns we both have at the moment. I have been with alot of women over my 33yrs on this planet and none have even come close to how much I care for her and our kids. I really regret the things I have said and done that hurt her but don't know how to convince her that THIS TIME I'LL SUCCEED when I've broken so many promises in the past. After reading alot of stories on this forum I realize I need to quit making promises and trying to get her back but instead SHOW HER REAL CHANGE and let her come back in her own time if at all. I was starting to do that and yesterday had asked her for 6 months more before filing for divorce to allow time for me to make the changes and for her to be able to see the proof and she has agreed. But now that she has only 2 weeks to find a place to move, I can't help but feel that now would be the perfect time to give it another try given the financial benefits of living together again. I told her as much in a conversation today and it seemed that if only for a moment, she was considering it. However, she ultimately seems not to want to do that. I could almost hear the voices in her head telling her, "Don't do it, he'll just let you down again.". I know this is not true. Being without her has really put things into perspective for me as to what my priorities should be in our relationship should we be able to try again. If she did give me another shot, I know I would spend the rest of my life making sure she didn't regret it. I couldn't handle losing her or my family again. HELP! Thanks ahead of time for any input people want to post in this topic. Signed, The boy who cried wolf and now has the wolf in front of him and nobody will listen.
JadeStar Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 The only thing I know to tell you is, SHE has to be wiling to give you another chance. You could spend you time begging and pleading, but until she makes it up in her mind that she wants that second chance theres probably not alot you could do. I think you would want her to give you another chance becasue she really wanted things to work out, not because you begged etc. I'm not saying you are begging her. just using that as an example. Have you all been to marraige counseling at all? That might be helpful, but once again she has to be willing to go. Hope all works out for you. Jade
Author RobertDItalian Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 I made an appointment with a marriage counselor already and go in tomorrow. I'll ask her to go but at least for now, I don't think she'll say yes. I am going to go anyways to get help for myself. Maybe it will make it easier to make the changes I need to and in so doing increase the likelihood of the changes taking hold and maybe even saving the marriage. Either way, whether we work out or not, I need to change these things for myself, these problems of mine have cost me to much to often and it needs to end. Once and for all.
Author RobertDItalian Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Ya know, also, one thing I think doesn't get addressed enough in these posts and in relationships in general is the role friends and fairweather friends play in these situations. My friends tend to think she is in the wrong and hers the opposite. The constant comments from friends, fairweather or not, who are not personally involved or vested in the relationship itself, are not productive. Really their advice is to a degree useless as they only get one side of the argument and are basing their advice on that sides perspective only.
PandorasBox Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I made an appointment with a marriage counselor already and go in tomorrow. I'll ask her to go but at least for now, I don't think she'll say yes. I am going to go anyways to get help for myself. Maybe it will make it easier to make the changes I need to and in so doing increase the likelihood of the changes taking hold and maybe even saving the marriage. Either way, whether we work out or not, I need to change these things for myself, these problems of mine have cost me to much to often and it needs to end. Once and for all. Thats great you are going to counseling. And you're right even if she wont go, you go for yourself. Keep us posted on how your situation is going.
ilmw Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hi, I am no expert or anythi9ng like that...I am new this as well...but I wanted to tell you how your situation is almost a mirror to mine...except for the pot...(hahah) I, and probably alot of othes here know what you are going through...listening to them and thinking about what is said has realy helped me...reading and reading and reading about relationships...helps too. It has given me more understanding of myself and what I need to do. Positive changes in yourself can become a good habit. Smiling and smiling and smiling makes you feel good. I too battled with trying to improve myself and never did...I did not know what my problems realy were...so how could I try and change?? Now that I am getting seperated...(we still live in the same house with my step son 12...and our 5 yr old son ) I was 'slapped into reality' and after the initial shock wore off... that my marriage was heading down sh-t creek with out a paddle...I chose to find that paddle with, or without my DW.... I just want to say again how scary our stories are so much alike. As are so many on this board. Keep your chin up...easy to say hard to do...I know...but if I can do it....so can you TAke care
rkman Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 There isn't much you can do, it relies on her values, self-esteem, trust. Keep doing what you arre doing for yourself before you try to get her back. The most important thing in fixing yourself is concentrating on yourself. You relationship with yourself must be healthy before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. A marriage is for better or worse, leaving you, she did a good thing for you. It was the kick in the ass you needed. If you two are to honour your vows, when the right time comes, she will be there to support you. Don't pressure her at all in this way though, or you will lose her for good. Pressure on her will show her that you are not thinking on the right track. Perhaps one thing you could do is keep a journal. A journal to her and to yourself, f your thoughts, your pains, your apologies and your progress. Once the months go by and your self-cleansing is strong, give this to her, pray she reads it, and I'm sure she will take the time to listen to her heart.
SoleMate Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Robert, to have any chance,you do need to SHOW her and not tell her/promise her. I am glad you decided to give up the pot. That is a constructive action. However, I notice by your timeline that it was 5-1/2 months AFTER she left! I am glad she gave you the kick in the pants...why did it take so long for action to occur? Are all the other 20 things you need to ACT ON and CHNAGE also going to take 5-1/2 months each? Why not be more action oriented? Make a specific list of what she has asked for, and what you KNOW you need to do. For example... * Give up pot, throw away all paraphernalia, lose number of dealer, break off with friends who encourage or tempt you to smoke...CHECK * Eliminate all recreational use of the computer, and sell or give away the computer * Get a decent job and work hard at it for at least 6 months * Spend at least 40 hours per week taking real care of the kids...feeding them, cleaning up, washing their clothes, doing school paperwork, reading to them, taking them to the park Etc. IF you actually DO these actions, she cannot fail to notice. Particularly with the kids.
Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 You know I've ALWAYS been attracted to Italian men. They just get me! Right there. Hmmm. I need to reflect on this a bit more. Besides, you express yourself very well, how chivalry of you to stand up and be a gentleman and admit yourself and wrongdoing. Do you know what she really wants from you? Try from that stand point, and see what happens, before time gets the best of you. God be with you and the best.
Recommended Posts