wonder woman Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 am new to this forum but so glad I found it. Am in a long term relationship (8 years) and have had an affair with a M co worker. His wife found out and threatened to expose but has not so far. Things carried on between us for some time, but my partner is unaware. It has now ended, sort of mutual decision but he is no contact now. I feel so lost, it is getting easier but I constantly think of him, and some days I just feel like I can't cope. The affair was really just a symptom of dissatisfaction in my current relationship, and I guess my question is how do you start to fix your feelings toward the partner you have cheated? We have tried talking about the problems but he thinks the unhappiness is not caused by relationship issues. I have also gone to counselling, and taken partner, however, he refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong and just says I am suffering deppression and its my age...(i'm late twenties). Is there anyone with any advice on how to recover, either with the partner or knowing when to 'pull the pin'???
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Go to marriage counselling. You had intense feelings for someone else and now that is over it's hard for you to get back feelings for your partner. Is it possible for those feelings to come back? Yes. Because the feelings are already there! They just got buried and forgotten about because of what you felt for the MM. I think some one on one therapy is needed so you can deal with the loss of the MM, and learn how to let go of him. Can you tell your partner about the affair? The fact the MM's wife knows there's a good chance one day she'll tell your partner. Maybe by telling him, as hard as it will be, will open the door so you two can fix what's broken. The thing is, YOU know what the issues are at hand, your partner doesn't. He's clueless...So he thinks all is fine, yet it isn't. Up to you at the end of the day, but I think telling him is the right thing to do. Life can't go on as it is now...
Blind Illusion Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I can so see how your affair happened to begin with. It's such a difficult spot to be in a relationship that is less than good and one person either refuses to acknowledge problems or thinks they are completely the other person's fault. Thus nothing ever changes. Then what happens? You start feeling stuck trying to fix something alone that requires two people's imput. It leaves you in a vulnerable position for someone to come along to distract you from this mess. I'm not suggesting this is the right answer but I can so see how this happens. I can tell you, firsthand, that this has happened to me. So long as you feel the same empty feeling in that first relationship with a partner that isn't willing to work to make it better, the void will be there. And now, it isn't being partly filled by the MM. Down the line, you might need to depart from that first relationship to begin with, to truly move on. That is what I am thinking for myself. It's hard though, bringing two relationships to a close almost simultaneously.
RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I can so see how your affair happened to begin with. It's such a difficult spot to be in a relationship that is less than good and one person either refuses to acknowledge problems or thinks they are completely the other person's fault. Thus nothing ever changes. Then what happens? You start feeling stuck trying to fix something alone that requires two people's imput. It leaves you in a vulnerable position for someone to come along to distract you from this mess. I'm not suggesting this is the right answer but I can so see how this happens. I can tell you, firsthand, that this has happened to me. So long as you feel the same empty feeling in that first relationship with a partner that isn't willing to work to make it better, the void will be there. And now, it isn't being partly filled by the MM. Down the line, you might need to depart from that first relationship to begin with, to truly move on. That is what I am thinking for myself. It's hard though, bringing two relationships to a close almost simultaneously. BI...Excellent post!! What you have brought to the table in understanding "how an affair" happens is so true. I guess what I'm getting tired of hearing time after time by the judgemental posters who come here, is when they state "You didn't have to act on it"! Well, sometimes people have to do what they have to do to move out of a unhappy space no matter what their choice is! I am so nutural in an A situation and really can totally understand how it happens!
Guest Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 BI...Excellent post!! What you have brought to the table in understanding "how an affair" happens is so true. I guess what I'm getting tired of hearing time after time by the judgemental posters who come here, is when they state "You didn't have to act on it"! Well, sometimes people have to do what they have to do to move out of a unhappy space no matter what their choice is! I am so nutural in an A situation and really can totally understand how it happens! So very well said by BI... I am facing this situation. My spouse of nearly 16 years will be blindsided by a very short A I had with a MM. I need to end my marriage. It's not right for either of us, hasn't been for more than a decade. My A partner is everything iI've looked for in my 23 years of (2) marriage, but his W found out and we faced with No Contact to work on his 16 year marriage, too. I want my AP to be happy, with or without me. He does not need this high drama. I'll accept it and move forward with my divorce, without the support system I think I so desperately need. One day I'll find the friend I wish to be married to.
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